I want to start approaching men? AIBU?

[ColdSummerHotWinter]

I’m ready to start making the first move. Whenever I see a guy I like, I was always advised to sit back and let him notice me and let him ask him out.

This has left me 28 years old and perpetually single. I’ve only ever been asked out by men I’m not the slightest bit interested in nor do I want to get to know.

I’ve decided next time I like a man. I’m going to make a direct move.How do I do this without coming across brash and masculine though?

For people that are already married - did you decide you mutually like each other from the beginning or did one person pursue the other and then the other person gradually came to like the other person too? How do most relationships begin? I feel like I’m just sitting around and hoping the guy I like likes me back too.

Just ask him out... 😀

All my good long term relationships have started when I made the first move
If he is giving you the right signals go for it!

This really made me laugh. You should totally do it!

And report back on the results

I wish I was more like this now op. I always wait for the guy and it never happens. You have inspired me and I think I might be brave, i too have someone in mind. Go for it Op and good luck.

Paying men compliments go a very long way. Sounds weird, but women get random compliments from everyone and anyone but men rarely do to the same extent.
It's got me into sticky situations because I was just being nice .

"Have you got any plans for this evening? Fancy a drink?"

Or a variation of. You're already conversing with him, so you're halfway there.

I can’t ask anyone to go out for drinks because I don’t drink anymore. I can’t go out for coffee because I don’t like caffeine much now. I think I’ll just ask him if he wants a relationship with me because I would be interested in one too.

Yanbu to approach men but I always found it better to let me approach or pursue me because I often find if a guy is single he will pretty much say yes to any woman who shows an interest even if he isn't that into you, why not you might have sex with him, it might be fun for a bit etc. If you are just looking for fun then what the hell but if you want something serious then just keep that in mind.

A guy who really likes you a lot will make it known and go above and beyond to get your attention and yes risk rejection to ask you out. Obviously I wouldn't date just any guy who asked me out but my best relationships including my marriage have been with men who pursued me.

As for the flirting techniques then they do work, I had read an article on them years ago in a magazine and I had a (male) flatmate so for a laugh I tried them out on him and they actually worked he was suddenly more attracted to me. I think if you can use them that would be the best way forward, incite his interest without being too obvious and make him think its all his idea!

There are a thousand dates that don't involve caffeine or alcohol but aren't as blunt as this.

DH and I went to second hand book shops for example.

You can't just ask someone if they'd like to have a relationship with you without getting to know you first, on dates. Well you can, but chances are they'll be running for the hills. It's a bit much.

You plan on doing this in your initial approach?

Blunt as a sledgehammer. Don't do this 😵‍💫.
Equally, don't do the "accidentally have one boob out and see if he notices (!) suggested earlier. Wtf?!

Learn to use your eyes for full on eye contact, then look down and dip your head with a little smile.
If he doesn't come over, then don’t bother again.

Please, please let him pursue you! Use your feminine charm and flirting and magic to draw his attention. You’re are special and extremely precious! You are right to be concerned about coming too strong. The question ‘how is your flirting?’ , pretty much sums it beautifully. Enjoy the dance and art of flirting and romantic tension. Don’t use the sledge hammer approach if it’s not in your personality. It will feel awkward- what worked for some may or may not work for you. But I am a great believer in the non verbal approach, and in the ‘would you like to have coffee etc etc.’ use hints, eye contact etc. if he likes you, he will pick it up. Let him chase you, but you will not be waiting passively for him. You will be sending strong signals to encourage the chase!!! Draw him out but let him do the final asking.

A glimpse of an ankle may inflame the male passion.
😉😁😁😁

You're being terribly literal. Asking someone for coffee or a drink is just shorthand for ‘do you want to spend some time together because I fancy you?’ It does not commit you to drinking alcohol or caffeinated beverages.

Have a soft drink.

Keep the stakes low. Helps him, and you if he says no.

All these posters coming on saying 'I just grabbed my DH the first time I met him and kissed him.' Right, sure you did.

This is so easy. Invite him to the cinema, a quick shared sandwich for weekday lunch, join you for a walk with your dog. What do you enjoy? Does he share the interest, does his interests overlap even slightly? Then do that thing together. Low investment, cool. Always better to do some 'thing' in any case to avoid awkwardly gawping each other over coffee/pints not knowing what to say.

@MrsTerryPratchett

"Head slightly cocked, look at his mouth. Sit a bit too close."

+++

My Border Terrier does this which means he either needs a wee or wants feeding.

I think I’ll just ask him if he wants a relationship with me because I would be interested in one too.

I’d find that rather weird if a woman said that to me.

Usually people go on dates first. Hopefully the dates are fun for both of them, which means they make it a bit more official, which is the relationship stage. Then it may last or fizzle out.

I don't drink, and I never liked tea or coffee, but you can still ask them for a drink/coffee. You just have Coke or juice or water. What you're actually asking for is a chat with seats and a table. The beverage is basically rent for the table, because coffee shops and pubs need to try and make a profit.

Also, it's best to avoid the conversation, "I don't mean a literal coffee in my case, because I don't drink it, nor tea..." Not until they bring up the incredulous question of, "you don't drink tea or coffee?" anyway...

How mumsnetters do it.

This is very good advice and ensures that you get to date the men you actually want to date rather than simply the ones that approach you.

It also explains why all the good men seem to get taken first.

I've read about this on Female Dating Strategy.

The reason they say not to approach is this:

Men have been socialised to go after what they want. If they see 'the woman of their dreams' walk past, they WILL ask her on a date.

AND men are happy to have a 'bed warmer'. They will happily fuck someone they don't actually even like. If you offer yourself up on a plate, they'll not say no, BUT they won't be invested.

You'll end up in an 'engaged for 5 years, living together for 12' situation.