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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren treating my house as a hotel and upsetting their father.

113 replies

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 16:28

Hi I have been lurking for ages but never posted so be gentle.

My DH and I have been together for 30 years and moved out of the UK about 10 years ago. We live in a modest house but because it is a warm country, we built a swimming pool (not a stealth boast but relevant). I have two stepchildren in their 40’s who are married with children and I view their children as my grandchildren. My SC have lived with us over various periods of their life and I do love them but have recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this. This is totally untrue and now feel that this is impacting my view of their behaviour.

For the past 3 years one of my SS has visited us with his DW and 3 DC and stayed for 3 weeks. In all that time they have cooked a meal 3 times and took us for dinner once to belatedly celebrate their fathers milestone birthday. This summer my SD decided to visit for a week and this visit coincided with her brother’s holiday. She is married with 2 DC – so there are 11 people living in my small house. I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help. The grandchildren always load the dishwasher but that is all. I feel really uncomfortable around them it is as if I am intruding and I know my DH is really upset as he feels they have not come to visit him but to have a free holiday with their sibling.

At the beginning of the week end we planned a family day out to the beach but last night my husband decided he did not want to go as he would have to stay in the shade and would not be able to swim – he has just had an operation to remove some skin cancer but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject. Fast forward to this morning and it was made clear by their actions - asking everyone but me at breakfast what they wanted in their sandwiches so I stayed at home.

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

Or as I have bitten my tongue for 3 weeks and they only have 1 night left just let it go and next year tell them we already have guests for the weeks they like to visit.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/08/2023 16:32

I would be sitting them down tonight, getting their DF to ask your SS why he thinks you broke up his parent’s marriage, and tell them that from now on, they are still more than welcome to visit but they need to pull their weight.
I would also make sure I didn't get treated like the in-house cook, cleaner and bottle washer!

Oldraver · 22/08/2023 16:33

Tell their behaviour is bang out of order, dont keep quiet

Maybe tell them a few home truths, their behaviour is appalling

WoooahNelly · 22/08/2023 16:37

I think I would try and bite my tongue for now and then negotiate terms the next time they come, such as 'i found it difficult catering for everyone for such a long period of time, maybe just a week next time unless I can create a rota of who is doing what to help out' type of thing

Motomum23 · 22/08/2023 16:44

I'd say it's up to DF to have this conversation not you. He should be telling them if they want to visit they need to pull their weight. And he needs to explain to SS that you were not a factor in his marriage to their mother failing.

Itsvalentino · 22/08/2023 16:46

I think their father should put them straight on the break up of his marriage, and also their behaviour towards your house/you.

Teapleasebobb · 22/08/2023 16:51

Itsvalentino · 22/08/2023 16:46

I think their father should put them straight on the break up of his marriage, and also their behaviour towards your house/you.

This.
I think it's for your dh to deal with as they're his children. I think of you try and have the talk then you'll be the bad guy.

FictionalCharacter · 22/08/2023 16:51

Good grief, don't let them treat you like a servant in your own home! And they're making you feel like you are intruding?!

Why is your husband just feeling upset and not reading them the riot act?

Absolutely do not do their cooking and cleaning. They behave like courteous guests or they stay in a hotel. And leaving you out of a day out is disgraceful.

BeckyBlue · 22/08/2023 16:53

What has your husband said to you, or to them, about them excluding you from the beach day?

Flossflower · 22/08/2023 16:54

Your home is not an hotel. They need to do more. Just don’t do stuff for them. Your husband needs to be asked why you were excluded. Don’t have the son and daughter at the same time. It must be far too many people.

Makemineacosmo · 22/08/2023 16:58

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 16:28

Hi I have been lurking for ages but never posted so be gentle.

My DH and I have been together for 30 years and moved out of the UK about 10 years ago. We live in a modest house but because it is a warm country, we built a swimming pool (not a stealth boast but relevant). I have two stepchildren in their 40’s who are married with children and I view their children as my grandchildren. My SC have lived with us over various periods of their life and I do love them but have recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this. This is totally untrue and now feel that this is impacting my view of their behaviour.

For the past 3 years one of my SS has visited us with his DW and 3 DC and stayed for 3 weeks. In all that time they have cooked a meal 3 times and took us for dinner once to belatedly celebrate their fathers milestone birthday. This summer my SD decided to visit for a week and this visit coincided with her brother’s holiday. She is married with 2 DC – so there are 11 people living in my small house. I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help. The grandchildren always load the dishwasher but that is all. I feel really uncomfortable around them it is as if I am intruding and I know my DH is really upset as he feels they have not come to visit him but to have a free holiday with their sibling.

At the beginning of the week end we planned a family day out to the beach but last night my husband decided he did not want to go as he would have to stay in the shade and would not be able to swim – he has just had an operation to remove some skin cancer but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject. Fast forward to this morning and it was made clear by their actions - asking everyone but me at breakfast what they wanted in their sandwiches so I stayed at home.

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

Or as I have bitten my tongue for 3 weeks and they only have 1 night left just let it go and next year tell them we already have guests for the weeks they like to visit.

Sorry for the essay.

Their behaviour is really shit and both you and your husband need to present a united front with this and let them all know that you can see what's going on and it's hurtful and unacceptable. What a shit way to treat you.

Utereusbegone · 22/08/2023 17:04

Another one who thinks their father should address it with them, and point out how unbelievably rude they have been and how unacceptable it is.

I would either do it tonight or when they get home, but I certainly wouldn't be making up excuses in future. They should know why they aren't welcome so they can fix it

Jamtartforme · 22/08/2023 17:07

Itsvalentino · 22/08/2023 16:46

I think their father should put them straight on the break up of his marriage, and also their behaviour towards your house/you.

This. He needs to do it, and it needs to come from him, not ‘PrincessNannie feels..’

I would lay out what you’re happy to do - ie have them for a week twice a year or whatever - and stipulate what you will and will not be doing in that time. He then needs to jig them along when they stay, ask them to clean up after themselves and suggest they take you for dinner as a thank you.

ohcrums · 22/08/2023 17:08

Their dad needs to tell them

Konfetka · 22/08/2023 17:12

Don't have them as house guests! They can airbnb and visit you, at your convenience, in the daytime. Better still, arrange to meet up in public places.

TonTonMacoute · 22/08/2023 17:15

You and DH need to decide what, and how much, you will tolerate and then he must let his DCs (just them, no in laws) know exactly what the new rules are.

For example 3 weeks at a time is too long and they cannot all come at the same time.

Its no use fannying around, it has to be spelt out clearly. If they cut up rough then that's usually proof that they have been taking the piss.

Dont get bogged down in events from 30 years ago!

EvilElsa · 22/08/2023 17:22

That's unbelievably rude.
I wouldn't be accommodating them in my home anymore. I'd host them for the occasional dinner and meet up if they stayed nearby in a hotel, but fuck being treated like that in my own house. It's like you are OK to cook and clean and pay for their food for three weeks, but not a REAL part of the family. Basically, you are the unpaid housemaid. Bet they are packing up their sandwiches with food from your fridge as well!!!

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 22/08/2023 17:23

Your DH needs to speak to his children.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/08/2023 17:25

I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help

Is your dh also cooking and cleaning?

Bluetrews25 · 22/08/2023 17:28

Yeah, DH needs to do the talking.
And also say that if they are going to treat the place like a hotel and not pitch in with all the jobs, then they can expect to be charged hotel rates.

Therealjudgejudy · 22/08/2023 17:29

I would have to say something. Their behaviour is unacceptable.

Poppyblush · 22/08/2023 17:32

Bunch of cf!

EvilElsa · 22/08/2023 17:32

If they come in asking what's for tea later I'd tell them to poke it! They can do their own shopping and cooking. Bloody cheek.

Schmusimausi73 · 22/08/2023 17:33

I would check into a hotel and leave them to it.

Honeychickpea · 22/08/2023 17:34

The sandwich thing is so incredibly rude. Did your husband notice? If so I hope he will read them the riot act.

strawberry2017 · 22/08/2023 17:36

Simple,
Don't let them stay again.
Your DH should speak to them however if he won't then I think you deserve the right to defend yourself about untrue allegations.
They are his children but it's your home to so don't feel you have to be quiet. X

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