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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow dm aged 88 to my house

131 replies

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/08/2023 09:39

she used to drive but no longer drives
i now drive to her house to see her
recently she came to my house, via bus, however when i was looking for some dry clothes, we got caught in the rain, she was snooping through my medications

i find that totally out of order,
i appreciate curiosity can get the better, if a letter is open on table it is hard to resist, but to actually lift things up to look is out of order
i would rather not know about my ds financial affairs for instance and if a letter was left open i would not look

OP posts:
pam290358 · 21/08/2023 10:47

Is this new behaviour or has she always been like this ? You sound surprised so I’m guessing it’s new. At 88 this could be linked to dementia, so it might be wise to just keep an eye on her to see if there’s anything else that might be of concern. It was a series of little things like this that ended up with a diagnosis of vascular dementia for my mum at the age of 90, so not unreasonable to just be aware.

EarthSight · 21/08/2023 10:47

Purpleavocado · 21/08/2023 09:56

Probably not want you want to hear, but I'd love to have my elderly Mum snooping through my house. Maybe you'll miss her when she's gone?

The fact that you have a better relationship with your mother is seriously impairing your empathy.

I don't know what kind of relationship the OP has with her mother, but if you had mother with controlling tendencies and narcissistic traits, with poor boundaries, who wants you to have no facet of your life to yourself, who sadistically delights in discovering everything you'd prefer to keep private, the fucking last thing you'd want to give them is a key to your house or free reign in it.

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2023 10:47

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/08/2023 09:50

why will it be deleted?
gosh
never mind,
she is 88 give her a break?

Shouldn't you be giving her a break?

readbooksdrinktea · 21/08/2023 10:47

Kindofcrunchy · 21/08/2023 10:05

Any of us could die at any time. That's no reason to put up with people invading your privacy.

Agree. It's a weird excuse for allowing rudeness.

CasperGutman · 21/08/2023 10:48

DragonFly98 · 21/08/2023 10:39

The weirdest thing about this thread is that people don't understand sayings.

I understand the saying "like an ostrich" as meaning that someone figuratively puts their head in the sand, pretending there isn't a problem when there is. But I've no idea how this applies to the OP, who seems to be doing completely the opposite: banning her own mother from visiting her is massively over-reacting to a perceived problem which most posters think is pretty minor!

Iwantamarshmallowman · 21/08/2023 10:48

reading a personal letter and looking at medications are two very different things in my opinion. is there any reason you don't want her seeing your medications? personally it wouldn't bother me but if I was on somthing I didn't want anyone to know about it hide it away. my mum likes a snoop I just don't leave stuff out. you sound very young to have a mother of 88.

lunaalice · 21/08/2023 10:48

People probably do understand the saying but in this context it doesn't make sense???

CherryBlossoms88 · 21/08/2023 10:50

She’s your 88 year old mother and you were considering banning her from your home because she was looking through your medication? That’s absurd and drastic! Just speak to your mum about it, you are grown woman and say, ‘can I help you with anything? Is there any medication you are looking for?’
Is there medication that is so sensitive for her to know?

My mum and dad are not necessarily snoopy but if I have any mail that somehow end up in their house (used to live at home before marriage) they tend to open just incase it’s important. As for medication, they can look through whatever they like. We have a medicine cabinet and if they are looking after the kids they will check to see where the calpol, neurofen, lotions are, so will end up seeing my stuff too…. But I don’t really care….. what are they going to do with that knowledge?

pam290358 · 21/08/2023 10:50

EarthSight · 21/08/2023 10:47

The fact that you have a better relationship with your mother is seriously impairing your empathy.

I don't know what kind of relationship the OP has with her mother, but if you had mother with controlling tendencies and narcissistic traits, with poor boundaries, who wants you to have no facet of your life to yourself, who sadistically delights in discovering everything you'd prefer to keep private, the fucking last thing you'd want to give them is a key to your house or free reign in it.

Show quote history

Sounds to me as though this posters’ mum has passed away, which explains the comment.

ImABox · 21/08/2023 10:51

I need the “I’m an ostrich” explaining to me.

But I think this sounds like the straw that broke the camels back and there is a lot more going on and you can stop contact with her or to your house for any reason you want to.

CherryBlossoms88 · 21/08/2023 10:53

This is what I think the OP means about being and Ostrich

[from the belief that the ostrich when pursued hides its head in the sand and believes itself to be unseen] : one who attempts to avoid danger or difficulty by refusing to face it

CherryBlossoms88 · 21/08/2023 10:53

Basically she’s avoiding confrontation but putting her head in the sand

REP22 · 21/08/2023 10:55

OP, if you are having issues with your mum, you may find it more helpful to post in the 'Elderly Parents' section of MN - here Caring For Elderly Parents Forum UK | Mumsnet | Mumsnet. The Cockroach Cafe there is also very helpful.

Sometimes people who don't have a struggle with their parents/relatives find it difficult to understand or visualise how difficult it can be. That's fair enough, I understand that. I have been blasted myself for posting about issues concerning one of my elderly relatives and have been castigated and called all sorts of names including callous, heartless and "you only get one WXYZ, you should do all you can for them", when the reality is that my WXYZ never wanted me and regularly beat and humiliated me throughout my childhood and continues to be actively cruel.

You can take steps to put things away that you don't want your mum to go through. Also, you can fix times for visiting to try and avoid her turning up unannounced. You don't have to be available whenever she decides to turn up, if you don't want to.

Wishing you better times ahead.

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 10:55

CasperGutman · 21/08/2023 10:48

I understand the saying "like an ostrich" as meaning that someone figuratively puts their head in the sand, pretending there isn't a problem when there is. But I've no idea how this applies to the OP, who seems to be doing completely the opposite: banning her own mother from visiting her is massively over-reacting to a perceived problem which most posters think is pretty minor!

Show quote history

@CasperGutman - exactly.

She's using a well known phrase which simply doesn't apply to her situation

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/08/2023 10:56

This is OTT
She's your mother, yes, it wasn't necessary to look at them, but so what?
Unless you have some hidden medical condition she is unaware of, I don't see why you're so sensitive and to be frank if this is all you have to worry about, you're very lucky

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2023 10:56

So you’d left them out, these top secret medications? YABU op. And go And pick Her up and bring her to yours.

Hbh17 · 21/08/2023 10:56

It's your house, OP, so you can invite (or not) whoever you like. Being old is not an excuse for invading your privacy. You have choices!

TonTonMacoute · 21/08/2023 11:02

Sounds like an overreaction.

It is surely possible to say to 'please don't go through my stuff', firmly but politely, to your own mum? Isn't it?

JusthereforXmas · 21/08/2023 11:03

Not an over reaction... my house is my sanctuary and private space. We did IVF and didn't tell anyone (our fertility and sex life is not 'gossip') and I had cystosarcoma and never told anyone. I would hit the fucking roof at someone invading my privacy.

My mother had form for snooping through my medical records, she also liked to tell everyone in really dramatic ways.

Why do some people feel so entitled to go through others stuff?

HarrietJet · 21/08/2023 11:03

Why do you keep saying you're an ostrich? What does it mean?

Barfvader · 21/08/2023 11:03

The other day my mum went through my receipt from superdrug. Was just glad I hadn't bought condoms! She also asked me how to turn on my phone when it was sitting beside her and she couldnt open it. It's invasive but I'm not going to cut her out for being extremely nosy.

TeeBee · 21/08/2023 11:04

Your mother sounds as though she's doing amazingly for someone who is 88! Besides the point I know.
Given her age, if she has been a good mother otherwise and she is still making an effort to get on a bus to visit you, I'd try to forgive her. Yes, she was being nosy. Yes, it is an invasion of your privacy. However, would it just take a 'oh mum, please don't snoop through my personal stuff, it feels invasive'? Surely that all it takes...having an adult conversation??

Adelaide66 · 21/08/2023 11:05

Pick your battles. She wasn't taking your medication.

Moanycowbag · 21/08/2023 11:11

I think as people age they become obsessed by their medical history/pill taking, or at least my parents have and like to play a metaphorical top trumps with medication and ailments.

Is your medication in a cupboard or sat out in plain sight, if in plain sight then yes your mum maybe shouldn't have looked but myself as a naturally curious/nosy person may have glanced at it, but if it was in a cupboard then I would regard that as snooping and a no no.

If I noticed my mum looking at things that I didn't want her too I would just cough and say 'curiosity and cat and all that' with a raised eyebrow, if I caught her rifling through a cupboard then she would told to keep her 'beak out'

Mirabai · 21/08/2023 11:16

Pipsquiggle · 21/08/2023 10:34

I don't understand the ostrich reference.

If she does something like this again - tell her. I don't understand all the drama around this unless there is a huge backstory of her being an addict &/or a gossip etc

I’m assuming OP identities as an ostrich.