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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepchildren treating my house as a hotel and upsetting their father.

113 replies

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 16:28

Hi I have been lurking for ages but never posted so be gentle.

My DH and I have been together for 30 years and moved out of the UK about 10 years ago. We live in a modest house but because it is a warm country, we built a swimming pool (not a stealth boast but relevant). I have two stepchildren in their 40’s who are married with children and I view their children as my grandchildren. My SC have lived with us over various periods of their life and I do love them but have recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this. This is totally untrue and now feel that this is impacting my view of their behaviour.

For the past 3 years one of my SS has visited us with his DW and 3 DC and stayed for 3 weeks. In all that time they have cooked a meal 3 times and took us for dinner once to belatedly celebrate their fathers milestone birthday. This summer my SD decided to visit for a week and this visit coincided with her brother’s holiday. She is married with 2 DC – so there are 11 people living in my small house. I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help. The grandchildren always load the dishwasher but that is all. I feel really uncomfortable around them it is as if I am intruding and I know my DH is really upset as he feels they have not come to visit him but to have a free holiday with their sibling.

At the beginning of the week end we planned a family day out to the beach but last night my husband decided he did not want to go as he would have to stay in the shade and would not be able to swim – he has just had an operation to remove some skin cancer but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject. Fast forward to this morning and it was made clear by their actions - asking everyone but me at breakfast what they wanted in their sandwiches so I stayed at home.

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

Or as I have bitten my tongue for 3 weeks and they only have 1 night left just let it go and next year tell them we already have guests for the weeks they like to visit.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 22/08/2023 22:47

Why isn’t their Dad cooking and cleaning?

He is recovering from an operation. As stated by OP above.

Cherrysoup · 22/08/2023 22:55

Gently, OP, stop being a doormat and allowing them to stay for so long with you as unpaid maid when they treat you so poorly. Tell your Dh what your SS thinks and tell him to sort it.

ConstitutionHill · 22/08/2023 23:14

I have not told him that his DS thinks I broke up the marriage as he would be really upset

Well let him be upset! He's a grown up isn't he? You are upset but he has to be shielded or something?

Countdown2023 · 23/08/2023 00:10

Batalax · 22/08/2023 20:54

You do need to suck up visits for dh sake, but it can be for shorter periods, one family at a time and they can bloody pull their weight.

No she doesn’t

Honeychickpea · 23/08/2023 01:09

Mari9999 · 22/08/2023 21:03

@PrincessNannie
As the visit is coming to an end I would say nothing and let them all leave without drama.

Going forward. I would not host them together, and I would leave it to your husband as to whether he wants to discuss the ancient history of his former marriage.

Thirty years is a very long time for them not to have had that conversation.

You and your husband should indicate that you no longer feel up to hosting long visits, and that you feel that your hosting capacity is limiting to a1 or 2 week visit at most.

It sounds as though you may be reaching a stage where the sometimes ugly topic of assets and inheritance may be lurking in the background. If this is the case, things are not likely to become much better, particularly if your husband has postponed and deferred uncomfortable conversations.

I bet you are right about the inheritance. The siblings winding each other up about the evil stepmother who will steal their rightful dues. Because 30 years means nothing when you have £ signs in your eyes.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2023 04:56

Motomum23 · 22/08/2023 16:44

I'd say it's up to DF to have this conversation not you. He should be telling them if they want to visit they need to pull their weight. And he needs to explain to SS that you were not a factor in his marriage to their mother failing.

This. Otherwise they'll think it's not him protesting about the visit but you.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/08/2023 05:00

i would book a hotel and leave all of them to it.

Fucking disgraceful behaviour all round. Not least from your husband.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/08/2023 05:05

Its the last day 🤦‍♀️ any blow up is pointless.

OP you are a saint. Your DH needs to step up and i wpuld book myself on a solo holiday next time they visit. They dont view you as family.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 23/08/2023 05:10

so they went to the beach and are due back at some point?
and you and your DH are at home?
can you just have dinner together, the two of you, before they all return?

and when they come back, tell them to sort out their own food (without helping themselves to anything else from your cupboards - which is presumably where the sandwich ingredients came from). same for breakfast.

they need a short sharp shock. you're not a hotel. the sandwich thing should be a wake-up call for their DF.

you don't owe them an explanation, or need to make excuses about getting older. and you don't need to start a conversation about future visits at this point, unless you and your DH have the time and energy to do so - let them leave, and communicate that bit to them later.

Lonicerax · 23/08/2023 05:15

SS was possibly traumatised by his parents’ separation but uses you as the pinch bag for his sadness over that - but how many years later is it?? No excuse at his age , he’s not 10.

Cornettoninja · 23/08/2023 08:05

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/08/2023 19:05

The other way to think about it is- if you set limits on the time they can come, then that's less time with their dad- is that what he wants?

I think it's odd to see this as a 'hotel' 'cheeky fucker' situation myself.

They have limited annual leave, perhaps they might seize the opportunity to go elsewhere next year.

I also think it's odd to be peeved that the siblings are seeing each other, what a strange thing to be upset about- having all the cousins together, and siblings, I'm not sure why this is a negative or your husband feels this way.

I totally agree next time be far clearer about the a) time b) housework and cooking rota and c) who comes when

The plain fact is that they might be killing two birds with one stone- having a holiday and seeing dad. It might not take much to deter them, so be careful what you wish for.

Excellent post. It doesn’t really address the undercurrents going on but it’s a really intuitive assessment of the situation. The situation of two siblings plus their families timing visits to be together is normal in my family and we actively arrange breaks to ensure as many of us are there at once. It’s really not uncommon.

Any issues need to be addressed by your dh. Anything coming from you, or attributed to you is likely to be viewed as nothing to do with your DH, ‘he’s been made to …. Blah, blah, blah’ if your interpretation of the situation is correct.

user1492757084 · 23/08/2023 08:37

It will backfire if you speak up.
Bite your tongue and set new rules that their father can inform them of next time.

Their father should be the one to sit them down, without you, and explain why his marriage failed. He should also be saying that he is disappointed that, while taking advantage of your generous hosting, they have been rude to you and that hurtful behaviour should not be repeated.

rookiemere · 23/08/2023 10:28

Yes I suspect if you go in all huns blazing the DCs will go no contact which is not presumably what their DF wants.

You now have the measure of them and you understand what they think of you. I'd use that as a measure for the level of hospitality shown on future visits. I'd get DH to say 1 week maximum- by all means let him use a white lie of getting too old for all this hosting - and if I were you I'd deliberately be unavailable for a lot of it.

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