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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my dad know how much money it is??

302 replies

Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 10:00

Have come into a life changing amount of money. After much thought we are going to put money away for the kids, make sure ddad is comfortable, just a sensible amount, and open a foundation with the rest and give as much away as possible to causes important to us.

We had to tell my dad because it's obvious that we have $$ as we're paying off the house, may move and I'm leaving my job to run the Foundation, and will be hiring staff etc. Plus I'd like to make sure he has a monthly income from it.

But we didn't say how much as he is an absolute blabbermouth! He can't help himself, always wants to know how much things cost, where they're from etc and tells everyone. He's an open book. Talks to everyone.

He livid that I won;t tell him the amount. Keeps making guesses, brings it up in every convo. Is irate that I told Dsis ( Because I want her to join the running of the Foundation so had to reassure her it will run for generations if managed properly and worth leaving her very good career for).

It's causing massive friction. Ironically the reason we're keeping it so private is money does cause problems and I have no intention of having anyone outside of a handful of people know.

YABU - swear him to secrecy, tell him he can tell NO-ONE the amounts involved. He'll understand the importance.

YANBU - He's not going to change now, he'll let it slip then our relationship will deffo be worse off.

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 21/08/2023 15:08

OhChacha · 21/08/2023 14:39

@DriftingDora I'd say a load of tripe. Likely won 20 quid down at the bingo and is now looking for an even bigger stealth boost as nothing better to do

😆😆

JudgeJ · 21/08/2023 15:14

WaxhamSeals · 21/08/2023 10:13

Why open a Foundation? I’d just donate to existing charities, or fund a specific project eg something that would benefit my local community.

I would be very reluctant to donate to an existing charity, I would need to know what the money was being used for.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/08/2023 15:16

I totally agree with your decision to not tell him the amount. He could be as livid as he wants to be, all he'd get from me is 'You've got a big mouth dad. I am not painting a target on my back for begging letters and grifters putting their hands out to me. And I am not painting that target on the backs of my children just to stop you moaning at me. You know damned fine why I can't tell you, so why don't you just drop it?'

"Keeps making guesses, brings it up in every convo."
Tell him that from now on, as soon as he raises the subject you'll be leaving. And do it. I had to do this with my mother once (different scenario from yours), she managed to put a cork in it from that point on.

BaroldandNedmund · 21/08/2023 15:19

I always think that these posts are sneaky lottery adverts. Just wasted another £10🙄

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/08/2023 15:19

JudgeJ · 21/08/2023 15:14

I would be very reluctant to donate to an existing charity, I would need to know what the money was being used for.

Show quote history

Agree. All the big charities pay some very big wages to their CEOs, to the point that I no longer donate to national charities, only small local ones.

OP stated "and as for why not just give to charities that exist, we will too but I have caused close to my heart - small, grassroots, or underfunded or not funded that we can make a real impact on."
Perfect!

Oldraver · 21/08/2023 15:25

Stick to your guns and dont tell him, if he asks just say you want to keep it a closed book in case of bounty hunters he is a blabbermouth

I had a sort of inheritance, not a lot but several people have tried to get the amount out of me. My Mum has finally given up, but took a few years

Wherearemymarbles · 21/08/2023 15:33

You won the Florida $1.58 billion lottery right ?? 😲as from how you speak, you must have come cross 9 figures or bloody close!

PegasusReturns · 21/08/2023 15:48

Agree. All the big charities pay some very big wages to their CEOs, to the point that I no longer donate to national charities, only small local ones

These sorts of comments drive me to distraction! Do you have any idea how much work being a CEO of a national charity entails? Do you imagine people should do it for free?!

I’m a NED of a national charitable organisation. The sort you’d have heard of, with a CEO who earns (just) six figures. If you had the slightest idea I’d what this sort of role entails you wouldn’t begrudge her a penny.

She manages a budget of millions, where every penny counts; meets with government ministers to advocate for the interests of the charity and the sector in which we operate; oversees multiple capital projects whilst engaging with key stakeholders from government; whilst looking after everything from policy rewrites to senior hires to funding requests. She is never off, routinely works 12 hour days without an expense account, or office stationery budget in sight.

Begsthequestion · 21/08/2023 15:52

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 21/08/2023 13:34

It's "hilarious" that you think 10k would be anywhere near enough

Show quote history

You must have a strange sense of humour. I got that figure from a financial advice website.

Randomnamehere · 21/08/2023 15:56

Ohyousillydivvy · 21/08/2023 11:44

Get independent legal advice from a financial advisor, accountant and solicitor.

Delay setting up a foundation for now, research small local charities in your area and donate to them not the large ones like Macmillan cancer. The large ones are more well known so get plenty of money whilst the little ones are overlooked.

Consider donating equipment to schools, youth clubs, homeless shelters and communities. Maybe open a community pantry, Foodbank or donating to your local lifeboat and Mountain rescue teams. These are the things I'd do in your position, take your time and don't rush.

Perhaps OP wants to set up a pioneering foundation doing the type of work that isn't in existence here yet.

I'm in this position with a great idea but no funding yet.

whathappenedtosummer23 · 21/08/2023 15:59

JudgeJ · 21/08/2023 15:14

I would be very reluctant to donate to an existing charity, I would need to know what the money was being used for.

Show quote history

Which shows you don’t know much about charities. You can look at the strategy and annual report and you can make a restricted donation whereby the money is used for an agreed project and you ask for regular reporting on the outcomes and phase the money over at agreed stages.

whathappenedtosummer23 · 21/08/2023 16:00

JudgeJ · 21/08/2023 15:14

I would be very reluctant to donate to an existing charity, I would need to know what the money was being used for.

Show quote history

Which shows you don’t know much about charities. You can look at the strategy and annual report and you can make a restricted donation whereby the money is used for an agreed project and you ask for regular reporting on the outcomes and phase the money over at agreed stages.

CoolShoeshine · 21/08/2023 16:00

Sorry op but why did you tell your gossipy father anything? Even if he doesn’t know the exact amount he’s probably told everyone he knows that you’ve got a life changing sum of money, enough for you and sister to give up work, etc etc. Chinese whispers must be circulating like crazy!

bpirockin · 21/08/2023 16:07

Ah, the dream - first off I'll say congratulations. It looks like you're dong my "lottery winning plan". In my case I would be keeping it from my Mum, who has Alzheimers, and my estranged sister, who'd be running to the papers to slate the rest of the family. It must be really hard, but if you can't keep it from him, you may live to regret it. I'm sure he'll lose interest after a while, with you not splashing out on a McMansion. It's too easy for others to suck the joy out of a situation, when the joy to be gained is really in the sharing anyway. Enjoy!

NeedMoreWonga · 21/08/2023 16:07

Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 10:07

'How much is it? ;-)'

Enough for us to be worried about burdening our children with extreme wealth. But we aren't. We are seriously and absolutely going to donate the majority - and we'll still never have to worry about another bill again.

@Relunctanto Please give some to me 😂I only want 25-30k to buy an old wreak in Portugal to live in. If I had no housing costs I could do charitibale things in Portgual where the income isn't very high at all, so you would be paying it forward many times again.

ChimneyPotter · 21/08/2023 16:08

PegasusReturns · 21/08/2023 15:48

Agree. All the big charities pay some very big wages to their CEOs, to the point that I no longer donate to national charities, only small local ones

These sorts of comments drive me to distraction! Do you have any idea how much work being a CEO of a national charity entails? Do you imagine people should do it for free?!

I’m a NED of a national charitable organisation. The sort you’d have heard of, with a CEO who earns (just) six figures. If you had the slightest idea I’d what this sort of role entails you wouldn’t begrudge her a penny.

She manages a budget of millions, where every penny counts; meets with government ministers to advocate for the interests of the charity and the sector in which we operate; oversees multiple capital projects whilst engaging with key stakeholders from government; whilst looking after everything from policy rewrites to senior hires to funding requests. She is never off, routinely works 12 hour days without an expense account, or office stationery budget in sight.

Hear hear.

I've worked for charities all my life - there's some kind of misunderstanding in our country about what they are. Volunteering is just a part of what some charities do, but in order to effect change they need to be professionally run. The salaries are always under private-sector level, though they try to be competitive to get good quality candidates so that their missions can actually be achieved. And they are always still not-for-profit - there are no shareholders taking out funds, ever, the money is always self-invested.

The other great thing about charities is that they are incredibly transparent - their annual reports (always published free on companies house / charity commission) usually go into great detail about all aspects of their running, their impact and their finances.

Tahitiansummer · 21/08/2023 16:16

*Perhaps OP wants to set up a pioneering foundation doing the type of work that isn't in existence here yet.

I'm in this position with a great idea but no funding yet.*

The OP has stated they have a 7 figure sum - that's less than £10 million assuming they're in the UK. Nowhere near the kind of sum needed to fund pioneering work.

MumToBeOf2 · 21/08/2023 16:25

This post is complete rubbish, but thanks for the laugh!

NewName122 · 21/08/2023 16:29

Give to my single mum charity if you like op 🤣 work everyday but cannot afford a new mattress and would love a decent sleep. Yanbu.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 21/08/2023 16:37

Tahitiansummer · 21/08/2023 16:16

*Perhaps OP wants to set up a pioneering foundation doing the type of work that isn't in existence here yet.

I'm in this position with a great idea but no funding yet.*

The OP has stated they have a 7 figure sum - that's less than £10 million assuming they're in the UK. Nowhere near the kind of sum needed to fund pioneering work.

No she hasn't;t stated it's a 7 figure, her father has said he thinks it is.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/08/2023 16:49

He already knows/thinks he's knows it's 7 figures but still going on about it

Why not simply say he's not being told because he can't be trusted to keep it to himself?

Since he has ample form as a blabbermouth he can hardly say "Ooooo no I wouldn't tell anyone!!" - at least not without looking extremely silly - and that way you're clear

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 21/08/2023 17:01

Sounds great - hope it's true! A foundation is a good way to go as it attracts tax breaks whereas keeping it in a bank account and paying out to charity will cost you money.

Never mind your dad the blabbermouth - deffo keep it from him - but look out for the freeloaders who'll pop out of the woodwork to beg then get nasty if you don't fund whatever nonsense they spout.

Poivresel · 21/08/2023 17:03

LifeExperience · 21/08/2023 13:21

7 figures may turn out to not be as much as you think it is. Keep in mind that you should never withdraw more than 4% a year from your wealth to live on, and that includes charitable giving, paying off houses, funding uni for the kids, etc. If the amount is 9,999,999, the largest 7 figure amount, the most you should ever withdraw is 400,000 in any given year. If you are funding yourselves and paying staff, that money might not go as far as you think.

That’s interesting.
Why 4%?

johnnydeppsslipper · 21/08/2023 17:07

This is my mum

Not that I've come into money but I do have a very good income stream and my d dad helps me with some things so she has an idea but she's the type of person who would blab without even thinking Hmm

Wherearemymarbles · 21/08/2023 17:11

The op has never said its 7 figures…. Her dad thinks it is.
personally if someone talks extreme wealth i think mid 9 figures, ie £500 million plus

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