Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

It sounds awful but as everyones lives are so hard, is full time residential care an option for Dniece?. Is this what you suggest for non disabled children who don’t fit in their families? Have you EVER thought “you know what? My sister won’t let my child play with hers and I’m tired, I think I’ll pop the children in a 52 week boarding school!”

different not less

Oh c’mon. Some children’s needs are

*too great for their family to deal with and some children do have to go to residential care.

No yanbu definitely, you are helping a lot. Your sister has to understand and accept that her child is not nt and is too difficult for you to handle

But even if OP finds her niece a chore… so what? Is it wrong to find a relatives behaviour hard to manage even if you love them?

OP has not done anything wrong in fact she is the poster child for no good deed goes unpunished.

To be fair, I was referring to not being able to cope with DN around on top of caring for DCs. In the end of the day, it isn’t like I’ll be looking after DN all alone in a different house, because she’ll be sitting with us at breakfasts, lunches, dinners and just being around in general. DH’s stress level increases whenever DN does something impulsive. Last incident she locked DH out when he went outside to have a look at something in the garden, it was raining too, we were inside but did not hear him knocking, door bell not working, DN just looked at him with a smirk. He was locked out for a good 15min. Once we were out for a walk and DN decided to run onto the car road!! It was certainly frightful. Things like this happens, it’s just so stressful having her around. DH doesn’t think it’s enjoyable to have her around all the time as he ends up managing her as well.
We have cared for her in the past on our holidays but in the last two years it’s become incredibly hard so DH said no THIS year. Only this year! So for the last 6-7 years we’ve always taken her on our little adventures and looked after her for days on our holidays.

DH is semi retired due to health issues and coupled with other issues he has, it’s incredibly hard to look after DN even for a day. He’s a good husband and dad and human being! He has great sympathy for my sister and helped her with child care but also financially, more than her ex ever had or will!

Do your other siblings, the parent of your NT nieces and nephews help your DSis and your DN?

I looked after DN for a weekend and took her out to soft play where she needed constant supervision. Dsis never took her to those places because she felt it was too much work and she felt embarrassing amongst other mums. I do help when I can.

Dsis goes on 2 holidays a year, DM takes over childcare duties. DF also helps out as it’s difficult to manage DN alone.
Dsis gets all the help in the world to pursue her career and interests.
DN is at my parents at least 3 nights per week and whenever she’s ill, my DF would look after her as he’s retired. Dsis never had to leave work because of illness or doctors appointments. DF is on stand by. DM still works so looks after DN weekends. Our DP have gone above and beyond to the detrimental of all the other grandchildren. As a result they don’t know the other grandchildren very well. They hardly go on holidays as Dsis would struggle those weekends they are away! It has happened and dsis gave them an earful so they never went again. Nor can they make plans for the weekends too as DN needs to be at their house. DM sometimes meet up with friends but hurries home so DF won’t struggle too much.

During the weekend dsis would play sport, go to the gym, spa day, meet friends, or just chill at home with a movie and wine. Dsis’ life resembles more that of a single person than a single mum. At least during the weekends.
DM says dsis needs it after a hard week at work and looking after DN in the evenings (4:30-19:30). She usually put DN to sleep before 8pm to get me-time or take her to my DPs whenever my mother works day shifts. DM thinks dsis wouldn’t be able to cope if she didn’t look after DN as much as she is..

our family dynamics has changed as our DPs focus is solely that to keep our Dsis afloat.

This is just hateful and uncharitable in your thinking of her and you clearly do not think much of your DN and believe she does things deliberately to be difficult rather than put certain behaviours down to her SEN.

You don't have to help at all but you also haven't any right to be resentful and envious of the very much needed help she gets from your parents.
I'm sure your sister would swap lives with you in a nano second if she could, her life is hellish even with the help.

Not every SN parent is a good person or good parent.

As someone who worms closely with them there are just as flawed as every other person.

I think at this point OP you or your DPs could adopt DN and posters would still say that Dsis was under too much intolerable pressure. It’s a MN thing. You’ve done more than enough and I can fully see why you’re resentful that an entire family’s dynamic now orbits around one mum and child.

This absolutely. It's very easy to say how horrible you are but exactly how many of them would take this on...OP you have done more then most would

I think your sister is a massive piss taking cf tbh.

You're just completely insane aren't you?

@Ghostedbyfriend Your DSis sounds worse with every post you add. Incredibly manipulative. It's really sad what she's done to your parents but I don't think you can help them. Your DH is less easily guilt-tripped and I'd say he sees your DSis very clearly by now although he may be too polite to say it.

You are being horrid about them both though. I thought it was odd when you mentioned dn was overweight, but now she’s broken a glass, locked a door, and run into the road all to your mind with intent despite having the understanding of a two year old. I think leave them be. You don’t sound like your best place to do anything but make an agonising situation worse for dsis, your parents and dn.

Absolutely what I was thinking. I think it might be time for OP to raise her perfectly understandable resentment with DM though- the other grandchildren deserve a close relationship with their grandparents too- it might be nice for DPs to stay abroad with OP for the odd weekend and give them much needed time off too

She mentioned that she was overweight to point out that it's physically challenging to stop her bolting etc.

Two year olds do things 'with intent' by the way. All the time. You're making no sense.

My son is severely autistic and has challenging behaviour. He’s an adult now but I stopped asking anyone to look after him when he was about 10 after my mum had to lock herself in a room at my house when looking after him one day when he got really aggressive. She’d looked after him from when he was about 4 months old regularly and wasn’t phased by his behaviours but that day she was a bit scared. It is isolating as a parent but I do understand . To be honest even if people had offered I would just have worried he’d hurt someone or run off so we just accepted that our lives are very different from other peoples and we couldn’t do all the things other families did.

I understand where your sister is coming from but it’s obviously not going to work.

It has happened and dsis gave them an earful so they never went again

If she had done this to a partner posters would say it was controlling.

Agree with this. It’s like some posters are reading a totally different thread and even then have no ability to put certain statements into context. Definitely a MN thing.

I really don’t think you should have the child to stay.

How is taking her DN out and about and gearing her own holiday plans to ensure she spends some time with DN in any way uncharitable or showing hatred of DN? Children get bigger, as profoundly disabled children get older, they come with more challenges. Just because DN is non-verbal doesn't mean she basically remains in a baby-like state her entire life.

I don't think DSis would swap lives in a nono-second because nothing points to her being a hands-on parent now. I am totally for families getting involved to support but you cannot expect that support to include things you can't handle yourself as a parent. Dsis gets lots of leeway because her child has a disability and she's more than happy to accept it, such as two child-free holidays a year and regular childcare over a weekend so she gets a normal social life, but then she needs to accept that she gets these benefits because of her child's disability and because it prevents her from being in certain situations that NT children get. Dsis is not upset that DN is missing experiences such as holidays when she's leaving her at home to go on hers. I don't begrudge her this R&R time, but to make out that the OP is a raging ableist bitch for not being able to handle a child she sees a few times per year, practically a stranger even, because she won't take her on holiday with her, is absolute nonsense.

People are seeming to be missing the point that OP is only in the UK for this 1 month holiday. OP, DH, and DC, deserve a holiday, without having to provide childcare for a child with challenging behaviours. She is destructive too - this will add to the stress when you are in a holiday home. OP has helped in other years, until DN has become too big for her to handle. It's very easy for people to say what they would do, when they haven't experienced the reality.

It's very easy for people to say what they would do, when they haven't experienced the reality. this is a good point but not in the way you posted it. Possibly read back and see what posters with disabled children feel and think.

I think the grandmother being “hogged” thoughts are a bit odd as OP and her children aren’t even in the country so are hardly going to be visiting every weekend, especially as dh is already bored of having OPs family all the time. He’s done two weeks of other peoples children and a weekend of his wife staying with her parents. @Ghostedbyfriend i would have done less days but all my nieces and nephews but having read how you feel about dsis and dn I think it would be better not to see them.

Honestly people are reading SN and immediately jumping to conclusions. Just because MOST SN parents struggle doesn't mean this one does!
I don't know any NT parents that have a 'normal social life' and regular childfree holidays....