The relentlessness of children

[aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh]

They're constantly in my face. Wanting to climb on me and sit on me. Patting me/ pulling on my clothes/ hair. Jumping on the sofa, climbing on tables.

They constant crying and constant tantrums when they can't have their way.

I just can't ! Taking them out is a nightmare, so is staying in. It's just a nightmare. Everything is difficult. I hate every day.

I'm not even a stay at home parent. I work and they go to nursery. But they're still breaking me at night / in the morning and in the evenings/ weekends.

Nappy changes are a nightmare. My 1 year old acts like he's being murdered. Constant tantrums. Taking my 3 year old to any activity / soft play often results in arguments as she just doesn't get sharing ( I know that's normal but it's still difficult ). When I discipline her she just gets worse and starts throwing stuff at me. Nothing gets through at all, ever.

But most of all, the constant demands are killing me. Not even a cup of coffee in peace without one of them trying to grab it or cry about something it demand something. I just can't. I don't even have night time to myself as one or the other is crying or wanting something from me.

I do have a partner but he's just never here because he's always working. So it's my problem. Just needed to rant. I sometimes just don't know how I can get through this.

Tired mother of a 3 and 1 year old.

I find using firm, repetitive and literal language is really helpful. With immediate consequences. No threats.

"You snatched the toy. Snatching is not kind. I cannot let you snatch so I have to take you out". And immediately removing the child for a few moments and she goes back in when she is calm and has agreed not to snatch again.

"You snatched again. We agreed to no snatching in soft play. Snatching is not kind. I have to take you out now". And repeat the same consequence - sitting out until she is calm and agrees not to snatch.

And you really do have to watch them closely and intervene immediately every single time it happens. Which is really intensive in the short term but pays off in the long term and you will have to do it less and less.

This is so much more consistent and understandable for a preschool age vs "stop snatching" > no consequence > "stop snatching or we will go home" > no consequence > "that's it we're going home" (parent also likely to be upset and not calm at this point) > fun chase > made to go home!!! No opportunity to calm down. Reactive to your own understandable emotions (frustration, upset, embarrassed etc). No opportunity to discuss why snatching is not good or to agree to not snatch (because she is too emotionally activated by the massive consequence of going home and your emotional state). Unable to link consequences to snatching because from her perspective the consequences of snatching are inconsistent and range from nothing to the nuclear option.

Mine are 3 and 4 and it is relentless!
A friend says it improves when the youngest turns 6. I am clinging onto that!
Mine are lovely but under fives are universally hard work!!

Oh I forgot to add- there were quite a few times when my DH was home at weekends that I took my lunch into the loo, locked the door and ate there. I kid you not. Just to eat somewhere they couldn’t get me (DH was looking after them but with 3 someone would always be calling for me and grabbing on to me)

I have Bose Quiet Comfort II earbuds which cuts down on a good portion of the noise sensitivity for me. They're expensive but not a lot in the grand scheme of things as I see them as an integral part of me being a good parent. Infact I've just had a mild panic attack from the crunching of a cuppa chuppa lolly (and my eldest actively seeking me out to crunch it at me when he realised how much the noise upset me 😅😬, he'll be turning 4 next week), but the earbuds have restored calm as they block 99% of the noise when they're at full strength.

I also have a very explosive little person (DS almost 4) where standard discipline hasn't worked. Me and DH read "The Explosive child" and I'd definitely recommend it. The techniques in there aren't a quick fix but I can definitely see how it might help over time and it's an approach we haven't tried yet. We've also read "the book you wish your parents had read" and "how to talk so little people listen" and "listen so little people talk". I recommend audio books with earbuds in when going through long drawn out bed times. I figure if I'm not going to get an evening, it feels fitting that I at least use it to try to improve my parenting and then maybe I'll get and evening eventually 😅😁

I get it OP, I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old too. The 3 year old has ASD and probably ADHD, and has the understanding of of an 18-24 month old, and is a major flight risk, to the point where we can only go to parks with one exit. DH works pretty much 7 days a week, I'm a sahm and we have no family help whatsoever. Some days I think I might actually be going insane from the constant noise and being climbed on!

I mean if you are going to have 2 kids only 2 years apart, it is going to be a challenge.

Can your partner take them out at the weekend to give you a break? Surely he doesn't work 7 days a week. Can grandparents take the older one out?

I found it much harder working and then looking after the dc around my job, I kind of adapted as a SAHP and found it easier than flicking from one role to another. You adjust to the noise, get used to having a little person constantly with you and it becomes normal as a SAHP. Where as working does give you time to look after yourself, eat, have regular breaks and not have anyone demanding anything for five days a week, no wonder it feels full on when you are with them.

What you are describing is normal toddler behaviour, nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever, but it feels a lot to you because you don’t do it day in and day out.

I still think longingly of the mother I once saw bring a book to soft play… and she read it!

Shes who I want to be when I grow up

Sorry kitkat post was silly but also remembered when mine were little I joined a gym which had crèche. I enjoyed the classes while they played.

I hear you OP! I have a 4 year old, 2 year old and a 1 year old and the despair I have felt in the past 2 weeks as my 1 year old morphs into a toddler… I don’t know how to do the next 2 years, I really don’t. Give me strength.

From what I gather this is a phase but it’s a bloody long one. I don’t recommend having a third child if you want this phase to pass.

Toddler and baby mum here. I hear you!

Solidarity, my three year old is so mean😩and apparently always grumpy, everything is no no no, don't want to, don't like that etc.
He dropped his nap about 3 months ago and has been so hard since then but he was refusing to sleep until gone nine so I didn't feel like I had a choice.

I HATE shouting but I find myself shouting daily because he just ignores me 99% of the time.

Thankfully my 18mo is fairly pleasant atm she has just grown out of her velcro baby stage which was also hard, in a different way.

Total sympathy. Mine are 12 and 10 now and are thoroughly lovely human beings - we're just back from a holiday that I genuinely enjoyed as it was such fun being with them - but when they were 3 and 1 they were hideous. I have a photo of them in the garden around that age that looks lovely but when I look at it I remember that I took it in the one five minute window when someone wasn't screaming or throwing something.

If you have any energy to improve the 3 year old's behaviour I would echo what others have said about being very very rigid with consequences. It's bloody annoying at first but it really does pay off. I went out with a friend recently who has a very tantrummy four year old and I noticed she was wishy washy with consequences which was only making situation worse - the poor child felt he had control and felt compelled to use it because that's what they're like at that age, then couldn't handle it and things kept spiralling. One thing he kept doing was getting close to his older sister and forcing her to hold his hand. Older sister would then understandably get annoyed and cause a fuss, leading to a whole hoo-ha. I know it sounds extreme but that way I would have dealt with that situation with my two would be to keep a constant distance between them and as soon as I'd see the younger one start to move towards the older one with intent, I'd step in and distract, just defuse the situation before it could kick off. Equally with the snatching you mention I'd be watching like a hawk and step in as soon as it looked like it was going to happen -don't let it go ahead at all if possible or if you don't manage to catch it, give immediate consequences. It's the only thing that works at that age. It's intense but over time it becomes less necessary. I also notice that a lot of parents are quite feeble and uncertain when it comes to discipline - I'm a former teacher and feeble teachers get eaten alive so with my two it was always a firm no and that was it - no room for any manoeuvre. It works well as kids know where they stand. It also cuts out unnecessary discussion - If I say no it's a no, no point in arguing, no need to get worked up.

That said, they are a nightmare at that age and so if you do try to change things and it doesn't work that's not your fault. Sometimes it's just a matter of them growing the hell up and becoming less monster-like.

Would you believe I'm nostalgic for that time? The brain is a weird thing.

It's totally and completely horrendous, a living nightmare, I lost my mind. Do whatever you can to hang on in there, it will eventually get better. It's all worth it but God I feel for you.

It sounds like you've tried everything. I totally feel you. Especially with the sleep deprived state we're all in!

Have you read 'how to talk so little kids will listen'? The best part is, it has a summary of each chapter, so you can skip to the techniques. It really does diffuse 99% of my 3 yo's tantrums. Granted I only have one kid (and one on the way - so ask me in a year how I'm doing with it), but it seems to really work with him!

That's a very difficult age gap. I would see other parents trying to juggle dc of that age and knew I wouldn't cope with it. We had DC2 when our eldest was nearly 4, so she was more verbal and independent so was able to listen better and occupy herself while I had my hands full with the baby. Just can't imagine trying to manage them both when DC1 was just a toddler, they both really need your attention at that age.

Yeah it's not a good gap at all. It was always hard, but since baby 2 has been walking, it's become a lot more difficult. He also has his own tantrums that go on for absolutely ages. Often they're both screaming at the same time and I just feel sick and angry / sad.

I work from home so it's not easy, as I do see them and they get upset when I leave etc. like just now I came out to make some lunch and let my 3 year old stir eggs for an omelette. She really enjoyed it and I let her stir for ages. I then needed to cook it and she just absolutely lost it. I tried to distract by getting her to help me with something else, but there was nothing to be done.

The one year old also wanted to be picked up by me at the same time and whilst my nanny was trying to help, it was absolutely impossible for a good 10 minutes of both of them relentlessly screaming.

I try not to come out of my office as much as I can, but usually come out at lunch time and have lunch with them. It will be better when they're at nursery as I also find it hard to get work done when they're here. Now I'm just hiding.

I think the saying is, "The days go slow but the years go fast" when it comes to looking after small children and then you look back, and suddenly they're no longer little. The years have gone fast - but oh, the relentlessness of those early years! Slow and torturous.

I can see that you are receiving some great advice and empathy and all I can say is, "This too will pass".

And yes, if you can do sleep training and the like, get out and busy, have a routine (mine had an hour's "rest time" in their rooms after lunch while I recharged my frazzled batteries). In the meantime, this really is the hardest job in the world and you're amazing

@Timeturnerplease Yes 2yos are like tiny drunken dictators

This made me laugh!

My kids are similar ages to yours. Try and create some boundaries for yourself, which is incredibly difficult and gets easier the more practice you have. “Mummy needs 5 minutes of space around her body. I love you and we can have a nice big cuddle when I’ve had my time. Get yourself some wireless headphones to listen to some music which can help zone the many different noises out. Cheaper alternative is loop earplugs, but I’ve not found those that effective if I’m honest. My youngest is heartbroken any time I put him down, so end up carrying him around most of the time, but the times I really need to put him down and he will cry a lot, I take deep breaths and tell myself “I need to have both hands free for safety/to give my arms a break. I deserve this” and I will also tell my son “I’m just here. You’re finding this hard, I won’t be long”. It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but by doing this you’re setting yourself up for success if they see you putting healthy boundaries in place and when they’re more used to it it will feel worth it in the long run. Also, you’re teaching them that it’s okay to have boundaries for yourself and in turn, they won’t feel guilty doing it for themselves in future.

3 and 1 is the absolute coalface. It will get much better, I promise you.

Oh op it’s really really bloody hard physically and emotionally. It really is and you have my sympathy because I remember it well.

i don’t know what to suggest except the gritting of teeth and holding on for the better times that will come, promise.

big solidarity to you. Ignore the “you shouldn’t have had them if you can’t manage” because why is that helpful. Nobody knows how tough it is before they do it and what Are you going to do? Push them back up your fanjo?

OP I really feel for you. 3 was the WORST age for my eldest, I hated taking him anywhere as I couldn't trust him with other kids (he would get aggressive) plus he would scream and run off whenever it was time to leave anywhere so i woild eventually have to carry him out, and it completely broke me. But a few years on he is a dream and so much easier and enjoyable to be around. Nothing to do with consequences or punishments etc, he just developed. As will yours.

they get easier but you are right in the thick of it atm. I completely relate to the feeling of being touched out too. When it gets noisy, take them outside. Even just in the garden if you have one, noise doesn't seem so disturbing in an open space.

Good luck OP, we hear you!

Thier father needs to step up.