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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this bullying?

122 replies

Gault642 · 23/08/2023 21:34

Dd11 has been accused of bullying by her friend and her mum. I really don’t think there is anything going on that would come close to bullying - but before I go in all guns blazing and stand up for Dd, I want to get the Mumsnet truth and make sure I am not being biased.

DD has been close friends with another girl in class since age 5. She is a bit of a marmite character - bubbly and good fun, but likes things her own way and has a tendency to be quite mean to anyone who challenges her. Dd is pretty easy going and knows how to take her, but she always seems to be involved in drama with other girls and some of them do now keep a distance. now avoid her. Dd tends to have quite a few close friends in the class and floats between them all, but this girl would very much consider dd to be her “best friend” and can be quite possessive.

Over summer, DD has spent a lot of time doing a hobby which is shared with some other girls in her class. As a result they have spent a lot of time together, and a day at the hobby has sometimes turned into a sleepover, hanging out together afterwards, etc. This girl doesn’t do the hobby and doesn’t get on well with a couple of the girls in that group so hasn’t been invited, although dd has met up with her separately on other occasions.

Checking DDs phone recently I have noticed a few aggressive feeling messages from this girl. Along the lines of “why are you choosing them over me”, “i suppose you’ll be going to x’s house today AGAIN”, etc. Obviously feeling left out, which is a shitty feeling so I do empathise. But I think friendships are just changing naturally, dd still likes this girl and wants to stay friends, but just isn’t as intense as she is about the friendship.

Earlier today I received the following text from the girl’s mum:
”I wanted to let you know that x has been extremely upset recently. She has told me all about dd’s behaviour and frankly I am disgusted that someone who calls x a friend would behave in this way. X has been consistently and deliberately left out, and bullied relentlessly by dd. It has ruined both her summer and mine, and x is now terrified about starting school. I am left with no alternative but to report this bullying to school so they can take appropriate action”.

Dd, this girl and most of the other girls in her class are starting Y8 at a new school next week, so dd is now hysterical, thinking that she will be immediately labelled a troublemaker. She has assured me that there is no more to it than what I already know, I check her phone regularly anyway but have been through it again as thoroughly as possible and although there is a definite tension between the girls I can’t see anything overly concerning.

AIBU that this is absolutely not bullying?

OP posts:
Regholdsworthswaterbed · 23/08/2023 21:38

No it's not bullying if it's as you described. The mum sounds overbearing so I can see where this girl gets it from.

LittleMonks11 · 23/08/2023 21:38

You've relayed the messages from the other girl to your DD. What were your DD's messages to the other girl? Excluding deliberately is bullying.

CaroleSinger · 23/08/2023 21:40

You need this mum to explain what 'relentless bullying ' has been occurring because it sounds like there's either more going on here or the other girl is misinterpreting the fact she's just not involved in the hobby and has been sidelined as something that it isn't.

Neodymium · 23/08/2023 21:41

i disagree. You can decide to not invite someone or do something with someone and it’s not bullying. Unless they are all teasing her about it.

WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 21:43

I agree with @Neodymium . Not bullying at all.

WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo · 23/08/2023 21:45

At age 11 they should be able to sort these things out themselves, I can't believe the mum is sticking her oar in.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 23/08/2023 21:45

I would respond - explains that you have been through your daughters phone and not seen any bullying behaviour, so could she give you some examples so you can get to the bottom of it.

When she does (or doesn't, because there doesn't seem to be any based on what you've said) you can fight your daughters corner.

I'd tell your daughter that you are happy to send an email to the school to clear this up too.

EvilElsa · 23/08/2023 21:47

I had exactly the same situation when I was a kid. Could be me writing this as an 11 year old! In my situation the "bullied" friends mum stormed around to one of my other friends houses where we were hanging around in the garden and screamed at us for bullying her daughter. Hand on heart we had NEVER done it. It seemed if I dared to do anything with other friends she would class this as bullying, even though the same didn't apply to her! I was so upset. I was a sensitive kid who hated to be thought of as a bully and I really wasn't.
The angry mum confronted my mum who basically told her to fuck off in the end as it was so ridiculous. Luckily it all calmed down eventually, and years on we are fine.
I would ignore the message personally. Tell DD not to worry and that you will deal with the school if needs be. I would tell DD not to communicate any further with this friend but keep copies of the aggressive texts sent by the friend.

Iloveacurry · 23/08/2023 21:50

You need to screenshot the messages the girl has sent to your DD, send to the mother and explain exactly what you have said here. No bullying going on.

Original poster
Gault642 · 23/08/2023 21:51

@LittleMonks11 dd’s responses have been fairly neutral. Saying things like “yes I’m going to x’s house after our hobby, but do you want to meet up on Saturday?”, etc. She has spoken to me a few times when she hasn’t known what to say and asked if she should lie and tell her she is going to see family so she doesn’t feel left out. But I’ve told her that honesty is the best policy so she has been upfront about her plans.

Also, I’ve been working most summer so the majority of these meet ups have been at other houses rather than ours, so it hasn’t really been dd’s place to invite her along. She has met up with this girl quite a few times just the two of them. However, dd is very obviously now part of this group, and this girl is not. I totally get that this would hurt, and would probably make her feel worried about starting a new school. But I think her mum has totally overreacted and instead of teaching her how to navigate these difficult friendship issues, has just gone way overboard

OP posts:
Original poster
Gault642 · 23/08/2023 21:52

@WhereTheTeapotsJibberJabberJoo i 100% agree!

OP posts:
Thehippowife · 23/08/2023 21:53

This is not bullying . The mother of this child is a nut. Your dd is allowed to have other friends and spend time with other children. Let this mother say what she likes to the school, they will find it as bizarre as I do. It’s odd frankly. I would reply to the mother and say “ my dd will be friends with whoever she likes, she will spend time with whoever she likes, and if your dd doesn’t like that I guess the friendship is over. This is a shame, but if that is what you want I’ll inform dd to stay away” end of drama. Then ask your dd to keep clear of this girl altogether.

mindbogglingmaths · 23/08/2023 21:55

The only one who's out of order so far is the mother.

I would ring her, don't respond via text. Probably hasn't got the balls to say anything to your face (or ear!). Say you've taken your DD's phone off her, and checked everything. Nothing is amiss. Please can she send proof over and you will deal with it appropriately.

School will think she's nuts.

Original poster
Gault642 · 23/08/2023 21:56

I think those of you saying to get the mum to explain and provide instances of this “bullying” are very sensible. I was ready to start an angry text war defending my dd but that would definitely inflame things. Maybe getting her to try committing it to writing will make her realise that her accusations are unfounded.

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 23/08/2023 21:56

As a teacher, I know that some parents love to throw out the word bullying for a variety of situations. I think a lot of parents just go on how upset their kid is rather than what has actually been done by them. I would contact the school to explain DD’s side of the story and ask for a meeting. Schools are used to dramatic parents so I’m sure they will be reasonable and try and help the girls come to a resolution.

BlackberryCrumbs · 23/08/2023 21:57

You need to ask the mum what she means by 'bullied relentlessly by dd'.

Original poster
Gault642 · 23/08/2023 22:00

It is a shame for the girl actually because I think her mum has potentially ruined her friendship with dd at a time in their lives when she really needs a good friend. It is so scary starting a new school and having a good friend with you can make the transition a lot easier. But they do both seem to crave the drama

OP posts:
AnSolas · 23/08/2023 22:04

Gault642 · 23/08/2023 21:56

I think those of you saying to get the mum to explain and provide instances of this “bullying” are very sensible. I was ready to start an angry text war defending my dd but that would definitely inflame things. Maybe getting her to try committing it to writing will make her realise that her accusations are unfounded.

Think long term, Is the relationship and the drama good for your child?

Do you want to be in and out of the school managing the relationship and claims of bullying when the other child feels left out?

Or would it be easier and better in the long term if you just come to an agreement that there was no bullying by your DD and let the friendship fade

Original poster
Gault642 · 23/08/2023 22:08

Does this sound ok:

”I’m sorry to hear that x has been upset recently. Please send me over all examples of the behaviour you are concerned about so I can look into this further with dd. I have been through her phone in detail but can’t see anything that would suggest bullying, but I appreciate that I may have missed something “

OP posts:
Original poster
Gault642 · 23/08/2023 22:10

@mindbogglingmaths I was thinking of phoning her but then I thought it was maybe better to document everything in writing. Also, I’m a bit terrified of her 😂

OP posts:
Redburnett · 23/08/2023 22:15

Personally I would ignore and not even get involved in discussing it with the girl's mother. It might generate more drama and exaggeration. She is not likely to get anywhere reporting incidents in school holidays to the school. Your DD would be well advised to steer clear of the girl to avoid any more drama from her mother.

Inca22 · 23/08/2023 22:15

I think your message is a good one. I think it diffuses the emotion well.

scoobydoo1971 · 23/08/2023 22:17

Text mother that your daughter is not a bully, and that the friendship is just over. Tell mother she is welcome to discuss with school if she wishes, to make it clear you are not being dragged into this drama.

Missreginafalange · 23/08/2023 22:17

Looks a good reply, I think you are better off texting so you have any responses in writing so if she does go to the school you have the conversation as evidence.

But long term this may be better off left to fizzle out too much drama.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 23/08/2023 22:17

Gault642 · 23/08/2023 22:08

Does this sound ok:

”I’m sorry to hear that x has been upset recently. Please send me over all examples of the behaviour you are concerned about so I can look into this further with dd. I have been through her phone in detail but can’t see anything that would suggest bullying, but I appreciate that I may have missed something “

Perfect