The relentlessness of children

[aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh]

They're constantly in my face. Wanting to climb on me and sit on me. Patting me/ pulling on my clothes/ hair. Jumping on the sofa, climbing on tables.

They constant crying and constant tantrums when they can't have their way.

I just can't ! Taking them out is a nightmare, so is staying in. It's just a nightmare. Everything is difficult. I hate every day.

I'm not even a stay at home parent. I work and they go to nursery. But they're still breaking me at night / in the morning and in the evenings/ weekends.

Nappy changes are a nightmare. My 1 year old acts like he's being murdered. Constant tantrums. Taking my 3 year old to any activity / soft play often results in arguments as she just doesn't get sharing ( I know that's normal but it's still difficult ). When I discipline her she just gets worse and starts throwing stuff at me. Nothing gets through at all, ever.

But most of all, the constant demands are killing me. Not even a cup of coffee in peace without one of them trying to grab it or cry about something it demand something. I just can't. I don't even have night time to myself as one or the other is crying or wanting something from me.

I do have a partner but he's just never here because he's always working. So it's my problem. Just needed to rant. I sometimes just don't know how I can get through this.

Tired mother of a 3 and 1 year old.

Sending sympathy 💐
One thing o did build in with mine was the concept of 'mummy's half hour' (gleaned from my mum), where I trained my kids that in this time they weren't allowed to interrupt me or ask for things (the loo and emergencies excepted) while mummy has a cup of coffee.
Your 3 year old is just about old enough to start understanding and your one year old will learn by watching.
Obviously you don't do half an hour in one go - build up. But it's important they learn patience.

I had a dd who absolutely would not sleep at night. She seemed to need less sleep than other people and she could scream blue bloody murder at bedtime. I used to think my neighbours would call social services because they thought she was getting murdered. She could maintain a tantrum for hours. Eventually though, we cracked the sleep training. We did same routine every night - bath, a couple of stories in bed , then she was allowed to look at books or quiet toys in bed until she was tired. But no getting up to play or wander the house.
You kind of just have to train them to accept your rules, but it's slow going.

Try and get them out and about to run off energy - make the garden (if you have one) child proof and sit outside with a coffee and let them play and get tired. Try to make indoors a quiet zone, so Lego, puzzles that kind of thing and no jumping . I bought a mini rebounder and when DS was little if he wanted to jump indoors he went on that. I bought it for me but it turned out to be quite useful.

It's a tough time but try to start setting the habits you want now and it does get easier.

I'm also a great believer in putting them in nursery and taking a day off just for you

OP, two toddlers is HARD WORK. Clutter, tantrums, violence (them), exhaustion (you), illnesses (everyone!) … everything takes far longer and far more effort than it should… trying to do anything “on time” is impossible. Add to that, running a home, having a career, not having a DP who pulls their weight. It’s a lot.

So you are absolutely entitled to feel frazzled and overwhelmed.

my tips are:

invite a friend or family member over and laugh about the chaos with a cup of tea.

Buy a few big laundry bag type things to sweep toys into, then have a proper clear out every day.

Slow cooker meals like soup or casserole, or pasta, boiled eggs, tuna sandwiches for tea etc. Easy favourites on a repeat cycle. Always have something on standby to cook quickly in case you CBA.

For the afternoons: safe space in the garden, even if it’s wet. Get a plastic baby fence thing to stop the youngest from escaping, put foam mats down, add toys, and plonk them outside where you can see them. Noise is somehow diluted outside (don’t do this at 5am though!).

On rainy days: same thing inside - I used to put a huge squishy old duvet on the kitchen floor with a bag of dried penne pasta and loads of pans and wooden spoons. Kids would play “cooking” for ages.

Do click and collect if possible, you can put the trolley together while the kids are in the bath.

Housework: reduce it. Change beds and clothes less often. Never iron. Reduce clutter to minimum.

aaaaaand …. Best tip: have one weekend a.m. and one weekday evening off every week. Tell DH he is doing the whole lot that day (meal plan for him though or they’ll be eating pizza!)

Op, you need to throw the kitchen sink at solutions.

Book a few days off work and put the dc in nursery as normal. Come home, sleep, watch a film, lie in bed. Book a massage. Even if you are signed off, you need to take this time. You sound perilously close to burn out, and dc pick up on this and for reason I have never understood - seem to react to it - in my experience.

You need a break, not next month - now.

Dp needs to step up, it’s not okay for him to check out and work all of the time. They are his dc too.

A cleaner?

OP I can’t believe some of the messages I’m reading please know that we aren’t all as mean.

Little kids are so relentless and draining and at the time it feels like it’s never ending, and I think people are lying if they say they haven’t felt like this at some point. Mine were 4 and 1 when we had lockdown and I literally needed therapy afterwards!

One of the biggest things I’d say if make some time for yourself, even 10 mins a day for a face mask in peace or listen to a meditation, have a bath, just something that’s just for you.

A playpen worked wonders for our youngest at 1, use a travel cot with toys in if you don’t have one. Set time aside for active play, and then treat time where they have a snack and watch a program they like so you can have a chance at a coffee! Definitely meet up with other moms, you’ll be surprised how much others feel the same and it’s an extra pair of eyes and hands when you need them.

As others have said I found being out the house so much easier, so go to a soft play and get yourself a piece of cake, take a walk to the park and the. At least the 1 year old is in their buggy, visit grandparents and let them help a bit.

I hear you, OP. You're in the most overwhelming phase of parenting. It does get easier as they become more rational, but that doesn't help you now!

I always used to go in to watch them sleep. It really did help me cope with the difficulty of the day and helped me de-stress. I had 3 aged 4 and under and that was hard.

The book How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen might help with your 3-year-old. We didn't follow it completely, but there are techniques that really helped us get through to our kids.

I also think your dh needs to do more. You aren't a sahm and it's not right he's opting out of the difficulties of parenting. He also needs to book some time off and give you a break.

It gets easier. I only have 1, but up to 18m I found really tough and from about 3 it did get better quite quickly. DD is 6 now and honestly, she knows how to push my buttons and wind me up. But generally she’s an absolute joy. I wouldn’t have said that when she was 1!

Ignore this person Op 🤦‍♀️ they are clearly rude and looking to have a dig at you

You're working and have help but it's not the same as having your partner do his fair share. It's bound to be hard. Ultimately you need to work on their sleep so either take some time off and solidly do sleep training or just let the 1 year old sleep in your bed. They are still very little and if it helps you function in the day so be it. I'd be having a conversation with your oh about how their job doesn't work for your family and what are the options to make life easier.

Mine are 4 & 2, everyday is a struggle, they screech, throw things, use the furniture as gymnastics equipment, bully each other, hit each other, me and their dad. Oldest is autistic as well. It’s exhausting, both mentally and physically.

Oldest wants something every 30 seconds and instead of gently tapping, pointing or writing what he wants (he’s non verbal), he will just scream at full volume until I figure out what he wants and give it to him. We spend half the day telling them to stop doing something because it’s usually something dangerous and the other half trying to calm one down because the other just hit them. Just as I’m typing this my daughter lobbed a toy cake mixer at her brothers head so he pushed her over in retaliation.

I don’t have any advice or healthy coping strategies to share but you’re not alone

You do have to be strict about them not throwing things though. Even at this young age they are old enough to understand the word no. Throwing toys at each other was something I never let slide, even though sometimes it was really tempting to not get into the whole tantrum that would ensue after telling them off! I also got rid of the wooden toys that looked lovely but were heavy and had sharp corners until they were out of that phase.

I found these the absolute hardest ages OP (yes including teens!), it will get better. Hang in there.

Oooo op i feel you i have a 6 year old and clingy 9 month old.
Currently still on maternity leave husband works long hours. I would just like to pee without being screamed for or my 6 year old walking in to tell me something important 😂

I had a breakdown on friday and just cried because i was so touched out. Once that was out we were meeting a friend and her kids and i said silence in the car while we were driving there listening to my music that really helped.

Its needing space when you cant get it is so hard we are only human no one can cope with the demands all the time. Especially when they are that young like yours op.

3 and 1 is a killer; I had 3.5 and 1 last summer and I actually looked forward to going back to work in September (teacher) for a break!

Hang in there - this summer with 4.5 and 2 is much much easier. Yes 2yos are like tiny drunken dictators, but 4.5yos are actually nice humans and can be very helpful. Case in point; DD1 just spent 40 minutes in the garden making ‘potions’ with DD2 and I was able to stay in the house and sort out the washing.

I’m told 5 and 3 is even easier, so there is hope for us all.

Damn posted to soon the lids decided to start crawling on me 😂

I follow Anna Mathur on instagram and facebook and listen to her podcast about parenting and motherhood so helpful and makes you feel less alone and that its ok to feel the way you do. Id really recommend it

UGH I hear you. My youngest is 5 now and it's generally much better than when they were the ages of yours (my oldest is a peaceful self-amusing dream) but they will STILL do things like randomly stick their fingers in my bellybutton or their hand up my skirt and it makes me want to scream. I just ordered some of those earplugs that take the edge off noise because that's definitely something I struggle with when I'm tired or stressed.

It does get better. These days I can take mine to soft play or the playground and park it with a book and they only come back when they want drinks and snacks. Hang in there.

OP I’m right there with you. 1&3 yo also. “Relentless” is often the word I use.

I find it easier out of the house, but there’s still the arguments. Took them to the beach yesterday and they had simultaneous meltdowns. Felt like a walking contraceptive ad.

I find a sneaky day off now and then while they’re at nursery is a big reset. Won’t be able to do it when they’re in school as I’ll need the leave for holidays but I’m hoping they’ll leave me alone a bit more by then.

OP - mine are 8, 5, 5 now.

But I remember having a 4yo and 2x 1yos!! OMG.

So for me:

• every morning, GET OUT. I know it's hard. Buy a twin buggy (would recommend Mountain Buggy Duet), have a bag with all the tricks in (spare clothes, plasters snacks etc) and just GET OUT. Park, free museum, NT property, walk, wherever. The outdoor time and fresh air, even in rainy weather, will help so much.
• for the 3yo - classes. My now-8yo DD was relentless because she was jealous. So we started her on kiddie drama, something that 'the twins are too little for, but you're a big girl' and it helped her to have her own thing.
• If the bad behaviour persists - martial arts. Sounds odd? One of my 5yos has had seriously stubborn behaviour (hitting, biting, endless jumping in the house, throwing things etc). We enrolled her in a martial arts class for 4-6yos when she hit 4 and it's worked wonders. It's all about concentration, co-ordination, self-discipline, confidence... it's made a huge difference.
• Second meeting up with a mum friend to do something, or sister/ grandparent. Is so much easier. When ours were really little, DH used to just take them to his parents' for one day a week. DMIL later said she had to gee herself up for that day because it was so intense!

But above everything, get out of the house, If you are WFH and then having the kids there, you need to be somewhere else.

As others have said, this stage is one of the toughest. It shall pass. I remember how the noise of electronic toys used to set my teeth in edge when I was frazzled.
Could you implement the beginnings of a ‘quiet time’ for 5 then 10 then 15mins with sticker/ star/ undivided time with mummy rewards for the 3yr old. Demonstrate how it’s done, provide quiet activities and snuggle toys or art equipment and make it an attractive thing to do.

I always used a story tape or a short blast of a cartoon after lunch to at least claw back some time for a tidy-up or cup of tea.

Im going to say this and know I’ll probably be roasted, but I stopped tolerating the screaming. Children can have fun and be self-expressive without screaming. Obviously different for a 1yr old, but by 3 I would say a child can understand that screaming means removal of a toy, attention or it makes mummy feel sad etc…. Any loud screaming in the garden means coming back indoors. It worked for us.

Are they in the same room? Our sleep problems got much better when we moved house and they were forced to share a bedroom while we renovated. I was terrified as we had one good sleeper and one bad one. But the bad one improved immeasurably and the good one was not woken by the crying.

Also, can you afford a cleaner? That will help.

Finally, we had the same setup as yours for a few months (I worked from home and the nanny was downstairs) -- it was a nightmare, they knew I was in and were wailing for me all the time. I couldn't go down to make a cup of coffee without WW3 breaking out. So we put them in nursery and things became easier (plus they are exposed to the germs they need to be exposed to before starting school, which makes things easier later).

I don't think I managed to finish a hot drink before they were 2. You need sleep and then things will be easier. Try taking a nap in your lunch hour? Set your alarm to wake in 45 min, so as not to start another sleep cycle. This is taught to Norland nannies and is how I coped with twins round the clock (though I rarely had that long to sleep).

Good luck!!

I feel you sister! 1 year old and 3 year old. It’s brutal. I feel so so touched out a lot of the time. My 3 year old can have really good well behaved days and he’s pretty good when we are out. But some days are just no 😂 x

Screaming is absolutely not ok. My DD is 3 and a half. She needs to learn not to scream.

I just cannot get through to her. I've done the removal of a toy thing. I've done time outs and I've also completely ignored her. Nothing makes any difference.

Some days, if she doesn't get her way, she just throws herself on the floor screaming and crying.

I can't even get her to tidy up regularly. Sometimes she's up for it together with a song etc and a game. Other times she crosses her hands and just says no and throws more toys around. I feel like I nothing I do changes anything.

As for taking them out. That's also absolutely exhausting. Then they just have meltdowns and tantrums on public.

I had a bit more of a gap with my two (not by choice) so not quite the same, but my god you've just reminded me of how hard these times were. I think it's a bit like childbirth and your mind does blur the memories as tye kids get older, but yes, it is incredibly tough.

Two things I'd recommend is hard-core sleep training. I used to get 1,5hrs between every waking with my ds and I was a barely functioning zombie in the day. Did controlled crying for about 3 nights and he's slept "like a baby" ever since.

Secondly, a friend recommend Breaking the energy when it got too much in the house. ie get outside, go for a drive, just do something to break the mood. Put some music on etc. It may not work for you, but it sometimes did for me.

From the amount of responses you've got I hope you feel you've got a lot of support (just ignore the odd few who've obviously got issues). Stick with it. This too shall pass.

Sorry, cross posted re going out. May I suggest a nice gin?