My boyfriend always gives practical advice when I just want comforting

[cleoishungry]

I know he means well but it’s really starting to annoy me.

Yesterday, for example, I became upset that one of my family appeared to be acting very odd with me and putting off meeting up with me. He goes on to suggest loads of ideas like “you’re the one who needs to talk to her and ask what’s going on” and said I’m making a mistake by not doing so. I understand this may be true, but in that moment, I just wanted to hear “what a bitch” and have a cuddle and for him to be on my side.

I explained this and he got defensive saying he “won’t try and help next time” and “we all make mistakes I was just letting you know”.

He doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes I just want the comfort. But he always has to be really logical.

Am I silly?

I'm afraid I'm like you'd boyfriend I give solutions not hugs but working on it. Thought people wanted answers to a problem not to listen. It's just how your boyfriend works. Tell him gently that you want a hug and him to listen x

Dh is the same. He either offers practical solutions i dont want or he half heartedly listens whilst watching telly.

Ggrrrrr

That book is spot on!!!

This is me, absolutely. DD offloads, I find it really difficult to take on all her worries, and then I just go home and worry about her, so I always look for solutions.
I'm like this with everything, my gift is being able to see how things tick and mend them...it doesn't seem work with people!

The thing is I just don't know another way to be, if if I say "hmm, that's awful, you poor thing", she'll say "are you just humouring me?" if I say nothing, that's wrong too. Just how are you supposed to act in these situations?

I agree with those who says this is a trait of many men. I have 3 brothers and a sister and have seen this in the different way they react to any perceived problems. In male partners, I was well aware this would probably happen- was not wrong.

It depends on the solutions offered and the problem. A genuine practical solution that the person hasn't thought of or can't do themselves, will always be appreciated. E.g. offering to fix the car or look after the baby.
Solutions that are mansplaining or are criticising the person, that minimise the problem or that are only offered to make the person offering it look good are unlikely to go down well.
Does your solution offer something that the person hasn't thought of already, or is it just a way to avoid giving them any sympathy?
Often the best solution is simply to be a listening ear.

You have to act as though you care about her problems. Listen carefully, ask questions.
If you get this right now she'll confide in you when she's an adult. If you just don't want to know because it bothers you to see her unhappy then she'll learn to talk to other people instead .
You'll probably find that if she feels listened to she will rant less

Plenty of women are like this too so don't be a generalising fool!

My dh is like this but you know what I much prefer this. If I've had a hard day with the dc and he gets home, he would immediately start being practical - getting supper sorted out whilst giving the kids a bath or doing homework or just whatever practical needs being done. What's the point of both of us sitting around when all that still needs to be done, I can take myself off and have some much needed peace alone.

I am with your boyfriend on this one.

Saying ''what a bitch'' would be a bit of an immature and silly response in my opinion.

I would comfort and hug someone who is dealing with a real problem (illness, accident, loss of someone).

But come on OP, this just sounds like one the daily life irritations (you being annoyed by a family member) that we all have to deal with and get past.

I could not be with someone who needs that amount of hand holding every time something minor or someone bothers them.

I guess we just all have different personalities...

I mean, I'll do my best to comfort you as well, but when there's a practical solution that would make things better, and someone isn't willing to consider it, it honestly drives me mad. I just don't get it. But I know that's how some people think and that my approach is equally annoying for them.

This. I can relate OP as my DP is very much like yours and the response to any vent is invariably: “well, why don’t you do x…” It can feel brusque sometimes.

On the other hand there’s only so long someone can be expected to listen to someone whingeing directionlessly. If you are repeatedly complaining about the same topic without making any practical attempt to solve the problem you are making unfair demands of someone’s time. It’s draining and self indulgent to keep going on and on about the same subject if you aren’t prepared to try practical solutions.

I am quite tough with my DD on this front. If I suggest a solution to a problem and she chooses to ignore it more than twice I tell her I won’t discuss it until she has tried a practical approach.

Not everyone knows that people just want to be listened to and very few want ideas for problem solving. It is what counsellors are trained in. But you can’t really expect friends and family to know that.

very annoying though for you.

I once did a personality assessment thing at work, and one of the questions was “if your friend is upset, do you a) comfort them or b) offer solutions”.

I can distinctly remember the moment I read the question as I had never before that point considered there was an option other than offering a solution. Like it genuinely blew my mind that just saying “there, there” was a reasonable response to that scenario.

Now in my house we often start a rant with “I don’t want solutions so just hear me out” as an indicator of when one of us just wants a sympathetic ear!

My husband is like this too. He's so practical. I'm 60 we've been together 5 years, married for 2. I've taught him to say "how does that make you feel" when I go with a problem it helps open up the conversation. Still annoying though but I know he loves me.

My husband and I are both the same. My work friends are the same, as our job/lives are about working out what someone's problem is and solving it.

I recently had a little rant on whatsapp. My friend's answer was "Would you like support or solutions?" I thought that was quite helpful.

Obviously doesn't work for everyone, as it can sound quite cold.

But you don't have to say "What a bitch", or even agree, you can just acknowledge their feelings which really helps - "I can see it really upset you when she said that" or "That sounds really tough". It doesn't take much effort!

I don't know where you're getting the impression that the OP needs constant handholding!

I don't think anyone really wants "solutions" when they are having a moan do they? To me it's pretty obvious when someone wants a solution - they will usually say something like "what should I do" .
If they are just telling you about something then they probably don't want a solution. Or at least not until they've said all they want to.
Some people just like to dominate the conversation and can't be bothered to listen to anyone, or have poor social skills. It's nothing to do with different types of people. Men can have excellent social skills and these can also be learnt so there's no excuse really

@WillowCraft well maybe I just have poor social skills because it tends to be things like this:

DH: Oh god, Dave at work was really doing my head in today, he wants me to fill out this report and it's just full of pointless stuff when I really need to be getting on with XYZ.

Me: Well can you push back and ask if it's really needed, given you have XYZ to do? Or can you ask Dave which is more important to prioritize, XYZ or the report?

DH: gets annoyed with me

Me: Realises he just wants me to nod sympathetically and say "god Dave's a nightmare isn't he" or "gosh sounds tricky" or "oh how annoying" or something that I feel is completely vapid and unhelpful and dismissive of his issue...but for some reason that's what he wants to hear

It's nothing to do with dominating the conversation, and definitely isn't "can't be bothered to listen to anyone" - if anything, it's the absolute opposite. Offering a solution requires actually paying attention and thinking about the problem, whereas just consoling someone with a "there, there" is a zero-effort, "meh, whatever" response while browsing on your phone.

As for "pretty obvious", it's not pretty obvious to everyone. Why should someone be expected to divine what you want (read: guess) with a 50% chance of getting it wrong and ending up the subject of a thread in AIBU, when you could just spend two seconds telling them them up front so they've got context and don't waste brain time and energy on the wrong response?

My other half used to complain about getting the wrong response all the time (it was always a coin-flip and accordingly I'd get it wrong about half the time), but now gets the exact desired response 100% of the time with that simple little extra step instead of setting me up for failure.

I don't think this is a sex-based trait - both DH and I are very much like this, we like to suggest solutions and work things out. Perhaps talk to your BF at a neutral time (when you're not upset about something), not as an attack on him, but tell him your perspective. Getting annoyed about it won't help.

I don't know, I think it's emotionally intuitive and that usually if someone's feeling hurt or upset they need sympathy and comfort from someone close to them. If that someone misses that for whatever reason and, instead of responding to the feelings expressed, offers unsolicited advice, it can be very hurtful. It's often due to a problem with responding to emotions, perhaps an anxiety leading them to feel a need to find a way to stop the emotions (hence the offering of unwanted advice) or, like in the case of a previous poster, a dismissive attitude towards another person's feelings (calling someone's need for comfort and sympathy 'whining'). This is often due to that person having had their own feelings dismissed or reacted badly to in their childhood, so they never had appropriate emotional responses modelled. (This might happen to boys more than girls due to gender stereotype attitudes in some families.)

It might therefore need spelling out to them now, but it can be very hurtful and difficult for the person who just needs a sympathetic, empathic response and it means they have to put a lot of work in educating the other person.

It's often due to a problem with responding to emotions, perhaps an anxiety leading them to feel a need to find a way to stop the emotions (hence the offering of unwanted advice)

I guess that's what I don't get - if someone is expressing negative feelings, why wouldn't a loved one want to help them find a way to stop them? Or at least improve the situation to reduce the intensity or frequency of those negative feelings?

I agree also with @ntmdino that a sympathetic "oh poor you, that sounds awful" kind of answer feels to me low effort/low engagement. I understand that DH doesn't see it that way so I try and say what he needs to hear, but I still feel like I'm short-changing him.

Well, for my part...I'm autistic, I can't intuit emotions, so I have to logic my way through identifying situations where logical vs emotive expressions are required. The problem is that it's basically impossible to logically deduce which somebody wants, so the simplest solution is for that information to be given ahead of time, even if it's just "I need to rant".