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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding one, kids or no kids at the wedding?

144 replies

CornishBarbie · 23/08/2023 10:33

Please be honest with me. As parents would you want your kids at a wedding? A majority of these kids are not kids I'm close to btw, just literally children of adult guests. I'm so torn whilst planning about whether it's something they should or shouldn't be invited to. One friend says it's a night off for her and dh to be child free and enjoy a wedding, there's always childcare or the option of not coming for those who are in this predicament. The other has said she would match her kids outfits with hers and it would be a lovely family affair. I really have no idea what is truly suitable and would be mortified if I said no kids and it offended people - I do get that it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want really but these are people I have invited because I really love them and their happiness on the day matters to me too. My original thoughts was no kids, mainly as I remember going to a wedding as a 7 ish year old with a sickness bug and it was a horribly long day, I certainly didn't know it was a wedding in the way and adult would appreciate it and it probably ruined in for my mum too. I have always just assumed weddings to be an adult event.

Tweaked the voting so I can see what all your responses reflect-

Yabu = no kids, parents can go a day or a day and night without them and wouldn't think badly of you for it.

Yanbu = have kids, the majority are well behaved and it's just easier when lots of people have them.

OP posts:
Moonwatcher1234 · 23/08/2023 12:13

Definitely with kids - weddings are generally joyous family and friends occasions and children are absolutely part of that. I find child free weddings quite soulless and pretentious.

thesurrealist · 23/08/2023 12:24

Whatever anyone on here says, the only two people who are entitled to make a decision about how you want your wedding to be, and who you want to invite, is you and your fiance.

Some people like the whole kids on the dancefloor chaos.
Some people like a more adult vibe.

What is wrong is for one group of people to demand that their way is the only way to have a wedding and bitch about those weddings that are different. I have mostly seen this from the "all the children invited and child free weddings are soulless" contingent.

My personal preference is for totally childfree - though the 17 year old being excluded is just daft as at that age they are pactically adult. But that's because I don't have children (though yes, I get the whole childcare thing because oddly enough I'm a grown adult who is able to understand other people's circumstances are different to my own). I don't enjoy the company of children and avoid being around them wherever possible.

My brother and his wife have lots of children. Enjoy weddings with masses of them invited and love nothing more than getting down on the floor and playing with them...my brother is a bit of a magnet for young children.

So the bottom line is...do what you want to do and don't take notice of the 100 odd people on MN, none of whom will probably even know you.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 12:27

What is wrong is for one group of people to demand that their way is the only way to have a wedding and bitch about those weddings that are different. I have mostly seen this from the "all the children invited and child free weddings are soulless" contingent.

Totally agree with this.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 23/08/2023 12:48

We only had our own and DNs and that was enough! Wrestling them away when they get overtired, guests leaving early to put them to bed. I think parents would feel obliged to bring them if they're invited, but I suspect the majority would have a better time without them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lollypop701 · 23/08/2023 13:07

Invite just the adults but put a note in saying to let you know if they don’t have childcare as you very much want them to be part of your wedding?

I invited kids to mine Tbh and haven’t had a bad experience with kids at a wedding, but people are right when a child is badly parented it can ruin a wedding. So basically have you spent enough time with the kids to know how’s it’s going to role? as in parent will take them out for noise/ not get chatting/drinking and expect other people to think it’s cute that no one is dancing because kids are running around uncontrolled on dance floor

elliejjtiny · 23/08/2023 13:08

It's your wedding and your choice. If anyone invited me to a child free wedding then I would have to politely decline but I wouldn't be offended or upset that they didn't invite my children.

Although I would have to add that I know some people have said that they have chosen to have a child free wedding "to give the parents a night off". Personally I find that quite annoying because they haven't given me a night off at all. If you invite children then the parents who have childcare options can choose to bring them or not.

TheInseparables · 23/08/2023 13:12

At my advanced age (mid 40s) I prefer a wedding with children, probably because I'm far away enough from the baby days that having lots of little kids around is a treat. I also find that weddings with children tend to involve fewer people getting too pissed (might just be my friends, that one).

Happy either way though- the important thing is to be clear and not take offence that saying no to kids might means some people can't come.

Sugarfree23 · 23/08/2023 13:19

@thesurrealist
Regarding 17 yo.

Where do you draw the line, do you expect an invite at 18, 21 for them? In my mind you can't invite an adult without a plus 1.
Also if your old enough to have friends or cousins with 17 yo kids you probably have loads of cousins & friends with 2 or 3 kids each that's a lot of extra people.
We drew the line at friends kids because it was just to difficult.

Fifthtimelucky · 23/08/2023 13:27

My children are now adults so would be invited or not in their own right and I would not have an issue either way.

When they were younger, it would have depended whose wedding it was. For a family wedding, I would have been disappointed if they hadn't been invited because weddings are great opportunities to see aunts/uncles/cousins etc that you don't normally see.

For a friend's wedding, it would depend on the closeness of the friend. A close friend would have known my children and I'd have hoped they would be invited. For a more casual acquaintance that wouldn't be the case, but in then I wouldn't expect to be invited either!

It was never an issue for me as I wasn't invited to any friends' weddings when my children were young. I was quite late having children so by the time they were born most of my friends were either already married or not in relationships.

My children went to quite a few family weddings though. They always enjoyed themselves as it was a chance to meet up with their cousins.

I have never felt the need to be child-free. But then I don't drink, which probably makes a difference. Lots of people seem to want to "let their hair down" which I usually assume means get drunk!

For what it's worth, I invited children to my wedding and had 10, ranging from a baby to a 10 year old. Only one friend had children at the time. The other children were all family. All 10 behaved perfectly well.

I'd say the best option is to invite them and leave it up to the parents to decide.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 13:28

Sugarfree23 · 23/08/2023 13:19

@thesurrealist
Regarding 17 yo.

Where do you draw the line, do you expect an invite at 18, 21 for them? In my mind you can't invite an adult without a plus 1.
Also if your old enough to have friends or cousins with 17 yo kids you probably have loads of cousins & friends with 2 or 3 kids each that's a lot of extra people.
We drew the line at friends kids because it was just to difficult.

I don't disagree with you about friends kids but also I don't think you have to give all adults a plus one - especially one's that are being invited as part of a family so wouldn't be alone.

Bestivalfun · 23/08/2023 13:29

It is totally up to you, but you need to graciously accept anyone declining if you decide child free, be it bridesmaid, sibling ect. I have very little childcare outside of school hours so even with a 6 year old I would probably decline if it required travelling and time off work.

Fishandchipsatthebeach · 23/08/2023 13:31

Fine to say no kids as long as you are fine & don’t get upset if people with kids decline the invite

CanINapNow · 23/08/2023 13:41

We included all kids on invites then I texted the parents to say ‘please feel no pressure either way with bringing kids, if you fancy a night off then that’s lovely but we’d love to have them there if you’d like to bring them. Just let me know when you RSVP’. Some ended up bringing kids and some left them at home with babysitter and had a night to themselves. We had activities etc for kids that did come. Happy days! Different situations for all parents so nice to give them the option. Obviously they can’t change their minds last min though!!

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 23/08/2023 13:42

Its up to you, I have to decline invites for adults only as we have no childcare. As long as you don't get shitty (has happened to me before!) with people if they decline.

burnoutbabe · 23/08/2023 13:45

I think with friends kids it's fine to say no kids.

If someone has 4 kids then that's 6 places taken up /paid for which may mean leaving out 2 other couples you are close to.

Family kids (definitely nephews and nieces) should be invited really. But not less close family if too many.

Capitulatingpanda · 23/08/2023 14:15

I didn't have kids at time but had a kids welcome wedding. I do come from a culture where you'd likely never consider a child free wedding. I remember weddings being so much fun as a kid because there were always so many other kids running around having fun so I wanted my wedding to be kid friendly and joyful too.

Capitulatingpanda · 23/08/2023 14:16

I don't know if I'd go to a child free wedding but then I don't think I know anyone that would exclude kids.

mondaytosunday · 23/08/2023 14:25

I had no kids. It was a formal black tie event starting mid afternoon. Most people didn't have young children so it wasn't too big a deal except for one person, who had more of an issue that I didn't ask her children to be bridesmaids (a relative, but who lived in another country and I'd met her kids twice). I also had limited room, and if I included children, none of whom I knew well and some not at all, that's 20 friends and family that would have been knocked out.
I think it's only fair to have a blanket policy though, don't make exceptions for a best mate. Possibly allow babies under six months though, snd anticipate that they may well will leave before evening activities.

Percypiglover · 23/08/2023 15:14

So I had a child free wedding when I had a child. We did have a few exceptions though my bridesmaids children were invited and we had a friend who's ex decided last minute she wouldn't swap with him and so we opened the invite to those ( in the end ours was the only child). I don't regret it, we had no close family children though and most of our friends were happy to come without children. I think you just need to try and be a bit flexible for those that may have babies otherwise don't over think it. I have taken children to a wedding it's not fun

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:15

The mere threat of coordinated outfits would have me on the child-free side so fast.

OP do what you want. I would advise, in general terms, to stop worrying about pleasing other people so much.

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:20

People always have the option to leave their kids at home - if adults want a "night off" they can make that decision by just arranging childcare and not bringing them. You don't need to make it a child-free wedding.

To me, weddings are a family event and we couldn't imagine having our wedding without children there. Everyone's kids were invited and it was fantastic. You just have to make sure to cater for them and put some activities on so they feel welcome and included.

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 15:23

For me the whole reason for a wedding is two families celebrating together. Otherwise just get married. I don't really see the point of a wedding without the kids.

Perhaps not friends' children if numbers are a challenge, but definitely all the family kids.

I love seeing the children on a dance floor 😆

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2023 15:26

hylian · 23/08/2023 15:20

People always have the option to leave their kids at home - if adults want a "night off" they can make that decision by just arranging childcare and not bringing them. You don't need to make it a child-free wedding.

To me, weddings are a family event and we couldn't imagine having our wedding without children there. Everyone's kids were invited and it was fantastic. You just have to make sure to cater for them and put some activities on so they feel welcome and included.

That’s one of the reasons why I had a child free wedding. Very quickly, especially with several children it becomes more of a kid type party/disco with kid activities and the such like.

I didn’t want my wedding to be like that.

WeWereInParis · 23/08/2023 15:26

I do get that it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want really but these are people I have invited because I really love them and their happiness on the day matters to me too.

If that's the case then invite the children and let the parents leave them at home if they want to?

I'd leave mine!

HamishTheCamel · 23/08/2023 15:27

I prefer my kids to be invited given the choice, but I'm not offended if they're not. It's your wedding OP!

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