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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are threesomes normal

111 replies

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:05

Not sure if I'm just a sheltered person, but I have recently recentlyish divorced. My ex was a serial cheater and its taken a while to recover from this. Before we met he slept with over a hundred women and was very open about this, and had a threesome. Looking back the amount of women and how he talked about them was a red flag and I'm obviously nervous I miss red flags again, or let red flags lie!. A have started a new relationship and its going well he is very nice. We are 3 months in and at the weekend we were discussing things and he had a threesome with his ex wife. He has slept with a normal number of people not like my ex but is this a red flag? Or is it just a normal thing that people do. I've made it clear im not into that and he didn't say it in a way that felt like he wanted me to do it at all, I just need some help around recognising red flags!

IABU: it's not a big deal you're connecting the past with the present
IANBU: it could be a red flag and needs further thought

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 21/08/2023 21:46

The only people I know who've had threesomes are a bit gross. It would be a big turn off for me definitely, not a red flag, just not for me.

PicnicBunny · 21/08/2023 23:13

If he’s not up for some man in man action with a sexy guy of your choice… then it’s not equal and is a big ego dick move to fetishize women. I’d say it’s a massive red flag. But if he’s up for communal open relationship sex because it’s alllll goood, then it’s normal and probably a lifestyle choice. But still, not everyone’s cup of tea.

RedToothBrush · 21/08/2023 23:21

Does it bother you?

If it didn't, you wouldn't have started this thread.

So the fact you've started a thread says to me that it leaves you feeling deeply uncomfortable and that suggests to me that you see sex differently to him. THAT'S the red flag.

If it was something that you thought ok that's interesting or ooo I wouldnt mind doing it or were totally indifferent to, it'd be fine.

But it's not okay because you are dwelling on it and it bothers you and it doesn't make you feel secure when feeling secure is what you are looking for in a relationship.

You want to start from a place of trust. You are always going to be wondering and second guessing this guy.

Longagonow96 · 22/08/2023 04:06

Lwrenagain · 21/08/2023 11:40

I think I'm the only one of my friends who hasn't tbh.

Wouldn't overthink this x

You have some weird friends. Never known anyone who would even consider it. Anyway who cares? If you don't want to, don't.

Lwrenagain · 22/08/2023 04:18

@Longagonow96 I don't think being comfortable to have sexual experiences outside of the usual really makes them weird.

They're massively weird for other reasons, but not for how they conduct themselves sexually.

I wouldn't fancy it personally so haven't bothered but each to their own.

JanglingJack · 22/08/2023 04:30

I think if you're fooling round single in your 20s then no problem, ending rolling round in bed with anyone (not me of course, definitely not!) But it's not something I could do in a committed relationship. Have chatted it about it sure, but ex was worried that a woman would pleasure me more than he could, and another man was out of the question.

I was shocked when our 18 year work experience lad went off with 2 female friends on our Xmas do. I'm getting old 🤣

Deargodletitgo · 22/08/2023 04:47

"no one i know has had one"

How would you know what people get up to in the privacy of their own beds or relationships?

Sex isn't like Scouts, people don't wear badges to indicate what they have done... Ooh look, just got my 3sum badge, on my way to my swingers badge next...

StarlightLady · 22/08/2023 07:28

Without wishing to derail the key issue. For those saying that they do not know anyone whose had a threesome, l bet you do!

Not many people would go to work on a Monday and say “guess what happened at the weekend!” Discretion can be a wonderful thing.

VestaTilley · 22/08/2023 07:30

YANBU. It is very much not the norm, and most people would never do it.

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 09:27

I was asking myself these very questions when my ex pressured me into all sorts and tried to pressure me into threesomes, being fucked in front of him by someone else, being a prize in some gay wrestling competition, being tied up, spat on, urinated on, degraded etc. etc. etc.

Some of it I succumbed to over a five year period but most I could not bring myself to but this caused a feeling of fear and inadequacy that saw me be beaten down mentally into a permanently depressed husk believing I was wholly inadequate, and allowing him to use that feeling to make me feel inadequate in every part of my life.

Each time I let him do something, he would use that to immediately, and I mean straight after sex, pressure me into the next thing.

I felt like there was something wrong with me. It may sound small but it bled into every area of my life and almost made me think about leaving this world.

Instead I left him, and now I will never put up with sexual pressure for even a moment. I realise that just wanting safe sex that makes me feel loved is absolutely fine and even if it were abnormal that's me.

I realise that being "boring" is fine and I don't have to perform for anyone.

Even if the man hints at wanting to think about pressuring me that will be it.

I would consider mentioning the threesome more than once pressure.

EllaPaella · 22/08/2023 09:34

That's awful @whatwhatinthebutt so sorry you went through that 😢

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 09:37

EllaPaella · 22/08/2023 09:34

That's awful @whatwhatinthebutt so sorry you went through that 😢

Thank you.

Deathbyfluffy · 22/08/2023 09:38

KajsaKavat · 21/08/2023 11:41

A lot of people have threesomes on the to do list. I’ve done a few and they were always pretty meh
it’s a whole porn hub category soooo I think mainly men feel they should have done it.

Man here - and I couldn't think of anything worse. It just doesn't appeal to me at all

Wakintoblueskies · 22/08/2023 09:46

whatwhatinthebutt I’m so sorry you went through that.

I think reading threads like these where people normalise threesomes can put some people, who aren’t confident enough in themselves, to agree.
Threesomes are not a normal part of a relationship despite what you might read to the contrary. They are being seen as normal because the porn industry normalises them.9
Some people engage in them if both parties agree but for the most part, one partner seems to to along with it to keep the other happy.
Stay true to your own boundaries.
OP your partner wants more, she/he isn’t the right partner for you.

Foxblue · 22/08/2023 10:06

Hold on, not sure why people are leaping to the conclusion that because his wife got jealous and thought he enjoyed the interaction more with the neighbour than her that means she was coerced.
How about, they both wanted to try it, they did, and his wife discovered she got jealous and read so letting into it that wasn't there. Or, maybe was there, as they were having problems - STILL DOESNT MEAN HE COERCED HER THOUGH.
Kudos to the people on this thread going 'it's not for me, but takes all sorts'
And to the people going 'I'd think there's something wrong/it's really unusual how can you possibly know anyone whose had a threesome/not the sign of a loving person' - if you don't want to do it, that's fine! But casting ill-informed judgement on other people....wow.

VanGoghsDog · 22/08/2023 12:28

Deathbyfluffy · 22/08/2023 09:38

Man here - and I couldn't think of anything worse. It just doesn't appeal to me at all

Show quote history

I always think "at least there'd be someone to make the tea".

ShineLikeA · 22/08/2023 12:40

VanGoghsDog · 22/08/2023 12:28

I always think "at least there'd be someone to make the tea".

Show quote history

See, I always imagine I'd be the one left neglected on the edge of the bed, while the other two were rolling about clawing one another's backs etc etc.

Optimistic, me.

EhrlicheFrau · 22/08/2023 12:47

I wouldn't say it's the norm to have threesomes within a relationship, but I also wouldn't say that anyone who does is somehow not 'normal' either. One person's normal might be another person's crazy and another person's normal might be a different person's dull and boring. You have to decide what you are ok with, and, importantly, that nobody feels pressured into doing anything they don't feel comfortable with (at any point).

EBearhug · 22/08/2023 15:44

I don't think you'd necessarily know who has had a threesome or not, because as someone has mentioned, you're not likely to hear them mentioning it in the office on Monday morning.

I did meet my then boyfriend's cousin for the first time unexpectedly at a swingers party, mind you... they don't teach you the vocab for that in language classes. (They were German. We were in Germany.)

I think it's a very common fantasy, but not everyone enacts it. There's a big risk of it becoming a pair and a spare. Also, if you go jnto it as a partnership (rather than 3 singles,) you would need to be sure you're both on the same page, two women and a man, or two men and a woman. I've been surprised at how many men on OLD have asked me if I'd be up for a threesome with another man; I had assumed most men dreamed about FFM. They can sort out their own matchmaking. You also both need to fancy the other person involved. (I suppose technically you don't, but I don't recommend sex with someone you don't fancy.)

There can be enough difficulties in just a 1:1 relationship- it's even more complex with a third person, and it's rarely equal - usually one person is more into it, especially in an established relationship, and it can take a strong relationship to raise any misgivings. I think all these reasons feed into why far more people fantasise about it than make it reality.

But it wouldn't matter if everyone else in the world are having threesomes (they're not.) You're still allowed to have a hard no on it. I think it's fine to discuss it, but any hint of pressure is a red flag.

Valeriekat · 22/08/2023 19:25

Tomhanksismine · 21/08/2023 11:16

I wouldn't say it's a red flag. I've had two threesomes in my twenties and it's no biggie.

Nor to you maybe!

Wallywobbles · 22/08/2023 19:49

I know the ex wife of a chap who proposed a threesome. Hi wife ran off with (and married) the other woman. He's not best pleased.

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 20:08

Tomhanksismine · 21/08/2023 11:16

I wouldn't say it's a red flag. I've had two threesomes in my twenties and it's no biggie.

Just out of interest how old are you now? Do you regret it? Do you think of it as just an event? Genuinely interested as I've never had one but my partner has and sometimes it worries me.

magicalkitty · 22/08/2023 20:20

Wallywobbles · 22/08/2023 19:49

I know the ex wife of a chap who proposed a threesome. Hi wife ran off with (and married) the other woman. He's not best pleased.

That's hilarious Grin

Tomhanksismine · 22/08/2023 20:28

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 20:08

Just out of interest how old are you now? Do you regret it? Do you think of it as just an event? Genuinely interested as I've never had one but my partner has and sometimes it worries me.

Show quote history

So I'm in my early thirties now.

I dont regret it because I wasn't in a serious relationship when they took place and it was just a bit of experimental fun. They weren't planned and both times inhibitions were lowered with alcohol! Also they were with a close friend so we were both comfortable.

I genuinely NEVER think back to it unless threesomes are mentioned.

I however would definitely NOT do it when feelings are involved, someone will end up hurt. Hell would freeze over before I shared my current partner 😂

Clothearedrabbit · 22/08/2023 20:35

@Tomhanksismine

thanks! Interesting. I am very old now but wouldn’t have totally counted one out if circumstances had arisen. But it never did and it’s not something I feel I have missed out on. My partner has had them and also some other experiences I haven’t. I think it always makes the other partner wonder if they look back on wilder times with rose coloured specs. Really interesting to hear you never think about it unless mentioned. He would say the same. I struggle to understand that sometimes and worry he finds out monogamous vanilla(Ish 😂) sex life boring.