Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

You have your own family to prioritise and if your DH feels unable to continue to help support your sister and niece then that has to come first for you. Your first loyalties lie with your own husband and children. You have already shown yourself to be a caring and supportive sister with everything you’ve done in the past and for the other children in your family but if they won’t listen to you when you tell them you can’t do it any more, they really don’t deserve your help.

Yes, honestly some people have no right to judge the amount of help the sister needs including op.

Op doesn't have to provide more help than she feels able to but I feel sorry for the sister and niece, no amount of respite and help changes the long term problems they face as a family and the daily mental task of considering a SEN child and their paramount needs.

Just be grateful for your own life op, draw whatever boundaries you need but most of all stop character assassinating your sister because she is struggling, it's distasteful.

@CallistaFlockfart that's the thing, any respite offered by local authority the DSis would probably see as only helpful to DM as it would probably coincide with a time when DM has DN anyway. In fact, the amount of help she has from DM probably negates her need to ask for more from the LA.

It's not sustainable for the DM. I can't believe how much she's doing, she's got her own job too!!

Maybe you should NC

No she's an auntie

No, she's expecting her child to be treated the way her cousins have been which is to spend time away from parents, with the auntie and her visiting cousins. It may be unrealistic but it probably stems from wanting at least a sense of inclusion for her child, and (as I know too well from experience) that often only comes from close family.

The child probably hasn't experienced much inclusion from peers, has missed what are seen as the norms of a NT childhood such as friends, playdates and parties and the sister - probably unrealistically - wants her to have at least one experience that her cousins have had. I can understand the instinct, even if it's unrealistic

Yes, I have read the thread. I didn't say the OP should take her, I was taking issue with the tone of some posters who were using disparaging language about the sister. Plenty of grandparents care for their grandchildren - some even do it close to full time. Unless you have direct experience of having a child with complex needs and a full time job as a single parent maybe temper the language a bit about the supports the sister has.

It’s a choice. You choose what sort of aunt/sister/mother/wife you want to be. You have all the cards and can play them how you please. I know what I have and do do, but it’s all about what you prioritise.

So?

from my reading of the whole thing it sounds like OP’s mother is the one most in need of respite- not her sister (the child’s mother)!!

From what I can see OP’s DN is either in school or has appropriate care placement weekdays during school holidays. The child’s grandmother has her at weekends (? Most of every weekend- not clear) and some weeknights (up to 3?) most weeks. So, OP’s sister has sole responsibility for her child a maximum of 5 evenings and nights per week. And her mother takes her for a week or so to allow her daughter a holiday as respite. The mother and grandmother both work full time. The “hero” here is not OP’s sister (who I’ve no doubt is struggling being the only parent of a SN child, not an easy thing), she has a lot of support from her mother who looks after her child very frequently. I don’t think we can paint OP’s sister as a desperate single mum of a child with SN who is reaching out to OP for help as she never gets a break. She gets quite a bit of respite every single week.

I suspect a lot of what behind this is mostly OP’s sister feeling upset because her child is being treated differently. Unfortunately, this is inevitable because her child is different and has needs and behaviours which have to be taken into account when being cared for, in order for her and those around her to be safe and happy. OP does not feel she could keep her DN safe at the cottage, her husband does not want to spend a week of his holiday in sole charge of their children whilst OP tries to care for her neice. I imagine being in dole charge of a child who is destructive and bolts out the door without warning is stressful in a place you know well, let alone in a holiday cottage. It’s also not clear whether her niece would enjoy or cope being taken out of her routine and/or to a place she doesn’t know with people who she sees at most once a year. All very well saying “ I would do it”, but I’m not sure it’s safe, sensible or in anyone’s best interests.

OP has already looked after her niece for her sister this holiday. Although that sounded as much like giving her mother a break as it is actually granny who looks after the child every weekend. She has offered to look after her for shorter periods (not at the cottage) or for DS to bring her niece to the cottage with them. Neither were acceptable compromises to OP’s sister- and if she wanted a break or for her bride to spend more time with family, both would have given her that. I wonder if she’s either really not coping and trying to get childcare anyway she can- even if to the detriment of others and her DN- or whether she’s got so into “battle mode” that a “no” is automatically to be fought against. My family member could be like this- so used to having to fight to get things done/provided that any no/ any dissent was automatically viewed as a rejection/negatively and could take a while for her to step back and see the other person’s POV. It caused a lot of issues for her with family members because she was quite demanding/rude/unreasonable at times and so many kept her at arms length. It took her a long time to understand why, a very difficult time all round.

I have 3 family members with SN. One is an adult, 2 are children. I will help if needed, but I would not agree to take sole charge of one of them for a whole week in a holiday cottage. Too many variables, significant risk of something untoward happening and a lot of hassle if there is any damage etc. And certainly no holiday for me, I work hard and need a break too. I don’t doubt that the parents also work hard and need a break, but in this case the mother does have quite a lot of support and respite in a week to week basis and also time to holiday alone.

overall, OP YANBU. There could be a compromise to be had, but your sister needs to be open to that. I would also say your mum needs some support too- your sister is putting a lot of caring responsibilities into her shoulders too.

@nidgey I do have first hand experience.

I wasn't referring to the OP taking her, the child's mother has said that the child's behaviour is too challenging for her to take her on holiday so she won't do it, yet she expects the OP, who visits once a year to take her. Does your experience tell you that that's a reasonable thing for the child's mother to expect? What language would you rather I used here?

👏

I don't think the PP was talking about your language specifically. Rather, they were taking issue, as I have, with some of the terms thrown around generally on the thread (such as 'CF', 'absolving responsibility', 'fobbing off'). Perhaps you were one of the PP who used those terms, perhaps not.

This is probably one of the more sensible answers I have seen here.

If the child’s mother does not feel able to cope with her behaviour on holiday (and do refuses to take her), then why on earth would she think it is a good idea for her sister- who sees her niece once a year- to take her away for a whole week? And not even in her own home or an environment she knows well, but in a completely new place! None of that is in the child’s best interests. It might be what her sister wants, but that doesn’t make it right, fair or safe.

This is either unrealistic wishful thinking on OP’s sisters part- “it’ll be lovely, she’ll enjoy being away with her aunt and cousins”- or seeking to make things “fair”- when actually, this situation can’t be made fair. Or her sister just wants some respite but a dressing it up as something else. None of which is OP’s responsibility to manage- it’s not the “right thing to do” to put a child with SN in a potentially unsafe and/or upsetting position, never mind putting yourself in a stressful situation to make her sister happy. And if it goes wrong, who will be happy then?

OP’s sister has been offered the compromise of coming with them on holiday but has turned her nose up it. I’m afraid when you take the two together- expecting her sister to manage her daughter in an environment/situation where she herself feels she wouldn’t cope- plus refusing the offer if going on holiday with them, I have to say that OP’s sister is being entirely unreasonable.

You said he wouldn't be able to cope looking after them alone and would be extremely stressed at the responsibility. That does not mesh with this claim that he's 100% competent.

As much as I would love to help my DSis it wouldn’t be to the detriment of my own DH and DC on our precious holiday.

Perhaps ponder a 2 day break with DNiece another time if you feel you can but don’t feel guilty if not.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave combined with a profoundly disabled child who he barely knows on what is supposed to be a holiday, I would imagine that would be stressful for anyone.

That isn't what she said. She said she would focus on her niece and her husband would look after their children, which he would find extremely stressful and not be able to cope with.

@MollyRover yes, I meant people who were making snide comments, not you specifically.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave it's really easy to filter on just the OPs posts. That's simply not what she said.

Oh dear. Good attempt at being patronising when you're the one who can't read....

Op has only suggested dsis doesn’t take her on holiday because of her behaviour. We don’t know if that’s correct.

Hi @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave , I'm breastfeeding and bored so had time to snip exactly everything the OP has said about her DH for you, important bits bolded. Also don't mind giving others who haven't RTFT another summary:

Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged.

My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope.

I usually take DN out when we’re visiting, after a whole day I feel totally drained, and usually DH would feel very stressed because of the added on responsibility.

Like I said, before DN got so big, we actually did take her for 3-4 days, to give my sister a respite, and always to the detriment of my own family, and this has been going on for years. This year my husband put his foot down because we can no longer keep DN safe without stressing ourselves tremendously.

My DH is a kind and understanding husband and father. He takes care of the children normally, he’s the one cooking and cleaning at home, dropping and picking the kids from school. Playing with them, ironing their uniforms, taking them to after school activities. He needs a break too during holidays. Of course he’s capable of looking after the DCs 100% but should he during summer holidays when I’m supposed to spend time with them as a family?

I’m truly baffled why you would even suggest going to a cottage and offering your siblings children along knowing that your sister will question why DN can’t go? If this was me and I genuinely wanted to spend time with the other children I would go and see them! Arrange to go somewhere for a day out so DN and your sister can come along and it wouldn’t feel to overwhelming for your sister..

you say how selfish your sister has gone, your posts sound awful.. do you think your sister asked for this? No. As for the childcare it is extremely difficult to find childcare at the minute and adding SEN into that situation makes it even harder! In our area it’s a 6 month waiting list.. for a nursery.. without any SEN needs.

I think your sister is remarkable for working full time with all of this pressure on top, as for everyone saying “she gets more of a break than most” how exactly? Working full time is not a break, the OP has stated her mum helps out on SOME of the weekends, she could well be working these.. how many holidays exactly has the sister been on? For all we know she could have only been on one!

OP own up to it, you don’t want to look after DN.. all of the excuses are just making it look worse.. your posts from what I’ve read don’t sound very nice. To label DN as a “chore” and comparing looking after the other children as a “joy” I can understand why your sister would be hurt tbh.

your here for a month and you can’t dedicate even a day to your niece? You knew it would be a smack in the face that every other child can go! You sound like you don’t like your sister.. apparently you didn’t get a look in with childcare because your sister uses it all up! That will be because your DN needs more attention then what your children would do, again that will be because finding a suitable childcare for your DN would be extremely difficult.

It seems like a really hard scenario for everyone involved and perhaps a bit too nuanced for AIBU.

No one here is the winner, except perhaps the feckless DF who doesn't have to do any care at all.

Dsis presumably thought this year would be like past years where OP did take her DD for 3-4 days. Not sure why she thought it was appropriate to ask for a week this time, but there we go. It must be hard for her too to accept that as her DD gets older, the situation will become even more difficult.

But equally OP and her DH don't sound equipped to have solo responsibility of Dniece for a week, based on the level of care she needs.

Also as Dgran gets older and DNiece bigger and stronger she presumably won't be able to help as much.

It sounds awful but as everyones lives are so hard, is full time residential care an option for Dniece? I don't know much about it, I am so fortunate not to be in that situation, but I can't see how it is sustainable in the longer term.