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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my dad know how much money it is??

302 replies

Relunctanto · 21/08/2023 10:00

Have come into a life changing amount of money. After much thought we are going to put money away for the kids, make sure ddad is comfortable, just a sensible amount, and open a foundation with the rest and give as much away as possible to causes important to us.

We had to tell my dad because it's obvious that we have $$ as we're paying off the house, may move and I'm leaving my job to run the Foundation, and will be hiring staff etc. Plus I'd like to make sure he has a monthly income from it.

But we didn't say how much as he is an absolute blabbermouth! He can't help himself, always wants to know how much things cost, where they're from etc and tells everyone. He's an open book. Talks to everyone.

He livid that I won;t tell him the amount. Keeps making guesses, brings it up in every convo. Is irate that I told Dsis ( Because I want her to join the running of the Foundation so had to reassure her it will run for generations if managed properly and worth leaving her very good career for).

It's causing massive friction. Ironically the reason we're keeping it so private is money does cause problems and I have no intention of having anyone outside of a handful of people know.

YABU - swear him to secrecy, tell him he can tell NO-ONE the amounts involved. He'll understand the importance.

YANBU - He's not going to change now, he'll let it slip then our relationship will deffo be worse off.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 21/08/2023 11:00

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 21/08/2023 10:58

Yes, that was my point. I am amused by the number of posters who are ignoring the family dilemma and instead offering unsolicited and inexpert advice on the benefits and drawbacks of a charitable foundation.

Show quote history

The advice here seems to be more expert than the advice OP has apparently come by thus far. Financial advisers would have already warned her of the issues with foundations. That’s if any of this is true.

willWillSmithsmith · 21/08/2023 11:01

I always felt if I came in to a huge amount of money I wouldn’t donate to charities as I’d be concerned it’d get eaten up in company cars and line the pockets of the management. I’d do what George Michael did and directly give money to families in need and help in very specific situations.

If it was a very large amount I wouldn’t tell any family members how much it really was and just say a smaller but plausible amount.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 21/08/2023 11:02

Tell him if he asks again, then he won't get anything!

WonderingWanda · 21/08/2023 11:02

I think this boat has sailed but I wouldn't have told anyone I was setting up the foundation. I would have just said I had a new job working for x foundation. I would also just buy a modest but nice house and pretend I had taken on a huge mortgage.

It is totally your choice to not disclose the amount to him or the fact that you have won money to anyone. Tell your father very firmly that you do not wish to discuss it any further and that if he continues to harass you about it you will be distancing yourself and his grandchildren.

If I ever one life changing money I would only tell my dh and no one else. I might at some point say we had won a smaller amount so we could help out relatives but there are some people in my family who would be ridiculous about it. If I gave them a million they would fritter it away and then need more and it would not make them happy. In fact it would just make them unhappier I suspect.

cafenoirbiscuit · 21/08/2023 11:02

Good for you. Spend it on what gives you joy. And don’t tell your dad how much.

CherryBlossoms88 · 21/08/2023 11:03

Just give him a made up figure and see if that number gets bandied about once he lets slip! Then you’ll know if you can trust him or not haha

MeridianB · 21/08/2023 11:06

No good will come of him blabbing about money to anyone. It could invite some really worrying and even dangerous attention, to him as well as you.

So you're absolutely right to shut this down. And explain why!

Bunnycat101 · 21/08/2023 11:06

For a viable and self sustaining foundation you are probably looking at at least £10m probably more. Many of them work on the basis of only spending the yield. So for £10m at 4% you might have an annual operating budget of £400k which sounds a lot but if you’re then paying a salary to you and your sister that would knock out at least £100k, probably more if you think about pension etc. you’d then have hefty legal fees, accountants and investment specialist fees other operating costs etc. Then suddenly the amount available to distribute is not actually that much each year and would take you quite a long time to see the charitable benefit of the money.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 21/08/2023 11:08

What a lovely thing to do OP, you sound so selfless.
I agree about keeping the money quiet.Slightly different , but I had a close relative pass away and I inherited a 5 figure sum. One blabbermouth executive of the will who was working on my behalf (I was a child) decided to tell everyone the amount and got wires crossed, and some people were expecting money that weren't due any. One relative stepped down from his 'role' but still expected the money and as a recently bereaved child, I was hounded by this relative with his hand out for £1000. He owns a half a million pound business. It was sickening, and I lost so much respect and we no longer talk.

You're situation is different but please take my story as a warning, people come out the woodwork with outstretched hands when they figure out how much is involved.

chopc · 21/08/2023 11:10

You don't have to say how much it curious to know how you have come into this money ......

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 21/08/2023 11:11

I would tell him a smaller amount than you actually got.
I would never tell anyone the true amount as I’ve seen programs where people can turn on you.

Say if you got 5mill I would tell him it was 2mil.

If you got it from the lottery though I’m pretty sure he’d be able to check exactly how much you won and so I’d keep this in mind.
But tbh if he did ever find out you could explain your reasons for it.

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 21/08/2023 11:13

Mirabai · 21/08/2023 11:00

The advice here seems to be more expert than the advice OP has apparently come by thus far. Financial advisers would have already warned her of the issues with foundations. That’s if any of this is true.

Show quote history

It certainly could be a total fabrication. Assuming it is genuine I suspect an OP concerned about privacy would be pretty careful to change key details, e.g. the number of figures in the windfall, rendering the unsolicited advice even more irrelevant. Not that that will stop the armchair financial advisors.

workshy46 · 21/08/2023 11:13

I'm assuming euro millions win ? If it gets out you will never have another day of peace. I also would be v v slow to run a foundation- again hard to hide. Just donate to well run charities unless you have major experience in that area.

mosiacmaker · 21/08/2023 11:13

WaxhamSeals · 21/08/2023 10:13

Why open a Foundation? I’d just donate to existing charities, or fund a specific project eg something that would benefit my local community.

Totally agree, the amount of wealthy people opening their own charities is just so inefficient, there are plenty of amazing charities already in existence that you can become a significant donor for! Also if your plan is to remain anonymous then doing it this was is a no brainer.

ZebraD · 21/08/2023 11:15

Why win just to give it all away…

Ohyousillydivvy · 21/08/2023 11:18

I'd have done it a bit differently to you to put people off the scent:

  1. Pay off mortgage but stay in the house for a year while looking to buy another place
  1. Buy houses for dc now in their names, let it out so they have an income once they're 18
  1. Pay off all debts, top up pensions to the max & open accounts for kids
  1. Go part time at work and build up foundation slowly and don't tell anyone about it
  1. Once the foundation is ready to launch then I'd resign from work.
multivac · 21/08/2023 11:19

A foundation does 'donate to existing charities'.

And '7 figures' is plenty to run a sustainable foundation, making a real difference.

Speaking from experience.

Ohyousillydivvy · 21/08/2023 11:20

I'd assume there are tax breaks involved with running a foundation and directors can be paid an unrestricted amount. Harry and Megan have done similar.

rebeccachoc · 21/08/2023 11:22

Can you lend me a fiver please lol I'm another one that votes for telling your dad a random figure just to shut him up. But if you don't want to do that, next time he asks just list out a few examples of things he's blabbed about to show he has form for not being trustworthy.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/08/2023 11:22

Assuming this situation is genuine (and I’m happy to give the benefit of the doubt) there is no way an OP who wants privacy is actually going to give MN the full facts of the situation. Of course she is going to change details. This thread is already a collective fantasy of what everyone would do with the money but I don’t see how that helps OP with her Dad.

OP, I think you can only spell out to him that you aren’t going to change your mind, and ask him to respect this as it will harm your relationship if he keeps pressing.

ChimneyPotter · 21/08/2023 11:23

Are you British? The foundation money will be publicly available on companies house anyway.

If he half knows I don't get the point of more secrecy tbh, it feels unnecessary? He's going to blabbermouth it anyway even without accurate figures.

Tell us the figure anyway this is anonymous! (Here's my £5m plan: First million does mortgage-free house near my parents (would get a 3 bed in the village). 2nd million is gifts to close family- parents, sister, brother, nan, nieces and nephews. Million 3&4 are invested for income to allow me to work part time. Million 5 is given away - shame I haven't won!!)

Olika · 21/08/2023 11:24

Tell him if he keeps pestering you he won't be benefitting a single penny from it.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 11:28

Hi OP

I see that you have 2 options

  1. Don't tell him anything more but you will have to put up with the moaning and cajoling
  2. Tell him a number - the lowest you can go - tell him that you are only employing part-time admin staff (minimal costs) etc The vast majority of the cash is in trust for your DC

I do hope you treat yourself with a bit of a splurge.

Before setting your foundation, I am sure you will do your due diligence about the most effective way to use your cash. Setting up a foundation sounds worthy but will you just be spending money on a layer of admin where it isn't necessarily needed.
www.givingisgreat.org is a great place to start

Discover the Best Charities to Donate to | Giving is Great |

Giving is Great is a smart charity search engine that highlights the strengths and weaknesses of almost 200,000 UK charities.

http://www.givingisgreat.org

AdoraBell · 21/08/2023 11:28

YANBU, either tell him it’s not up for discussion every time he asks or tell him you won a million on the lottery.