The relentlessness of children

[aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh]

They're constantly in my face. Wanting to climb on me and sit on me. Patting me/ pulling on my clothes/ hair. Jumping on the sofa, climbing on tables.

They constant crying and constant tantrums when they can't have their way.

I just can't ! Taking them out is a nightmare, so is staying in. It's just a nightmare. Everything is difficult. I hate every day.

I'm not even a stay at home parent. I work and they go to nursery. But they're still breaking me at night / in the morning and in the evenings/ weekends.

Nappy changes are a nightmare. My 1 year old acts like he's being murdered. Constant tantrums. Taking my 3 year old to any activity / soft play often results in arguments as she just doesn't get sharing ( I know that's normal but it's still difficult ). When I discipline her she just gets worse and starts throwing stuff at me. Nothing gets through at all, ever.

But most of all, the constant demands are killing me. Not even a cup of coffee in peace without one of them trying to grab it or cry about something it demand something. I just can't. I don't even have night time to myself as one or the other is crying or wanting something from me.

I do have a partner but he's just never here because he's always working. So it's my problem. Just needed to rant. I sometimes just don't know how I can get through this.

Tired mother of a 3 and 1 year old.

I remember one of mine lying on the floor outside a shop kicking and screaming for about 20 minutes. And last week I saw a poor woman in Tesco whose dd had a complete strop for about half an hour. There's nothing you can do about this, just be calm and ignore it. They'll rage even more but eventually calm down enough for you to talk to them! You're not alone

Might sound ridiculous but have you taught her “deep breath”. Every time she begins to get upset or frustrated, you do a deep breath and then use words. Takes a while to bed in, but my 3.5yo was getting really frustrated by a friend knocking his blocks over and I saw him do that before coming to me.
The 1yo has picked it up by osmosis too!

If it’s past that and they’re really kicking off, I do something physical. Make them run, jump, stamp on the floor - anything to get that energy out, before addressing the behaviour when calm. I’ve no idea if that’s the right thing to do but when they’re tantruming, nothing gets through anyway.

Also - do you follow your threats through? “If you scream one more time, we go home” … that means you go home immediately when they scream. No second warnings, no final chances, drag their ass out of there. They soon catch on

This worked so well on my then 3yo that he once used it on me! I had a terrible day once where I felt like I was failing at both work and home and sobbed in front of said 3yo, and he stroked my arm gently and said "deep breaths" 😁

@donkra 🤣 I’ve had it back several times! It really does bring you back down to Earth! (Whilst slightly patronising you!)

Yep, they balance it out with cuteness and being funny but mostly they’re irrational and illogical in how they think. I much prefer older dc. People dread the teen years but honestly, teens are a breeze in comparison! Hang in there.

That made my eyes prickle!

My top tip for this age group is to have a packet of kitkats in the bathroom. When you are contemplating leaving your house and never returning you go into the bathroom and switch the shower on and sit on the toilet to eat your kitkat. The sound from the shower cover the crunching and make sure you lock the door.

I've stopped asking/pleading with my OH to be at home more.

When I feel like you do, I just book a babysitter now. Appreciate not everyone can do this, but it saves a lot of stress. Sometimes I just need some time without being whined at, cried at or pawed at.

I leave some food, apologise for the mess and walk out.

Secret treat eating and just throwing some money at having somebody else take over are also very valid solutions.

I swear by saving 1-2 days of annual leave a year for myself when the children still go to childcare, so that you can shop/go to a museum/lie in bed watching trashy TV all day/whatever you want. It's actually easier to do while the DC are preschool as well than it is when they start school. Make sure you do it.

I think you need to plan more involvement from your husband if at all possible. Is there anyone else that can give you a break?

Try ear plugs / noise reducing headphones.

I put on the radio or a podcast that I can find interesting whilst playing with them indoors for extended periods (obviously something that isn't scary or has adult language or anything like that!). Reduces the boredom.

Try to get them into "helping" you with chores as a game. Obviously they don't help at all but it does at least make it possible to do some chores whilst they're around.

Embrace / facilitate messy play. Spend whatever you can on making messy play possible and easier for you (special trays, sheets on the floor etc). This type of play just seems to keep them busier for longer. Get them to do it naked then get them in the bath afterward. Takes up ages with less involvement from you than a lot of other stuff.

Establish a routine of them sitting in front of the TV whilst you have a short break. It's easier if it's always at the same time of day (but not close to bedtime!) I prefer first thing in the morning so I can sort my head out.

I fully exploit bath time. With a few toys they'll stay in the bath for an hour sometimes. I just stay nearby enough to hear them chatting/babbling and pop in every few minutes. Or pre bedtime can be getting their bedtime stuff ready. Sometimes they have two baths a day lol. Most times I don't put soap or bubbles in because it would dry them out too much!

Pack their bags for the day out the night before when they're asleep. Then you can get going without starting the day all stressed trying to get everything ready whilst they clamber all over you and cause mayhem. 1 is really difficult because they can't move around a lot more it will be so much easier going out when they're a bit older.

If at all possible go out with families with other children. Mine are so much less clingy when they're with other children and we all have a much better day out. Do whatever you can to meet and befriend other parents with similarly aged children.

If you can afford it take them to paid clubs. Gives you even that half hour of another adult supervising them, allows you to meet other parents of similarly aged children, adds structure to your days and gets them to use some energy.

It will get easier. They'll sleep better and play a lot more together when they're 4 and 2.

It's so difficult when you're really stressed and in the thick of it but you've got to be able to stay calm and regulate your own emotions as well. Gentle parenting works a lot better than threats and shouting (though absolutely everyone has been there!). I find my children pick up on my mood and when I'm not coping or am becoming dysregulated they pick up on it and their behaviour gets worse. Sometimes we just all have to stop, have a cuddle, talk about how we're feeling and then we can reset together. I think it's better to leave briefly and calm yourself down then enter into an escalation / battle of wills / lose your temper.

Also definitely take some AL whilst they are in nursery.

Switching between different strategies for the behaviour can cause problems too because she's confused about what's going to happen when she misbehaves. It also means you're trying to decide on the spot each time how to deal with it, which is exhausting. Time outs sound good because it gives you the chance to calm down as well. You just have to be 100% consistent with it so she knows exactly what the boundaries are. Like sleep training, it will work if you do the same thing every single time.

I really do ! And we do leave, but I'm not sure she gets it, by the time I've packed everything up and got them both ready, she is sometimes still screaming/ other times she's forgotten by that point and will find a new thing to scream about. For example leaving soft play because she kept snatching toys from a child...

I told her to take turns and stop snatching.. it's like when I tell her what to do/ what not to do, it sets her off to do it even more. So she starts running around and keeps running back and snatching the toy from another child. She does it a couple of times again after I asked her to take turns. So then I say, ' ok if you continue, we need to go home '. Of course she continues..

I then say ' ok we are going home because you keep snatching the toy, even though I asked you not to '. Then she runs off laughing... I eventually catch her and start getting her ready to go. At this point she starts screaming and crying saying she wants to stay and I explain that we can only stay if she listens to mummt and takes turn with other children and doesn't make them sad ( or something along those lines ) and because she wasn't listening/ taking turns, we need to go home. She cries and screams and kicks. By the time we get out, she is stills screaming and sees a balloon which she now wants to play with immediately. I say ' no we are going home '. More screaming ensues...

I wrestle her into the car... she's red with rage... tears everywhere. I somehow manage to buckle her up and she's left kicking her legs against the front seat. I ignore and take deep breaths. Screaming at her prolongs the episode. Eventually she calms down and sometimes she says sorry. I then ask her why are you sorry ? And she says for snatching the toy and not listening.

This kind of thing happens almost every time we go out. I dread going out with her because it always ends this way. And even if I didn't remove her because she was snatching etc, she has a tantrum because she wants to keep playing on the slide of whatever. She gets upset because the activity is finished which ends in me having to drag a screaming child out. Unless I can distract her with an ice cream.

It's really tiring.

It's probably something you need to work on at home first.

'keeps running back and snatching the toy from another child. She does it a couple of times again after I asked her to take turns. So then I say, ' ok if you continue, we need to go home.'

She's getting away with it a few more times after you first said no snatching though. So she doesn't know how many times she can get away with snatching before trouble starts. After the very first time she does it I would make sure she understands really clearly that if she does it one more time she's going home. Then follow her like a hawk to catch her the second time. She's 3 and a half, she can learn this.

Some of the meltdowns could be because of poor sleep.

Listen to this poster. She speaks truths.

I think you need smaller and more immediate consequences. A big delayed consequence is not something that preschool children can understand and will just upset them massively creating huge stress for everyone (wrestling into the car, ruined afternoon etc).

So if she does not play nicely, she comes out of soft play immediately for 5 minutes. "I have to take you out of soft play because you snatched which is not kind". It has to be calm. Bland. Then she can go back in after those few minutes. If she snatches again she comes out again, straight away.
No repeated warnings, no this is what will happen, but rather this is what is happening right now because of ...

Removing from the soft play altogether is excessive and I don't think she has the cognitive capacity to understand it's related to something she did some time ago or did over a period of time. The repeated warnings are ultimately confusing because there if there is no immediate consequence they probably feel meaningless to her and your decision to then go home is not something that makes sense to her or she links to her actions. From her perspective they are also interspersed with fun/rewarding events like getting your attention or being chased. I think you need to make things much simpler.

Embrace / facilitate messy play

never.

Sending hugs, OP - I well remember the times when I had a newborn and a two year old, and the year or so after that where it is just noise and neediness!
It does change and you will get through it 💐

This is my impression as well, that she isn't able to correlate what she did wrong, with the consequence.

I usually do the ' if you do that one more time then we are leaving ' thing. But again, it doesn't correlate with leaving.

I'll try the more immediate consequence and hope for a better reaction.

And more seriously - you're not doing anything wrong. It's just really fucking hard at this age. Really really hard. As a health visitor once said to me - gritted teeth, deep breaths, chocolate biscuits

So sorry OP, having young kids is tough!! I find the no personal space really overwhelming sometimes! I 2 toddlers and a teenager (teenagers are hard but at least they don’t want to be around 😂)

My house is always a mess, there’s always noise, like you I work but from home so I do get to do some bits in my lunch break. It does get easier but when your in it it can be so hard.
If you have anyone you trust with the kids overnight and they are willing to help, do it! Or let your partner have them and go and book into a hotel so you can enjoy some alone time. You need a break it sounds like. But I promise it does get easier x

I hear you OP. My 3 yo can be thoroughly unpleasant at times and I’ve still not found the best way to get through to him. I’ve got a newborn as well so quite often I’ve found myself being shouty mum when I’m completely overwhelmed, which definitely doesn’t work, but I have no capacity for anything else. Im at soft play with them both at the moment and there are 2 kids, probably about 8 and 6 running round together while their mum does work on a laptop. Shy of occasional discipline she literally doesn’t have to do much for them. Keep swimming because this will be us too eventually!

Yes it’s hard. I had 1 year old twins and a 3 year old and also husband who was out working 7-8pm.
someone was always crying for the first couple of years it felt like- often me too!
I was a SAHM as the childcare cost was too expensive with 3. I was with them all day every day.
sometimes I even shut myself in the bathroom and had to count to 10 slowly whilst they were crying outside just to calm down.
It a hard time.
It does change and get easier when the eldest starts school.
Im 10 years on now and it feels like a life time ago!

I hear you!!! I remember being overwhelmed and took young child to soft play with MIL. MIL looked after him and I sat in a corner to breathe... And then someone else's child came up to me and kept repeating a sentence over and over and over again as I wasn't acknowledging them! I will never forget that.

I remember locking myself in the garage once to drink a HOT coffee and eat dinner in peace.