My boyfriend always gives practical advice when I just want comforting

[cleoishungry]

I know he means well but it’s really starting to annoy me.

Yesterday, for example, I became upset that one of my family appeared to be acting very odd with me and putting off meeting up with me. He goes on to suggest loads of ideas like “you’re the one who needs to talk to her and ask what’s going on” and said I’m making a mistake by not doing so. I understand this may be true, but in that moment, I just wanted to hear “what a bitch” and have a cuddle and for him to be on my side.

I explained this and he got defensive saying he “won’t try and help next time” and “we all make mistakes I was just letting you know”.

He doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes I just want the comfort. But he always has to be really logical.

Am I silly?

Just here to say DH still does this. We're in our 50s and the man still hasn't leaned.

I really struggle with this if I’m perfectly honest. I realise it’s me at fault though as it’s clearly a common problem and the majority of people here seem to get where you’re coming from.

I just feel like it’s a little bit selfish to expect someone to just listen and not feel able to offer any ideas to help address the problem. Like transferring the load onto someone else?

I can't remember where I saw it, but there was a couple in a successful long term relationship who said it had been a real game changer for them when they got into the habit of asking what support was required, 'sympathy or solutions?' when the other was discussing a problem.
So simple, but it has REALLY helped with my partner too.

Something that I find useful in my relationship, we offer the phrase comfort or solutions and then act accordingly. It works very well.

I had the same approach for a long time. If you didn't want to discuss solitons, why bother asking. My DH has really bought into saying "I just need to vent, I don't need solutions". So now I can calmly listen and agree. It's actually a blessing because his work is horribly complicated. I just automatically wanted to offer solutions that would calm him down before.

I found this video really helpful. I tend to be a "fixer" but I'm trying to be more of a listener.

A lot of people tell others about a problem not just to moan or wallow or the other negative assumptions in this thread but because discussing it helps them to start to resolve it in their own head. They can start to examine solutions through talking it over with someone. If the other person pre-empts that it can be really annoying because you have to keep saying, yes but that won't work because, x,y and z. So coming up with solutions isn't always the help you think it is.

Getting sympathy and support also helps because it brings down the emotional dysregulation that someone might be experiencing that helps them to then use their brain more efficiently (excess stress reduces the effectiveness of the pre-frontal cortex so makes judgement and reasoning less available).

I realised I did this with my kids, but now ask them "comfort or solution?" whenever they come home ranting or upset about something.

It means I can adjust my response based on whether they just want soothing, soft words, a head stroke and cuddles, or whether they want me to engage with the issue and talk it through with them.

Most of the time they just want to rage at me (in lieu of the person/thing they're actually mad at) so I'm going to add in a "brick wall" option which is basically where I stand and nod sympathetically and then give them a biscuit.

Highly recommend the above approaches! I'm a problem solver but I've very much realised that I don't need to solve a lot of this shit and we all sometimes just need a listening ear!

I do this when people constantly complain and especially about the same things over and over and never do anything to fix things

Tell him you just want to talk - you don't want him to solve that problem. You aren't a child.

There, there.

A lot of men just exchange facts as a way of being social, and when they hear about a difficulty they reply with what they think are helpful facts. Others call this mansplaining, but I've watched men together, some just tell each other things. Mine does this, so if I'm looking to think through a problem then i clearly state this, and that activates his natural inclination. If instead I'm looking to share about something then i clearly state that, triggering his listening mode. When he forgets i cut him off saying something like "I can see why you'd think that but I'm not looking to problem solve this, it just hurts (or whatever)", and that reminds him. I opt not to be offended, and to be clear instead.

Interesting thread! My dd (high functioning autistic) shouts “I don’t want you to tell me how to fix it, I want you to just shut up and listen to me”. And to be fair, I do understand what she means!!

I know people think they're being helpful, but when you're upset about something, it's not helpful to have to stop and patiently explain to someone that yes, you have actually thought of all the obvious solutions that they can come up with off the top of their head in two seconds, and, no, you can't actually do do X, Y, or Z, and then justify why you haven't done something else that seems very logical and practical to them, but isn't because the situation is more complicated. It's draining!

Most men are like this. If you tell them enough times, 'I don't want you to try to fix this for me [because it's unfixable, because I've already thought it all of those blindingly obvious things, whatever], I just need you to listen to how I feel' they do eventually seem to cotton on. Almost with a sigh of relief.

Until the next time. It's just how they are.

This is just what men do...

Yes, but although there are no innate differences between the sexes, thereis the cultural thing where males are stereotypically brought up to share and show feelings less (except anger) and are supposed to be fixers or providers, which could be behind any difference in communication styles between sexes.

This reminds me of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray

Holy fucking christ on a stick, people aren't quoting this debunked, awful claptrap decades later surely?? How unbelievably depressing.

To be honest I think you used a bad example. It could read that you’re the common denominator with a problem with everyone, ie reading too much into both your family member and your boyfriend’s actions

YABU. Men are from mars. Not just men, women too, I can comfort, but most things need a practical solution.

Erm wouldn't get me telling you what you wanted to know to keep you happy

I'd be the same as the boyfriend in this example.

I can't stand it when people just want to moan to an audience rather than solve a problem with an obvious solution.

I used to do this. Now I ask, "do you want help with the problem, or do you want sympathy?"

I'm like your DH. I'm a problem solver & struggle with just listening as it's not how I work & seems fake & insincere.

I also never just vent as its not how I am, I discuss things alongside a solution, or ask DH to help me find a solution.

I recognise I'm like this & not everyone is like me so I'm trying hard to work out when I should just listen but I find it difficult& feels so unnatural to me but I am trying.

Mine is the same. His natural instinct is to fix. I've said to him that sometimes I just need him to nod his head and say yes, it's shit. It will be okay