I want to start approaching men? AIBU?

[ColdSummerHotWinter]

I’m ready to start making the first move. Whenever I see a guy I like, I was always advised to sit back and let him notice me and let him ask him out.

This has left me 28 years old and perpetually single. I’ve only ever been asked out by men I’m not the slightest bit interested in nor do I want to get to know.

I’ve decided next time I like a man. I’m going to make a direct move.How do I do this without coming across brash and masculine though?

For people that are already married - did you decide you mutually like each other from the beginning or did one person pursue the other and then the other person gradually came to like the other person too? How do most relationships begin? I feel like I’m just sitting around and hoping the guy I like likes me back too.

This is really bizarre, don't do this. You can go for "drinks" and not drink alcohol, you can go to a cafe and not have caffeine.
Asking if someone wants to be in a relationship with you rather than on a date is not a normal tactic and a bit primary school. You need to actually date in order to get to know each other.

Well I've been happily married for 20 years and have 3 dc with the man I asked out, so personally I'd say this 'female dating strategy' is a load of crap.

I have been happily married for 46 years and I was the one to approach DH, (this obviously was during the 1970's) I wanted to go out with someone I actually liked the look of, and this just wasn't happening. Once I took the initiative things were so much better. Okay I got some pushbacks, but on the whole it was better, I was in control, not waiting around in the vain hope the perfect man for me would miraculously appear at my feet.

This is why FDS is a load of bull. Men are encouraged, I suppose, to go after what they want more than women. Still hell and all men are terrified to ask out women just like a lot of women are. How come the super attractive women always complain that no one ever asks them out? The answer is usually the men are intimated/don't think they are good enough. So imo there is insecurity on both sides. Asking a man on a date needn't be masculine, desperate or offering up your bed. It could just be a kind offer. Man gets to agree or refuse. If he accepts he'll probably be relieved you asked.

AND men are happy to have a 'bed warmer'. They will happily fuck someone they don't actually even like. If you offer yourself up on a plate, they'll not say no, BUT they won't be invested

FFS men are not one homogeneous being. Fairly sure at least a few of them even have some standards of behaviour.

Anyway OP yes I'd be quite direct now if I had to date I think. I don't think I'm much of a flirter but I'd probably ask someone out for a drink directly. You face the possibility of rejection but that's probably quicker/easier to deal with than the constant 'why isn't anyone approaching me' thoughts.

Eye contact. Its never failed me. If they aren't interested then don't keep giving the eye contact back. (I do not mean staring non stop at them) if the eye contact works then make a move if they haven't.
or if you know them already? then yeah just see if they want to meet for drink, you don't have to drink caffeine or alcohol once you are wherever you arrange to go.

should say 'if they aren't interested then they don't keep giving eye contact back'

@HazelBite

"I was in control, not waiting around in the vain hope the perfect man for me would miraculously appear at my feet."

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Exactly this - FDS and other such self help books/ strategies etc are complete bollocks.

Life is busy so if you come across a man you really like then don't piss around with subtle ploys, hair tossing etc just get on with it and ask him out. Otherwise you might not get the chance again or someone else will whilst you are dicking around with furtive glances and coy smiles.

I often made the first move when I was young and drunk, didn't think anything of it. Now I wouldn't after being burned very badly after finding out I was a bed warmer for 25 years. I want someone to put the effort in and come after me now and if they can't be bothered then I'd rather be on my own.

That's what would put me off. I know it was probably just bad luck, but I also made the first move once with an ex (he'd liked me for a while but was too afraid to initiate anything he said) and we were together for a while. That timidity, fear, and passivity, were really annoying traits that permeated every area of his life.

Yes, I think that is the only potential downside to making the first move, if you’ve basically made it very easy for someone timid, passive, lazy or oblivious to enter into a relationship with you without venturing out of their tiny comfort zone. Which you may then find yourself trapped in, if the novelty of a new relationship has temporarily animated them, and you’re married with children before realising your married to someone who gets stomach ulcers at the mere idea of doing anything new or mildly risky (like moving to a new area or holidaying anywhere other than the same campsite…).

It’s a risk with any relationship, obviously, though.

I often want feeding and DH obliges so I suppose that works.

Can't agree more.

Brash and masculine sounds so offensive and thankfully old fashioned.

surely you can tell when someone fancies you, then you can start a conversation or extend the conversation to ask them out or similar.

I think the whole point of this thread is that there are many people (quite likely ND) who don't find it easy to read others' intentions/communicate approximately

The person who made the boob out suggestion made it clear in the post that that advice was not to be taken seriously!

Bullshit on several levels really.

Most men I've known have been shit at reading signals while also being terrified of seeming creepy, and hence have squandered a lot of opportunities to approach. (They got a lot better with age and experience though, so I guess this depends what age range you're looking for.) The ones who are good at pursuing what they want tend to be the ones who pursue a LOT of women, because they're good at getting them. Not relationship material imo.

Refusing to make the first move because you might end up in limbo 12 years down the line is bizarre. If you feel the relationship is getting stagnant two months, five months, two years or five years in, you can end it. It's not a trap.

Also, if we're talking about making the first move - babes, of course he's not invested in you. You shouldn't be invested in him either. You haven't been on a first date yet. You don't know anything about each other. You don't know each other's stories or habits. Getting invested in someone properly takes time, love at first sight doesn't exist. Why on earth should he be so invested in some woman he doesn't know to navigate her absurd game-playing?

Anyway, my advice is always to approach if you want, and if you find a way you're comfortable with. Love, one of those MNers who drunkenly kissed their future DP within half an hour of first meeting him at a party.

Men have been socialised to go after what they want. If they see 'the woman of their dreams' walk past, they WILL ask her on a date.

Bollocks @LylaLee . Shy men exist, you know.

@LylaLee

"Men have been socialised to go after what they want. If they see 'the woman of their dreams' walk past, they WILL ask her on a date"

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Bollocks - decent men are worried about being accused of harassment.