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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepchildren treating my house as a hotel and upsetting their father.

113 replies

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 16:28

Hi I have been lurking for ages but never posted so be gentle.

My DH and I have been together for 30 years and moved out of the UK about 10 years ago. We live in a modest house but because it is a warm country, we built a swimming pool (not a stealth boast but relevant). I have two stepchildren in their 40’s who are married with children and I view their children as my grandchildren. My SC have lived with us over various periods of their life and I do love them but have recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this. This is totally untrue and now feel that this is impacting my view of their behaviour.

For the past 3 years one of my SS has visited us with his DW and 3 DC and stayed for 3 weeks. In all that time they have cooked a meal 3 times and took us for dinner once to belatedly celebrate their fathers milestone birthday. This summer my SD decided to visit for a week and this visit coincided with her brother’s holiday. She is married with 2 DC – so there are 11 people living in my small house. I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help. The grandchildren always load the dishwasher but that is all. I feel really uncomfortable around them it is as if I am intruding and I know my DH is really upset as he feels they have not come to visit him but to have a free holiday with their sibling.

At the beginning of the week end we planned a family day out to the beach but last night my husband decided he did not want to go as he would have to stay in the shade and would not be able to swim – he has just had an operation to remove some skin cancer but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject. Fast forward to this morning and it was made clear by their actions - asking everyone but me at breakfast what they wanted in their sandwiches so I stayed at home.

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

Or as I have bitten my tongue for 3 weeks and they only have 1 night left just let it go and next year tell them we already have guests for the weeks they like to visit.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:

Eddielizzard · 22/08/2023 20:14

I wouldn't make a fuss on the last day. I also wouldn't make a fuss of them on the last day, I'd get pizzas or something low key and just back off. Not be available for the day. Let them deal with their kids on their own. I bet they'll leave a mess, but personally I'd be too hurt to put up with more of the same.

Once they've gone, I'd wait until the right moment to tell your DH what your SS thinks and how hurt and disrespected you feel. Then take it from there.

But without a serious attitude change, they would not be coming back. Disgusting behaviour frankly.

Cornishclio · 22/08/2023 20:14

I don't think they have treated you well but I would not have cooked or cleaned for them for three weeks. If it is a small house you should have said that is too many visitors for you to cope with especially when they are so rude.

IWillNoLie · 22/08/2023 20:15

Part of the problem is likely that the siblings came together. It is amazing how much adult children regress when with siblings and around their parents. Don’t let them come together again

Almahart · 22/08/2023 20:17

I think your first step is for your DH to say to them that three weeks is too long and from now on they can visit for a week each at a time. My parents live in a holiday area and have each of us separately with children over the summer for a max of four or five days. I appreciate that it's not as long a journey as going abroad, but they are in their seventies and that's enough.

AliceOlive · 22/08/2023 20:54

I would wait until they are gone. You and your husband do not need the upset of an argument right now. They are not going to just agree they've been rude and apologize. I would anticipate a huge scene.

I think next time they ask to stay the answer would be a list of hotels. "Overnight guests are too much for us, at our age." At most, I would let one family visit at a time, and for 3 days max.

Batalax · 22/08/2023 20:54

You do need to suck up visits for dh sake, but it can be for shorter periods, one family at a time and they can bloody pull their weight.

AliceOlive · 22/08/2023 20:54

How did you learn your step son believes you broke up their marriage. Pretty weird thing to get upset about 30 years in!

RhymesWithTangerine · 22/08/2023 20:59

IWillNoLie · 22/08/2023 20:15

Part of the problem is likely that the siblings came together. It is amazing how much adult children regress when with siblings and around their parents. Don’t let them come together again

This

Anyport · 22/08/2023 21:00

As has been said, sit down with DH and SS and put it all out so that there is no misunderstanding. Lay down ground rules for the future. Only one family at a time. They do their own laundry and tidy up after themselves. They eat out 2 nights a week and cater for themselves inhouse, you are a host not a skivvy.

Mari9999 · 22/08/2023 21:03

@PrincessNannie
As the visit is coming to an end I would say nothing and let them all leave without drama.

Going forward. I would not host them together, and I would leave it to your husband as to whether he wants to discuss the ancient history of his former marriage.

Thirty years is a very long time for them not to have had that conversation.

You and your husband should indicate that you no longer feel up to hosting long visits, and that you feel that your hosting capacity is limiting to a1 or 2 week visit at most.

It sounds as though you may be reaching a stage where the sometimes ugly topic of assets and inheritance may be lurking in the background. If this is the case, things are not likely to become much better, particularly if your husband has postponed and deferred uncomfortable conversations.

Maray1967 · 22/08/2023 21:13

Schmusimausi73 · 22/08/2023 17:33

I would check into a hotel and leave them to it.

This is exactly what I would do. I’d have been off before they got back from their day trip to be honest. Sit your DH down and tell him how you feel and that you are not putting up with it ever again.

GrumpyPanda · 22/08/2023 21:17

Teapleasebobb · 22/08/2023 16:51

This.
I think it's for your dh to deal with as they're his children. I think of you try and have the talk then you'll be the bad guy.

Show quote history

So what if she's their bad guy. I'd much rather be that than their doormat.

Other than that, yes of course DH should put his foot down, and it reflects really badly on him that he didn't do so years ago if none of them are pulling their weight.

Welshmonster · 22/08/2023 21:21

If they are in 40s and you’ve been together 30 years they were kids during any break up. So they are looking at it through kids eyes and they are still hurt. However they are now adults and need to reassess this.

their dad needs to speak to them without putting down their mum. And needs to tell them to wise up and not be disrespectful.

say they are welcome to visit but only one at a time and if more then the other one needs to stay elsewhere.

maybe next time they come out you go and visit your family and leave them to it.

I wouldn’t have a big argument on last night but set expectations for future visits before any are booked

Rosscameasdoody · 22/08/2023 21:25

You were running around after them for their whole stay, and despite the fact that they knew you were looking forward to the beach trip, they froze you out ? Sorry but that tells you all you need to know. Your DH needs to tell them that unless they rethink their behaviour, apologise to you and find some way of thanking you for your hospitality, the holidays won’t be happening again. And he needs to put your SS straight on the break up of his parents’ marriage.

Sheepsheepie · 22/08/2023 21:26

For the sake of one night I would keep stum however their father does need to set the story straight and any future visits put boundaries in place etc before hand

Ap42 · 22/08/2023 21:29

I think after 30 years together you have every right to have your say to the step kids. Their behaviour is appalling, their grown arsed adults with no respect. I would be telling them straight... but then I am very to the point.

Teapleasebobb · 22/08/2023 21:33

@GrumpyPanda she doesn't have to be a doormat. The stepchildren already think bad of her, so this way if her dh brings it up then he's making it clear he's fighting her corner. It sounds like she can't do much right in their eyes, if she confronts them it'll be another reason to not like her. I'm sure op would rather things were resolved than more animosity created. Dh tackling it in the first instance would work more towards resolution than further hostility.

ihadamarveloustime · 22/08/2023 21:38

They're not just being rude to your DH; they're being rude to you. Offensively so.

This is YOUR home. You have done nothing wrong (other than let them walk all over you).

I'd be sitting them down tonight and making it clear that SS's views are not only wrong, but offensive that he believes it AND continues to happily take advantage of your home/food/hospitality/etc. He didn't even have the balls to back up his own misguided beliefs. CF.

I'd also make it clear that they start pulling their weight with buying/cooking food and cleaning up after themselves, treating their hosts X number of times per week, or they can go to a hotel. Immediately.

WaitingPainting · 22/08/2023 21:48

I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help

Why haven't you asked them and your husband to help? If you've never said anything then maybe they think you don't mind. They are really rude not to help but I don't understand why have kept quiet about it. If you are unable to say something then you could have asked your husband to talk to them.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/08/2023 21:57

The OP said her husband usually does help but he's just had an op.

Blueblell · 22/08/2023 21:58

Your DH needs to put them straight on your his marriage breakup. Even if you had though it would still not be acceptable to carry on like this. Three weeks! is a long time to host them for a holiday. It sounds like they haven’t developed a good relationship with you and that should change if they expect a three week holiday every year!

My step mum did break up our parents marriage and it was quite a drama 30 years ago. However, we all get on well now and although I wouldn’t want to stay with them for three weeks 😂 I would definitely go out with my SM for a drink, lunch or day at the beach if Dad was coming or not as we have developed a relationship over the years.

I think though your DH needs to take the lead here and make it clear that they are only welcome if it is to socialise with you both and pull their weight whilst they stay.

Grumpy101 · 22/08/2023 22:01

Tough one. I'd keep quiet for the sake of 1 night and be busy next time they want to come over. Address the marriage break up with DH and let him have that convo if he wants.

MsRosley · 22/08/2023 22:06

Holy fuck. Over my dead body would I let my step children behave like that towards me in my own home. Utter brats.

GameOverBoys · 22/08/2023 22:33

Do they need you to clean up after them? My dads wife will constantly hover around and pick up after everyone before they even had a chance to do anything themselves. It’s annoying and puts everyone on edge. Why isn’t their Dad cooking and cleaning?
They sound rude and ungrateful though but I’d let their dad handle it.

Wheresthebeach · 22/08/2023 22:33

The confusion over the end of the marriage needs to be sorted.

next year I’d respond to visit requests with ‘no. The catering and cleaning last year was too much as nobody helped. Get an Airbnb so you can cook for yourselves and we can sort seeing you for visits’

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