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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are threesomes normal

111 replies

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:05

Not sure if I'm just a sheltered person, but I have recently recentlyish divorced. My ex was a serial cheater and its taken a while to recover from this. Before we met he slept with over a hundred women and was very open about this, and had a threesome. Looking back the amount of women and how he talked about them was a red flag and I'm obviously nervous I miss red flags again, or let red flags lie!. A have started a new relationship and its going well he is very nice. We are 3 months in and at the weekend we were discussing things and he had a threesome with his ex wife. He has slept with a normal number of people not like my ex but is this a red flag? Or is it just a normal thing that people do. I've made it clear im not into that and he didn't say it in a way that felt like he wanted me to do it at all, I just need some help around recognising red flags!

IABU: it's not a big deal you're connecting the past with the present
IANBU: it could be a red flag and needs further thought

OP posts:
BlindBlondeDog · 21/08/2023 11:11

The threesome of itself isn't a red flag, the red flag is if he forced or coerced his ex into it or if the third person was the wife's sister or mother or something odd like that.
I would wonder about boundaries, if your ideas about sex aligns, if this is a constant 'kink' or an experience in the past that he doesn't care if he ever repeats again. I think if you are more sexually conservative you might find his experiences a turn off. I think look about what it could mean for your relationship and say about him as a person. It's very difficult to find someone with a limited past these days. I don't think people change very much so his past is part of who he is.

KimberleyClark · 21/08/2023 11:13

I wouldn’t say never having done a threesome constitutes a limited past.

Tomhanksismine · 21/08/2023 11:16

I wouldn't say it's a red flag. I've had two threesomes in my twenties and it's no biggie.

itsmyp4rty · 21/08/2023 11:19

I don't know anyone that does (at least not openly) and can't imagine anyone i know doing it. Personally I can't imagine being married and having a threesome and so someone who thought that was no big deal probably wouldn't be right for me.

It depends what you're ok with OP, it doesn't mean that he's a cheater or that he's not a cheater, it's just impossible to know unfortunately. I've had exes who slept with countless people when they were young but are now married and completely settled. But anyone can be a cheat, even the nicest seeming, quietest person who's only slept with a handful of people.

taxguru · 21/08/2023 11:22

I wouldn't regard it as a red flag on it's own. Do you know whether it was him or his ex-wife who wanted it? It it were me, I'd just make my feelings VERY clear if it was something I'd not want to happen - make it a deal breaker. Then see his reaction and what he does next. He may be a "good un" and just wanting to be upfront and honest about his past experiences. Or he may be sounding you out as to whether you'd be up for it for him to decide whether to continue the relationship or not if you're not interested in that kind of thing. I think you have to look at the bigger picture, context, etc.

Sparklesocks · 21/08/2023 11:25

I guess it’s how you define ‘normal’. I wouldn’t say normal in the sense that the majority of people have them, but it’s quite a popular fantasy and pretty vanilla compared to intense kinkiness. It’s difficult to say if it’s a red flag without context, as others have asked - did his ex want it too or was she pushed into it? Or was it a mutual fantasy they decided to explore? Was their sex life getting a bit dry so they decided to explore it to spice things up? Etc.

Spreadbed · 21/08/2023 11:34

I don’t think it’s normal in the sense that most people have them, but I don’t think it’s that unusual. I don’t think it’s a red flag as long as everyone involved was happy with the arrangement and it was consensual.

Ohyousillydivvy · 21/08/2023 11:35

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Stop dating for a while and concentrate on building on yourself and establishing boundaries. Do the freedom course to recognise red flags in future relationships.

The Freedom Programme Online Course

The Freedom Programme online course. Online version of the Home Study course and Living with the Dominator book by Pat Craven

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

LubaLuca · 21/08/2023 11:38

Spreadbed · 21/08/2023 11:34

I don’t think it’s normal in the sense that most people have them, but I don’t think it’s that unusual. I don’t think it’s a red flag as long as everyone involved was happy with the arrangement and it was consensual.

Agreed. A threesome isn't part of most people's experience or desires, but it's not so unusual I'd be worried about the character of anyone who has been involved with one.

Iclyn · 21/08/2023 11:40

If your a committed couple and both want a threesome , then that's normal.

If you don't , then don't , that's normal.

If one half does , and the other not , that's a problem and you'd probably better off not being together.

Lwrenagain · 21/08/2023 11:40

I think I'm the only one of my friends who hasn't tbh.

Wouldn't overthink this x

KajsaKavat · 21/08/2023 11:41

A lot of people have threesomes on the to do list. I’ve done a few and they were always pretty meh
it’s a whole porn hub category soooo I think mainly men feel they should have done it.

Haretest · 21/08/2023 11:42

Very normal in my circle but most of us aren't married!

Circumferences · 21/08/2023 11:44

I wouldn't consider it a "red flag" as such.
On it's own I wouldn't assume it makes someone a cheater or a closet gay (eg of he wants threesome with another man- he may just want to watch you enjoy yourself).

But in combination with other behaviours such as excessive porn use, kinks, regular misogynistic or lewd comments or a basic disregard for your feelings, I might see it as a red flag.
I'd consider everything in a wider context.

Yellowflower47 · 21/08/2023 11:44

I don’t really know anyone who has had one. BUT the most important thing is whether you think he might be into them in general and would want one again in future, and if so, would you want to do it? There’s no right or wrong and no one can tell you if this makes him any more or less likely to cheat sadly!

Original poster
Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:47

Thanks everyone this is really helpful. I particularly like the freedom course. So not that unusual and not a red flag in itself. I have been clear on not into it and they way it came up was around a big discussion about cheating and sex. It seemed like a mutual thing they did with a neighbour one night when things weren't great between them and never did again but they split up not long after that. I didn't get the impression it would be something he was bothered about and I said that's not what I will do and the conversation just moved on. I don't want to split up with him because other than that it's going well and I've done a lot of work on myself with a Counselor on boundaries.

OP posts:
Flapjacker48 · 21/08/2023 11:48

More common in upper middle class relationships. Less common in lower middle.

Seaswimmingforthesoul · 21/08/2023 11:48

It very much depends on the person and their preferences and boundaries.

Personally, I never have, never would, and I would have really struggled if my husband had had one in the past. It isn't something I am remotely interested in, sex to me is about a loving connection between two people.

But... some people may see my view as prudish and find threesomes are a fun, natural part of their sex life. And that's OK too.

Either is fine, you just need to decide on YOUR boundaries and don't compromise from them.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 21/08/2023 11:48

As PPs have said the threesome in itself is not a red flag but I would question why he told you about it and how that conversation came about.

I’m not sure I’ve ever discussed the sex I’ve had with an ex to a new partner.

Most people don’t have threesomes but they’re not uncommon, either to try and spice a relationship up (which rarely works) or just when you’re young and adventurous.

Nosleepforthismum · 21/08/2023 11:49

I may be cynical but it sounds like he’s testing the waters to see your reaction to this information. I’d take it as he’d quite like another threesome and is casually mentioning it to see if you are appalled or not. Put it this way, if he’d had a threesome and decided it wasn’t for him he probably wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. I wouldn’t…

ShineLikeA · 21/08/2023 11:50

Flapjacker48 · 21/08/2023 11:48

More common in upper middle class relationships. Less common in lower middle.

Well, that's a more amusing contribution to the endless 'Am I middle-class, and if so, which bit of the middle class?' threads...

pontipinemum · 21/08/2023 11:50

Not a red flag. I haven't had a 3 some but I don't think they are exactly unheard of.

It doesn't sound like he is trying to press you into one, so it's just something he tried in his past.

Crowfinch · 21/08/2023 11:52

Flapjacker48 · 21/08/2023 11:48

More common in upper middle class relationships. Less common in lower middle.

Love it.

Class really is the cornerstone of mumsnet!

Original poster
Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:52

I plucked up the courage to ask if he had ever cheated on anyone he said not in actual relationships (ie when he had casual grilfriends in his early 20s) but then when on to say his ex felt he had cheated as they had a threesome with a neighbour and he seemed to 'enjoy' her more then he did his ex.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 11:54

No Idea if they are common but I would rather than clean under the fridge thank have one and if dh was into them he would have to organise it first so all good here I presume

Be happy on your own first may help