My boyfriend always gives practical advice when I just want comforting

[cleoishungry]

I know he means well but it’s really starting to annoy me.

Yesterday, for example, I became upset that one of my family appeared to be acting very odd with me and putting off meeting up with me. He goes on to suggest loads of ideas like “you’re the one who needs to talk to her and ask what’s going on” and said I’m making a mistake by not doing so. I understand this may be true, but in that moment, I just wanted to hear “what a bitch” and have a cuddle and for him to be on my side.

I explained this and he got defensive saying he “won’t try and help next time” and “we all make mistakes I was just letting you know”.

He doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes I just want the comfort. But he always has to be really logical.

Am I silly?

Some people are like this.

They don’t understand that you just want to hear “I understand why you feel that way. Yes that’s annoying / sad / frustrating. I’d feel the same way if I was in your shoes.”

Instead they hear a problem which needs problem solving.

Is try speaking to him again and say to him you’re not telling him things because you can’t think of a solution. You just want him to listen and hear how you’re feeling.

This can be super hard for some people to do. You could help him out by saying “I want to tell you something and I don’t want you to problem solve I just want you to listen. The other day… blah blah.” Then he might get it.

Also be aware it’s super hard for “problem solvers” to hear you complain repeatedly about things and not do anything about those things. They can feel frustrated by that and can also feel like you’re dragging their mood down by complaining. For example, if you’re complaining to him about family every day he could get really fed up of hearing it.

So it’s probably good to have several people to go to if you need a whinge. For example mum, close friends, other family members etc.

Rather than getting annoyed, try looking at it from his perspective - he's seeing someone he loves stressed/upset/angry, and wants to fix it by getting rid of the cause rather than putting a plaster over it...because he really, really doesn't like seeing you like that and wants to stop it happening again.

Obviously that's not what you want, but it's where his brain is going to go every single time. The simple solution is to tell him you don't want a practical solution before you have a rant, and then let loose.

My dh used to be like this. You need to speak about it when you’re both calm and say that all you want is a hug and can he not take offence at that.
Then if he does it again just say, “can I just have a hug” and hopefully he’ll remember what you have said previously. He should take it on board. My dh did, but I do sometimes have to remind him, and he’s fine with that.

You are not being silly but equally I am not sure you can be mad at him either. His natural inclination is to try to help you fix it, which presumably is sometimes what you need and also useful. Perhaps you just need to tell him what you want from him, or, go and vent to someone else when it's just a matter of needing to vent. How long have you been together? Might he get a feel over time for if it's a problem to be solved or just one to vent about?

I'm like this.
Strategy to resolve is the first thing I think about.

It's not a gender thing. It's just a different communication style/personality thing.

I'll be honest: I actually find it quite annoying when people tell me about a problem and then just want me to nod and agree instead of actually helping them to solve whatever the problem is.

It's completely alien to me to have a problem and not to want to try and fix it. And I don't like being helpless.

I mean, I'll do my best to comfort you as well, but when there's a practical solution that would make things better, and someone isn't willing to consider it, it honestly drives me mad. I just don't get it. But I know that's how some people think and that my approach is equally annoying for them.

My husband does this too, drives me mad! Although he's learned, after nearly a decade together, to know when I just want to moan or have a cuddle.

Think it's just a personality thing - my hubby is very logical and just always want to be a problem solver, and make everything better, there's no malice intended. But yeah, you just need to tell him when you want advice vs a cuddle, my hubby wasn't great at picking up cues at first.

I also lean towards fixing and making suggestions rather than just listening

There was an episode of Parks and Rec where this was a thing with Chris and Anne

• Ron Swanson : You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher: trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are!
• Tom Haverford : Hey man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself. What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
• Donna Meagle : That sucks.
• Chris Traeger : That sucks?
• Tom Haverford : I've spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me. When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it. Just say, "Damn, that sucks."

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3442160/characters/nm0000507

Defiantly not just men. My DH is definitely one of the 'don't want advice just acceptance ' crew while I'm all about a practical solution.

Sometimes he even says "I can hear you thinking what the solution is and appreciate that you are not saying it.

I don't really get how anyone could not want the solution. Sigh.

Was just going to say to the OP to read that book !

we went to see John Gray and oh boy was he good, gave us a greater understanding of how each others minds worked

you just need to tell him when you want advice vs a cuddle

Agree with this. And he can't get offended if you say "I just want a cuddle not advice".

This. It's how we men tend to be wired. I like to think I've got better at providing hugs and sympathy, but when I was young I tended to be exactly the same as your BF

Not just men. My best friend and sister are both like this! I’ve barely finished talking and they leap in with potential fixes and solutions when all I wanted was someone to go ‘Aw that’s crap isn’t it?’ Lucky I love them both a lot, but it can be very frustrating. I recently did a course and a part of it was active listening and it was amazing how powerful it was when you just get a chance to talk without any interruptions or when you just have to listen without saying anything at all.

It is personality. I am not a moaner and I don't quite get why people would rather feel bad and moan than resolve the issue. But I get that some people just love to wallow and complain and seek attention for it. Many others including your boyfriend are more about solving the problem.

I'm like this and DP has sometimes had to spell out that he doesn't want me to solve his problem, he just wants sympathy. That doesn't come naturally to me though; if all I can offer are sympathetic words or a hug, I feel absolutely useless.

I actually dislike it when people just want to moan or vent at me. Why don't they want their problem to be resolved? If we talk it through there are almost always plenty of options to at least make it better, and we can work together towards it. I don't get it.

I also don't understand the need to "just" moan or vent. When I complain about something the subtext is that I am very much looking for help in finding a solution. I do not want hugs and I do not want to hear "awww" - I want my problem to be gone!

I'm more of a helper than a comforter I'm afraid, but knowing that I do try to comfort when needed. I just feel gauche and think I may come across as insincere, which I'm not. I am asd though.

When I try to say "aww, that sucks" I honestly feel like a robot. An insincere one. What I naturally do is interrogate DP about every possible relevant angle to his problem because that'll be where the solution lies. He has told me firmly not to do that.

Get him to start asking you " do you want a solution or just need a rant" I've got my husband to do this and it's been brilliant because sometimes I want a solution but sometimes I just want a moan.

Yes that is me. I tend to forget emotions at times and want to solve the problem. I find that more comforting to be honest.

I used to do this to my wife all the time! Then she waited until a time when she wasn't upset and calmly explained to me that she really just wants sympathy unless she specifically asks for advice. I'd recommend doing the same for your boyfriend. Also, remember he means well- some of us are just life's problem-solvers and want to fix the problems of the people we love- we don't mean to piss them off!

When I want to get things off my chest, it doesn't mean that I need any help solving the problem - in fact I probably already know the best way to tackle it - I just want some "woe is me" time before I get to it.

If someone wants some help, maybe trust that they might know better than you what they need in the moment, which can be sympathy that they can draw strength from, rather than advice.

I am like your bf. I honestly do not understand the point of telling someone about a problem if you don't want advise about it. I would never raise or discuss an issue with a friend unless I thought they could help so it is my natural inclination to try to help other people when they tell me about something that's upsetting them. But one family has said, like you, that they just want to moan and receive sympathy (even if they are in the wrong or at fault) do now I do that with them but I hate it.

I have a friend who seems to go into problem solving mode even when there aren’t any problems:

Friend: What are you up to at the weekend?
Me: No plans yet, will see how things pan out
Friend: Well why don’t you do X, Y and Z?
Me: Um…..

I'm like this. I genuinely thought by offering suggestions or advice I was showing how much I really care about the issue/wanted to help... But some don't find it emotionally helpful! I really resonate with what @Lilithlogic and @gannett have said here.

Anyway, what's helped me is something I read:
• as the sufferer, say "I just need to have a good rant right now." which establishes you simply want to vent.
• as the listener, ask "do you want advice, or to vent?"

I'd talk to your bf (not at a moment when you're actually upset about something) and explain how it makes you feel, though you understand his advice coming from a good place, etc.

Was coming on to tell you both to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Of course I know it's not all men, nor all women but worth reading to see that people respond in different ways - or want a different response - when something is troubling them.