Not helping my dsis with her SN child

[Ghostedbyfriend]

Not UK based, but would go back for one month during the summer. During the summer holidays,I have watched the children of other siblings. Took one NT niece for 5 days to our summer cottage, and another NT niece for 4 days whilst the siblings worked. We have children ourselves.
One sibling who is a single mum has a SN child (10), non verbal with challenging behaviour. Said child gets daytime support whilst my dsis works, however she thinks I am being unfair as summer cottage would be more fun. But I explained that I couldn’t keep my SN niece safe, because she’s a darter and she does not listen. When she was younger and smaller I would watch her for 3-4 days, but now that she’s more grown and larger (overweight) I can’t simply lift her out of “situations”. Sibling acts all hurt her child is being excluded from fun and not treated equally. In my defence, I did watch her over one weekend to give my dsis respite, but apparently that was not enough as I did not take her to the cottage. I watched her at my mother’s house, whilst my dm was busy with gardening and cooking etc (she usually watches my SN niece during the weekend).
Whenever I watch SN niece, my DH has to take full charge of our DCs as SN niece needs 110% attention, it’s simply not fair on my DH, my kids are primary aged. For example when I was talking to dsis over a cup of tea, my niece took a glass she was drinking from and threw it on the tiled floor shattering glasses everywhere. She threw it on purpose, for attention I think.
Yet, my dsis thinks I am being unreasonable for not giving her one week of respite (she thinks watching her child at night is a lot of work)… My DH has put his foot down, he asked me not to bring my SN niece to the cottage as she’s a lot of work and disturbs our family dynamic whereas the other nieces play well with our DCs.
I do feel very guilty of not helping my sis out but I also feel my DH won’t be able to cope. It’s our holiday after all. So AIBU?

I know a parent exactly like OP’s DSIS. Her child had very challenging disabilities, but she has continued to live a relatively normal life. As far as I can see she has been incredibly fortunate with respite help etc and doesn’t look after her son at all during the day, ever.

Her support network are on their knees and she would only stop to consider if it’s too much if they drop dead.

In this case I think the OP's DM is the one who actually deserves a break etc, not the actual parent!

Absolutely, the biggest bitch I know has a child with a disability. Apparently she was a bitch long before that and it has made her worse. But she is mostly given a huge pass for her horrible behaviour across multiple fronts because people are naturally sympathetic to her situation. She too is the best advocate I know of for her own time and freedom and has far far more of it than most parents of NT children. And her daughters disability is mostly physical and there are few of the behavioral issues mentioned here, they are no worse than you'd get with any teenager.

Yes I agree. The scenario sounds really similar to the person I know. The support network fear if they withdraw the support the child will need to go to residential care. Which is probably true, but the thing is they are really the ones doing the caring and the Mother isn’t really interested in the impact that has, so long as she can carry on like normal. I am always shocked that she feels so entitled to child free trips and long weekends (one year I counted 6, one trip alone for over a fortnight) when in reality that’s not a luxury most parents of NT children have. It seems totally unrealistic but she asks so she gets as people are terrified of the consequences of saying no.

The grandparents never visit our children abroad and whenever we are around DM always have DN or she feels guilty just playing with the other grandchildren (happened once or twice). So as a result the GP don’t know the other grandchildren very well (never slept over, never sole charge of them, never taken them out on day trips)… the other siblings feel resentful of course although we do understand. However we all knew what a shitty husband dsis chose, many of us told her she was making a mistake but she still went ahead and as soon as DN was born and he realised too much responsibility he f-cked off and never saw her again, leaving the family (ours) to pick up the pieces.
over the years we have financially supported my sister, taken DN away for day trips whenever we are around. DH has gone above and beyond for my family.

dsis has always been selfish but now she’s uber selfish, she’s working our old aged parents to the ground. She does not care as long as someone is looking after her DC. Residential schools are very hard to get by and very expensive, at this age (10) Council would not consider it just yet.

You would allow your disabled child to stay with a relative who does not think they are able to meet their needs and keep them safe without additional support? In that case, you are unable to effectively safeguard your child and are a danger

@Ghostedbyfriend What is Dsis’ plan for when your parents aren’t able or around to do this anymore? That’s what would worry me.

It genuinely sounds like the sister is abusive to the OPs parents. Awful situation.

Its coercive control.

Residential schools are very hard to get by and very expensive, at this age (10) Council would not consider it just yet.

??? DD1 went to a residential school at 10, and there were children younger than her. She was in a class of 10, so not all on her own!

There’s expensive and there’s very expensive - probably some are around £80 - £85k now, whereas some are £175 - 250k? Depends on what DN needs?

@rainyskylight @JenniferBooth I have to agree. The situation sounds truly desperate for the DPs here.

@WedRine he’s fine thanks, but I’m sure you were just trying to be unkind. I think it depends if you swallow @Ghostedbyfriend ‘s story and justification. To me OP cared for the child last year, did it at her parents house for a few hours and would do it if her husband was on board so the issue isn’t really she can’t it’s that it’s too much work and will upset her family and they’d rather not. She obviously doesn’t warm to dsis or dn from her characterisation so I don’t think she should do it. It’s hard enough receiving unkindness from strangers when your life is already hard, but from family it will be very demoralising and dsis already is struggling with her mental health and her very challenging life.

You are clearly projecting and being purposely obtuse. It doesn't matter what the OP says because it doesn't fit with your worldview of mothers of SN children being nothing but all-giving angels, exhausted from spinning all the plates, never getting any me-time or sleep. So you won't believe her anyway. But those are your own prejudices.

I honestly don’t think that’s true @WedRine I know a lot of parents of disabled children and some of them aren’t great (similarly I know a lot of parents of children who aren’t disabled who aren’t great). I haven’t said the sister is an angel, what I said is I don’t think the child should go to the cottage because of the attitudes expressed by OP and her husband. It’s really hard to be with people who think you’re crap, and it’s harder if you’re a single mum because you don’t have a do to back you up, and it’s even harder if your child is disabled. So to my mind OP shouldn’t do it.

You would allow your disabled child to stay with a relative who does not think they are able to meet their needs and keep them safe without additional support? In that case, you are unable to effectively safeguard your child and are a danger

Mainstream schools and LAs do that all the time, so long as it saves money on children with SEN, except I’m talking about children in mainstream schools with the staff.

We had it with an A & E last year over adult DD. They would only let one of us in with her, even though we told them one of us , could not cope with her on our own! It took me several hours of trying to get to speak to the LD nurse, before she came along and told them to let DH in, as per The Equality Act!

Sorry but @WedRine is right, unless you haven't read all of the OP's posts.
OP's sister has a full life, more free time than even parents of NT children as her mother does the bulk of the caring.
I'd go even so far as to say she has a better life than a someone who DOES have a DP but still has to do the bulk of the care.
There are no mental health issues or 'challenging life' you made all of that up.

I would 100% agree with you if you replaced 'sister' with DM because actually it is OP's mum doing most of the work here.

+There are no mental health issues or 'challenging life' you made all of that up.* ?????!!!!!!

From OPs third post
Dsis has mental health issues due to her situation.

So you say you feel drained after looking after your niece for 1 day, how do you think your sister feels the other 364 days of the year??? Help her out fgs! I’ll bet you’re the type of person that says oh thank god I don’t have a disabled child and have to deal with that. No wonder your sister has mental health issues it’s not easy bringing up a SN kid believe me I’ve been doing it for nearly 21 years now. Honestly discrimination at its best!

It’s a very sad situation but it seems your sister works harder at getting others to care for her dd than caring for her herself.
If your sister can’t come along with her dd to the cottage as she wouldn’t be able to cope with dd away from home, then why does she think you would fare any better with her, away from home.
I would again invite your sister and niece to spend a couple of days with you all at the cottage. If she refuses, then that’s your opportunity to open up the conversation about all the points that concern you. Either she comes with her dd and helps orientate her to the new surroundings or neither of them come as you can’t do it alone. You expect her to be there, to be the lead in parenting and you will support and give respite for a hour or so when possible.

Everybody, read the Op’s post properly and stop with the attacks.
Op and her family have had her DN every year inspite of it impacting severely on their own holiday. She is not selfish.
This year her DH has said no. DN is now too big to restrain easily. I can imagine my DH would be quite uncomfortable with restraining a big girl.
Op, the ideal would be a nanny or another adult accompanying you. Your sis would have some down time. I hope she reconsiders visiting with her. Good luck.

I meant to say ‘accepting it will impact severely’

What I've found fascinating is the amount of people saying the mum of the disabled child had 'too much' of a break. Like the people here have decided that the mum is out of order to have too much of a break but the op is fine to limit time with her due to her disability as she is 'too much'. Unless u have a child that needs 24/7 care and cannot be left, how on earth can u genuinely decide what is too much?

This is pretty simple really,as you have said,you dont want her now she is older as she is too much hard work and dont want to put more of a load on your husband,your sister has that 24/7 as a single mum and you judge her for wanting respite!!!

In one way you have NO clue how hard it is to look after a sn child 24/7 especially on your own but on the other hand you have enough of an inkling to not want to do it WITH help for even a few days. Oh and fyi, even night time is eork with sn kids,maybe take her for one night and see!

How is it discriminatory not to do something with the child the mother isn’t prepared to do?

But she’s not taking care of her daughter 364 days a year.

At most she has her daughter for 70 days a year, as the dd is at school 195 days a year and at her parents for 100 days a year.