Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my dad know how much money it is??

302 replies

Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 10:00

Have come into a life changing amount of money. After much thought we are going to put money away for the kids, make sure ddad is comfortable, just a sensible amount, and open a foundation with the rest and give as much away as possible to causes important to us.

We had to tell my dad because it's obvious that we have $$ as we're paying off the house, may move and I'm leaving my job to run the Foundation, and will be hiring staff etc. Plus I'd like to make sure he has a monthly income from it.

But we didn't say how much as he is an absolute blabbermouth! He can't help himself, always wants to know how much things cost, where they're from etc and tells everyone. He's an open book. Talks to everyone.

He livid that I won;t tell him the amount. Keeps making guesses, brings it up in every convo. Is irate that I told Dsis ( Because I want her to join the running of the Foundation so had to reassure her it will run for generations if managed properly and worth leaving her very good career for).

It's causing massive friction. Ironically the reason we're keeping it so private is money does cause problems and I have no intention of having anyone outside of a handful of people know.

YABU - swear him to secrecy, tell him he can tell NO-ONE the amounts involved. He'll understand the importance.

YANBU - He's not going to change now, he'll let it slip then our relationship will deffo be worse off.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/08/2023 17:19

I’d probably just make up an amount that is at the lowest end of what is reasonable to tell him and stop his constant questioning. Or if you don’t feel comfortable outright lying drop him some hints which lead him to the wrong amounts but make him feel like he knows.

SpunkyGibbon · 21/08/2023 17:19

Best of luck @Relunctanto
Don't tell him though, you're not a child anymore,you can make your own choices and decisions

Ghosttofu99 · 21/08/2023 17:22

Wont it be obvious from the foundation’s website and you being listed as a trustee?

Zebedee55 · 21/08/2023 17:23

MumToBeOf2 · 21/08/2023 16:25

This post is complete rubbish, but thanks for the laugh!

Of course it is. With life changing lottery wins, they have experts to advise on confidentiality and charitable donations etc.

No one would need advice on SM.🙄

Original poster
Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 17:25

‘Sorry op but why did you tell your gossipy father anything?’

harsh! He’s a lovely chatty guy for the most part. Was I supposed to lie for the 20/30 years?

Anyway. I know I need to just tell him he’s leakier than the titanic, let him sulk and then hopefully he eventually speak to me again!

OP posts:
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 21/08/2023 18:04

Tell him that unfortunately when you’ve trusted him with smaller things, he’s decided that it’s something he will share regardless and leaked it. Therefore, you just cannot and will not tell him things that you really need to be absolutely certain won’t be shared. He’s had many opportunities to show he can be trusted with info and has demonstrated the opposite.

Bonniegirlie · 21/08/2023 18:22

My Mum was the same when I got my payout for an accident that ended my working life. She couldn’t stand not to know, but she would not have kept it to herself and I didn’t want everyone to know my business. Tell him you’re planning on giving him some but won’t if he doesn’t stop giving you grief about something that is none of his business. Or give it to him monthly and tell him every time he mentions it he won’t get anything either that month or ever again . That should focus his mind. Good luck!

Randomnamehere · 21/08/2023 18:43

Tahitiansummer · 21/08/2023 16:16

*Perhaps OP wants to set up a pioneering foundation doing the type of work that isn't in existence here yet.

I'm in this position with a great idea but no funding yet.*

The OP has stated they have a 7 figure sum - that's less than £10 million assuming they're in the UK. Nowhere near the kind of sum needed to fund pioneering work.

How odd that you presume that, when you have no idea what kind of pioneering work anyone is talking about. You're incorrect anyway.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 21/08/2023 19:29

OP if you know your dad is "leaker than the Titanic", you shouldn't have even told him as much as you have.

Not knowing the exact amount is not going to stop him telling all and sundry that his daughter is now a wealthy woman, and you must surely know this.

And being a trustee of a foundation leaves a paper trail. People will be able to trace it back, particularly if your dad mentions your foundation at all.

Augend23 · 21/08/2023 19:53

Randomnamehere · 21/08/2023 18:43

How odd that you presume that, when you have no idea what kind of pioneering work anyone is talking about. You're incorrect anyway.

Show quote history

Agreed, there are charities round here whose work would be totally transformed by even a £10k a year grant so I can definitely imagine there's plenty of good to be done with a foundation if what the person wants is to support a particular cause close to their heart.

Chatillon · 21/08/2023 20:10

Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 13:14

‘7 figures isn’t really foundation land OP. ‘

well, no it’s not. He’s guessing £1mill.
and as for why not just give to charities that exist, we will too but I have caused close to my heart - small, grassroots, or underfunded or not funded that we can make a real impact on.
it’s not going to be named after us or anything, and if anyone’s asks I’ll say I work there.
It’ll be many years down the line Inthink, before it’s established to the point where people really have heard of it.

This isn’t some pie in the sky idea, it’s been long in the making and legal advice has been sought!

Long in the making and legal advice has been sought.

The people I know who have this kind of wealth (‘foundation’ is a European term as opposed to the UK ‘trust’ and is normally €100m plus) fall into one of three camps:

BUSINESS SALES - high value, in which case they are advised by the likes of Deloitte, KPMG, CRS, even a solid regional firm of advisers - never ever Mumsnet for god’s sake!!

LOTTERY WINNERS- as above because the National Lottery counsel’s winners to meet with blue chip firms to give financial advice. Never ever Mumsnet.

BULLSHITTERS - they can say anything they like anywhere, at any time.

Using the term ‘foundation’ was a bit of a giveaway. Total bullshit.

Tahitiansummer · 21/08/2023 20:13

@Augend23 Those are charitable donations. The poster was referring to funding for 'pioneering work'. If they only required 10k, a bank loan would be the simplest way forward for such a small amount. In my own experience of innovation funding, applicants are rarely seeking less than 200k - I'm certainly not saying that's the case for everyone but it is a generalisation based on the typical applications we review.

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/08/2023 20:23

Chatillon · 21/08/2023 20:10

Long in the making and legal advice has been sought.

The people I know who have this kind of wealth (‘foundation’ is a European term as opposed to the UK ‘trust’ and is normally €100m plus) fall into one of three camps:

BUSINESS SALES - high value, in which case they are advised by the likes of Deloitte, KPMG, CRS, even a solid regional firm of advisers - never ever Mumsnet for god’s sake!!

LOTTERY WINNERS- as above because the National Lottery counsel’s winners to meet with blue chip firms to give financial advice. Never ever Mumsnet.

BULLSHITTERS - they can say anything they like anywhere, at any time.

Using the term ‘foundation’ was a bit of a giveaway. Total bullshit.

Show quote history

The OP is seeking Mumsnet advice on what to tell her dad, not what to do with her money....

Chatillon · 21/08/2023 20:42

What to tell her Dad…..

Righto.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 21/08/2023 20:44

Which is also something the lottery people would be able to advise about...

M00nknight · 21/08/2023 21:28

@Chatillon I agree. What total bs

Randomnamehere · 21/08/2023 22:07

Tahitiansummer · 21/08/2023 20:13

@Augend23 Those are charitable donations. The poster was referring to funding for 'pioneering work'. If they only required 10k, a bank loan would be the simplest way forward for such a small amount. In my own experience of innovation funding, applicants are rarely seeking less than 200k - I'm certainly not saying that's the case for everyone but it is a generalisation based on the typical applications we review.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Randomnamehere · 21/08/2023 22:10

Tahitiansummer · 21/08/2023 20:13

@Augend23 Those are charitable donations. The poster was referring to funding for 'pioneering work'. If they only required 10k, a bank loan would be the simplest way forward for such a small amount. In my own experience of innovation funding, applicants are rarely seeking less than 200k - I'm certainly not saying that's the case for everyone but it is a generalisation based on the typical applications we review.

You just said that anything less than 7 figures i.e. £10 million is "nowhere near enough" to do pioneering work.

Now it's dropped to £200k.

Hmmm.

Original poster
Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 22:34

‘The people I know who have this kind of wealth (‘foundation’ is a European term as opposed to the UK ‘trust’ and is normally €100m plus)’

I’m not sure what you’re on but … Trusts and Foundations are often used interchangeably- both in the UK and in other countries. they essentially mean funds are from a single endowment rather than from continuous, multiple donations from many sources as with charities.

You don’t need a lot of money,
As it happens… £5k I think is the minimum at the mo if you decided to start a charity for example, to apply for status - just in case anyone is thinking of starting one.

Anyway. This original Post was about what to do re DDad, NOT soliciting finance advice.

OP posts:
wesurvived1992 · 21/08/2023 23:03

Tell him it's in the millions. Tell him this absolutely mustn't go any further.

Don't tell him about the rest. It's a vast amount of I've guessed right. Wow and congratulations.

Justontherightsideofnormal · 22/08/2023 17:40

Don’t tell him the figure, he will tell others and you will gain new “friends” over night. However make it clear you don’t want to talk about it. It will ruin your relationship, give him the option, accept the monthly payment and be happy for your plans but never mention the money again or have nothing and continue as you have been xx

Whatafliberty · 22/08/2023 18:14

Tell him it is a lot less than it is.

VWT5 · 22/08/2023 18:27

Don’t tell him.

If information is put out there - I have witnessed ugly things being said, people become opinionated and think it’s ok to make judgements….
Keep the number to yourself.

Illbebythesea · 22/08/2023 18:45

Swear him to secrecy, it would piss me off if my kids inherited a huge amount and wouldn’t tell me. It’s sort of… patronising.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/08/2023 18:47

I signed a NDA so can't actually discuss it. Done.