Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are threesomes normal

111 replies

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:05

Not sure if I'm just a sheltered person, but I have recently recentlyish divorced. My ex was a serial cheater and its taken a while to recover from this. Before we met he slept with over a hundred women and was very open about this, and had a threesome. Looking back the amount of women and how he talked about them was a red flag and I'm obviously nervous I miss red flags again, or let red flags lie!. A have started a new relationship and its going well he is very nice. We are 3 months in and at the weekend we were discussing things and he had a threesome with his ex wife. He has slept with a normal number of people not like my ex but is this a red flag? Or is it just a normal thing that people do. I've made it clear im not into that and he didn't say it in a way that felt like he wanted me to do it at all, I just need some help around recognising red flags!

IABU: it's not a big deal you're connecting the past with the present
IANBU: it could be a red flag and needs further thought

OP posts:
Summerrainagain1 · 21/08/2023 11:55

It's probably normal for some. But it wouldn't be something I would want to do, so I would probably be a bit concerned this was something this guy was into and would expect from me later on. I would have to ask a few more questions on that. It's not really a matter of it being a red flag or abnormal, more just about being on the same page sexually.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/08/2023 11:58

They aren't the norm no, most people don't have them.

Lillygolightly · 21/08/2023 11:58

I think it’s not necessarily a red flag, I think it’s important how he views it though.

This is the sort of thing that falls into 1 of 2 categories:

  1. Once in a lifetime experience/bucket list kind of thing

  2. Experimental leading to possible kink type thing

Nothing particularly wrong with either of the above, lots of people experiment and lots of people do something only once to just sort of tick it off the list. If you’ve made it clear it’s not something you would ever be into and he’s clear that it’s not something he would want you to indulge in or feel deprived of if you didn’t then I wouldn’t be too bothered.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 21/08/2023 12:01

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:52

I plucked up the courage to ask if he had ever cheated on anyone he said not in actual relationships (ie when he had casual grilfriends in his early 20s) but then when on to say his ex felt he had cheated as they had a threesome with a neighbour and he seemed to 'enjoy' her more then he did his ex.

I wouldn’t see this as a red flag then as he was just answering your question honestly.

ManateeFair · 21/08/2023 12:02

I don't really think the word 'normal' is at all helpful here, because while I don't think there's anything wrong with threesomes (I've never had one and wouldn't want one, really, but I wouldn't be shocked if someone told me they'd had one) I think that calling it 'normal' paves the way for people to accuse their partners of being uptight or boring or not-normal if they say no to it.

I don't think threesomes are a niche sexual activity, but I also think most people have never had one, if that makes sense?

As with anything, the key thing is consent and that everyone's really into it. It's definitely one that everyone needs to be enthusiastic about rather than just doing it to keep their partner happy.

I don't think it's a red flag at all that he's had a threesome. I might question why he felt the need to tell you about it, though. You haven't been seeing each for very long and to me, that feels like either over-sharing (I would not want to know what my partner had done in bed with their ex tbh) or an attempt to gauge your reaction so he can assess whether to start suggesting it as something he wants to do with you. However, only you know what the context of the conversation was like, so I could be way off the mark.

titchy · 21/08/2023 12:03

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:52

I plucked up the courage to ask if he had ever cheated on anyone he said not in actual relationships (ie when he had casual grilfriends in his early 20s) but then when on to say his ex felt he had cheated as they had a threesome with a neighbour and he seemed to 'enjoy' her more then he did his ex.

That suggests his ex wasn't really into it, and was possibly coerced. I wonder if he suggested it as a way to try and sorted their relationship problems out....? Honestly, I think this isn't the right bloke for you, you need to be far more assertive and far less questioning 'is this normal'. I'd suggest you still need some boundary work.

RampantIvy · 21/08/2023 12:04

KimberleyClark · 21/08/2023 11:13

I wouldn’t say never having done a threesome constitutes a limited past.

Seriously Hmm

RitzyMcFitzy · 21/08/2023 12:07

Flapjacker48 · 21/08/2023 11:48

More common in upper middle class relationships. Less common in lower middle.

This is so Mumsnet.

Next we'll get Nancy Mitford's take on threesomes.

RudsyFarmer · 21/08/2023 12:07

I think people are just more free now in terms of trying out things sexually. My ex had had a threesome with his ex wife and NEVER wanted to do it again 🤣 I was open to different things but obviously that was something he didn’t want to go through again. Apparently it was awkward as fuck.

WaltzingWaters · 21/08/2023 12:12

I had one once whilst I was young, free, and single as a bit of fun, as did a few friends. This was when I was travelling and casual sex was very normal. I couldn’t imagine having one with my long-term partner. I don’t want to share him! I really enjoyed it, but it was a one time thing and I’ve no desire to do it again.

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a warning sign unless it’s something he regularly fantasises about or watches excessive threesome porn.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 21/08/2023 12:16

I’ve had a threesome.

And I’ve never cheated.

so no, not necessarily a red flag IMO.

the question about enjoyment / ex accusing him of cheating… doesn’t sound like it was a good / happy relationship.

Maybe that was up to him. Of it was up to her or they simply weren’t a good, which wouldn’t be red flags either.

GigiAnnna · 21/08/2023 12:20

I wouldn't say it's a normal thing to do in a relationship but it's not an unusual thing to have done if someone's got an experienced sexual past. I don't think it's a red flag unless it turns out he still wants to do things like that and you don't. I've had a threesome. I had quite an adventurous sexual past and a threesome was something that happened in the heat of the moment but have no interest in doing again now I'm married, and even if I was still single I don't think I would.

Hoosemover · 21/08/2023 12:21

RitzyMcFitzy · 21/08/2023 12:07

This is so Mumsnet.

Next we'll get Nancy Mitford's take on threesomes.

Show quote history

@RitzyMcFitzy @Flapjacker48 obviously someone has now watched Open House on channel 4. There are all lower middle class (and that’s bring generous with the description)

MillWood85 · 21/08/2023 12:24

I can't ever imagine a circumstance under which I could remotely tempted to do this.

I'd be very concerned about it, but equally appreciate that we're all different.

Isitautumnyet23 · 21/08/2023 12:27

Not normal in any way. None of my close friends have had one (or their keeping it secret). Friends 30’s-40’s, mixture of married/divorced. I suppose you could see it as a positive hes being honest with you, but it would totally put me off.

VanGoghsDog · 21/08/2023 12:28

Ask him who the other man was......

Original poster
Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 12:33

It was two women and one man not two men.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 21/08/2023 12:36

It sounds like it just came up in conversation and he answered honestly. Not a red flag. Sounds like he told you, you said that's not your thing, end of discussion. I don't like assigning "normal* to sexual activity, unless legality issues are in question.

ChoccyBickies · 21/08/2023 12:38

No. 3somes are not normal.

I've not lead a sheltered life and don't know anyone who does this.

CurlewKate · 21/08/2023 12:41

Like most "everybody does it!" stuff it'a a way of men getting what they want.

Yes, I know some women like it too, before anyone says it.

CurlewKate · 21/08/2023 12:43

@VanGoghsDog "Ask him who the other man was..."

Always a good question in such circumstances......

Smineusername · 21/08/2023 12:45

I think him bringing it up shows that he's a bit immature. Why would you need to know? The only reasons for sharing are either to make you feel insecure or to prime you to expect more of the same. I probably would treat it as a red flag tbh.

Mummy08m · 21/08/2023 12:48

I know several friends who have done threesomes (not with each other) but I personally would never do one. I think it's ok to be sexually conservative. I'm obviously still happily friends with my friends who do threesomes and who go to sex parties but I would draw the line at dating a man who would or has done that, because it's a mismatch in values. It doesn't need to be a red flag, it's enough of a deal breaker if it's just a mismatch in values.

TitInATrance · 21/08/2023 12:49

My twenties were rather like your ex’s. I wouldn’t mention it to a new lover unless either they asked me directly, or I I thought they’d be interested in the fantasy or the reality.

I’d see mentioning that history out of the blue as a red flag, and an invasion of their XW’s privacy.

MasterBeth · 21/08/2023 12:49

Flapjacker48 · 21/08/2023 11:48

More common in upper middle class relationships. Less common in lower middle.

Brilliant