Ex MIL wants to take my 1 year old away for 3 months

[diamontee]

I know I'm not being unreasonable, but just need somewhere to rant!

Ex MIL casually dropped in the conversation that she wants to take DD (13 months) to her home country for three months. I immediately said absolutely not! She then followed up with "ok, just one month then"! This is apparently so that DD can "get used" to being away from me as she is very clingy. Why on earth would a 13 month old need to get used to being away from their mother for months at a time?!

Apparently I'm completely unreasonable for not allowing this and have been accused of "hogging" the baby... honestly couldn't make this up!

Has exMiL even looked after the baby at all? I wouldn't allow her to take DD even overnight in this country and would suggest that any visit she has needs to be chaperoned. Has your ex said anything about this? It would be great if his broken relationship with his parent meant he was on your side.

Of course. But the point remains that mother in laws aren’t perfect, and made mistakes as parents, just as we do.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs because its potentially information the OP hadn't thought about, may not be aware of and could help her understand motivations behind what is a very odd request.
If you have any knowledge at all about FGM you may feel a tad worried for this child as this situation has humongous red flags for it.
The culture has been implied in OP's reply regarding cultural normality of children being separated from their mothers such as her ExDH and I'm afraid that does also tend to happen in countries where FGM is not only prevalent but required, a cultural norm - where not being cut makes you an outcast, filthy, unmarriable and all of the other horrible, horrible things that surround that world.
More information, even if it turns out to be irrelevant, is surely not a bad thing and harms no one. Less information in this particular case could be catastrophic.
Plus this is a forum and she asked for people's opinions so maybe mind your own! HTH.

Also maybe consider the fathers impact on this, and as far as we are aware, he does have PR and has been raised in this culture where (and I cannot stress this enough) it would be abhorrent NOT to have a female child subjected to FGM!
He may be part of it being orchestrated, we simply don't know.

As several have said - is she from a place where they practice female genital mutilation? This may be what's driving this. It's largely led and inflicted by women.

And you've said barely a word about the father. Is he around? Is he backing her up?

Say NO.

Infant attachment is incredibly important - worth reading up on attachment theory to reinforce your NO.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment

Tell her 'never use the phrase 'hogging the baby' again. It makes me uncomfortable.

And if you persist in making me feel uncomfortable you will not see my baby.

The answer is no.'

Then if it goes on, pick the baby up and leave the room. Or preferably, leave.

There's no FGM concerns. MIL is from the Caribbean where that is not practiced.

Absolutely this!!!!

And you've said barely a word about the father. Is he around? Is he backing her up?

Haven't said anything about him because he's completely useless. Doesn't pay maintenance, only sees DD every now and again and pretty much agrees with everything his mum says

Christ, hide your daughter's passport. See if you can have her put on some sort of no fly list. I'd be a bit nervous about the whole situation tbh.

If your ex is as useless as you say, she should count herself very lucky she sees DD at all! You're being very generous spending time with her as it is.

Keep the passport in a locked safe, just in case though.

Can’t believe you’re wasting your time navel gazing about this op tbh

Then what, she's just sitting in your home criticising you?

Tell her to worry about her own kid, and cut contact only to the very occasional brief visit only if you feel like it. Your child doesn't need this nut in her life.

Have no more to go with this woman.

Absolutely YANBU. Assume she does not have Parental Responsibility as grandparent my understanding is she couldn't anyway without permission of all those with PR. However, would your ex be potential flight risk and do they have PR? If so consider getting some legal advice / applying for Prohibited Steps Order to avoid being able to just take off with DC.

For those asking why I have contact with MIL...

Ex and I were together for a number of years and throughout that time, MIL and I maintained a good relationship and she supported me during my separation from ex while I was heavily pregnant and he was behaving abusively. It's only since I've had DD that she's been a bit bonkers! I think she feels a bit guilty that she wasn't there for her kids growing up (her youngest was one when she left) and sees DD as her second chance

That's not being a shit parent. It's leaving your child, most likely very unhappily, with family to improve one's situation in life, and to improve the child's life too. Sadly a normalised fact of life for many citizens of Commonwealth origin. It's far from ideal for many of the families and UK natives should be grateful for the sacrifice they have made to keep our transport and health services, and others, going.

OP, I see where she''s coming from but she needs to understand that your baby is your's and she sees the child because of your generosity and presumably wanting your child to have contact with wider family. If you worry about your child being taken out of the country, you can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order as well as keep their passport under lock and key.

A clear discussion of the situation regarding 'hogging the baby' needs to be had. Let her know your boundaries and expectations.

Of course she supported you

she had her eyes in the golden egg

her grandchild

woman up op

Very normal in some cultures - I remember a Chinese colleague sent her 1-year-old to live with her ILs for a year. When he came back he only spoke their language (not English or Mandarin). I was at the time as I had a DC the same age.

MIL's culture IS the child's culture. If the child is of dual heritage - and we don't know about OP - it is important for them to keep that side of their heritage alive.

@Flipflipmania

"Woman up"?

I left an abusive situation while pregnant and am the sole provider for my child.

I have stood my ground with MIL and told her she won't be taking DD out of the country.

I think I've sufficiently "womaned" up thanks!

No fucking way, she needs to be told where to get off immediately.

So why are you farting around navel gazing about it?

Surely continuing to have a relationship with your mil

even her knowing your holiday plans

is allowing the situation to rumble .

most of us, with absolutely no reason to have any relationship with the EX mil, would just end contact.

As culturally she doesn’t see an issue with it, you can’t really argue your case as she won’t get it.
You just need (as you already seem to be doing) to stick firmly to your decision and brook no argument.

No idea what this means, but it made me laugh 😂