To not let my dad know how much money it is??

[Relunctanto]

Have come into a life changing amount of money. After much thought we are going to put money away for the kids, make sure ddad is comfortable, just a sensible amount, and open a foundation with the rest and give as much away as possible to causes important to us.

We had to tell my dad because it's obvious that we have $$ as we're paying off the house, may move and I'm leaving my job to run the Foundation, and will be hiring staff etc. Plus I'd like to make sure he has a monthly income from it.

But we didn't say how much as he is an absolute blabbermouth! He can't help himself, always wants to know how much things cost, where they're from etc and tells everyone. He's an open book. Talks to everyone.

He livid that I won;t tell him the amount. Keeps making guesses, brings it up in every convo. Is irate that I told Dsis ( Because I want her to join the running of the Foundation so had to reassure her it will run for generations if managed properly and worth leaving her very good career for).

It's causing massive friction. Ironically the reason we're keeping it so private is money does cause problems and I have no intention of having anyone outside of a handful of people know.

YABU - swear him to secrecy, tell him he can tell NO-ONE the amounts involved. He'll understand the importance.

YANBU - He's not going to change now, he'll let it slip then our relationship will deffo be worse off.

This was my thought too.

How did you come into the money? Inheritance? Won it? Sold a business? Criminal injuries? PPI? lol
I mean, it's irrelevant to your story, but I'm just nosey too! 😂

There are plenty of charities already, go to work for an existing one. Dont waste money on duplicating administration. You might have to make accounts public.

Tell your Dad a smaller sum. Does he need an income - he may not want to be dependent on his child. Pay off a mortgage, if he has one, give him some of the money outright if he needs it.

We came into a significant but much smaller than this sum of money and if questioned about the actual amount I just said we’d been advised to keep it confidential. Could you tell him you’ve spoken with your lawyers and they’ve pointed out a non disclosure agreement or similar?

Alternatively I’d let him ask one more time and then look him square in the eye and say, ‘Dad, we have decided this is confidential. I am never going to disclose the sum. You are going to benefit and so will many others. However if you can’t accept this and just be pleased for us all then it is going to REALLY spoil our relationship and we don’t want that do we?’

If he STILL carries on I’d terminate the conversation (phone etc) or meeting (in person) straight away each time and leave a cooling off period. He should get it eventually.

Congratulations and good luck.

This. A bit of self awareness from DDad would be a good thing. In absence of that you have to tell him that based on his behaviour he doesn't get to know. Might prompt some self reflection but I doubt it.
It's not safe for all and sundry to know your financial business.

Did you mean to post this?

OP, can you say the money came with a confidentiality clause?

opening a foundation but also wanting to keep the money secret seem like two conflicting goals.

making donations to already existing charities would be much less overt (and simpler).

won’t he find out anyway? Especially when you’ll tell other people (like your sister, who may simply tell one other person, that person may be a bit blabbermouth etc.). Are you definitely certain that nobody will tell him? especially when you yourself already have doubts / are unsure?

1. tell him but make it clear that there will be massive consequences if he mentions it to others.
2. tell him the lowest feasible amount.

How amazing. I dream of having huge amounts of money so that I can give most of it away.

How did you come into this?

Good luck OP and don't tell him!

The problem you have is that they argument.of “we’ve been told to keep it confidential” completely falls down because you told your sister…

@Relunctanto this is where a white lie is a reasonable solution. So If it’s $20 million saying to your Dad ok you must promise not to tell everyone and understand we decide how it is spent it’s $5 million. But we have put $4.5m into the foundation and can’t get it back.

Tell him the lowest plausible amount...

I also wonder why the need for a foundation. It does seem inefficient... and do both you and your sister have the required skillset? You may both be accomplished high-flyers, but still not necessarily suited to running a foundation.

Give straight to the causes that mean the most to you. They are sure to use the money wisely, including putting some aside to ensure their long-term survival and relevance.

I was trying to remember what that show was called!

I'd donate a lot if we came in to a large sum of money, but I don't think I'd set up a foundation. I'd just donate it to charities that already existed as and when I wanted. To be honest I wouldn't want the hassle of running a foundation and it's much easier to keep your big puke of money under the radar if you don't also run a foundation.

He has no right to know and he will tell people/start asking you for money for so and so etc it sounds like. I’d tell him £1million and you’ve already accounted for all of that and there is nothing more to give as it’s all on the foundation etc

This thread is amazing. Who knew so many MNers were expert at advising HNWI?

Have you got experience with this OP? I don't think 7 figures is enough to do everything you're saying and I think you're a cheeky fuck asking your sister to give up her "very good career" for something that might or might not work out!

In answer to your AIBU, no I wouldn't tell him if he doesn't actually need to know

Who knew HNWI came to MN for advice?

She isnt asking for financial advice, but family advice. Which is what this site if for.

But surely everyone will know it is a huge amount of money as soon as you open the foundation? Having worked in the charity sector for most of my career, I agree it is very wasteful to set up another organisation, if it was me I would donate to the causes you feel most strongly about.

He sounds hideous.

I hope you've got good advice OP because even your modest plans cost much more than 7 figures and you have to pay your dsis properly including pension.
Good luck.
Tell your df that you'll tell him how much you got if he declines the money.
May concentrate his mind.

For everyone asking, why start a foundation, it is because they are usually exempt from tax.

Oh hi, erm, how much is it and where did it come from?

In shocking news, a grown adult is upset that his daughter does not trust him and is treating him like a child, even though same adult has form for being unable to keep secrets.

FFS, you've handled this appallingly. the amount is less of a secret issue than the fact you have it so you've now 100% guaranteed that your dad is going to be telling everyone - he's a blabbermouth at the best of times and now he's also upset and hurt.

You should have made up a figure in the beginning, including giving him a sense of what you were planning to do with it and left it at that.

Incidentally, I tend to agree with other posters - a foundation seems a bit pointless. why not just research specific things you want to donate to and do that while investing the rest of the money via professional money managers so that you can continue to donate as widely and frequently as you like? Trust me, the moment you create a foundation and it has accounts and staff and all the rest, you're losing any chance of keeping things quiet.

Yes, that was my point. I am amused by the number of posters who are ignoring the family dilemma and instead offering unsolicited and inexpert advice on the benefits and drawbacks of a charitable foundation.

If you are going to set up a foundation with it then you might as well tell him.

20 million is 8 figures. It’s less than 10.

A foundation needs to be 2-5 million if you’re going to hire staff.