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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL wants to take my 1 year old away for 3 months

351 replies

diamontee · 22/08/2023 13:14

I know I'm not being unreasonable, but just need somewhere to rant!

Ex MIL casually dropped in the conversation that she wants to take DD (13 months) to her home country for three months. I immediately said absolutely not! She then followed up with "ok, just one month then"! This is apparently so that DD can "get used" to being away from me as she is very clingy. Why on earth would a 13 month old need to get used to being away from their mother for months at a time?!

Apparently I'm completely unreasonable for not allowing this and have been accused of "hogging" the baby... honestly couldn't make this up!

OP posts:
Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:01

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/08/2023 18:56

The usual overreaction and kicking off on this thread with talk of blocking etc and never seeing her again.

Just say that it's nice that you want to take her in a long holiday but she's too young and you'd miss her. And she's right, in some cultures it's perfectly normal for grandparents to have sole care of DCs when their parents work away but not in your culture so it's a no. You don't have to be horrible about it if she's otherwise a caring and loving grandma.

You did catch that this woman was accusing the op of “hogging” her grandchild for taking her away on a fortnights’s holiday?

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:02

Oh and when the op said no - she’s accused of being “totally unreasonable”

and yet you still would be happy to continue a relationship with someone so critical of your parenting? Oh dear

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/08/2023 19:04

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:02

Oh and when the op said no - she’s accused of being “totally unreasonable”

and yet you still would be happy to continue a relationship with someone so critical of your parenting? Oh dear

Well I'm quite easy going so it wouldn't bother me unduly TBH

Original poster
diamontee · 22/08/2023 19:06

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:02

Oh and when the op said no - she’s accused of being “totally unreasonable”

and yet you still would be happy to continue a relationship with someone so critical of your parenting? Oh dear

She is my child's grandmother. It's not about me "wanting to keep a relationship with her". It's about me wanting my daughter to have a relationship with her grandma.

Although she's behaved unreasonably, I don't think her suggesting something that's frequently done in her culture is grounds for me to cut her off. She doesn't have unsupervised visits and since I'm the one with DD's passport, there's no risk of her taking her out the country

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 22/08/2023 19:08

She's done her parenting. Now it's your turn.

Yalta · 22/08/2023 19:09

THisbackwithavengeance

The fact that she asked for 3 months and the reply was No

Then it was a month and the answer was No

And now she is coming up with all the reasons why she should be allowed to

Unfortunately I have met people like this where they ask Andy ask and ask for something or to do something and the answer is No.
Then they do it anyway.

Talking nicely to someone like this or putting them off for another day is just giving them permission in their own minds
Saying when the child is older, just means that 2 weeks from now you will drop her off at this woman’s house for her to babysit whilst you fpand do some shopping and when you return your dc is mid flight and the reply will be , Well you did say she’s could go when she is older and she is 2 weeks older

ohcrums · 22/08/2023 19:18

Bloody hell

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:20

diamontee · 22/08/2023 19:06

She is my child's grandmother. It's not about me "wanting to keep a relationship with her". It's about me wanting my daughter to have a relationship with her grandma.

Although she's behaved unreasonably, I don't think her suggesting something that's frequently done in her culture is grounds for me to cut her off. She doesn't have unsupervised visits and since I'm the one with DD's passport, there's no risk of her taking her out the country

Show quote history

Each to their own

but I wouldn’t want or think at all healthy for my child to be around someone who thinks their mother is hogging them and is “totally unreasonable” for not allowing them to take them as a baby for 3 months alone thousands of miles away 🤷‍♀️

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:21

And if I ever catch myself relived that someone doesn’t know where my child’s passport is… that’s kind of a red flag that I don’t want my child around them in any scenario

Flipflipmania · 22/08/2023 19:21

Relieved

Petuniape · 22/08/2023 19:22

Jesus, what a nutcase!

Hogging the baby? She makes your baby sound like the property of everyone to be shared equally. What a mad mad woman!

Gagaandgag · 22/08/2023 19:57

I’d also be concerned about FGM!

StuartBroadshairband · 22/08/2023 19:59

"No. I love my child. What sort of parent would let their child go live elsewhere for a while? A shit one, obviously"

wanderinginthegarden · 22/08/2023 20:25

@diamontee this attitude is concerning. I married into an Afghan culture. Luckily my family is very open minded and culturally exposed but I've know. In person, women who have had babies with Afghan men and their ex MIL or the dad himself has took the children to Afghanistan and they are yet to be returned. 8 years later. 1,3,8 at the time.

This mother is still on Facebook searching for them, but in such a country, she wont find them let alone be given rights to get them back.

Don't assume it wouldn't happen to you.

There is many cases where dad has had his children for the weekend and they've been kidnapped and taken to the home country.

Gellhell · 22/08/2023 20:26

Yes. Is FGM practiced in her culture?

wanderinginthegarden · 22/08/2023 20:27

Even my own mother in law said "Why on Earth would you allow your children to go to the home country with the dad/grandma when you are not together and there has been a difficult divorce etc"

Because it happens so often.

Technically,

You could hand your child over for a weekend visit and dad could legally refuse to hand you back until you've gone to court.

Don't take this lightly

HappyMe6 · 23/08/2023 17:48

She’s completely batshit to even think of asking let alone ask you.

Solonge · 23/08/2023 17:50

No, just no. Babies should be clingy at this age. I went away for 7 days with mu husband when my kids were 3 and 5 and they didnt forgive us for years!

MsStyles · 23/08/2023 17:56

Legally she would need permission from both parents in writing, to be able to take the child abroad. Same as any parent needs written permission from the other resident parent to go abroad (unless there’s a child arrangement order in place stating can take abroad).

might be worth slipping that into conversation…

Iziz · 23/08/2023 17:59

This is very weird make sure they are not plotting something in the background like taking full custody or something sound like a bizarre request to me .

Grandmanetty · 23/08/2023 18:07

After that conversation I would not even let her take your DD for a day in case she did a runner. Have heard so many stories of mums losing their babies to dad's abroad.

Calm33 · 23/08/2023 18:07

No NO No. What country? But still NO.

LaughingCat · 23/08/2023 18:09

Ha! This properly made me laugh. Cheers, OP! Just imagining the look on your face and the ‘Errrrrrm…nope. Hard pass. If you want to help, there’s some laundry you can fold, though.’ 😂😂😂

My mum was sent to live with her Oma for a few years when her parents got to sibling number 5, as they ran out of room. It’s definitely fuelled a lot of issues in adulthood. Is it done? Yes. Should it? Prolly not.

Ilovecleaning · 23/08/2023 18:11

FUCK. HER. RIGHT. OFF.
How dare she!

Justontherightsideofnormal · 23/08/2023 18:13

I’m assuming others have alarm bells ringing like me? I would not let her leave the country , keep her passport well hidden. 13 moth old clingy? You are her main carer, I cannot even imagine how a 13 month old would feel being taken away from her mum. Xx