Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

You come for a holiday!!! Why are you helping your siblings with their children??? Do they help you and have your children so you can have time alone???

This is such a lie. What people are saying is that she gets enough of a break that she doesn't need OP to do this. They're also saying that the breaks she gets are at the expense of her elderly parents, who have been guilt tripped and emotionally terrified into providing extensive care.

Read the thread you lazy....

She sounds like a very selfish person the more you post, seems your mother feels she has to do most of the parenting or the child won't be properly looked after.

Perhaps it's time for your sis to think of full time residential care for your DN as the situation seems unsustainable longer term. Have you discussed this with your family and sis?

This thread is weird. How can it simultaneously be a total breeze to look after a disabled child and totally impossible?

The OP doesn’t want to do it, the OPs husband doesn’t want to do it, dsis doesn’t want to facilitate a stay at her sisters holiday cottage though it’s not clear if dh would want that.

it must all be very upsetting for dn and dsis but it would be MUCH worse to go and be with people who thought about you in the way OP has expressed. Non verbal children are often extremely sensitive to atmosphere/emotions, to be honest that may be the root of some of the behaviours (eg dh doesn’t like her, she locks him outside, OP and dsis are interacting tensely, break a glass).

And in ur opinion is that not enough time for her to he looking after her disabled child? Should in ur eyes be looking after her more else she can't complain? Can she only hope for her family to have her like she does with rest of cousins if she had her most of the time?

If the op is only in country for 1 month a year how does she genuinely know the true nature of the relationship between mum and daughter and the care they give? I mean yes the mother of disabled child might need horrible person and treat everyone awful, however I wouldn't wish anyone having to care for a disabled child , my daughter is 6 and developmentally around 2 who needs watching 24/7 and has very little sleep. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. Its a very lonely existence.

I read all your posts OP. You absolutely can not have her for a week unless your sister is also there. She sounds stressed but that's not your problem. I have 2 kids one of whom is autistic- he's 5 and I have to just shadow him all day. Does your niece communicate at all? The challenging behaviours sound like she's sensory seeking.

No, my opinion is that linsey2581 telling OP she should help her sister is ridiculous given OP is supposed to be on holiday herself, cannot manage her niece because she is a big child and will not listen to her, and also the child’s own mother refuses to have her on holiday, hence never taking her dd on holiday. The sister is a hypocrite.

Some people really do just see “disabled child” and then turn off all critical reasoning and reading skills, huh.

So has the child never been on holiday @Ghostedbyfriend

You need to read the thread. You, like many parents of SN kids on here, are projecting. It's understandable, but it really has to stop.

Yes, OP has taken her multiple times. She’s too big now and DH is fed up

“(she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… “

Just for the record, it IS a lot of work.
I speak as the mother of an adult child with SEN. After decades of sleep deprivation I can confirm that watching over a profoundly autistic, learning disabled child through the night, every night, is one of the saddest, loneliest, shittiest-(and apparently for you anyway), unimaginably exhausting aspects of life with a severely disabled child.
Mentioning as your dot dot dots seems to suggest doubt.

I meant beyond the annual 3 days @Ghostedbyfriend has been providing @Moglet4 which I think only OP will know.

The thread is weird because people are refusing to read the OPs posts. They're getting extremely emotional and projecting their own often very difficult situations into this.

And you have no idea if it's upsetting for DN at all, by the way. There's no evidence that she has any idea that any of this is happening or that she would understand it if anyone attempted to explain it to her. We've been told she has roughly the level of understanding of a 2 year old so I very much doubt she has any clue about holiday cottages and other nieces getting to go while she isn't.

Not all SN children are the same. The projection going on in this thread is absolutely unreal. Some of you need to take a good hard look at yourselves.

I have read the whole thread. The parents of SN children especially with children that need 24/7 care know what it's like to have their children constantly. I'm not nessasery agreeing with the mum of child. She shouldn't go to the cottage unless she would go to and I understand she said no. So she does sound unreasonable, however I don't like the comments on here referring to the 'break' she has as too much or somehow the mum is giving 'too much'. And I'm also not surprised the mum has mental health issues , this life isn't easy and my mental health has took nose dive since having my daughter.

eg dh doesn’t like her, she locks him outside, OP and dsis are interacting tensely, break a glass

I didnt realise you were on the holiday too. Cos thats the only way you would know this as you were there right because im sure you arent just doing some weird twist on gaslighting.

@Pollyputhekettleon yes that would be a blessing.

I think it’s odd of you to dismiss the experience of posters who have disabled children with your insistence they are “projecting”. What do you really mean by that? Is it that you think they must be exaggerating? Why would having a disabled child make you less likely to assess a situation revolving around a disabled child? It’s a bit like mansplaining, perhaps it’s you who are projecting your misunderstanding of life with disability onto the situation?

@JenniferBooth no of course I wasn’t there I’m just trying to say we don’t know why she behaves like that with OP but it’s not a good place for a vulnerable child to be if her actions are ascribed to attention seeking etc.

If you had actually read it you would not be claiming that people are saying she has 'too much' of a break. And you would understand perfectly well why they're saying the DM is doing too much. I think some of you are reading things that aren't there because you're having extreme and irrational emotional reactions to this so can't stop imposing your own situation where it doesn't apply.

You don't seem to be capable of understanding anything I've said. You're one of the most irrational, and nasty, of an awful lot of irrational people on this thread, so I'm not engaging with you further.

Is your point that the child may be an easy child to be cared for overnight @Pollyputhekettleon ? Or just that nobody should use any of their experience to support their response?