My boyfriend always gives practical advice when I just want comforting

[cleoishungry]

I know he means well but it’s really starting to annoy me.

Yesterday, for example, I became upset that one of my family appeared to be acting very odd with me and putting off meeting up with me. He goes on to suggest loads of ideas like “you’re the one who needs to talk to her and ask what’s going on” and said I’m making a mistake by not doing so. I understand this may be true, but in that moment, I just wanted to hear “what a bitch” and have a cuddle and for him to be on my side.

I explained this and he got defensive saying he “won’t try and help next time” and “we all make mistakes I was just letting you know”.

He doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes I just want the comfort. But he always has to be really logical.

Am I silly?

I know this is a thing, but I have to say I find it hard to understand why someone would actively not want to resolve something and their preference is to just be unhappy.

"Do you seriously think I haven't already tried/ thought of doing that myself?"

(My DH is aware that by the time I tell him about a problem I'm likely to have decided what, if anything, I'm going to do about it and if I want advice I'll ask.)

For me, part of the problem with problem solvers is that sometimes they feel such a strong need to have to fix things and offer any advice, that they end up suggesting things that aren't very helpful. I had a friend like this, who was always giving terrible advice just because she felt she needed to offer some kind of solution. If I pointed out her solution wouldn't really work or wasn't applicable, she'd make me feel like I was being really difficult.

I'm always happy to hear good advice, even if it is unsolicited, but I resent situations where I haven't asked for advice, I've been given bad advice, and I now have to act like the problem's solved.

Obviously no one's preference is to be unhappy. But often it helps a lot just to vent and get things of one's chest. People who are problem solvers underestimate how helpful it is in itself just to listen and provide someone that space to vent.

I do this according to my DH. I "solutionize" when he just wants to vent/complain.

I find it really hard. My brain works differently to his. My brain automatically leans towards finding ways to help or solve. I often feel like he just wants to wallow/go over old ground without finding a way to resolve or help.

I don't think either of you are wrong, you just process things differently.

But often tbh, it's hard to hear him repeating the same old issues for many years without him engaging with any suggestions on moving them forward.

Im never unsympathetic, just a bit exasperated.

I do this too and I'm a woman. Also, if my husband or one of my daughters comes to me with a complaint about a friend or a work colleague, I'll listen but I'll often find myself trying to advocate for the other person's point of view (or what I imagine it to be) unless they've been an obvious arsehole. I think I do this because I don't like it when people fall out and I want to try to help resolve things.

I have got better at just listening but it's a conscious process - something I'm working on.

Me neither, I hate someone complaining about a perfectly solves or situation. Especially when they say - it gets me so depressed.
I honestly have to nod and bite my tongue.

if you have a problem, they are usually ways to fix them.

My BFF is like this. The words "you should" come out of her mouth so often. And more often than not, she's got hold of the wrong end of the wrong stick and will argue you into the ground. Nowadays, I just say "oh good idea" just to stop her talking out of her arse.

Sometimes we just have to spell it out.

My OH was like this- offering suggestions and solutions when I really just wanted to be heard and understood.

And yes it was a little annoying, but I knew he was trying to help.

So we had an honest conversation and I explained that often when I have a rant or a moan it doesn't help to be offered solutions. Those I can usually come up with myself.

He took that on board.
So now if I have a moan he will listen, engage, have empathy and show understanding, will only offer a solution if I ask.

And it is fantastic. But it did take a sit down and conversation of " when I feel like this then this is what best supports me.

Easier now for us both.

Perhaps you could explain to him that sometimes what you need is support and tell him that in advance like, I am just upset today and need your support, not to solve this problem for me. Sounds lie he is not really aware that there are different things needed at different times.

My mum is like this. I don't often vent but I've told her before it's ok I'm not looking for a solution just a vent. She says she feels helpless and wants to solve the problem. Just explain.

But truthfully emotional intelligence isn't easy to master as emotions are so nuanced and different people want different things from the same situations.

I do this (man).

I've learned to ask "support or solution?"

I'll be honest, I don't get it... bit it saves being snapped at for being constructive.

I would dispute this is male thing. I'm female and think the Venus/Mars stuff is sexist claptrap. My DH is definitely more "Venus" than I am.

Yes, definitely sexist claptrap. This is a personality thing, not a men vs women thing. Dh and I are both 'offer solutions' people. And also 'want solutions' people.

I agree it isn't a man / woman divide at all. I am naturally a person who wants to help - which translates in my head to solving whatever the issue is, or finding a resolution, but I recommend the book for all the people who struggle with the fact that they and the person who is close to them, respond differently to issues, so they can understand what is going on in the other person's head.

I have had to learn to respond differently from what seems the 'best' way to me, when one of my dc comes to me with something they are upset about. It has made a HUGE difference to our relationship now I "get" how differently her mind works, from the way my mind works.
Doesn't mean either person is right or wrong, but it means we understand the other one responds differently. Which is good.

There’s a Modern Family episode about this,
where April learns from the women at the spa how to listen to Claire.

People saying ‘why don’t they want their problem solving’ are missing the point. OP presumably isn’t an idiot , and knows she needs to talk to her relative. The point is discussing life events/feelings. In a way, one of the bigger reasons to have a life partner - to share the big and the small.

April = Phil

DH and I are both fixers too and many years ago made an agreement that, when one of us starts, the other will ask "are you looking for sympathies or solutions?" and then react accordingly.

Completely normal for a man to provide a fix in my opinion: you need to tell him what you actually need

I'd do that. I'm not into hugs and "aw babe" stuff

Something that I have come across is just asking someone in this situation is do you need me to listen or do you need solutions. Could you pose this approach to him? Can be helpful to distinguish and communicate at times when you may just need a vent as opposed to suggestions.

My 2p worth is that men and women are biologically wired differently and while women can both nurture and provide men are more stuck as no matter how hard they might want to change and be more nurturing, it just doesn't come naturally to the majority of them and I'm not sure it can be socially engineered. Ducks

I'd ask DP for his opinion on that, but he's busy cooking dinner right now and I've got a network issue to solve before 9pm. I'd like to get it sorted before he comes up to make the bed.

DH used to do this. It came from a good place; he hated seeing me sad and wanted to Fix! It! Right away! so I would be Not Sad.

I told him directly that I just needed him to give me a hug and express empathy, that I was as capable of him as solving the problem from a practical POV. It took a few go-rounds with me being direct but he got it, and ever since he's been great.

Before answering you can ask the person if they want to be heard, hugged or helped.
I quite liked that.

Same. You have to just keep telling him