Stepchildren treating my house as a hotel and upsetting their father.

[PrincessNannie]

Hi I have been lurking for ages but never posted so be gentle.

My DH and I have been together for 30 years and moved out of the UK about 10 years ago. We live in a modest house but because it is a warm country, we built a swimming pool (not a stealth boast but relevant). I have two stepchildren in their 40’s who are married with children and I view their children as my grandchildren. My SC have lived with us over various periods of their life and I do love them but have recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this. This is totally untrue and now feel that this is impacting my view of their behaviour.

For the past 3 years one of my SS has visited us with his DW and 3 DC and stayed for 3 weeks. In all that time they have cooked a meal 3 times and took us for dinner once to belatedly celebrate their fathers milestone birthday. This summer my SD decided to visit for a week and this visit coincided with her brother’s holiday. She is married with 2 DC – so there are 11 people living in my small house. I am doing all the cooking and cleaning with no help. The grandchildren always load the dishwasher but that is all. I feel really uncomfortable around them it is as if I am intruding and I know my DH is really upset as he feels they have not come to visit him but to have a free holiday with their sibling.

At the beginning of the week end we planned a family day out to the beach but last night my husband decided he did not want to go as he would have to stay in the shade and would not be able to swim – he has just had an operation to remove some skin cancer but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject. Fast forward to this morning and it was made clear by their actions - asking everyone but me at breakfast what they wanted in their sandwiches so I stayed at home.

So would it be unreasonable of me to to tell them that their behaviour is bang out of order and incredibly hurtful to their DF and that they are not welcome back until they learn some manners.

Or as I have bitten my tongue for 3 weeks and they only have 1 night left just let it go and next year tell them we already have guests for the weeks they like to visit.

Sorry for the essay.

They sound horrible. Put them right today and be busy next time they want to visit.

They are scum for making you cook every day and not invite you to to the beach. They don’t see the kids as your DGC.

This is not good advice, OP is not their doormat.

but he said in front of everybody I should still go as I was so looking forward to it. There was a bit of silence and then the changed the subject

were you also silent? Did you comment at all?

Tbh, if you didn’t, I would take that as a pretty clear signal that what your dh was saying wasn’t right and wouldn’t push it on you further.

you do need to talk to your dh properly. You all seem to be operating from different pages and relying on presumptions of what each other may or may not be thinking. At the very least you and your dh need to be coming from the same place.

Why does your SS think you broke up his parents' marriage? When you say they consider you a granny to their kids - is that when they need/want childcare favours and holidays? Or is there genuine familial feeling from them towards you? Excluding you from an excursion when they are in your home and you are waiting on them doesn't sound very affectionate. Are they actually behaving like the guests that they are, or acting like they own the place? You are an adult, as are they, you are allowed to have a frank conversation with them about their behaviour towards YOU - however their actions might effect their father, you are a person in your own right with your own feelings, and entitled to consideration and politeness from guests, and it is you they are being rude to. If they can't be civil to you, then they need to go and book some accommodation elsewhere.

Don't contact them. Next year when dh lets you know the dates when they want to stay, just reminds him that they need to book accommodation nearby.

No need to explain and certainly no need to take the burden of explaining to these entitled wankers why their behaviour sucks.

You absolutely have to tell him.

He'll get upset but it shouldn't be at you. He needs to set his adult children straight on your situation.

I'm thinking that because they think that of you, they're not pulling their weight on purpose, as a punishment to you for doing that.

I think three weeks is too long and there hasn't been good communication about who needs to do what- who knows, they might think you prefer to take control in the kitchen and they wouldn't want to interfere in meal planning? The fact they have cooked once each weeks suggests to me they do feel they can cook there, and so asking them to do a bit more or take turns would have been the sensible thing to do.

Perhaps in the past you've enjoyed the hostess role, with your husband as host and now he's ill and the children are older, it's all too much.

I would let them go home, regroup and talk to your husband about the whole situation (including the presumption you spilt the family up) and decide what to do going forward, in terms of visits and so on.

The thing is, blowing it all up, when you haven't made what you need clear is not going to get the desired result, which is a closer but easier relationship within the whole family including you. It's easier to negotiate when people aren't in your house, and really, it's a bit much to put it on them on the last day that they needed to do more- what was needed was more delegating earlier on (and if the grandchildren are doing the dishwasher, they are doing something).

The very difficult fact about all this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately which is that I like my step-mum (well dad's wife) as a wife for him, she's great for him. Me, I'm not fussed about her as a person and if we weren't related through his marriage, we would have no relationship. I did think the other day if he died first (which he may do as older) then we probably wouldn't see each other again. We all get on fine, but there isn't that familial warmth, even after 20 years. Not sure what this means for you, except don't bend over backwards for them ,suit yourself and your husband, shore up your own friends, and get them to visit for only one week each next year, preferably in Air B and Bs, or ask for more help. The grandchildren may be fonder of you and I'd keep those relationships going with texts/messages as you can.

recently found out my SS thinks I broke up his parents’ marriage and is still very bitter over this

How did you find out? What did you say (I can imagine you may have been so taken aback that you didn't know what to say)

It's unfortunate that it has all come to a head on the last day but one, since really it would be better for your DH and you to talk to them face to face. A phone call at home telling them off, is not the same thing. And it really depends on how DH treats this whole issue and how he handles it.

I also think even if nothing else is discussed the DSS should be quietly put right on the fact that you didn't break up the marriage BEFORE they all go home. But it does depend on what the atmosphere is like and as I said before you really don't have enough time - so that is a tricky decision. Also, it doesn't give them time to right any wrongs. Maybe they've been thoughtless or don't realise how much work it is.

It would be a shame to have put in all this time and effort, only for it to end on a really sour note.
Sorry I know that's not much help.

I agree you should be clear on what you want from them next time.

I think it is kind of you to shield DH from this, but YOU are also upset and I think its such a big deal that he needs to know, as you are suffering because of it.

Also. They are not children. They are adults. They need to start acting like it.

I wouldn't do any cooking or shopping for the last night. Let it gradually dawn on them that it's up to them But only if it feels appropriate.

Where did the information that you supposedly were the OW come from and why haven't you set them all straight ?

Do this.

I think it is for your DH to have any discussion around him feeling used for a holiday home and them being there to see each other rather than him.

It is totally fair enough for you to flag that the catering etc has been a lot, but in the interests of family harmony I would suck it up for one final day.

I would, however, have a think with your DH around why he feels upset about his DC using his house as a base to spend time with their siblings (as well as him). It sounds as though there is space for everyone. Do they spend much time together apart from when visiting you? If I had the space I think I would enjoy seeing my DC and DGC spend time together. Would he prefer them to see him less and spend that time together without him? Or does it stem from the lack of pulling their weight?

A few home truths are needed now and your DH needs to be part of this so it comes from him too.
Complete Cheeky-Fuckery on their part. Oh and next time they want to stay at yours - you’re not available and neither is your home.

You sound great, OP.

Personally, I would suck this up for now. What’s done is done with regards to this holiday.

This touches some deep issues and would really benefit from some time to reflect and think how you want to deal with it - both you and DH. There is no time pressure so I think I’d wait at least a couple of weeks to get over it, get some perspective and then deal with it.

You definitely need to have a chat. No coming back if they behave like they have. They are adults, they can be told exactly how things are. Good luck!

Your husband should be the one to sort this out and he needs to make it clear that it’s coming from him and not put the onus on you. They need to hear it from him. That you weren’t responsible for the breakup of his previous marriage.
And if he is reluctant to put them right on how he expects them to behave in future then you’ll have to do it.
They are cheeky fuckers, 11 of them descending on you for up to three weeks without lifting a finger. Their kids seem to do more than they do.
Next year tell them it’s for a week only and they have to pitch in or stay elsewhere.

This is sound advice. I tend to just put it all out there and effectively burn down the house when I feel taken advantage of. It’s not the way to handle things but I have a hard time keeping my cool in those situations. 😬

The other way to think about it is- if you set limits on the time they can come, then that's less time with their dad- is that what he wants?

I think it's odd to see this as a 'hotel' 'cheeky fucker' situation myself.

They have limited annual leave, perhaps they might seize the opportunity to go elsewhere next year.

I also think it's odd to be peeved that the siblings are seeing each other, what a strange thing to be upset about- having all the cousins together, and siblings, I'm not sure why this is a negative or your husband feels this way.

I totally agree next time be far clearer about the a) time b) housework and cooking rota and c) who comes when

The plain fact is that they might be killing two birds with one stone- having a holiday and seeing dad. It might not take much to deter them, so be careful what you wish for.

Totally agree with this.

They sound self-absorbed and thoughtless at best, and hostile bullies at worst. Time for some home truths. And for them future visits to be declined unless they remember their manners.

FGS don’t soften the message with ‘oh, I’m getting older’ blah blah.

They are rude, selfish, uncaring (of you but also their DF), scrounging and lazy.

Dont put a brave face on whilst they elbow you out of the way or they blank you whilst being civil to their DF. Look f..ing annoyed.

im not sure there is a way back from this - if you and DH pussyfoot around being reasonable and ‘fair’ -their behaviour will continue. I mean SILs brother isn’t even a relative but he seemed happy to make you a skivvy scapegoat — WHY??

DH needs to tackle this but as he stood by whilst this rudeness went on I can’t see him doing the necessary .

And make sure you have a will which favours you as they are the type to take everything they can.

Wouldn’t it be better to wait, know exactly what you want to say and how, and then raise your issues?

If your DH is recovering and you are tired from guests, you will not necessarily frame what you want to say in the right way you want to say it.

I don't think having a big scene on their last day is the way to go.

I would keep a discrete silence. Go for some cheap easy to prepare meal for their last dinner - supermarket pizza maybe - or even better suggest that the DSCs either prepare or buy dinner.

Wave them off and when the dust settles, have a good chat with your DH. I'd definitely have some ground rules for next time - visits should be 1 week max and only a few days if overlapping. Say you won't be catering as much as you were hurt about the picnic and general overuse of your hospitality.

Before they leave, their behaviour needs to be called out by their DF. How hurtful it was to exclude you from the trip to the beach. How they don't contribute to cooking cleaning etc so there will be no more visits in future unless things change.

What ungrateful, spoilt brats they are.

I'm really sorry OP, their behaviour is unacceptable.

I hope for the last night they order and lay for takeaway or eat out. Definitely tell them those are the two options as you are not cooking or providing food services.

I’d do this, and ask your husband to speak with them once they’d got home. I’m sorry they’ve been so unkind and hope you can iron this out.

I notice the bitch son blames you for a breakup but is happy to take a free holiday!

Step children are adults and can sort out their own holidays. There is no need for an invasion at your place. They can find a hotel/cottage/Airbnb nearby and visit occasionally if they want to splash in the pool.

No more 3 week long visits where you are generally skivvy. Time to put your big girl pants on and say what is acceptable to you

I'm unsure why you need to be saying anything at all. Surely this is best to come from your husband, their father.