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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are threesomes normal

111 replies

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:05

Not sure if I'm just a sheltered person, but I have recently recentlyish divorced. My ex was a serial cheater and its taken a while to recover from this. Before we met he slept with over a hundred women and was very open about this, and had a threesome. Looking back the amount of women and how he talked about them was a red flag and I'm obviously nervous I miss red flags again, or let red flags lie!. A have started a new relationship and its going well he is very nice. We are 3 months in and at the weekend we were discussing things and he had a threesome with his ex wife. He has slept with a normal number of people not like my ex but is this a red flag? Or is it just a normal thing that people do. I've made it clear im not into that and he didn't say it in a way that felt like he wanted me to do it at all, I just need some help around recognising red flags!

IABU: it's not a big deal you're connecting the past with the present
IANBU: it could be a red flag and needs further thought

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 22/08/2023 20:36

Given the context, I wouldnt be concerned at all - it comes off more like taking the opportunity to be open or, forgive the phrasing "own up" at the start than have it come out after a few years when you might then wonder why he "hid" the information.

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 20:38

@Deathbyfluffy

Ah…really? Like really really?
I can believe you don’t want to make it a reality if you have a serious partner for all sorts of emotional and pragmatic reasons. But surely most men fantasise about it?

Tomhanksismine · 22/08/2023 20:42

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 20:35

@Tomhanksismine

thanks! Interesting. I am very old now but wouldn’t have totally counted one out if circumstances had arisen. But it never did and it’s not something I feel I have missed out on. My partner has had them and also some other experiences I haven’t. I think it always makes the other partner wonder if they look back on wilder times with rose coloured specs. Really interesting to hear you never think about it unless mentioned. He would say the same. I struggle to understand that sometimes and worry he finds out monogamous vanilla(Ish 😂) sex life boring.

I hand on heart can tell you that what you have with your partner will be better than any past threesome he had. Sex when in love is completely different to a silly threesome that is nothing like you see in the movies. I could happily live not ever having those experiences. I hope this helps x

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 21:19

@Tomhanksismine

yes. I believe you. Thanks.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/08/2023 02:55

I've had two threesomes, both in my teens. There is an idea that men benefit the most but in my limited experience the man is more of an observer.

I don't want another one. I would never want to share my partner.

This was very harmless fun. Nothing to right home about, but no shame in doing it.

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 11:00

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/08/2023 02:55

I've had two threesomes, both in my teens. There is an idea that men benefit the most but in my limited experience the man is more of an observer.

I don't want another one. I would never want to share my partner.

This was very harmless fun. Nothing to right home about, but no shame in doing it.

Well, surely that depends on whether the threesome consists of two women and a man, or two men and a woman? I would have zero interest in having sex with another woman so a man could watch. That's not the point of a threesome at all as far as I'm concerned!

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/08/2023 12:09

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 11:00

Well, surely that depends on whether the threesome consists of two women and a man, or two men and a woman? I would have zero interest in having sex with another woman so a man could watch. That's not the point of a threesome at all as far as I'm concerned!

Show quote history

I agree! I'm just sharing my experience.

I prefer sex with women, so for me I was perfectly happy with the situation as it unfolded.
It was impromptu in both cases, and I had no expectations.

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 12:12

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/08/2023 12:09

I agree! I'm just sharing my experience.

I prefer sex with women, so for me I was perfectly happy with the situation as it unfolded.
It was impromptu in both cases, and I had no expectations.

Show quote history

Gotcha. That makes sense for you, but as I'm very much only attracted to men, that's probably why I assume I'd end up getting left out of a threesome that involved another woman as well as a man. Clearly I need a threesome in which both other people are men....

JamSandle · 23/08/2023 12:15

I've fantasised about them but never had one and never been in a relationship where it was on the table.

I lean vanilla sexually in practice but it doesn't bother me :)

GreyCarpet · 23/08/2023 12:18

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/08/2023 02:55

I've had two threesomes, both in my teens. There is an idea that men benefit the most but in my limited experience the man is more of an observer.

I don't want another one. I would never want to share my partner.

This was very harmless fun. Nothing to right home about, but no shame in doing it.

Same.

I had two threesomes in my late teens. MMF so then weren't casual observers. It was fun at the time but I wouldn't do it again and I certainly wouldn't do it in a relationship. They were friends of mine at a time when we were all fairly sexually casual 🤷🏻‍♀️

Libraryloiterer · 23/08/2023 12:21

Flapjacker48 · 21/08/2023 11:48

More common in upper middle class relationships. Less common in lower middle.

I'm dying, only on Mumsnet can threesomes get turned into a class signifier 🤣🤣🤣

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