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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
TooOldForThisNonsense · 23/08/2023 13:15

As for her being able to commence a career in future I have to say that if I was a recruiter and her CV came in with 3 degrees, but no work experience whatsoever, not even a part time job, I wouldn’t be in a rush to offer her an interview

TeaAndStrumpets · 23/08/2023 13:16

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

Leave her to it OP. What matters is that you love her and will always be there for her. Try and distance yourself mentally from all the "should haves" It really doesn't help your MH.

SunRainStorm · 23/08/2023 13:16

What will she do with herself when her children are teenagers? Or adults?

She'll have no identity.

Possiblynotever · 23/08/2023 13:17

LoserWinner · 23/08/2023 12:29

My parents paid for my education 'so I could have choices'. When I made a life choice they didn't like, they responded much the way the OP is here. There seems to be a transactional element here - 'we paid for you to have a good education, now you have to pay us back by using that education to live the life we want for you.' That is not loving parenting. Even if the daughter is making a huge mistake, she's an adult who is entitled to make her own mistakes. The OP needs to back off, support the daughter, and accept that she's now an adult.

This is extremely harsh, I do not think there is a transactional element.
The OP paid for her DD top education because this would have granted independence.
Not working at all will decrease her chances of independence, should she need it one day. In the future, she may have to settle for a lower qualified job.
I would not worry about the age gap as much as the unhealthy lifestyle of this man. Also, having children in your 40s and being a workaholic will be a struggle.
But we are all speaking on insight...

tothelefttotheleft · 23/08/2023 13:17

Comedycook · 23/08/2023 12:46

To be honest she's not much different to the girls who get pregnant young to secure a council flat and live on benefits all their life. Hers is just a more privileged version. If anything, it's worse, as she has had much more education and opportunity.

It's not possible to do live on benefits like that anymore. Have you not heard of universal credit ?

SunnyFrost · 23/08/2023 13:18

On the plus side, at least she’s marrying before having kids and being a SAHM so if it all goes wrong she has a bit more security in terms of a divorce settlement. Absolutely not the same as having her own earning power but it’s something.

I would also be upset about this OP and I’m sure the replies are hard to hear, but I do think have some truth in them. Has she EVER earned a penny of her own through any sort of part time or Saturday job? Or has she been given every penny she’s ever had?

Help supporting kids is very normal in a middle class professional family, I had uni fees and a car paid for myself, plus a small house deposit. But fun stuff like travelling was up to me to find and my parents had watched me work Saturdays and holidays since I was 13 years old, paid for all my driving lessons etc. Pretty sure they wouldn’t have helped me out to the same degree if I didn’t demonstrate my own work ethic as well. I don’t think you have done her any favours unfortunately, despite meaning well.

MaybeSmaller · 23/08/2023 13:19

She has travelled a lot, in most of her Uni holidays. Holiday job as a teen wasn't an option, 8 weeks in the summer would be split between each set of grandparents, godparents and travelling so never in one place long enough.

IOW she never got a job (or needed to) because she was too busy gallivanting, which was all paid for by you?

misssunshine4040 · 23/08/2023 13:19

She has been bankrolled her whole life.
Gifted £20,000 plus access to family money to go travelling? And now an eternal student!
You instilled absolutely zero work ethic in her at all.
Why has she never had a job?
She could have worked PT during uni. You know work experience is as important as education.
She is an adult living her own life leave her be and stop paying for stuff

Vettrianofan · 23/08/2023 13:19

SunRainStorm · 23/08/2023 13:16

What will she do with herself when her children are teenagers? Or adults?

She'll have no identity.

BS. She can do anything she likes. I am about to commence another degree via the OU soon. Been years since I last was in higher education but really looking forward to it. You don't just die off once you have raised your family 😂🤣 it's okay to have a long hiatus and start a new chapter later on in life.

So many narrow minded folk using MN. Life doesn't have to just be lived in one way. It's okay to be flexible.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/08/2023 13:20

I have to say that if I was a recruiter and her CV came in with 3 degrees, but no work experience whatsoever, not even a part time job, I wouldn’t be in a rush to offer her an interview

I've been a recruiter - retired now - and can say with confidence that anyone with sense does exactly the same

This whole thing could work out just fine, providing her husband doesn't twig quite what he's being used for and decides he's had enough of that
Should that happen things may look very different for her

Theborder · 23/08/2023 13:20

It is a bit embarrassing how she’s never earnt a single penny for herself but I guess she had no need.

Araminta34 · 23/08/2023 13:20

You brought her up, you paid for a good education, and now she is quite free to choose her own path in life.
I would be a big concerned about the age gap, but I wouldn't consider it to be my business.
Not everyone needs to have a job, all that is needed is sufficient income and if her husband is providing that, then I don't see a problem.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/08/2023 13:20

As I said - it's her decision, and she may be very happy and contented with children, There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM or parent at all but given that she's planning this very young, before having tried the world of work, at least you can encourage her to think of adapting her plans slightly to protect her future independence so that she lessens the risks or is better able to deal with any adversity that life may throw.

frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 13:20

I’d be really worried if my DD, decided to place all her financial security in her husband and relationship.

I’ve bought my girls up to retain their financial independence. Relationships don’t always work out, it could be anything like death/illness not just divorce.

she’s handing control of her life to someone else.

ArcticLingered · 23/08/2023 13:21

As @SunnyFrost says, at least she has the sense to get married first so that she can have financial security for herself when they divorce.

It sounds like she has been mollycoddled far too much by @BeauxBelle and has zero work ethic. And as to the reference to her father being a lawyer and "working hard" 😂🙄

Friendshipissue · 23/08/2023 13:21

I keep hearing stories like this, and then I saw this "influencer" account on insta encouraging young women to find a rich man and become a stay at home girlfriend/ wife

instagram.com/yourfrenchbff_?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Op I would raise my concerns in the most careful manner as you could lose her but ultimately she is an adult and is free to live her life the way she wants.

LunaNorth · 23/08/2023 13:21

At least she’s got the sense to marry him, so if the marriage goes tits up she won’t be left potless.

lavendersbluedillydilly12 · 23/08/2023 13:21

She's an adult. She can do as she likes and it sounds like she's doing exactly what she wants! 'A woman's place is exactly where she wants to be.' The 'you've got to be a career girl' is just as sexist and controlling and yucky as 'you've got to be pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen.' Leave her alone.

caramacyears · 23/08/2023 13:22

I understand how you must be feeling. I had a simlar problem in that my parents set up a fund for my DS's university education, but he was adamant he wanted to leave school at 16. Sadly trying to make kids follow the path you would wish for them can be tricky. I'm sure your husband would recommend a good prenup to ensure your daughter is protected though.

Devonshirelass · 23/08/2023 13:23

I would also advise her to make sure that there is an absolute massive life insurance policy taken out on him, in terms of paying off the mortgage, a lump sum and regular monthly income.

WishIHadAButler · 23/08/2023 13:23

She is making herself potentially very vulnerable in the future. My older teens know they should not give up work when they have kids and not rely on anyone financially (if their health allows).

I guess I don’t always understand why healthy adults want to live off a husband, parents or the government without a very good reason.

OP does she not have more ambitious friends who can persuade her of an alternative plan?

PurpleChrayne · 23/08/2023 13:23

Sounds sweet to me!

Jamtartforme · 23/08/2023 13:23

Leave her to it?! Ffs OP is her mother. When it all goes tits up she may well be asking why the hell, as her biggest protector with twice the life experience, she didn’t even mention your concerns. This ‘oh don’t say anything’ obsession is nuts, what are family for if not looking out for you? Literally what?

Jamtartforme · 23/08/2023 13:24

*she didn’t even mention her concerns

Hollyppp · 23/08/2023 13:24

It’s her life to make her own choices. How long do my you want to decide her life path for her?