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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding one, kids or no kids at the wedding?

144 replies

CornishBarbie · 23/08/2023 10:33

Please be honest with me. As parents would you want your kids at a wedding? A majority of these kids are not kids I'm close to btw, just literally children of adult guests. I'm so torn whilst planning about whether it's something they should or shouldn't be invited to. One friend says it's a night off for her and dh to be child free and enjoy a wedding, there's always childcare or the option of not coming for those who are in this predicament. The other has said she would match her kids outfits with hers and it would be a lovely family affair. I really have no idea what is truly suitable and would be mortified if I said no kids and it offended people - I do get that it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want really but these are people I have invited because I really love them and their happiness on the day matters to me too. My original thoughts was no kids, mainly as I remember going to a wedding as a 7 ish year old with a sickness bug and it was a horribly long day, I certainly didn't know it was a wedding in the way and adult would appreciate it and it probably ruined in for my mum too. I have always just assumed weddings to be an adult event.

Tweaked the voting so I can see what all your responses reflect-

Yabu = no kids, parents can go a day or a day and night without them and wouldn't think badly of you for it.

Yanbu = have kids, the majority are well behaved and it's just easier when lots of people have them.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 23/08/2023 10:56

I would invite family only kids eg nieces and nephews .
i would invite my best friends children too but that’s it.

Hobbitfeet32 · 23/08/2023 10:59

weddings for me are about families coming together so I think children should be invited. Then parents can choose to bring them or now. All the adult only weddings I have been to have been dull compared to those with children where it was much more fun.

Luxembourgmama · 23/08/2023 10:59

No way (my kids are 3 and 7 and well behaved but it would be boring for them)

ticketstickets · 23/08/2023 11:00

I would invite kids, make it clear (perhaps verbally) that if parents prefer to come alone that is also fine.

I would definitely provide some type of entertainment. Coloring tables, easy crafts, a magician of some sort in a seperate area or room if you can manage that.

And see if the venue can do kid friendly meals.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2023 11:01

Personally, if it's someone the kids know and are close to then it would be nice to take them, but otherwise I would definitely prefer the night off.

If you're worried about offending people though the safest thing is to invite the kids and they can choose to not bring them if they don't want to. But equally if you'd prefer kids aren't there, then you don't have to, as long as you aren't offended if they can't make it as a result.

Nuca · 23/08/2023 11:01

Summerscoming23 · 23/08/2023 10:44

If the couple getting married have kids I think kids should be invited...also nieces and nephews should make the cut regardless

Edited

This is way off topic hah but how have you managed to edit your post!? Is that a new thing now?

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/08/2023 11:01

I had a child free wedding and have no regrets. I didn’t want children taking over the dance floor or talking over speeches.

Children at a wedding also change the vibe, I wanted my wedding to be an adult event.

Peony654 · 23/08/2023 11:02

Abs8 · 23/08/2023 10:49

How about giving them a choice to bring their kids, but making it clear that it would be a wedding tailored to adults and that it would be preferred if children can stay at home, unless they really needed to be there? I revived an invite once which said, in some fancy way, that if parents need to bring their children then that's fine (eg childcare issues, breastfed babies) but they would love guests to be able to let their hair down without children there and if every guest brought their child there wouldn't be enough room. (It was obviously worded much more succinct than this, but you get the gist!)

This is what we did. Our wedding was in a city centre (town hall, then hotel reception) with no outdoor space, so I told guests with children about this, and that it was going to be a sit down meal etc. Most chose to come without their kids, so we ended up with a few family children and a few babies under 1. Worked well, as we let the parents decide themselves.

WeetabixTowels · 23/08/2023 11:03

Nuca · 23/08/2023 11:01

This is way off topic hah but how have you managed to edit your post!? Is that a new thing now?

Show quote history

I’ve noticed this!! Posting to test

TropicalTrama · 23/08/2023 11:04

Your wedding your choice. A handful of well behaved nieces/nephews are fine (we had 5 kids at ours). Overall though I think it’s better without them. I’ve been to some weddings that have so many it’s like a kid’s birthday party and the reception was dead by 10pm as most had gone off to do bedtime. However, if you go child free then not everyone has overnight sitters on tap so keep in mind that some guests might not be able to make. I personally think the best compromise is immediate family’s kids only plus very small babies as they don’t require a meal/seat and can’t be apart from mum if breastfeeding.

ticketstickets · 23/08/2023 11:05

Everyone is different though. I would rather have my close friends plus thier kids then they stay home.

Not sure how eliminating kids from a wedding enhances it, but everyone is different.

CurlewKate · 23/08/2023 11:05

I think weddings are family affairs a and should include children.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/08/2023 11:08

Few children enjoy weddings - all the “provide entertainment and crayons for them” advice demonstrates that. Why would you make your wedding day plans around people who don’t want to be there just because some of their parents think they ought to be?

I don’t gatecrash children’s birthday parties or pout because I didn’t get an invitation and think I ought to have been included because I’m lots of fun, so I always find it curious when parents get all up their own bottoms about their children not being invited to adult events.

Duidi123 · 23/08/2023 11:08

Ours was child free bar my DH niece who was 3 and a half and a flower girl. She was looked after by much older nieces and nephew who are 14+ and who I don’t count as children as such. We had a few who couldn’t come due to childcare issues, I was neither offended or were they as far as I know.
If we had invited all the children there would have been 20+ children and that quite frankly is my idea of hell at a wedding, all that sliding over the dance floor and screaming, not for me thanks!!

Velvian · 23/08/2023 11:18

The UK is so awful to children, I swear dogs are treated with more respect. They are humans and a whole demographic you know.😅

Invite children, far better to have several children to have fun together than 1 or 2 that are bored and annoying.

I agree with PPs that some parents may prefer to come along without their children, but only they will know if it is possible.

Ellie1015 · 23/08/2023 11:18

Kids always get invited to family weddings in my family, it is lovely for the wider family to see each other and only about 10 children in total.

My children are not usually invited to friends weddings.

Go with your preference on the invite and follow up with a message to do the opposite if needed eg "not inviting children to the wedding but if you cant find childcare let us know" or "children invited but if you would rather have a night off don't feel you have to bring them, do what suits you best"

WeetabixTowels · 23/08/2023 11:20

The thing is, if you have a potential of 30 kids at your wedding that’s gonna cost a fortune, so I think it’s unfair to say it’s mean not to invite kids

Butritobaby · 23/08/2023 11:23

Why does it matter what parents want? If they want to leave the kids home they will.

not inviting children isn’t doing them a favour

I personally had no kids as I didn’t want my cousins brats ruining my day (3 cousins, have 10 boys between them, all under 10 and they’re twats)

cocksstrideintheevening · 23/08/2023 11:23

We had close family children (nieces and nephews) and babes in arms only. It was an issue of space at the venue. if we invited all the kids it would have put our numbers up by over 20.

Butritobaby · 23/08/2023 11:23

Velvian · 23/08/2023 11:18

The UK is so awful to children, I swear dogs are treated with more respect. They are humans and a whole demographic you know.😅

Invite children, far better to have several children to have fun together than 1 or 2 that are bored and annoying.

I agree with PPs that some parents may prefer to come along without their children, but only they will know if it is possible.

How many dogs do you see invited to weddings

enchantedsquirrelwood · 23/08/2023 11:24

When I got married I didn't want kids there but DH had quite a few nieces and nephews so they had to be invited. It was ok in the end, they weren't a nuisance.

It's more difficult with non-family kids. But you can always allow family kids and not kids of friends. Friends either get babysitters or don't come.

My DD was not in invited to a “child free” wedding a few weeks ago, she’s 17 .. thought that was a bit odd - not like she would be doing knee slides across the dance floor same here with DS - two family weddings that were "adults-only" - at the first he was 16 and the other 17 and wasn't invited. We thought it weird too but they were both on DH's side of the family so he didn't say anything. If it had been my side of the family I would have said something.

When I think of "banning" kids from weddings I think of the under 7s/infant school age. Older kids can behave, definitely teens!

Original poster
CornishBarbie · 23/08/2023 11:25

Wow thank you so much for all your detailed responses. I'm going to read through now now try to decide by the end of today.

OP posts:
Velvian · 23/08/2023 11:25

LOL, I thought that might come up. 🤣

Although, quite a few on my FB feed, since you ask (I'm on groups for my dog breed).

Velvian · 23/08/2023 11:26

Sorry that was to @Butritobaby

SunnyFrost · 23/08/2023 11:27

Totally up to you. But if you go with no kids, please just say it’s down to space or
don’t bother with a reason. Don’t do that twee thing of saying something about ‘we decided it would be lovely for you to have a night off from your children!’ Oh thanks so much bride and groom! I’ve been desperate to have a night off so now that you’ve given me permission I’ll take up the viable childcare option I had but wasn’t already using!! I thought I HAD to bring my kids!

Just be honest that it’s your choice for your reasons, don’t dress it up as a favour for the parents - either they already had a childcare option and are perfectly capable of deciding for themselves if they want a night off, or they don’t have childcare so it’s not a favour for them - it’s either a massive headache or means they can’t come.

Im all in favour of childfree weddings but as you can probably tell, the above drives me nuts!