husband reaction to family staying over

[Ippagoggy]

Some context: my father and his wife (my mum passed away long ago) have come to visit. They are in their 70s and have retired in South America. They love to see their grandchildren (my children, ages 7 and 3). However, given the long flights (10+ hours) and the fact that we can’t fly very often, we are limited to visits once every year or two.

My father is staying for 3 weeks this time. We have a big enough house (garden and separate guest room with en-suite) so it’s not an issue of space. But my husband is pissed off.

to be fair, I also think 3 weeks is excessive and I’m a little annoyed my dad booked such a long trip — I even told him over the phone to keep it to 1-2 weeks but he ignored me. I feel like 10 days would have been sufficient as a compromise.

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home. Whereas my husband is very progressive and believes men and women should approach housework 50/50. This has led to a lot of passive aggressive comments and snide remarks from my husband to my dad.

while I understand my husband, I also feel that at 70 my dad isn’t going to change and as he’s here for only a while every 1-2 years we could just live with it for the benefit of the kids having some kind of relationship with their grandparents. I want him to get to know my kids and it’s nice to see him after all this time even with all his faults.

my husband is fed up — even though I am the one who takes on the burden of housework and feeding and managing the extra people. and I’ve even told my husband to take advantage of this time to work late these days (something he doesn’t get to do often but wants to).

anyway, I’m now almost in tears because my husband has blown up at me at how this situation is unacceptable. Like I said I understand his feelings but he’s really not said it in a nice way : he is being aggressive and shouty. And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me. He’s really really worked about it.

I’m also annoyed at my dad for not being more thoughtful and seeing how much work this creates for me to look after so many people (not just my kids but him
and his wife). But my dad has always been like this — he’s not a bad man but quite entitled. That said he would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help.

but most of all I’m annoyed at myself for not having been more assertive about my boundaries with my dad.

so open ended question :

1. who is being unreasonable?
2. how do I salvage this mess? (Please constructive comments only, I know I am to blame for this and in future I need to be very firm about boundaries).

Who is BU?

Your Dad (and his wife).
Nobody needs guests for 3 weeks, living in their home. Even perfect guests, and it sounds like they are far from perfect guests.

No, ideally, your dh shouldn't have lost his temper, but I don't really blame him. None of us lose our tempers deliberately but your father and step mother have deliberately chosen to stay in your home for 3 weeks and are choosing to not contribute to your workload, even in minor ways.

The friends I have who visit their dc and gdc on the other side of the world do stay in the country for a month or so at the time, but don't try to live with their family there all that time. All of them do some combination of getting an apartment nearby to live in, and / or stay a few days then travel as tourists for a few days then come back to family for a few days and / or stay a few days then take family on a holiday somewhere so can spend time together but not creating work and staying in family home.

I don't know what you can do to put it right this time, but perhaps suggest a different approach for the next visit.

You suggested your 70 year old father travelled all get way from South America for potentially as little as one week? They come over every couple of years, of course they want to make I worth their while.

Your husbands so 'progressive' that he thinks it's acceptable to shout and be nasty to his wife and say he wishes he'd never met her. yeah that's really^^ progressive isn't it 🙄

He sounds like a pathetic little boy having a tantrum about having to have his in laws stay in the 'guest room with en-suite'
How on earth would he cope with real problems??
Such a snowflake.

If your dh is at work all day what real difference does it make to him how long they stay? You mention your dad but not his wife. Does she help with the children or potter about a bit tidying up etc. From what l gather the children are not your dhs so he doesn't appreciate they need to get to know their GPS. Do the couple head out anywhere or are they always just there? My dh is not great for visitors but in that situation he would just head out himself...go for a walk/ meet a friend etc. Its so rude of him to be putting so much pressure on you while you have guests as it puts a strain on the whole house and adds to your burden. He is being very selfish. I think it's common enough when people make a long journey to stay a while and it's not like they will be back next week.

You can't welcome your own father for 3 weeks every 1-2 years?! You speak as if he's never off your doorstep. What's 3 weeks every couple of years? He lives in South America its miles away you surely didn't expect him to come for a few days.

Why on earth does he have to do chores when he's here? He's your guest.

Look if you don't like your Dad then woman up and tell him not to visit. I bet when he dies you won't say no to an inheritance from him though, that your dick of a husband will also nicely benefit from.

The real issue is you've married an sulky, stroppy, petty man. What do you say when he makes snide remarks about your dad? Nothing? He's pathetic. & this is the man you're making your own Dad, your children's grandfather, unwelcome for...

Why don't you visit your Dad instead? But I bet the unpleasant manchild you've yoked yourself to would tantrum about that too.

That said he would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help

but most of all I’m annoyed at myself for not having been more assertive about my boundaries with my dad

Really?

Your husband is being rude to you and your dad. It's three weeks he needs to wind his neck in. Next time be clear to your dad you will house him for ten days then he needs to get a hotel as it's a lot of extra work. Ask your dad and wife to set table, do dishes etc

Your DH is being unreasonable and you need to set boundaries with your dad. He only visits every 1-2 years.

I get how our DH would be annoyed too but to say he wished never met you and then calling your family dysfunctional is not okay.
it sounds like something else is going on, why does he want to work late? Does he work ar home or office?
I’d be wary about this, I mean, who actually WANTS to work late than spend time with the kids!!!

What your husband said wasn’t nice but honestly I couldn’t put up with anyone staying in my home for 3 weeks- especially my in laws. I would be so angry and miserable right now if I were in his shoes.

Your dad is a dick for thinking he can stay 3 weeks in someone else’s home. I think I’d be paying for a week in a hotel for them both as a compromise.

3 weeks is a long time and I’d struggle but your DH is over reacting and he needs to find ways to manage it. When we have people staying I often go to bed early to get some time alone just to read or watch tv in my room and it helps manage the overload.
There’s also no reason you can’t be more directive with your dad and his wife; ask them to go to the shop, ask them to make a start on food etc. I doubt he’ll go hungry if you stopped doing everything for him

I can't believe some people would expect to be a guest in a home for 3 weeks and not help out - especially when you're family. It's as if dying and leaving an inheritance somehow allows him the right to be waited on hand and foot as a guest while living! That's silly logic. When family visit us from overseas they muck in like everyone else. Your DF is a lazy sausage.

It's your Dad! Your Husband is being horrible, its only 3 weeks and you hardly ever see him.

What would happen if all fights were cancelled for some reason, your husband would kick your dad out?

Sorry, I don't agree (although I love the stage play!).

You can start out with the best of intentions but if you're not used to/ from a culture where longer term guests are your norm then it is very stressful just not having space from them in that time.

I've just had my DP's relative here a fortnight who pretty much refused to leave the sofa unaccompanied and did not lift a finger (young, healthy, speaks English well enough to go out herself). I was unexpectedly ill and it really didn't help me get better at all just having someone in the space constantly, having to be 'on', looking after them (I know that should have been DP picking up the slack).

This could have been managed much better. I accept it's a long way to come for a week but 'mum and dad, why don't you plan a couple of short trips yourself while you're here? The lake district/ South coast/ Whitby is really nice this time of year and it'll give us chance to stay on top of things with the kids'.

It's an interesting thread though, people's differing views.

Your dad is being unreasonable. He’s put you in this position.
I like my DPs parents, I could not cope having my DPs mum in my house for longer than a weekend. Genuinely would have to go and stay elsewhere.
Your DHs reaction isn’t great but old people don’t get a free pass for behaving badly, and I’d not want my home treated like a hotel for 3 weeks either.

This really.

My family live abroad (although not as far) and it means that we don't see them as much but when we do it can be very intense. Dh doesn't always love it but he would never scream and shout about it because (1) he knows it's the only way to see my family and (2) he isn't an ass.

Have you married your Dad??

I am a long haul flight away from my Dad in the UK and he comes for 6 weeks! And like your Dad refuses to learn a dishwasher, has no idea re housework etc , ignores me when I mention time constraints from another and we are not super close now. 3 weeks after a long haul flight is not a long time.

However I feel your husband is being ridiculous, if he evened it out he would spend more time with your father is he lived in the same country as you. Husband needs to suck it up and just get on with it, especially as you have a separate guest room with en suite. I wonder if this is actually about housework and more about his routine being upset? How would it be if it was his parents?

I think it's awful attitude to have around parents bit I'm asian and it just wouldn't be a big deal for me if my mil decided to stay at ours for 3 weeks nor my mum or dad. I don't think having 2 people over is massive amounts of work, I'd be telling them to get there own breakfast (assuming you will be working) and they can get their own lunch. Either you or your dh cooks extra for dinner and the dishes get bunged in the dishwasher. If you aren't working or are taking time off then set boundaries that you feel are reasonable so if you are making breakfast or lunch dont have endless options. I can imagine wanting a few extra days to recover from the travelling. Travelling long distance is tiring at any age but even more so at 70+.

What I would take umbrage with is how your dh is behaving with you. He could talk to you about it and just express his frustration but he's gone one step too far for me at least. I think you've got bigger problems because the way he spoken to you is unacceptable.

*their

Your husband is being unreasonable. It’s 3 weeks in two years and he’s at work some of the time.

Your husband is being unpleasant. As you said you are doing most of the extra work it does not impact him that much. Yes three weeks is a long time but given they are from overseas this is inevitable. I think you are right three weeks is too long but it is done and he should be polite and should not be giving you a hard time by having a tantrum. I think you should be telling him he is free to take time out but that you expect him to behave. Honestly he is acting like a kid having a tantrum. In the future you need to be firmer with your dad about the time he can stay.

Your husband has acted like a dick. Does he regularly berate you and put you down?

Absolutely this.

Not a great reaction from your husband, but why did your dad just ignore you? Stop being passive around him.

Three weeks is a long time!

Both the men in your life are twats

Your husband shouldn’t speak to you like that and to put up and shut up for 3 weeks isn’t that bad. As you said you gave him a way out and said to stay at work. No excuse for him to speak to you like that

This really stood out for me though:

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home

My dad is the same age and certainly has never acted like this. He has always done his fair share round the house so for that he is being unreasonable

But where I think you are unreasonable is wanting your elderly father to fly that way and just stay for a week. You would be better off saying we don’t want you to come

Your husband sounds horrendous and awful.
your poor dad and his wife. They are your guests. He won’t be around forever.

Husband's objections are reasonable and I agree with them, the way he has behaved to voice them and his comments are 100% not.