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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding one, kids or no kids at the wedding?

144 replies

CornishBarbie · 23/08/2023 10:33

Please be honest with me. As parents would you want your kids at a wedding? A majority of these kids are not kids I'm close to btw, just literally children of adult guests. I'm so torn whilst planning about whether it's something they should or shouldn't be invited to. One friend says it's a night off for her and dh to be child free and enjoy a wedding, there's always childcare or the option of not coming for those who are in this predicament. The other has said she would match her kids outfits with hers and it would be a lovely family affair. I really have no idea what is truly suitable and would be mortified if I said no kids and it offended people - I do get that it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want really but these are people I have invited because I really love them and their happiness on the day matters to me too. My original thoughts was no kids, mainly as I remember going to a wedding as a 7 ish year old with a sickness bug and it was a horribly long day, I certainly didn't know it was a wedding in the way and adult would appreciate it and it probably ruined in for my mum too. I have always just assumed weddings to be an adult event.

Tweaked the voting so I can see what all your responses reflect-

Yabu = no kids, parents can go a day or a day and night without them and wouldn't think badly of you for it.

Yanbu = have kids, the majority are well behaved and it's just easier when lots of people have them.

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 23/08/2023 15:28

If you say kids are welcome, people who don’t want to bring theirs can still leave them behind.

If you say no kids, someone who you really would miss might not be able to attend because they are breastfeeding or have no childcare.

TizerorFizz · 23/08/2023 15:36

If anyone mentions matching outfits with DC, your wedding becomes all about them. Instantly.

I’ve been to a couple of weddings where Dc ran around the church. It just made it difficult to hear and very annoying for everyone. I’ve just been to a memorial service with a baby crying. If DC go you do need parents to know when to remove them. They don’t.

If you don’t mind possible interruptions snd are ok with over tired Dc, go for children. It is perfectly ok to have adults only and most parents can (and do) get childcare for a day.

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:38

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2023 15:26

That’s one of the reasons why I had a child free wedding. Very quickly, especially with several children it becomes more of a kid type party/disco with kid activities and the such like.

I didn’t want my wedding to be like that.

Show quote history

No judgement and everyone does what suits them, but my wedding wasn't a "kid type party/ disco with kid activities and the such like".

It was a wonderful day full of love, family and friends which included both children (and child appropriate things) and adults (and adult appropriate things). That doesn't mean it was like a kids birthday party. More just an accurate reflection of our lives in which we spend time with people we love of all ages.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2023 15:41

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:38

No judgement and everyone does what suits them, but my wedding wasn't a "kid type party/ disco with kid activities and the such like".

It was a wonderful day full of love, family and friends which included both children (and child appropriate things) and adults (and adult appropriate things). That doesn't mean it was like a kids birthday party. More just an accurate reflection of our lives in which we spend time with people we love of all ages.

Show quote history

The weddings I’ve been to with several children have always felt more like that to me. It’s just a completely different atmosphere and not one I wanted for my wedding.

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:45

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2023 15:41

The weddings I’ve been to with several children have always felt more like that to me. It’s just a completely different atmosphere and not one I wanted for my wedding.

Show quote history

Each to their own. We had around 25 kids at our wedding and it didn't feel dominated by kids at all. It was joyous. But we did put a hell of a lot of planning into making sure everyone was extremely well catered for.

switswoo81 · 23/08/2023 15:45

I'm in my 40's and I have never been to a wedding that has kids of guests. Only nieces/nephews and newborns have ever been present.
Personally I prefer it and I would hate to have to bring my kids to a wedding.

msmonstera · 23/08/2023 15:45

I was at a wedding where an unattended small child did a poo under the buffet table.
Another where a child threw a ball at the bride's head in the first dance.
Another where a toddler screamed through the vows and its mother said, and genuinely seemed to believe, that he was 'joining in'.
I'd be a firm no. Risks too great imo.

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:47

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 15:23

For me the whole reason for a wedding is two families celebrating together. Otherwise just get married. I don't really see the point of a wedding without the kids.

Perhaps not friends' children if numbers are a challenge, but definitely all the family kids.

I love seeing the children on a dance floor 😆

The point is a party with your friends.

I'm estranged from my family and DP is pretty low contact with his, so I wonder where our hypothetical wedding would fit into this rather narrow-minded view.

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:48

switswoo81 · 23/08/2023 15:45

I'm in my 40's and I have never been to a wedding that has kids of guests. Only nieces/nephews and newborns have ever been present.
Personally I prefer it and I would hate to have to bring my kids to a wedding.

Edited

No one has to though - just because kids are allowed doesn't mean anyone has to bring them. People who want to leave their kids at home can do so.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2023 15:48

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:45

Each to their own. We had around 25 kids at our wedding and it didn't feel dominated by kids at all. It was joyous. But we did put a hell of a lot of planning into making sure everyone was extremely well catered for.

Show quote history

It’s definitely an each to their own thing. It should be about what the bride and groom want and of course, should they opt for a child free wedding accepting that not everyone may come.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 15:51

I enjoy weddings with children and without, I'm not against weddings with children there, but I find it really bizarre when people go on about weddings without children being soulless and pointless. Adults can bring soul to a party too, you know, that's not something unique to children. Similarly an event they aren't at is not pointless.

Sugarfree23 · 23/08/2023 15:52

One of my cousins I really wanted there but I knew babysitting would be an issue. I also had a cousin who was single but had child so I ended up including my cousins kids, which was 6 kids it also meant my neices had some company.

But drew the line at friends kids, just too difficult numbers they would have added another 30 people who we just didn't have space for.

Wexone · 23/08/2023 15:53

We had no lids at our wedding apart from nieces and nephews and one new born. Nieces and nephews are young teenagers, sis kids toddlers and she refused point blank to bring them. She wanted a day to enjoy it aswel as her husband, they came for 10 mins after ceremony for photos - venue was local to where they lived - and babysitter brought them home then. Sister and husband had a great time, 1st time in ages they got to sleep in etc. Venue was not child appropriate at all, plus we just didnt want them there. We were last of both families and friends to get married, we have been to about 50 weddings before that ( live in ireland, big families etc ) and i can count on one hand the number of weddings been to that have had children at them. Last one we wnet to had nieces and newphews at them and one of their mothers said never again, she didnt get to have a moments peace with them .

switswoo81 · 23/08/2023 15:53

Fair enough no one has to but to clarify I would also have hated children at my wedding!

felisha54 · 23/08/2023 15:57

If it was a friends wedding then no I wouldn't want my dc there. If it was a family wedding I might want them, and might not have a babysitter.

KVick · 23/08/2023 16:04

Weddings are tedious affairs! I think if you actually asked children if they'd rather wear uncomfortable clothing (especially the poor girls!), sit for extended periods of time watching the adults get drunk OR stay home with a sitter and watch cartoons, play video games, eat pizza??? Which do you think they'd vote for?

Parents who torture their children by dragging them to spaces like wedding ceremonies and fancy restaurants need to try to remember what it was like to be a child.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 16:09

KVick · 23/08/2023 16:04

Weddings are tedious affairs! I think if you actually asked children if they'd rather wear uncomfortable clothing (especially the poor girls!), sit for extended periods of time watching the adults get drunk OR stay home with a sitter and watch cartoons, play video games, eat pizza??? Which do you think they'd vote for?

Parents who torture their children by dragging them to spaces like wedding ceremonies and fancy restaurants need to try to remember what it was like to be a child.

Tbf I see this a lot but find it odd too. I never found weddings boring as a child. It was a day out, getting to see people I didn't see often, wear something nice, eat nice food, go to a disco, play with other kids. I never really get when people talk about how boring weddings are for kids unless we're talking about weddings of people they don't know or with loads of really long speeches. All in all, they seem pretty fun for kids to me.

Not that that means I think people should have to invite them.

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 16:14

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 16:09

Tbf I see this a lot but find it odd too. I never found weddings boring as a child. It was a day out, getting to see people I didn't see often, wear something nice, eat nice food, go to a disco, play with other kids. I never really get when people talk about how boring weddings are for kids unless we're talking about weddings of people they don't know or with loads of really long speeches. All in all, they seem pretty fun for kids to me.

Not that that means I think people should have to invite them.

Show quote history

I agree, I didn't go to many weddings as a child but I remember them all fondly. An opportunity to dress up, play with cousins we didn't see often, see a bride, have fizzy drinks and fancy food, dance with Grandad....

HAF1119 · 23/08/2023 16:18

My preference as a guest would be 'your child/ren are welcome to come, or not, whichever your preference' and just check when they RSVP so you know for guest numbers.

For me if it's close family (e.g neice nephew etc) then it's nice for them to be there, otherwise it's a long day and not that amazing for the children!

KVick · 23/08/2023 16:34

I do understand your perspective.... and I remember as a kid enjoying (despite the humiliating dress and uncomfortable shoes they stuck me in!) smaller, family-oriented weddings, getting to see all the aunts, uncles, cousins, I rarely get to see, etc.

But - over the summers in my undergrad years - I cooked and tended bar for catering companies that hosted many weddings and corporate events, and I felt for the poor kids that were dragged to some of those weddings... weddings that if I wasn't being paid, I wouldn't want to be at either. The kids didn't care about the cuisine! they'd push one chicken finger around a plate and be done. They were in itchy, uncomfortable clothes, and bored out of their minds!
The kids that are not invited to a wedding are the lucky ones in that equation!!

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 16:39

KVick · 23/08/2023 16:34

I do understand your perspective.... and I remember as a kid enjoying (despite the humiliating dress and uncomfortable shoes they stuck me in!) smaller, family-oriented weddings, getting to see all the aunts, uncles, cousins, I rarely get to see, etc.

But - over the summers in my undergrad years - I cooked and tended bar for catering companies that hosted many weddings and corporate events, and I felt for the poor kids that were dragged to some of those weddings... weddings that if I wasn't being paid, I wouldn't want to be at either. The kids didn't care about the cuisine! they'd push one chicken finger around a plate and be done. They were in itchy, uncomfortable clothes, and bored out of their minds!
The kids that are not invited to a wedding are the lucky ones in that equation!!

Was there not still a party, though? I wasn't bothered about the uncomfortable outfits (I was excited to wear them) and I wasn't a picky eater so I liked the meal out/buffet.

I do get that some kids might be bothered by those two things but broadly, it does strike me as an event that's pretty fun.

Brightredtulips · 23/08/2023 20:39

The only problem is that the guests with children will leave the party early.

Noodge · 23/08/2023 20:40

I hated weddings as a child, was so bored, wasn't the kind of child that liked playing with other children, was uncomfortable and on one memorable occasion forced to carry a basket that was so so heavy for 7 year old me..I remember crying and crying for hours later but then and now i wasn't sure why, I think I just got so bored and overwhelmed with how long the day was.

It depends on the wedding maybe and on the child..I think pps have it right OP. Find a way to word on the invitations that you want to keep it child-free BUT if they feel they absolutely can't come due to childcare issues, you'd rather have them and their children than they didn't come(IF that's true of course, and obviously word it a bit more elequently)!

founddory · 23/08/2023 21:24

@Doggydarling I don't understand this at all. Surely even if you had allowed people to make the choice this couple could still have done all of the below. Are you sure you didn't just "read in" the bit of the message that said thank you for giving us permission to book a babysitter for our kids!??!!

We had a thank you note from one couple for the child free day, they had young children and appreciated the break, made the most of it by staying in the hotel and booking massages etc for the following morning

TizerorFizz · 24/08/2023 08:59

Guests with children don’t leave early! The children hang on to the bitter end. Tired snd weepy.

We have hardly any relatives. Most are distant and not known by my DC. I have been to one family wedding. As a child in the 60s. So my DDs might invite their cousins but I wouldn’t think they would bother to come. They have seen one of their aunts around 10 times - the other one is unlikely to bother to come even if invited. So my DDs will have to think about their boyfriends’ families (one set loves a big party) when the time comes. Other DD has so many friends, she could fill a cathedral. Both scenarios will provide a lively party.

You don’t have to have a big family gathering with Dc but it’s clearly what some people love and always do it. My family don’t.