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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are threesomes normal

111 replies

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:05

Not sure if I'm just a sheltered person, but I have recently recentlyish divorced. My ex was a serial cheater and its taken a while to recover from this. Before we met he slept with over a hundred women and was very open about this, and had a threesome. Looking back the amount of women and how he talked about them was a red flag and I'm obviously nervous I miss red flags again, or let red flags lie!. A have started a new relationship and its going well he is very nice. We are 3 months in and at the weekend we were discussing things and he had a threesome with his ex wife. He has slept with a normal number of people not like my ex but is this a red flag? Or is it just a normal thing that people do. I've made it clear im not into that and he didn't say it in a way that felt like he wanted me to do it at all, I just need some help around recognising red flags!

IABU: it's not a big deal you're connecting the past with the present
IANBU: it could be a red flag and needs further thought

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 21/08/2023 12:50

It's not about whether a sex act is "normal", it's about whether you are comfortable with it. If you didn't like something as mainstream as PIV or kissing, that would still be your prerogative to refuse those acts.

If he really wants something that you don't, to the point that you feel pressured to do it, then throw him back. Sexual compatibility is a big deal.

Haretest · 21/08/2023 12:50

That suggests his ex wasn't really into it, and was possibly coerced. I wonder if he suggested it as a way to try and sorted their relationship problems out....?

I don't think that's a fair accusation to make about someone with the limited information you have

titchy · 21/08/2023 12:52

Haretest · 21/08/2023 12:50

That suggests his ex wasn't really into it, and was possibly coerced. I wonder if he suggested it as a way to try and sorted their relationship problems out....?

I don't think that's a fair accusation to make about someone with the limited information you have

Maybe not, but OP has trouble with boundaries so it's worth being aware of.

StarlightLady · 21/08/2023 12:53

I'm not sure whether they are normal or not comes into the equation. Some people do indulge, most people don't. But they key issue is that you clearly state it's not for you. So, will he want to participate in the future? If no, not a red flag. If yes, a potential red flag for you.

ButterflyOil · 21/08/2023 13:08

The context you’ve added sounds like it just came up naturally and he was honest that’s he’s not cheated but the one he did have didn’t go too well in the aftermath. Seems like a reasonable conversation to me.

As for common or not - think it is a fairly common fantasy for a lot of guys, probably not so common as an actual thing people generally do!

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/08/2023 13:10

I had a couple of threesomes in my younger days, both with two women and with a man and a woman. (I'm male) Never with someone I was in a relationship with though.

It came up in discussion with DP early in our relationship (as a result of something on TV) and it was a hard no from her, so it's never been mentioned again in 15 years.

I don't think that there's anything "not normal" about having a threesome, but I do think it says something about how that person views sex. For me, sex is sex, and love is love, and the two are entirely separate. I could happily watch my partner have sex with someone else, whereas for her sex and love are intertwined so she'd get massively jealous.

AIstolemylunch · 21/08/2023 13:14

I'm sexually experienced, have had a lot of partners, lots of sexual activity at university, in twenties etc etc and I have never had nor wanted a threesome. Just doesn't appeal to me. I don't think it is either normal or abnormal tbh. I think some people are into them, some aren't. I most definitely am not.

HootyMcBoob · 21/08/2023 13:15

I wouldn't say it's a red flag. You've said yourself that it only came up in conversation when you were having a chat, it doesn't sound like he brought it up specifically to suggest you have one. Plus, he wasn't bothered when you told him they weren't something you would be part of.

It sounds like your past experiences are putting you on alert which is completely understandable, but it seems like it's nothing to worry about.

Original poster
Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 13:50

Thanks everyone. I did not feel under any pressure whatsoever. That wanst my worry. It hasn't been mentioned again and I genuinely don't think he meant to infur he wanted us to have one at all. I was more worried about does having a threesome indicate a particular type of person. And while there are differing views on the whole it sounds like a no. I appreciate the comments around am I ready for this, and I will think seriously about it.

OP posts:
Sleepydoor · 21/08/2023 13:54

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:52

I plucked up the courage to ask if he had ever cheated on anyone he said not in actual relationships (ie when he had casual grilfriends in his early 20s) but then when on to say his ex felt he had cheated as they had a threesome with a neighbour and he seemed to 'enjoy' her more then he did his ex.

Sex with a neighbour seems like the worst idea ever.

Cucucucu · 21/08/2023 14:14

How old are you ? Was his ex a ex wife or girlfriend etc ? I experimented a lot in my 20s but would never have a thresome in a serious relationship with someone I truly love and want to staunchest rest if my life with

VanGoghsDog · 21/08/2023 15:00

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 12:33

It was two women and one man not two men.

Yes, of course it was. I dunno, I've met loads of men who like the idea of a threesome (most of whom can't even satisfy one woman....) but it's never two men, it's aaaalways about them.

I think that itself tells you something. It's not about having a variety of broad sexual experiences, it's about them thinking they are such a stud that one woman isn't enough.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/08/2023 15:12

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 12:33

It was two women and one man not two men.

Precisely. And why do you think that was?

(hint: it’s all about the centring of the mighty male)

Viralsunflower · 21/08/2023 15:13

I don't know anyone that has had a threesome, but everyone in my friendship group married in their early 20s.

As for the red flag thing, ultimately it depends on how you feel about it. You decide if you're comfortable with it or not. I hate strip clubs, for example. These are much more common than threesomes, but to me they are horrendous and glorified cheating. DH has had to decline invitations to a lot of stag dos because of the constant inclusion of these activities, but he respects my feelings about them. Plenty of women are fine with their husbands going to them, but I don't like them, and that's my own boundary. You're allowed a boundary around threesomes or if they give you the ick.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/08/2023 17:18

I've never had one but one of my friends did when she was a lot younger

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/08/2023 17:39

Kteeb1 · 21/08/2023 11:52

I plucked up the courage to ask if he had ever cheated on anyone he said not in actual relationships (ie when he had casual grilfriends in his early 20s) but then when on to say his ex felt he had cheated as they had a threesome with a neighbour and he seemed to 'enjoy' her more then he did his ex.

That sounds really horrible.

RaidFlySpray · 21/08/2023 17:46

Everyone has different boundaries, but I would find this offputting. It basically means that whilst he is in a committed relationship with one person, he wants and is willing to have sex with someone else, and is willing to accept and even enjoy his partner having sex with someone else. I wouldn't want to have any kind of relationship with more than one person, so a person who thinks that way isn't right for me.

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 17:51

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/08/2023 15:12

Precisely. And why do you think that was?

(hint: it’s all about the centring of the mighty male)

Show quote history

Exactly this. And that's why it's a bit of a red flag.

MissHarrietBede · 21/08/2023 18:01

ShineLikeA · 21/08/2023 11:50

Well, that's a more amusing contribution to the endless 'Am I middle-class, and if so, which bit of the middle class?' threads...

Show quote history

I had a foursome in my wild and distant youth. Does that mean I'm aristocracy? 😉

Onlinetherapist · 21/08/2023 18:16

Why do you think he decided to tell you this rather personal piece of information about his marriage, his former wife?

Do you think he could be testing the water with you, to see if you are up for it too? Or possibly ‘negging’ you, making you feel less than (his ex wife?) if you say it isn’t for you?

Just some possibilities for you to consider..

Aintnosupermum · 21/08/2023 18:58

There is absolutely no way I’d ever share anything person about my exhusband with a new boyfriend.

Run. This man is not a gentleman. What is he going to share about you with the next girlfriend?

EllaPaella · 21/08/2023 21:10

I think it's one of those things that some people say they have done to make themselves seem more sexually exciting than they are. It quite possibly isn't even true. Maybe he is trying to make you a bit jealous - provoke some kind of response. I would question why my partner would tell me so much about his sex life prior to meeting me - personally I wouldn't disclose that to a new partner.

PicnicBunny · 21/08/2023 21:21

Maybe suggest to him you’d like him having a one-on-one with another man while you watch… and maybe join in….?
See how he reacts? 😂

The porn industry has created these hyper sexualisation of women on women fantasies, that is not actually realistic. Find yourself a man who watches less porn.

Wakintoblueskies · 21/08/2023 21:26

Nosleepforthismum · 21/08/2023 11:49

I may be cynical but it sounds like he’s testing the waters to see your reaction to this information. I’d take it as he’d quite like another threesome and is casually mentioning it to see if you are appalled or not. Put it this way, if he’d had a threesome and decided it wasn’t for him he probably wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. I wouldn’t…

This.

I must be very conservative because this would be a big turn off for me.

It’s typically two women and one man. I wonder how much he’d like it if he was one of two men in the threesome?

Dillane · 21/08/2023 21:26

Not normal, no.