Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren treating my house as a hotel and upsetting their father.

113 replies

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 16:28

Hi I have been lurking for ages but never posted so be gentle.

My DH and I have been together for 30 years and moved out of the UK about 10 years ago. We live in a modest house but because it is a warm country, we built a swimming pool (not a stealth boast but relevant). I have two stepchildren in their 40’s who are married with children and I view their children as my grandchildren. My SC have lived with us over various periods of their life and I do love them but have recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this. This is totally untrue and now feel that this is impacting my view of their behaviour.

For the past 3 years one of my SS has visited us with his DW and 3 DC and stayed for 3 weeks. In all that time they have cooked a meal 3 times and took us for dinner once to belatedly celebrate their fathers milestone birthday. This summer my SD decided to visit for a week and this visit coincided with her brother’s holiday. She is married with 2 DC – so there are 11 people living in my small house. I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help. The grandchildren always load the dishwasher but that is all. I feel really uncomfortable around them it is as if I am intruding and I know my DH is really upset as he feels they have not come to visit him but to have a free holiday with their sibling.

At the beginning of the week end we planned a family day out to the beach but last night my husband decided he did not want to go as he would have to stay in the shade and would not be able to swim – he has just had an operation to remove some skin cancer but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject. Fast forward to this morning and it was made clear by their actions - asking everyone but me at breakfast what they wanted in their sandwiches so I stayed at home.

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

Or as I have bitten my tongue for 3 weeks and they only have 1 night left just let it go and next year tell them we already have guests for the weeks they like to visit.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 22/08/2023 17:36

I would bite my tongue but next time just say it was a bit much with so many people and having to cook, clean ect for that many as well.

Your husband would need to address the marriage separation bit. Based on how often you see them I probably wouldn't make much of a fuss.

I do appreciate why you are left feeling the way you are though it must be incredibly hurtful.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 22/08/2023 17:36

I think that both you and your DH should get everyone together tonight, and then DH should tell them in no uncertain terms that he is disgusted and disappointed in the way they have treated you both during their stay, and that in future if they want a holiday they can go elsewhere. I would then tell them, that if they genuinely want to visit and spend time with you BOTH, then they will behave as family should, which means they will help with meals, cleaning up after themselves, etc. and treat you both with the respect you deserve. Failure to do so, will result in them being told to leave and they will not be welcome in the future.

similarminimer · 22/08/2023 17:38

Your H is letting you down by leaving you to do all the housework and not addressing his childrens' poor behaviour towards you. This is for him to sort out - not for you to drive a further wedge between you and them

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 17:38

Why has your husband allowed you to be treated like a skivvy in your own home, by HIS children?

Why have you tolerated it?.

Of course HIS children are well aware of how they are treating you and their father is standing by and allowing it.

Had he dealt with their behaviour this wouldn't have continued, but he clearly hasn't wanted to step in.

Speak to your husband, and insist he speak to his children.

I wouldn't allow any further visits beyond a week and I would leave all future catering to your husband.

We teach people how to treat us.

I too am married 30 years and there is no way my husband would stand by and tolerate our home to be used as a hotel and me their servant.

You must be shattered having put up with this rudeness for 3 weeks.

category12 · 22/08/2023 17:41

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

But it's not hurtful to your DH - you're the one being excluded and skivvying for them while he watches on. They're not going to be impressed by you speaking for him and saying he's the one upset.

It's got to come from him - he's the one that should be sticking up for you.

Sceptre86 · 22/08/2023 17:43

I disagree that it all needs to come from their dad. This is a mumsnet thing where mils must be dealt with by their son and stepparents have no say whatsoever in the behaviour of stepkids.

These are adult stepchildren who are coming to stay at a home that is shared by you and your dh. You have every right to be treated with respect in your own home. If they dislike you or are holding onto (wrongly in this case) grudges then they should stop being cheapskates and book hotels. I'd have a sit down last meal and then address how their behaviour has hurt you. If you've been in their lives for 30 years you are family. If they don't like ypu then they shouldn't accept your hospitality. Your dh needs to be involved in the discussion and address how you have been treated and the lack of help. He might also suggest that unless they are going to pull their finger out they can arrange a hotel next time.

You should never be made to feel unwelcome or like a spare part in your home op. I had wider family of my dh's do this to me once, they were never invited again.

Womblegreen · 22/08/2023 17:46

With 1 day left I wouldn’t rock the boat. When they have left and the dust has settled I would have a calm conversation with your husband about how things were and agree a strategy for next year.

Personally I wouldn’t agree to a 3 week block, it’s too long. Perhaps they could come for that length of time but split their visit with the 2nd week elsewhere. I would also expect them to contribute more in future - helping out with chores, cooking and a meal or 2 out. I also wouldn’t agree with several children and their families visits coinciding again - they’ve used it to gang up on you.

Good luck OP, you’ve nearly got there for this visit!

andweallsingalong · 22/08/2023 17:48

Going against the grain slightly...

I would always expect to cook for invited guests. The grandkids do their bit afterwards loading the dishwasher. For lengthy family stays I'd feel comfortable suggesting someone else took a turn and only feel taken advantage off if they refused. As a PP said why isn't your husband also cooking or taking everyone out for food to give you a break?

That you broke up their parents marriage should have been addressed straight away by your husband.

The beach is hurtful. Again, why isn't your husband stepping up and saying something?

category12 · 22/08/2023 17:49

Womblegreen · 22/08/2023 17:46

With 1 day left I wouldn’t rock the boat. When they have left and the dust has settled I would have a calm conversation with your husband about how things were and agree a strategy for next year.

Personally I wouldn’t agree to a 3 week block, it’s too long. Perhaps they could come for that length of time but split their visit with the 2nd week elsewhere. I would also expect them to contribute more in future - helping out with chores, cooking and a meal or 2 out. I also wouldn’t agree with several children and their families visits coinciding again - they’ve used it to gang up on you.

Good luck OP, you’ve nearly got there for this visit!

I agree, it's a bad idea to finish the holiday with this as it'll likely turn into how their holiday was ruined or somesuch.

Suck it up until they go - and before any future next visit, have it out with your DH so he sets their expectations for next time.

LoobyDop · 22/08/2023 17:50

I’d wait until they go home- it’s too late to make a difference this time, so it seems pointless to sour the atmosphere for the last night. But once they’re home, your husband should definitely tell them that the way they treated you was unacceptable and they won’t be welcome again unless you’re both convinced that something will be different. And things I’d consider spelling out are shorter visits, only one family at a time, a certain proportion of meals organised/cooked/paid for by them, ground rules for day trips and communication of plans- e.g. no getting back late f you’re cooking for them, no sudden demands for picnics. And a level of help you’d expect at home with table-setting, washing up etc.

If that doesn’t fit with their idea of a holiday, you can recommend other accommodation and just meet up for a few meals, or they could try another location altogether.

Original poster
PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 17:51

My DH would normally help 50/50 but he has just had an operation s cannot move bits of his body very much. He did say that he should put it off until they gad left so he could help but it is one of thise things that need dealt with as soon as possible.

I have not told him that his DS thinks I broke up the marriage as he would be really upset.

Thank you for your responses it has made me feel that it is not me being overly sensitive so I am going to bring it up in my own right as I feel after 30 years I get a say.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/08/2023 17:53

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 17:51

My DH would normally help 50/50 but he has just had an operation s cannot move bits of his body very much. He did say that he should put it off until they gad left so he could help but it is one of thise things that need dealt with as soon as possible.

I have not told him that his DS thinks I broke up the marriage as he would be really upset.

Thank you for your responses it has made me feel that it is not me being overly sensitive so I am going to bring it up in my own right as I feel after 30 years I get a say.

I think you should tell him. How can he clear the air if he doesn't know about it? He's not a child that needs protecting.

I think you should leave until they're asking to visit again.

category12 · 22/08/2023 17:54

leave it not leave

reallyworriedjobhunter · 22/08/2023 17:56

Stop cooking for them for starters.

Next time they say they are coming, say we'd love to see you but you'll have to stay in a hotel and its too much work having guests that don't do their fair share.

Medlady · 22/08/2023 18:00

Go out tonight and see friends. Don’t cook or facilitate. Get back really late

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2023 18:10

Why are you doing all the cooking and cleaning for them?! They’re his grabby rude offspring. Why do you accept them inviting themselves to stay for weeks on end?

They're used to treating you like absolute shit and getting away with it. Why’s he allowed that to happen?

I couldn’t be arsed with a row on their last night, it doesn’t sound like he’ll back you up and it’ll be horrible for the kids. But he needs to be clear once they’ve gone how upset and angry he is and how they’re not coming back anytime soon, least of all without asking nicely. Cheeky buggers.

Silvers11 · 22/08/2023 18:11

Jamtartforme · 22/08/2023 17:07

This. He needs to do it, and it needs to come from him, not ‘PrincessNannie feels..’

I would lay out what you’re happy to do - ie have them for a week twice a year or whatever - and stipulate what you will and will not be doing in that time. He then needs to jig them along when they stay, ask them to clean up after themselves and suggest they take you for dinner as a thank you.

Show quote history

I agree with this too. Your DH needs to do the telling - and yes, I think it should be done tonight

FlamingoQueen · 22/08/2023 18:12

Tell them to fuck off out of your home! I would ask them why they are being so awful to you but feel comfortable enough to stay in your home.

Silvers11 · 22/08/2023 18:13

And I've just seen an update. You NEED to tell your DH what your SS thinks about the break up of the marriage, and get him to tell SS in no uncertain terms that is not the case

MillWood85 · 22/08/2023 18:18

Let them go home, and keep quiet. Then in a few weeks, send a message to both saying "Next year we will need a much better schedule for visits. Given your Dad has had surgery and wasn't fully functioning, the work fell mainly to me this time and I am still feeling a bit exhausted. We are getting older, am used to a quiet life and whilst we look forward to your company, 3 weeks and all together is just too much for us. Shall we set a google calendar up?"

Let the past lie where it should. Don't engage with who thinks what... leave that can of worms firmly closed.

angieloumc · 22/08/2023 18:19

They sound horrible, definitely get it all out in the open.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/08/2023 18:20

... recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this

If this isn't true then I'm wondering if it's a narrative they've invented to justify their own appalling behaviour

Either way I think your DH needs to know. I get your reluctance to upset him when he's been ill recently, but can't imagine the current atmosphere's doing him much good either - and if and when he says something to them it'll be interesting to see if they too "avoid upsetting him" or if they feel he can be overridden

CombatBarbie · 22/08/2023 18:23

PrincessNannie · 22/08/2023 17:51

My DH would normally help 50/50 but he has just had an operation s cannot move bits of his body very much. He did say that he should put it off until they gad left so he could help but it is one of thise things that need dealt with as soon as possible.

I have not told him that his DS thinks I broke up the marriage as he would be really upset.

Thank you for your responses it has made me feel that it is not me being overly sensitive so I am going to bring it up in my own right as I feel after 30 years I get a say.

Why on earth doesn't he know.... This needs stamping on before they leave!!

And they wouldn't be invited back either

CorylusAgain · 22/08/2023 18:24

The first thing you need to do is have a completely open and full conversation with your dh. He needs to know about the hurtful misunderstanding aboutthe end of his firdt marriage. Why keep quiet about that when he can put the record straight?
You also need to make surere you are both on the same page before you say anything to the 'dc'. It wouldn't be fair for you to launch in at the dc without having discussed tge situation with him first.

You also need be clear what outcome you want. Is it shorter visits? More help? Fewer people?

If he agrees with you then it can be a voiced with a united front, with the record set straight about the history of your relationship.

Good luck. The 'dc' are taking the piss!

CombatBarbie · 22/08/2023 18:25

MillWood85 · 22/08/2023 18:18

Let them go home, and keep quiet. Then in a few weeks, send a message to both saying "Next year we will need a much better schedule for visits. Given your Dad has had surgery and wasn't fully functioning, the work fell mainly to me this time and I am still feeling a bit exhausted. We are getting older, am used to a quiet life and whilst we look forward to your company, 3 weeks and all together is just too much for us. Shall we set a google calendar up?"

Let the past lie where it should. Don't engage with who thinks what... leave that can of worms firmly closed.

Erm no, it's the Ops home, she is not the maid or a skivvy. The "kids" need to be firmly told that their behaviour was unacceptable as adults and parents themselves regardless of the past.

Swipe left for the next trending thread