Some context: my father and his wife (my mum passed away long ago) have come to visit. They are in their 70s and have retired in South America. They love to see their grandchildren (my children, ages 7 and 3). However, given the long flights (10+ hours) and the fact that we can’t fly very often, we are limited to visits once every year or two.
My father is staying for 3 weeks this time. We have a big enough house (garden and separate guest room with en-suite) so it’s not an issue of space. But my husband is pissed off.
to be fair, I also think 3 weeks is excessive and I’m a little annoyed my dad booked such a long trip — I even told him over the phone to keep it to 1-2 weeks but he ignored me. I feel like 10 days would have been sufficient as a compromise.
my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home. Whereas my husband is very progressive and believes men and women should approach housework 50/50. This has led to a lot of passive aggressive comments and snide remarks from my husband to my dad.
while I understand my husband, I also feel that at 70 my dad isn’t going to change and as he’s here for only a while every 1-2 years we could just live with it for the benefit of the kids having some kind of relationship with their grandparents. I want him to get to know my kids and it’s nice to see him after all this time even with all his faults.
my husband is fed up — even though I am the one who takes on the burden of housework and feeding and managing the extra people. and I’ve even told my husband to take advantage of this time to work late these days (something he doesn’t get to do often but wants to).
anyway, I’m now almost in tears because my husband has blown up at me at how this situation is unacceptable. Like I said I understand his feelings but he’s really not said it in a nice way : he is being aggressive and shouty. And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me. He’s really really worked about it.
I’m also annoyed at my dad for not being more thoughtful and seeing how much work this creates for me to look after so many people (not just my kids but him
and his wife). But my dad has always been like this — he’s not a bad man but quite entitled. That said he would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help.
but most of all I’m annoyed at myself for not having been more assertive about my boundaries with my dad.
so open ended question :
- who is being unreasonable?
- how do I salvage this mess? (Please constructive comments only, I know I am to blame for this and in future I need to be very firm about boundaries).