to not allow dm aged 88 to my house

[Crumpetdisappointment]

she used to drive but no longer drives
i now drive to her house to see her
recently she came to my house, via bus, however when i was looking for some dry clothes, we got caught in the rain, she was snooping through my medications

i find that totally out of order,
i appreciate curiosity can get the better, if a letter is open on table it is hard to resist, but to actually lift things up to look is out of order
i would rather not know about my ds financial affairs for instance and if a letter was left open i would not look

Just tell her not to.

@Wishimaywishimight and @Purpleavocado - I got told off for posting a similar comment on a thread from someone complaining about things their mum has said on the phone. Not poisonous things just irritating to listen to - elderly person’s ramblings. My mum died 10 years ago. I would love to have her still alive and poking through things in my house. I really don’t understand how someone could ban an elderly parent from visiting but not just say - please don’t go through my stuff.

Classic MN response. Surprised you haven't trundled out the old dementia. OP is perfectly reasonable to be annoyed. In future I'd ask her about it or make sure things are hidden away. I wouldn't ban her from the house though.

Do you know her medical history? Maybe handy to know for medical problems in the future just to inform doctors in case there are genetic diseases you are more prone to. My mum never told me stuff that was relevant to my daughter which was annoying. Find out whilst you think she can remember.

Quote clearly the ostrich reference means the op sticks her head in the sand / avoids confrontation. It’s a very well known phrase and surely easy to work out anyway.

the DM has not “gone through her things”. She left the medication out. If it’s that sensitive, put it away. 🤷‍♀️ I can’t imagine keeping my medication secret from my mom but I know some people do have a tricky relationship and so You mitigate for it if you want to maintain a relationship. Not ban them from your home.

I'd have gone ballistic tbh. Is she likely to gossip about your medication?

Who is likely to be interested in your antidepressants/pill/haemorrhoid cream?

this!

It feels like you respond to her with Ostridge because you are worried about causing a conflict.
This "snooping" incident has made you so angry you want to ban her from your house - but you haven't actually said anything to her.

What would happen if you did?
Are you afraid of her response if you raise it with her?
Would it cause a big argument and so you keep quiet?

Perhaps that is why you are so angry about something that on the surface appears relatively trivial to others.
Does she have a history of invading your privacy?

How are you going to deal with this going forward. Your plan of banning her from your house has been criticised here. And if you can't tell her not to snoop, how are you going to tell her that? It does seem a bit like punishing her.

Confronting someone to communicate with them doesn't have to be aggressive or get everyone ready for a fight.
You could try explaining to her in a very calm non angry way with no hint of a "tone" that you'd prefer it she didn't do that again and get her talking about it. You could say to her that she's welcome in your house, but you'd like her to respect your privacy. That's firm but non confrontational. She may kick off and then you can ask her what her solution is?

However, at 88 she is likely to be very set in her ways, and maybe not able to see how unreasonable she's being. Perhaps she still sees you as a child she has to monitor, but as you both age, your roles change, you become more of the adult and perhaps she can't quite accept that.
In any case, you know exactly what she is like so you can Mum Proof your house. Put stuff away if she's visiting. filing cabinets have locks. etc.
At the end of the day, she wants to come to visit you and that is something to hold onto.

I would have been livid too. My MIL used to root through letters and paperwork and then ask nosy questions on the grounds that ‘we are all family and should have no secrets’. Now we hide everything from her.

Is there a chance that she is worried about you (thinks you are unwell) so is trying to get a hint from any medications you might be taking?

As in.. burying your head in the sand.

But she isn't doing that, she's contemplating banning her Mum from her house 😂

I'm assuming this is the culmination of a lot of things that the OP has chosen to ignore (hence the ostrich comment) and this, and the result of going straight to the option of banning her DM from the house is a last straw type scenario.

I also think it's highly unlikely the DM is the type that would just stop if asked, or OP would just have done that!

YABU to ban her from your home completely, especially if she rarely goes there anyway.

But I do think it’s rude and I would have said something straight away.
I hate nosey people, especially when it’s something so private.

You aren't being very open here, are you @Crumpetdisappointment

What do you mean by 'medications'?
What are you taking that is a secret?

Antidepressants?
HRT?
Weight loss drugs?

Where do you keep them?
On the kitchen worktop?
Bathroom cabinet?
Bedside cupboard?

Did she have to go into a 'private space' like your bedroom and rifle through your drawers?

What does getting wet in the rain have to do with anything?

However, at 88 she is likely to be very set in her ways,

PLEASE stop this MN ageism!

My mum is much older than 88 and wouldn't dream of going into private spaces in someone's house- even close family.

And although some women of 88 are 'old' some are not.
My Mum's friends in their mid-80s are running the WI, going out, flying overseas, and all sorts.

Perhaps she was concerned you were ill and was worried.
Snooping is not a nice way to phrase your mum's actions she's hardly a stranger.
And an open letter you would think ok! You are being two faced there.
Your poor mum.you'll regret your decision and for posting about her one day.

thank you @REP22

Now that you are back, you would get more supportive replies perhaps if you were more specific about what occurred.

Where did your mum actually 'snoop'?

Rifling through your bedroom or bathroom cupboards for no good reason is very different to looking at meds that are in full view on the kitchen worktop, or strewn around in the bathroom, ( if she needed the loo.)

@ChoccyBickies
thanks but it is a flying visit
i have had a number of supportive useful comments which i shall take from this

Left in full view on the kitchen counter, then... 😂

@Crumpetdisappointment
I used to get cross with my mother (died aged 92) over things I could have sorted differently. Like yours, she was active into her late 80s, so that sometimes I reverted to being a spiky teenager. By the time she really declined, in the last few months of her life, I'd learned to hold my tongue or not tell her if I didn't want her to know. And I'm glad I did. Xx

I wouldn't ban her from my house just for that. I'd speak to her and tell her that I didn't want anyone to do that and then would leave it at that.

Yes, you must have left your meds in full view, rather than somewhere private (like a cupboard, drawer, bathroom cabinet).

But you then you ask total strangers what to do and if they agree that you should BAN her from your home.

If she was rifling through your drawers, deal with it at the time.

If you were careless about where you leave your meds and she had a passing glance to see what they were, is that her fault- or yours?

The impression you give is the relationship isn't great anyway if you prefer to be in control by visiting her and even thinking about never allowing her into your home.

She's 88 years old she's curious about your meds is it really a big deal? She's not pinching your painkillers or birth control I shouldn't think. I might have asked her if she was concerned about my medication if I'd caught her in the act but wouldn't be banning her from my home.

Is this you OP?