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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend always gives practical advice when I just want comforting

122 replies

cleoishungry · 23/08/2023 16:15

I know he means well but it’s really starting to annoy me.

Yesterday, for example, I became upset that one of my family appeared to be acting very odd with me and putting off meeting up with me. He goes on to suggest loads of ideas like “you’re the one who needs to talk to her and ask what’s going on” and said I’m making a mistake by not doing so. I understand this may be true, but in that moment, I just wanted to hear “what a bitch” and have a cuddle and for him to be on my side.

I explained this and he got defensive saying he “won’t try and help next time” and “we all make mistakes I was just letting you know”.

He doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes I just want the comfort. But he always has to be really logical.

Am I silly?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 23/08/2023 16:17

I realised some while back that I’m similar to your BF! Sometimes, DH just needs to feel that I’ve got his back. I now try to take a moment to think about my replies!

Lily0719 · 23/08/2023 16:18

This is totally normal for a man’s response and no you’re not being unreasonable. However you have to say in advance that you want to have a vent and you don’t need solutions so he knows your expectations. He will soon get that you just want a whinge and want him to have a whinge with you, but just be mindful it won’t come naturally to him :)

Lammveg · 23/08/2023 16:18

No I don't think you're being silly for wanting to just have some support. My DH is the same so I'll tell him while having a discussion that I want sympathy not advice and that seems to help.

Original poster
cleoishungry · 23/08/2023 16:18

It’s so hard because I know he means well! But sometimes I want a boyfriend just on my side, not a carer, you know?

OP posts:
Augustus40 · 23/08/2023 16:20

Men are like this. It really is nothing new.

Robin39 · 23/08/2023 16:22

My DH is like this too. I’ve realised I can’t rely on him for those needs all the time so I usually call my mum or a girl friend instead!

TizerorFizz · 23/08/2023 16:23

Not silly. Just unrealistic. I would much rather have a dialogue than indifference. He seems to offer solutions to move you on from your anger/annoyance. He could give you platitudes but it’s not really genuine. Better to discuss his practical advice. Otherwise you sound a bit needy.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/08/2023 16:23

Yeah, that sucks.

I could give advice from experience in how to communicate effectively, but never mind.

WeAreAllLionesses · 23/08/2023 16:24

It's not just men who are like this. I am too - I look for solutions.

Xeren · 23/08/2023 16:26

My DH is like this. He gets frustrated if I moan about something that he can’t find a solution to when I just want to have a moan!

Now I just tell him to give me hugs 😂

SummaLuvin · 23/08/2023 16:28

sounds like I'm the meany in my relationship! I can't stand to hear people whinge on about things, but then when offered potential solutions, ignore them and continue moaning. Either you care about the issue enough to fix it or you don't - in which case why should I suffer the whining.

TheSmallAssassin · 23/08/2023 16:28

I had this with my daughter, she just wanted to be able to get things off her chest, she didn't want advice (she could work it out for herself).

I learnt to just listen (Active Listening is a technique that you can use), so it's definitely possible to change your behaviour if you care enough to.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 23/08/2023 16:28

I've been telling my DH for 18 years please just listen when I'm upset. Don't ask questions or give solutions. He's not quite there yet 🤷🏻 Neither of us are wrong. However it's incredibly frustrating when I've tried to give clear instructions on what I need and he keeps ignoring me. We've done some parent training recently and they've talked about reflective listening. Hearing it from someone else has seemed to help push the message home.

Xiaoxiong · 23/08/2023 16:35

This is me - I'm the problem solver - and DH got really upset with me a few years ago about it. My immediate reaction is to try to help and problem solve, it's just not in my nature to listen and nod sympathetically, it feels so fake to me.

I now ask "do you need me just to listen?". And DH also now says at the start of any vent what he needs from me, like "I don't need you to try and fix this, I'm just venting to you right now" which helps as well.

Cas112 · 23/08/2023 16:35

This is practically men.. my boyfriend does it and when discussed with a few colleagues at work they said there partners was the same

Lantyslee · 23/08/2023 16:37

That's what I do. I immediately try to problem solve/ fix stuff. My DH pulls me up on it and reminds me that sometimes people just need a hug. It's my way of showing people I care about them - trying to make bad stuff better.

NoMoreAgeJokes · 23/08/2023 16:37

This reminds me of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray

I’ve just looked up a couple of quotes:

“Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own.”

“Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping.”

My DH also tries to solve problems for me rather than just listening and empathising as a female friend might do.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 23/08/2023 16:39

Can you just ask him for a hug instead?

I must admit I don't really rely on DH for a moan/bitch - I go to one of my female friends or my mum. DH is great for advice but he's not a particularly emotional person and we'd both end up frustrated.

Sometimes it's best to have different friends for different purposes.

Lantyslee · 23/08/2023 16:40

I would dispute this is male thing. I'm female and think the Venus/Mars stuff is sexist claptrap. My DH is definitely more "Venus" than I am.

cariadlet · 23/08/2023 16:41

I am naturally like this and have had to learn that it's not always what people want.
In my case, my autism is probably a factor.

I would explain to your boyfriend but at a separate time when you are both in a friendly, relaxed mood.
Try to frame it in terms of what you need and how it makes you feel if someone offers practical advice when you are upset rather than sounding as if you are criticising him.

LakieLady · 23/08/2023 16:41

WeAreAllLionesses · 23/08/2023 16:24

It's not just men who are like this. I am too - I look for solutions.

Me too, although I'm happy to deliver comfort and sympathy if I know that's what is desired.

Are you feeling especially vulnerable atm, OP, or are reactions like this normal for you?

I wouldn't think anything of it if someone was being a bit reluctant to meet, I'd just assume that they were either very busy or perhaps had something going on in their life that was giving them some difficulties. If it continued, I would ask the person in question if everything was ok or had I inadvertently pissed them off somehow. And if I needed a hug and reassurance from my partner, I would ask for it.

Being cross with your BF because he didn't identify what reponse you wanted by some sort of ESP is a bit unfair on him imo. If you want a cuddle and reassurance, then tell him that's what you want.

AttentionToDetal · 23/08/2023 16:41

Me and my DH can both be fixers like this! We had a conversation (not in the middle of an 'issue' discussion) and agreed that we would outright say if we were looking for advice or just wanted a rant/sympathy!

SayingwhatIreallythink · 23/08/2023 16:42

NoMoreAgeJokes · 23/08/2023 16:37

This reminds me of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray

I’ve just looked up a couple of quotes:

“Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own.”

“Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping.”

My DH also tries to solve problems for me rather than just listening and empathising as a female friend might do.

I also thought about that book as soon as I read the OP. Must have read it nearly 30 years ago now!

NoMoreAgeJokes · 23/08/2023 16:51

SayingwhatIreallythink · 23/08/2023 16:42

I also thought about that book as soon as I read the OP. Must have read it nearly 30 years ago now!

Show quote history

Ha, yes, showing my age!
I agree with Lantyslee that the book is quite sexist in its assumptions, but found it quite interesting on different communication styles and expectations.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 23/08/2023 16:53

I don’t think it’s just men who do this. I am always being told off for it 😂

Honestly I do try to just nod and make sympathetic noises, but I am a professional problem solver, and I just can’t seem to stop myself!