Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 13:24

TooOldForThisNonsense · 23/08/2023 13:15

As for her being able to commence a career in future I have to say that if I was a recruiter and her CV came in with 3 degrees, but no work experience whatsoever, not even a part time job, I wouldn’t be in a rush to offer her an interview

My SIL was wildly indignant that no company was offering her more than DH ‘s salary when she was job hunting with her two MA’s.

she spent a good while unemployed as she wouldn’t go for jobs she considered beneath her (anything that paid less than what she thought DH earned without a degree and decades of work experience).

Was actually sad to see her so angry and entitled actually.

itsmyp4rty · 23/08/2023 13:24

Sounds like she's had a great life and now wants to get married, have children and be a SAHM. I had a similar life - although not quite as privileged and I'm much happier and less stressed then the mums I know that are trying to juggle full time work, a house and kids. Mine are older and I now work part time when I want to.
He'd be mad to marry her if he's trying to trap her - she could walk away with half his assets.

DinnaeFashYersel · 23/08/2023 13:25

She needs to make her own life.

If she is an intelligent woman she will get bored being a housewife pretty quickly and will hopefully find something to fulfil herself with.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 13:25

@Jamtartforme

You get involved due to safeguarding concerns only. Not because you yourself don’t want your child to become a SAHM at a young age. This young woman isn’t really at risk is she?

hettie · 23/08/2023 13:26

Whose funding her right now? Where is she getting money for rent and food? You urgently need to pull the plug on sending her money. Why oh why you did this is anyone's guess, poor girl has no clue has she....

ArcticLingered · 23/08/2023 13:26

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

This is almost laughable, assuming it is real.

So the OP is a GP, the father is a lawyer and the brother is an accountant?

You need to tell your daughter she needs to train to be an architect forthwith... Actually given all the unvocational arts degrees, perhaps a senior civil servant. That's where all the aimless daydreamers from "well to do" families seem to end up.

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 13:27

She'll have a fab education, has travelled, is marrying a nice man who will support her and is ready for a family, and will have children at a healthy age. She'll probably get to her 30s, feel a bit bored, and will find her way to a career then.

Would you prefer her to work her ass off, get to 35, an accomplished but tired as fuck professional and realize she's left it a bit too late for kids ? Because that's where I am. Happy about some things, regret other things.

No woman can do it all!

Tapasita · 23/08/2023 13:27

I also agree with another poster upthread who said she sounds frightened and is seeking reliable, comfortable avenues of support. At what point in her life has she learnt how to stand on her own two feet? You can cosset a child too much. Where is her confidence in her own self-reliance?

Letstalkrealpropertyshallwe · 23/08/2023 13:27

RunningFromInsanity · 23/08/2023 12:20

You paid for her to take a year of holidays?

She’s been funded by others her whole life so far, why are you surprised she wants to continue this?
She’s just swapping her income stream from you to her husband.

It doesn’t sound like you have instilled any work ethic or financial sense in her at all.

THIS^ hands down!!

Saschka · 23/08/2023 13:28

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

She knows exactly what she wants to do. Sit on her bum and do nothing while somebody else finds her. She’s managed it for the past 23 years, and now she’s found somebody else to do it.

I doubt she will get pregnant immediately - she’ll enjoy continuing to be a lady of leisure for a few more years.

I would disapprove too OP, but this is obviously who she is. £20k for a gap year is obscene, btw. There is no reason she couldn’t have self-funded and still managed a lot of travel (I worked for three months, travelled for nine, and then worked for another three before I started med school. I also worked all the way through med school (phlebotomist, temp medical PA). You have created this.

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2023 13:28

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased.

So why so sour faced now?

mirax · 23/08/2023 13:28

All of you are worrying about a young woman who seems to know exactly how to live the easy life. Note the fiance is on track to C-suite executive status, has rich parents who have bankrolled his move to a bigger house. She will be more than fine.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/08/2023 13:29

frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 13:20

I’d be really worried if my DD, decided to place all her financial security in her husband and relationship.

I’ve bought my girls up to retain their financial independence. Relationships don’t always work out, it could be anything like death/illness not just divorce.

she’s handing control of her life to someone else.

Well absolutely, these workaholic types often don't make old bones, she could be a widow in her 40s. Or he could swap her out for a younger model when she gets to a certain age - he clearly is inclined towards substantially younger women. If she even did a year or two of work, any work, she would be giving herself something to put on a CV and something to prove to herself that she is more than a gilded princess, that she is a person of value outside and who can contribute not just take/consume. The second Masters is a ridiculous idea and shows at best a lack of judgement on his part, at worst a desire to keep her dependent on him and in the place of decorative girlfriend rather than independent woman.

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 13:29

mirax · 23/08/2023 13:28

All of you are worrying about a young woman who seems to know exactly how to live the easy life. Note the fiance is on track to C-suite executive status, has rich parents who have bankrolled his move to a bigger house. She will be more than fine.

Until he runs off with a younger model and hides his money..........

mindutopia · 23/08/2023 13:30

I think you need to be a source of emotional support to her and keep the door open, but also let her live her life. I mean, she's 22. At 22, I was living at home and didn't even have a master's degree. I was dating an absolute wanker (who had no money and also lived at home with his parents).

Very few people have decent jobs - or any jobs, in the current economy - at 22. I would see it as only a good thing that she has 2 master's degrees and is not struggling financially. Yes, the age gap is worrying. Yes, her life will be easier if she doesn't have children young. But it sounds like ultimately she has things a lot easier than many new graduates. She will find her way. Staying at home and having babies may seem romantic and easy to someone still trying to figure out how to launch in the world. And even if that's the route she takes, she will soon learn it's not as fun or easy as it looks. A career and a life outside of the house will probably start to look pretty attractive. She will still have the means to have a great life. But she has to make her own mistakes along the way.

Just keep the conversation going and the door open.

frazzledasarock · 23/08/2023 13:30

Getting a good payout on divorce is dependant on the ability to instruct and pay for an amazing solicitor.

amazing solicitors charge by the hour and by the time a contentious divorce is finalised can cost tens of thousands at least. Never mind the cost of barristers.

also she will have no pension to see her through old age.

I’d hate for my children to have to rely on the kindness of their partners to ensure they had money.

IAmKenough · 23/08/2023 13:30

DinnaeFashYersel · 23/08/2023 13:25

She needs to make her own life.

If she is an intelligent woman she will get bored being a housewife pretty quickly and will hopefully find something to fulfil herself with.

Intelligent women can be SAHM mums.

Original poster
BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 13:30

hettie · 23/08/2023 13:26

Whose funding her right now? Where is she getting money for rent and food? You urgently need to pull the plug on sending her money. Why oh why you did this is anyone's guess, poor girl has no clue has she....

She lives with her fiancé has done for a year, we don't contribute anything now (we paid the MA she is finishing now) but he pays for food (she does most of the cooking), all the pills, he is mortgage free, pays for her to have her hair done all the time, nails etc.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 23/08/2023 13:30

It’s her choice.

She can always do something once the kids are at school. By paying for an expensive education you have allowed her access into a network of wealth where it’s not entirely unusual for women not to work. There’s plenty of opportunity later in life to find something to occupy her time.

All reliant on her relationship standing the rest of time. If it doesn’t work out she’ll need to support herself, there no spousal support these days.

thecatsthecats · 23/08/2023 13:30

Well, you paid for her to attend top schools, which is buying her a privilege over a poorer kid with more aptitude and effort. And traditionally those top schools were for well-bred gels to meet the right man. So job done there. She's even had a nice gap yah paid for.

Frankly, my drive for financial independence came from my parents being tight with money, a bit controlling/overanxious, and NOT having everything handed to me on a plate.

Octavia64 · 23/08/2023 13:31

I was in a similar situation.

I got married straight from uni.

I have gynae issues and my consultant told me that I might never have children at all, and that if I wanted them we should start trying asap.

My parents strongly disapproved of me getting married that young (my dad said 'you'll regret it') and even more strongly disapproved of me having children young.

It took us a year and a half to conceive my twins and I am so happy I had them. If we hadn't have done it early I might never have had children.

My parents were vaguely aware I had some gynae issues but didn't really know how bad they were and as they weren't the sympathetic type I never really discussed it with them.

As agreed with my husband I was a sahm until they went into school and then I got a job. I've been a teacher for 20 years now.

I didn't waste my education. I didn't destroy my life.

I just did things in a different order to the way many people do today for very good reasons.

Your daughter might also have good reasons.

Theborder · 23/08/2023 13:31

@mirax

Agreed. I mean she’s hardly marrying a pauper is she. She sounds smart to me. Rather her than me though with that age gap, he will be a limp grandad before you know it.

mirax · 23/08/2023 13:32

mycoffeecup · 23/08/2023 13:29

Until he runs off with a younger model and hides his money..........

Show quote history

The reverse can also happen. She sues for divorce, makes off with half the assets he built up and lives it up with a series of boy toys.

Cordeliathecat · 23/08/2023 13:32

“I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs……. and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??”

You paid for all those opportunities in order to provide her with options in life. She has those options now and will still in the future should she ever want to change her path.

It’s time now for you to sit back and let her make her own decisions. She’s still so young, anything could happen.

(although I do understand your frustrations and I’d probably feel the same way)

Swipe left for the next trending thread