Page 24 | To think my friend is treating me like her maid

Grabhands · 2023-08-24T18:35:43+00:00

For context, this is a friend who I have known for years, haven't seen since before COVID. We booked and are on a 7 day all in beach holiday in the Med. Meals are buffet service, tea service and cakes etc at certain times from a pool bar and a bar where you can go and get alcoholic drinks etc. At meal times waiters will bring you water for the table and you go to bar for anything else. Bar a few mins walk. At every single meal we have had since arriving, she tries to send me to the bar to get her a drink, if I am going anyway absolutely fine, otherwise get your own! She also keeps taking food from my plate to try it, with fingers , and then says can you go and get me some of that. When I get desert, she gives me a list and asks me to bring back plates of various things. Tea, she doesn't want to go to bar to get cakes, in case she misses some sun so again even though I don't want anything asks me to go. I know its petty, and I'm usually easy going but after 3 days I have just said you go, you have legs too, and please stop taking food from my plate. She is now very offended and huffing and puffing! Am I being a cow?

Angelou79 · 26/08/2023 00:31

I’m so pleased for you! Congratulations on your assertive actions. I sincerely hope this makes your travel companion reassess her actions.
Enjoy the rest of your trip!

BetterWithPockets · 26/08/2023 00:31

@Grabhands you are my new hero! I hope you have an amazing time for the rest of your holiday…

Twinsmummy1812 · 26/08/2023 01:18

I think your friend has been very strange and don’t blame you for moving but you should definitely explain what you are doing and why, not just disappear and block her, that seems over the top, and frankly a bit cruel.

if you can spend the next few days relaxing and not worrying about the return journey home then fair play to you, I would be a nervous wreck!

Nanaof1 · 26/08/2023 02:09

Grabhands · 25/08/2023 14:00

Well bolstered by this thread, I got myself a plate with 2 slices of pizza and another plate of salad, came back with just that for me.

Said I couldn't carry anything else and was too hot to go back again. She said I will have some pizza then, as she reached out to take a slice, I moved plate and said please don't touch my food

We have just had a row and I've been accused of being selfish and she is hungry and too tired to queue at snack bar

I am genuinely thinking of booking another room for last few nights either here or next door now

She was tired? From what? Bossing people around must be more strenuous than I thought.

Good for you on getting your own room at a different hotel. Enjoy the peace and finally, relax!

I do pity the workers at the other hotel though. They will have their hands full with Miss Entitlement 2023. I wonder if she sits at home and rings a bell when she wants something. Or snap her fingers?

I don't envy you on the trip home though. Good idea on a nap and headphones.

Codlingmoths · 26/08/2023 03:17

Well done op, making sure you get a few nights genuine relaxation! Cannot believe how self centred she is.
my husband used to say ‘while you’re up can you get me …. ‘ to his hardworking mum, we were about 20 and I could not stand it and snapped one day ‘she is UP because she’s been tidying cleaning and cooking while you sit on your bum so you can get up and clean up your own mess’
and I’d say ‘while you’re up’ quite deliberately a lot after that, especially if he had actually been working/cleaning and he got the point pretty quickly.

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 03:28

I read this thread with disbelief (am on Pg 18). OP, your friend is a nightmare. I am glad you found it in you to to save the rest of this holiday.

However, I could not help thinking - rather than telling your friend with a nice smile on your face "I'm here to relax too, I'm not your maid, stop asking me" - literally 12 words, you actually spent money booking a new hotel in an attempt to run far away from your friend and not to confront her at all. This is almost an unhealthy level of aversion to confrontation.

I was like you once, OP, so here's my truth: You can't run away forever from stuff that scare you. They will come back again, chase you all your life, in different avatars. Best way is to confront them and kick them off the curb. Good luck.

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 03:38

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/08/2023 15:00

So, to summarise - she’s early forties("so not a teenager"), moved back in with her parents a few years ago (ostensibly to save on rent) so in her late thirties at least when she did so. Works in a receptionist type role, 9 to 5, 4 days a week - so her hours are neither onerous nor antisocial. Single for the last 5 years or so.

Behaviours - Would rather sit with an empty glass than go to the bar herself, when challenged (gently!) on her expectations that you are her errand-girl just repeats she really needed a break and to relax and she ‘knows you don't mind’. When told (gently!) that you do mind gets very offended and huffs and puffs. Selective deafness to the word ‘no’.

I'm going to zero in on a couple of points OP.

You said "not a teenager", but - I wonder? By moving back in with her parents, she has resumed her 'resident daughter' role. Did her parents still live in the home she grew up in? Is she back in her own room? Are her parent treating her like the little girl / teenager she was just before she moved out? If so, she could very well have regressed inside her head to who she was at that point in time. And she's had a few years of being in this role again. It could have become ingrained. In short - you may well be dealing with a teenager, despite her being in her early forties.

"PP got it right, as soon as I get up, she will normally request something, from the room, from the bar , so head phones and forgetfulness is a good plan"
As soon as you get up, and until the very end of the day (her nightcap expectation). Wow. It's almost as if she can only exist if people are attending on her (I note she tries to ask the waiters at the resort to bring her stuff when it's self-service). Does she think she disappears if nobody is centring her in their world? I think this is actually going beyond entitlement and into - what, I don't know, but I do think there is something going on inside her head that shouldn't be going on.

She's in her forties, infantilised by her living arrangements and frankly, she's looking down the barrel of being single forever, as things stand. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her. But that wouldn't stop me from telling her to get a fucking grip and stop acting like Lady Muck, and possibly throwing in the advice that she needs to move out of her parents' house and recover her adulthood, unless she particularly wants to be alone when old age takes them.

I agree, the friend comes across as someone who has regressed deeply. From all the updates it is clear that she has put OP in the role of her parent ("Mom") and expected her to "take care" of her. I feel a bit sorry for her too, tbh. I don't think it's a power play.

OP, it's not your problem, obviously but age regression may be the result of a medical or psychiatric issue. Your friend sounds like she needs professional help. Again, not saying that you need to do something about it or to excuse her behaviour, but there might be other things at play here.

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 03:50

Proudgypsy · 25/08/2023 17:51

Honestly I think moving hotels without actually having a proper adult conversation about it is quite silly. All you had to say was that you will each get your own things from now on.

I think so too, but only because running away solves nothing. The next time OP finds herself in a situation like this again (trust me, this WILL happen to her again, just in another form), will it be as easy to escape? There are idiots and CFs everywhere. If one runs away from them all, what next. If it was me, I'd have stared at my friend and said: "No, sorry, I can't be arsed to." Like, every single time Friend asked me to fetch her something, I'd have said that.

Then again, easy for me to say, right? OP is not me. Op did what she could, in her situation. She is rid of the nightmare friend. All is well, for now. Imo, not leaving a note that you're leaving), muting all messages, moving far away from the person instead of strongly asserting yourself - all these are in a way, childish too. But the friend was behaving like a child, so may be she needed to be given childish responses!

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 03:54

Grabhands · 25/08/2023 14:54

Thanks everyone

I think for me the right decision was to move, it's not expensive and I'm not up for a battle of wills over who gets food every meal time, find it irritating and draining

I've spoken to her a few times in the first few days and she gets stroppy and then her behaviour stays the same , I don't like confrontation and have to steal myself each time to say something so not enjoyable

We won't be going away ever again and I'm going to focus on enjoying the rest of my break in peace and quiet

Fair enough, OP. Enjoy the rest of the holiday, you deserve it, especially after spending all this time with someone you thought would be a good travel partner but turned out to be a nightmare 💐

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 04:01

RampantIvy · 25/08/2023 18:18

Because the OP didn't want to continue sharing with someone who was going to sulk for the rest of the holiday. Would you be happy to?

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Now here's another angle: Friend actually wanted OP to leave on her own (why? who knows... may be she wanted to stay alone), so she deliberately was winding her up for days and OP played right into her hand by leaving...🤔

JMSA · 26/08/2023 05:10

Is she very overweight? I have been, and it makes you self-conscious and want to be invisible.

JMSA · 26/08/2023 05:11

It's not an excuse, mind you, but I'm just trying to understand.

supersop60 · 26/08/2023 06:30

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 03:28

I read this thread with disbelief (am on Pg 18). OP, your friend is a nightmare. I am glad you found it in you to to save the rest of this holiday.

However, I could not help thinking - rather than telling your friend with a nice smile on your face "I'm here to relax too, I'm not your maid, stop asking me" - literally 12 words, you actually spent money booking a new hotel in an attempt to run far away from your friend and not to confront her at all. This is almost an unhealthy level of aversion to confrontation.

I was like you once, OP, so here's my truth: You can't run away forever from stuff that scare you. They will come back again, chase you all your life, in different avatars. Best way is to confront them and kick them off the curb. Good luck.

I don't believe you have read the whole thread. The OP spoke to her friend several times about this - the friend got huffy, cat's bum lips etc. And it still didn't change her behaviour. The only way was to remove herself.

supersop60 · 26/08/2023 06:32

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 03:50

I think so too, but only because running away solves nothing. The next time OP finds herself in a situation like this again (trust me, this WILL happen to her again, just in another form), will it be as easy to escape? There are idiots and CFs everywhere. If one runs away from them all, what next. If it was me, I'd have stared at my friend and said: "No, sorry, I can't be arsed to." Like, every single time Friend asked me to fetch her something, I'd have said that.

Then again, easy for me to say, right? OP is not me. Op did what she could, in her situation. She is rid of the nightmare friend. All is well, for now. Imo, not leaving a note that you're leaving), muting all messages, moving far away from the person instead of strongly asserting yourself - all these are in a way, childish too. But the friend was behaving like a child, so may be she needed to be given childish responses!

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Again. Read the whole thread, or at least ALL the OPs posts. She DID talk to her friend, and nothing changed.

MummyJ36 · 26/08/2023 06:36

Omg this thread has been such a journey! OP you’re a brave lady booking another hotel when you’re going to be on the same flight home sitting next to each other. I’d be paying whatever it cost to get myself on another flight because the mother of all awkward air journeys is coming your way!!! ✈️

partypompoms · 26/08/2023 07:32

CR7 · 25/08/2023 17:26

Would love a link to the mirror article please. Too many posts here to find it!

Are you the OP's friend?...someone get me a link please

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 07:48

supersop60 · 26/08/2023 06:30

I don't believe you have read the whole thread. The OP spoke to her friend several times about this - the friend got huffy, cat's bum lips etc. And it still didn't change her behaviour. The only way was to remove herself.

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It wasn't the only way, come on. That's my hard earned money, No way am I going to incur a $$ loss (losing three days' $$ on the all incl hotel AND paying for a new one) over some cheeky questions!

What really happened here? There was no physical or verbal abuse, no kind of terrible or inappropriate behaviour. All Friend did was, ask OP some questions ("Can you get that for me? Can you bring it from the bar?" etc). Yes, very annoying to keep hearing that but OP only had to give her the eye of mordor and say again and again, "Nope, feck off, I am tired too," and do her own thing.

We cannot stop people from asking what they want. People are sometimes outrageously selfish or sometimes they are not okay, upstairs and they ask for all sort of things. We can't demonise them for that, we can judge them a lot but we can't really stop other humans, they are free to ask what they want. What is within our control, is how we react to these asks. We can say yes or no or hell, no FO, and stand our ground until they get the message.

Being assertive is a key trait one needs in both personal and professional life, otherwise you will end up taking decisions for all the wrong reasons and some or one of them will eventually cause you a real lot of trouble. If all it takes for OP to run away, not even bothered about financial loss, is some requests to fetch a sandwich, I'm sorry to say, that's not good.

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 07:54

@captainmarvella they were sharing a room. Sharing a room with someone so demanding and who doesn’t like being told no must be very uncomfortable.

OP found a great solution that she could afford. It’s absolutely right that she took it.

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 07:56

CherryMaDeara · 26/08/2023 07:54

@captainmarvella they were sharing a room. Sharing a room with someone so demanding and who doesn’t like being told no must be very uncomfortable.

OP found a great solution that she could afford. It’s absolutely right that she took it.

Yes, OP found the best solution for her situation. No refuting that.

captainmarvella · 26/08/2023 08:03

This thread reminded me of my own disappointment, holidaying with a work friend after years of not meeting during to the pandemic. It was our first time holidaying out of town, though we were quite close as work colleagues and also travelled together for work, day conferences etc. The weekend was pretty much a flop. It was a gift from me but all she had were complaints, complaints, complaints. And the way she bossed the resort staff around...! In work context she was a good colleague, but in the holiday/personal time, she turned out to be this conservative whiny bigot, a side of her I never saw when I worked with her. Sometimes holidaying shows friendships in its starkest form, and we need to let go and not look back.

sunglassesonthetable · 26/08/2023 08:50

Sometimes holidaying shows friendships in its starkest form, and we need to let go and not look back.

Well OP has done that.

The fact is she tried the deal with this ridiculous situation ( and it was her friend who was ridiculous ) by asking nicely, then saying it very clearly, then point blank not doing it.

She has to share a room with this huffy mare which I agree would be awkward and spoil OPs own enjoyment. It wouldn't be relaxing at all.

She's pulled back and found a way to get a few relaxing days out of the wreckage. I would not be pleased having to spend more, but if she can afford it - there we are.

Oh to be a fly on the wall on that flight home.

unisexforreal · 26/08/2023 08:52

@Grabhands please can we have update? Did you move hotels and how did she react? I’m so pleased you’re not taking this rubbish from her anymore

pictoosh · 26/08/2023 09:04

In this situation OP did the right thing moving to another hotel.
After telling her friend explicitly that she wasn't there to run her errands (and I quote there), the friend immediately pushed back with a response and another request that said 'yes you are'.

As I said earlier, this leaves OP with two options. Be the friend's maid and seethe about it or have an almighty row. Either way, the holiday is ruined.

OP has done a mature and dare I say, rather brave thing in sacking off either of those and taking a third way out, thus salvaging the holiday for herself. I am impressed by her decisiveness and self preservation. The friendship is over whatever OP does so she might as well enjoy some of the holiday she paid for.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/08/2023 09:33

Sometimes holidaying shows friendships in its starkest form, and we need to let go and not look back.

This is so true!

My Nana always told me “never live with anyone you’ve not holidayed with”. After having a long weekend away with a Uni friend I was considering flat-sharing with I was very glad of that advice!

Original poster

Grabhands · 26/08/2023 10:04

Not a very exciting update I am afraid

I left a note in the room yesterday afternoon saying we were not getting on and I needed some space so I was staying elsewhere for the next 3 nights

Haven't heard from her, her WhatsApp messages are muted but I would see when I open the app, nothing

Can't change the flight on Monday as flights are crazy prices right now, if it's possible I will sit somewhere else , if not Head phones and sleep as it's a late flight

Its a low cost airline and you check in for return flight when you check in for outward flight so we have seat numbers already!

However I am enjoying myself now, new place is nice, it's sunny, and I have a good book and people are friendly

OP posts: