It's a wedding one, kids or no kids at the wedding?

[CornishBarbie]

Please be honest with me. As parents would you want your kids at a wedding? A majority of these kids are not kids I'm close to btw, just literally children of adult guests. I'm so torn whilst planning about whether it's something they should or shouldn't be invited to. One friend says it's a night off for her and dh to be child free and enjoy a wedding, there's always childcare or the option of not coming for those who are in this predicament. The other has said she would match her kids outfits with hers and it would be a lovely family affair. I really have no idea what is truly suitable and would be mortified if I said no kids and it offended people - I do get that it's my wedding and I can do whatever I want really but these are people I have invited because I really love them and their happiness on the day matters to me too. My original thoughts was no kids, mainly as I remember going to a wedding as a 7 ish year old with a sickness bug and it was a horribly long day, I certainly didn't know it was a wedding in the way and adult would appreciate it and it probably ruined in for my mum too. I have always just assumed weddings to be an adult event.

Tweaked the voting so I can see what all your responses reflect-

Yabu = no kids, parents can go a day or a day and night without them and wouldn't think badly of you for it.

Yanbu = have kids, the majority are well behaved and it's just easier when lots of people have them.

It isn’t awful not to be invited somewhere, especially somewhere where children often find to be long and boring.

Children aren’t any more entitled to an invitation than adults.

There have definitely been a couple of threads recently where people had tried to bring theirs to weddings. “They’re part of the family”, “they’re my fur babies just like your babies are your babies”, “I’ve got nobody to look after them all day”, “they love people and they’re so much fun to watch playing and having a good time”, “I love dogs more than most people.”

Just give it a couple of years and dogfree wedding threads will be the new childfree ones.

My cousins kid sang at the top of her voice through my ceremony and fucking ruined it. My cousin and his wife thought it was adorable but I found it rude and irritating and no one could hear our vows.

Kids are great and cute and fun when they behave but once the parents have had a drink and don't give a shit and the kids are running around knocking into people and screaming, it's less fun.

Always plan for the worst case would be my approach

We just had our wedding and didn't exclude kids (we didn't invite them either, just let parents choose). We had a separate room and loads of activities for them (outdoor and indoor), and 2 baby sitters for the day. It worked very well and we were very happy to have them around.

The only issue was with toddlers so if possible i would discourage guests taking 1-3 year olds.
We could see the parents coming in and out during the ceremony and the dinner, some had to put their kids to bed when we took the photos, others were trying to get them to sleep in their pushchair during dinner.... It kind of ruined it for the parents and I don't think the kids were particularly happy either.

I prefer childfree weddings.

Oh my god, I can't believe they didn't take her out!

Babes in arms always.
Close family members’ kids always (including step children).
Friends, I think it’s nice if you can give the option in most cases- the night off for the parents point is a bit of a red herring, you can always make it clear that they don’t HAVE to bring them.

I much prefer a child-free wedding, children get bored quickly and it changes the focus. The two weddings we were asked to bring the kids too, neither I or they enjoyed it.

but, it’s your wedding, your choice.

I had 10+ children at my wedding ranging from babies to 12. I didn't even consider not having them. I don't remember any disruption during the ceremony or anything. I made up activity packs for them so they wouldn't get bored at the wedding breakfast and reception.

I didn't go to many weddings as a child but I do remember going to 1. I don't remember feeling bored or like I wish I wasn't there.

We were invited to childfree wedding when i was breastfeeding. We had to turn down the invite as my baby had never been left. He was a few months old and refused bottles completely. I couldn't leave him.

Even at childfree weddings it is considered courtesy to still allow babes in arms that are breastfeeding.

@SouthLondonMum22 , you don't think it's wrong to exclude a particular demographic? Kids love a disco more than anyone.

I’m getting married next year and we’ve done family and wedding party children are invited others are not. We would love to invite them all but it was around 50 children. We also know most of our family will not bring their children. Is it going to be controversial? Possibly. But it was the only solution we could come up with.

Not at all. Children aren’t entitled to be invited everywhere.

I didn’t want my wedding to be a children's disco and I think that’s perfectly reasonable.

We are having children at our wedding, all of our friends and siblings have children so it would be very difficult for most of our guests if we said no kids.

I don’t know how British culture expects children to learn how to behave and interact at events such as wedding without giving them a chance to actually go.
Kids love all the dancing and partying and chatting to everyone, well mine do!
child free weddings are so boring

I haven't voted as think it depends on the circumstances:

Are the people with kids family friends? Do you know / like their kids? Would their kids be upset not to be invited?

If there are a lot of blended families, would step kids expect an invite?

Are extended families of families with kids invited (eg their parents, siblings etc)? This might make childcare harder

Where is the wedding in relation to the friends with kids? If it's close enough for a taxi ride back, that's a lot easier to get someone to babysit than it is to arrange overnight care for example

If old enough to play with each other sure fine

Yes, I would because I wouldn't be able to attend otherwise. We don't have family help and can't arrange overnight childcare with anyone. We might, if massively lucky, be able to time a sleepover for eldest with a friend, but not for youngest who is too little for sleepovers. But it's a bit cheeky to pawn your kids off on a sleepover for a night out (what happens if there is an emergency and you are 200 miles away at a wedding?!).

I can see that certainly people who have childcare options for such things might wish to take advantage of that - and probably I would do, if it was an option. But it's not. So I'd like to attend weddings of family and friends, but in order for me to do so, I can't leave my kids at home unattended, so I have to bring them with me.

Ultimately, it's up to the bride and groom how they want their wedding to be, but I'd hope they'd want everyone to be able to attend. And the best weddings I've been to have always been big family affairs with lots of things for every generation and fun for everyone. The saddest wedding I went to was a 'child-free' one where the children were technically there, but the nannies (everyone's nanny but ours as we don't have a nanny!) took them all away to eat in a separate room and be minded trapped in one room of this amazing country manor, while all the parents played lawn games and danced and had fun, and the poor kids were just left sort of sadly gazing out the window of the 'nursery room' they got shut in for the rest of the day. 😕

Depends on what you want really and don't worry about offending others, just be prepared that some people might decline.

We were invited to a wedding when DS was 16 months old. Initially told (verbally) it was a child friendly wedding when he was a few months old, then when invites came out it turned out it was only babes in arms. They didn't want kids running around, fair enough. But the wedding was 3-4 hours away by train and we'd have to stay overnight the night before and night of the wedding. We'd never left him before for more than a few hours, and didn't feel like we wanted to do so for this. Not to mention cost of hotels, train etc. so we declined. Bride clearly didn't like it because she hasn't spoken to me since 😂

Oh and also, if you do decide to go child free please don't add one of those cheesy lines that people obviously google to put on their wedding invites. 'It's a chance to let your hair down' 'get the grandparents involved' etc etc. It felt so forced and honestly just annoying. Just be upfront, you prefer if it's child free and understand if this won't work for some people

We only had nieces / nephews as otherwise we would have had around 25 young children (and 100 adults) at a winter / elegant style wedding with lots of candles etc. But we also knew that the majority of our guests with young children still go to the odd party / festival and arrange for childcare. I think it would have been different if we had a summer wedding and only a handful of young children.

I dont understand child free weddings personally. For me it's a celebration to include all ages. If guests want to come without the kids that's fine but if you say no kids you're excluding single parents, those who don't have readily available childcare, those who want to spend the time with their etc.

Had a child free wedding and have declined every invite for my young kids to go to friends weddings. The only wedding I would take them to is their aunts/uncles and I’d have them picked up before dinner. I want to relax and enjoy myself and look nice not covered in yoghurt and being whined to! If we can’t make childcare work then only one parent attends. The exception for me is babies in arms.

Haha love that it's currently 50 50 sums up mumsnet view on this quite clearly 😄

I won't be inviting kids other then our own and nieces and nephews. But it's personal choice. I will say young babies in arms are the exception. Wedding is end of next year so don't know if that scenario will arise yet.

If you want a child free wedding then its your choice. And it's OK to invite some children and not others.

Close family children, siblings, nieces / nephews, and your own first cousins I'd invite (assuming you only have a few first cousins and are inviting aunties etc).

Cousins kids and friends kids depends on numbers and ages.
Lots of tiny babies your wedding becomes a crèche, lots of teens glued to phones is equally unappealing, and pricy they'll need adult meals.
I've never figured out what you are meant to do with friends kids who are older teens you can't invite a 15 yo and not invite 18 yo sibling. 18yo do they need a plus 1 - ditch them both avoid the argument.

MN always seems to focus on younger children, babies and preschoolers but older kids can cause different issues.

We were young when we got married so none of our friends had children etc. Our siblings didn't have children either so no nieces or nephews.
The youngest there was my x2 cousins who were 11 and 13. 9 years on....if I was to get married now... I would still only have our daughter, niece and nephew. We have a couple of cousins each so their children would be invited also.
I'm not friends with my friends children... we like our adult time mostly. They wouldn't be invited.
I'm going to my friends wedding next year and didn't expect an invite for our daughter as it's an adult friendship.

We went no kids and I would do it again. My friends are brilliant at inviting my son to events and think I'm odd for wanting a break (they don't have kids). Reality of my life at least is though I have very little childcare options so after paying for my working hours it leaves little for days of adult fun and i miss it desperately.

My boy is two so even with activities and toys there he would want me to sit and play with me or his dad so it certainly wouldn't end up being a day I could completely switch off and enjoy. He is also a typical unpredictable toddler who may cry, tantrum or want a run at an inappropriate time obviously I would leave the room if that was to happen but I imagine it would still cause a bit of disruption.

Opposite to that he's my son and he comes first, I'm leaving him overnight for the first time in a few weeks and I'm worried sick it certainly wouldn't of been something I'd of done if he was younger regardless of childcare. I'd go no kids personally but just have the expectation that some may decline.