Is this bullying?

[Gault642]

Dd11 has been accused of bullying by her friend and her mum. I really don’t think there is anything going on that would come close to bullying - but before I go in all guns blazing and stand up for Dd, I want to get the Mumsnet truth and make sure I am not being biased.

DD has been close friends with another girl in class since age 5. She is a bit of a marmite character - bubbly and good fun, but likes things her own way and has a tendency to be quite mean to anyone who challenges her. Dd is pretty easy going and knows how to take her, but she always seems to be involved in drama with other girls and some of them do now keep a distance. now avoid her. Dd tends to have quite a few close friends in the class and floats between them all, but this girl would very much consider dd to be her “best friend” and can be quite possessive.

Over summer, DD has spent a lot of time doing a hobby which is shared with some other girls in her class. As a result they have spent a lot of time together, and a day at the hobby has sometimes turned into a sleepover, hanging out together afterwards, etc. This girl doesn’t do the hobby and doesn’t get on well with a couple of the girls in that group so hasn’t been invited, although dd has met up with her separately on other occasions.

Checking DDs phone recently I have noticed a few aggressive feeling messages from this girl. Along the lines of “why are you choosing them over me”, “i suppose you’ll be going to x’s house today AGAIN”, etc. Obviously feeling left out, which is a shitty feeling so I do empathise. But I think friendships are just changing naturally, dd still likes this girl and wants to stay friends, but just isn’t as intense as she is about the friendship.

Earlier today I received the following text from the girl’s mum:
”I wanted to let you know that x has been extremely upset recently. She has told me all about dd’s behaviour and frankly I am disgusted that someone who calls x a friend would behave in this way. X has been consistently and deliberately left out, and bullied relentlessly by dd. It has ruined both her summer and mine, and x is now terrified about starting school. I am left with no alternative but to report this bullying to school so they can take appropriate action”.

Dd, this girl and most of the other girls in her class are starting Y8 at a new school next week, so dd is now hysterical, thinking that she will be immediately labelled a troublemaker. She has assured me that there is no more to it than what I already know, I check her phone regularly anyway but have been through it again as thoroughly as possible and although there is a definite tension between the girls I can’t see anything overly concerning.

AIBU that this is absolutely not bullying?

At this point I would tell her to fuck off and keep my child's name out her mouth.

I usually control myself but this would infuriate me.

I would keep note of everything you hear about and from whom. It’s obviously coming from here and now she’s trying to drive a wedge between dd and her friends. Not cool.

I am so angry @Positive41, I definitely feel like doing just that. But looking at the bigger picture, chances are that in a couple of weeks the girls will be friends again and I'll have to deal with the mum again. May as well be the bigger person and let her be the one ashamed to look me in the eye. Also, if she does go to the school, the worst that is likely to happen is that they are put in different form classes. I don't know yet if they will be in the same one yet, but I would be very happy if they are separated so the consequences don't seem too bad.

However mentioned gymnastics, it is that. The other girls and my DD are all on the squad so have been training hard all summer and have also been asked to go along to some of the younger classes as demonstrators, so they have practically lived there. It is only natural that they would have grown closer in those circumstances.

*whoever, not however

I would ring her up and say along the lines of

“stop discussing my child with other adults / it is not bullying for a girl to have other friends/ my family have now been pushed too far. I will be strongly advising my child to have nothing more to do with your daughter whatsoever and if I hear this has been gossiped about with any third party you can expect a vigorous response from our family as you an adult are now bullying my child. Good day.” Phone down.

Shove her right back. Just because she is a teacher she can’t boss you around.

I wouldn't do this .

What would you do then? Nothing? The dragging in of other adults is unforgivable. People sue for less.

Really pathetic that a grown women is going around trash talking an 11 year old child because she's not spending every waking moment hanging around with her daughter. I'd be tempted to say "DD doesn't want to go to your house because you are a mad woman" and make it her fault lol.

True-you are a better woman than I am! Well done for keeping calm.

Absolutely this 👌

Apparently the mum has been texting everyone else to make them aware of the issues between the girls

There's a bully here, but it's not your dd...

And this lunatic is a teacher? Great!

What a nightmare. The other mum is obviously having a big meltdown for some reason. I feel a bit sorry for her. Your DD will be just fine. She has her gymnastics gang. The other DD I worry about now as her mum is making things bad for her. Was the other mum always like this?

Yikes. I’d not engage with her any more on this. She seems to be making a big deal out of nothing, so I doubt anything you say will make a difference. I’d not even be worried about her going to the school, they’ll see it for what it is when she can’t give details of actual bullying. And once the teachers see how your daughter behaves in school, I’m sure they’ll understand for themselves what gone on. Calling the school with an issue before they’ve even started won’t do her or her daughter any favours.

As for her texting other parents, it just makes her look bad again.

the mum sounds like a fruit loop, she’s made herself look extremely silly by gossiping to everyone else about the situation! What she’s accusing your daughter of doing she has actually done herself because by gossiping and exaggerating things will make people want to back away from her DD.

your doing the right thing by leaving things be! If she sends anymore messages to you OR within the group I would keep them documented and then when they start school (if the form classes aren’t set yet) politely request if they can be in opposite form classes, show the school the messages and explain that is the reason why.

your DD has done nothing wrong! She’s entitled to have more than one friend, I had to deal with friends like this for years when younger who would get jealous if I went for a sleepover at another friends house! It was draining..

By broadcasting her perception of the situation, this mother will gain no sympathy from the mother of the strong-minded girl with whom there was a fall out in the past and that of the child her daughter dislikes. She’s demonstrating her daughter is difficult and that she has form for becoming involved in and overreacting to children’s friendship groups. She’s lost dignity, decorum and wisdom to keep out of it whilst further embarrassing her own daughter.
As much as you’re rightly furious, maintain composure and leave her to dig her own hole. Don’t react to anything she does. Her actions reflect badly on her family, not yours, which sensible, worthwhile parents will understand and appreciate. No one will want their child involved with hers in future. Sit tight, OP.

When kids used to hang out in the summer for different things it wouldn't matter so much. The fact that they all have phones now and access to info on what they're all doing with their time makes it much more difficult now.

You sound like you're dealing with it well and the other mum is over- reacting. I wonder if the daughter knows her mum is telling everyone how her summer has been ruined... At that age I would've thought that would be mortifying for her!

You will inevitably end up discussing this with others OP. I'd have a few practiced phrases to hand. E.g.
It's sad that X is upset, she and DD did get along well. However they've both been doing more with separate groups of friends this summer (DD gymnastics, X her own friends) and so have naturally drifted a bit. I didn't think there was any issue that needed resolving tbh so am a bit surprised. I am sure they will sort it out though, friendships evolve at this age, don't they.

Be aggressively reasonable and whatever you do, do not participate in 'X mum be crazy' chat. This will stand you in good stead.

Your daughter sounds lovely.

Sometimes it helps our anger if we think about where other people are coming from, in this case the other mum. I’ve no doubt actually that she has probably had her daughter crying every day, upset and feeling left out. It’s hard as a parent to see this.

You mention the other child being a little overbearing and falling out with others. This is not lost on the mum. She knows her daughter is not maintaining friendships and was probably grateful for the friendship she had with your daughter.

The jealousy the mother is feeling now that your daughter has (quite rightly) got other friends and interests has taken over.

Her reaction is way over the top, but in their household this has probably dominated the holidays. Of course she’s unreasonable, but she’s upset, hurt and angry at the wrong person (your child/you) when really she has to accept that there are aspects of her daughters personality that mean other girls do not want to spend time with her.

If your daughter is as lovely as she sounds, this makes it worse for the mother. You also sound lovely and again she is angry at you, maybe because your daughter seems popular/ has lots of friends.

Its sad really but absolutely wrong to be accusing your daughter and causing trouble. Most people who know you both will realise quickly you and your daughter are not at fault.

Op the mum sounds nuts! I cannot imagine sending you a message like that and then spreading it to other parents. If anything she is the bully trying to turn people against your dd

I bet mum is shitty you’re not babysitting her troll daughter for free

It’s sad and I feel for her DD because I have been on the receiving end of similar, where someone I thought was my friend found new friends and I wasn’t included. It sounds like this girl has issues with her personality, being overbearing and possessive. That obviously doesn’t place obligation on others to be her friend but I can see why the mum is hurt on her daughter’s behalf because she’s probably feared something like this will happen for quite some time. It can be easy to blame someone rather than confront the truth. She’s obviously going about it the complete wrong way and I am surprised at her behaviour for a teacher. I don’t think it will come to much with the school. If it’s Y8 it will probably be quite a big school where nobody will be particularly interested in someone’s friendships. Might be an idea for you to contact the school and warn them first and ask that they are put in separate tutor groups or something to keep them apart. After that, it might be best if the friendship ends, as DD will never be able to live up to what this girl wants from a friend and her mum doesn’t seem able to see it from an outsider’s perspective so this thing will happen time and again.

Your DD should be fine, I agree with PP saying maintain your composure, and prepare a couple of basic calm answers for when other mums inevitably ask.

I feel sorry for the other girl, what could have been a new beginning with hopefully finding new friends is being ruined by her mum before it has even started.

Agreed, but it sounds like the mum is teaching her how to react. Which is sadder.
She could have taken this as an opportunity for a new beginning and focused the summer on helping/coaching her kid a little with making friendships (enrolling her in a new hobby herself could have been ideal for that), instead she’s gone with this…