husband reaction to family staying over

[Ippagoggy]

Some context: my father and his wife (my mum passed away long ago) have come to visit. They are in their 70s and have retired in South America. They love to see their grandchildren (my children, ages 7 and 3). However, given the long flights (10+ hours) and the fact that we can’t fly very often, we are limited to visits once every year or two.

My father is staying for 3 weeks this time. We have a big enough house (garden and separate guest room with en-suite) so it’s not an issue of space. But my husband is pissed off.

to be fair, I also think 3 weeks is excessive and I’m a little annoyed my dad booked such a long trip — I even told him over the phone to keep it to 1-2 weeks but he ignored me. I feel like 10 days would have been sufficient as a compromise.

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home. Whereas my husband is very progressive and believes men and women should approach housework 50/50. This has led to a lot of passive aggressive comments and snide remarks from my husband to my dad.

while I understand my husband, I also feel that at 70 my dad isn’t going to change and as he’s here for only a while every 1-2 years we could just live with it for the benefit of the kids having some kind of relationship with their grandparents. I want him to get to know my kids and it’s nice to see him after all this time even with all his faults.

my husband is fed up — even though I am the one who takes on the burden of housework and feeding and managing the extra people. and I’ve even told my husband to take advantage of this time to work late these days (something he doesn’t get to do often but wants to).

anyway, I’m now almost in tears because my husband has blown up at me at how this situation is unacceptable. Like I said I understand his feelings but he’s really not said it in a nice way : he is being aggressive and shouty. And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me. He’s really really worked about it.

I’m also annoyed at my dad for not being more thoughtful and seeing how much work this creates for me to look after so many people (not just my kids but him
and his wife). But my dad has always been like this — he’s not a bad man but quite entitled. That said he would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help.

but most of all I’m annoyed at myself for not having been more assertive about my boundaries with my dad.

so open ended question :

1. who is being unreasonable?
2. how do I salvage this mess? (Please constructive comments only, I know I am to blame for this and in future I need to be very firm about boundaries).

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home

It really isn't generational - it is a 'your family' thing. I have lots of friends in their 70s and none of them operate like this. If my Dad were alive he would be in his 90s but he would never sit around whilst people waited on him hand and foot.

If I had a parent who lived thousands of miles away and I had a separate space for them then I don’t understand the issue to have them stay in my home for 3 weeks every couple of years

It isn't an annexe though - it is an en-suite bedroom. They are still sharing all the living space in the house.

You need to woman up.

Your husband is a nasty prick and abusive.

I wouldn't be forgetting that verbal abuse of you.

Your father doesn't sound very respectful either.

3 weeks is a long time but it is every couple of years.

I would tell your father that he needs to help out as does his wife, he's 70 not 90.

I feel very sorry for you.

Stuck between two pretty disrespectful men.

In this situation I would be very upset with my husband, but I would be having firm words with your father.

I certainly would be cagey about future visits.

But I don't think your husbands behaviour is normal and I doubt it's in isolation.

Of course he is impacted but it is you who is doing the overwhelming bulk of it.

In your place I would be tempted to suggest to your father he book into a hotel for a few days to give you a break.

If my husband told me he wished he had never met me, it would 100% be a line in the sand moment that he could never take back.

Good people do NOT saybthat type of thing.

Bullying pricks do.

Your h is U.

he is being aggressive and shouty. And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me.

There's no excuse for treating you like this.

Oh op, how I feel your pain

We live abroad too and when my parents visit it's exactly as you describe. They do nothing, they treat their visit like a holiday with an all inclusive service (I.e. me doing everything).

It's very wearing (and tiring)

Both your dad and your husband are being unreasonable.

You say your dad "would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help." but he was quite happy to walk all over your boundaries and book a three week visit when you specifically asked him not to - that's not helping you, is it?

Your husband was incredibly rude to say what he did but I do wonder whether he's fed up with your dad's attitude and behaviour and this was the straw that broke the camel's back, to an extent?

Does your DH not see the irony of how un-progressive it is to be such a nasty cunt to his wife?

I'm amazed by this. It's a long-haul flight. You don't say where in South America they live, but it will be at least a 12 hour flight. I'm not sure how your father's health is, but long-haul really takes it out of you. It's also massively expensive.
It's completely U to expect them to do this journey and only stay for a week.
My parents are both dead, and I would give anything to have them back and visiting. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your father - enjoy it while you can. As far as the extra work goes, it would be easy enough for you to say, 'I'm feeling tired, can you and your DW do dinner tomorrow night?' and also indicate at the end of a meal that you expect everyone to help with the clearing up. Other than that kind of help, I wouldn't expect guests to do chores.

Your DH sounds vile. I think he's the one I'd be wanting out of the house.

It is for three weeks not three years. If they are coming all this way which cant be cheap they might as well stay three weeks. Try and look at it from their pov.

Your dh is overreacting. It was unreasonable the way he spoke to you.

I think you just need to get on with it. Ask your dad or his wife to lay the table or clear the table of whatever you think they need to do. Your df doesn't get to see you all in person much, be kind. These are precious times especially for your dc's.

Are you taking them for days out etc s well?

@RoseMartha they may as well stay for 3 weeks but not at the OP's house. She's not a bed and breakfast. I have a lot of experience hosting relatives for 2-3 weeks at a time due to where we live and it's exhausting. Some guests really are shit and do nothing, they think their visit is a gift to you. It totally takes it out of you being a servant to your elderly dad while also keeping down a job, running chores and taking care of your kids. It's not a holiday for the OP.

A lot of people are saying your husband is unreasonable and he definitely shouldn’t have said those things/lost his rag, but, I wonder if he’s been pushed to his limit over the years?
My in laws also frequently stay for >3 weeks at a time and literally sit around expecting to be served/fed/watered /drinks fetched for them and it gets v annoying plus the resentment builds up over time…

What you’re saying is true, but maybe they should try to be more considerate guests - helping out here and there, taking their hosts to dinner, brining something nice? Possibly all three…

It is for three weeks not three years. If they are coming all this way which cant be cheap they might as well stay three weeks. Try and look at it from their pov.

So they can get a hotel, or stay with a friend, or another family member, or camp, or get a B&B. They don't get to inflict themselves on family for three weeks - especially when they've already been told no. It's incredibly rude and presumptuous.

And I say that as someone who has family overseas and we used to go and visit for 3-4 weeks at a time. But we always agreed a time in advance and never stayed with one person for longer than a week at a time - because it's hugely disruptive to have guests staying for a long period of time, especially when you're also working and living your life as normal while simultaneously hosting guests.

Your husband has said he wished he'd never met you, all because your dad has come to stay for three weeks?

Those are words that are very extreme and that are hard to take back. Is he like this often?

Personally, if you have the space, I don't see why three weeks is a big issue! If I only got to see my dad once every couple of years, I'd love every minute of that.

Your “boundaries” need to be with your husband who is a prize Arsehole.
What a bully!

Why do 2 adults add so much extra for you to do? They can their own laundry. Give them a turn at washing up /dishwasher loading. Are you sure you’re not adding to this being a martyr?

OP your husband is being awful. I couldn’t get past him saying he wishes he never met you.

Give your dad jobs. It’s summer, and he wants to spend time with the kids- send them off on days out. If you cooked dinner, tell them that kids and grandad can do the dishes etc.

Would your dad’s visit bother you so much if your husband wasn’t being so awful?

It's three weeks every year. It's your father. Someone I presume you love. Your husband should suck it up. Selfish dick.

I wonder if there is a cultural / language barrier. Maybe that's why your husband is uncomfortable but this is just a guess.
Obviously your husband is being unreasonably. This is your family coming over to stay every 1 or 2 years, they are missing a lot on the children life's and I think it's great they want to come over and see you all. Children will remember these times and it goes so fast.
Your husband needs a stern word, this is part of who the children are. Would he like you to be so unwelcoming with his side of the family?
I would encourage your DH to work overtime, also you could have a date night or maybe start a project in the garden so his focus is elsewhere.
He just has to suck it up.

Maybe the family is dysfunctional. The father completely disregarded his daughter no to the three weeks, which is disrespectful. It would have pissed me off no end. OP is like 'oh, well, he's old." That passive attitude would get old real quick.

But the husband was definitely out of order saying what he did, and I wouldn't stay with a man who thought that was OK to say to me.

Maybe the family is dysfunctional. The father completely disregarded his daughter no to the three weeks, which is disrespectful

He drops everything to help when Daughter and Grandchildren need him so he can't be that dysfunctional can he?

Well, the trip’s booked for three weeks now. In your shoes, I’d have them stay for a week to recover from the journey and reconnect with you all. Then I’d arrange a lovely surprise trip for them “ to see more of the country,” e.g., a few nights somewhere they’d find interesting, a short coach trip, etc. They can then spend their final week with you.

IME, elderly Dad’s can be quite difficult to manage, both mine and DH’s do what they want when it comes to visiting, they don’t listen to requests to avoid certain dates, etc.

Your DH was vile though and needs to apologize. If he speaks to you like again, he certainly won’t need to put up with you/your family anymore, because your marriage will be over.

Realistically speaking how is that possible when OP says then can only visit every couple of years?

Your DH is a prick, it’s only a few weeks alternative years. What’s he normally like, he sounds like a nightmare.

can you politely ask your dad to do something specific each meal … ‘dad could you load the dishwasher while I bath the kids’.

why not leave them in charge of feeding and putting the kids to bed so you can go out for a meal with DH

My FIL is like this. Absolute nightmare. Makes himself out to be the hero of the hour but has no interest in actually being with his child/grandchildren. He just uses people for a holiday/weekend away. Fortunately he only stays 2-3 days max as DH is on the same page as me. FIL goes abroad to see other family for a month at a time (who live in a European tourist hotspot). In all honesty I would divorce DH if FIL came for a month at a time, fortunately DH would put a stop to it if he tried. I think it's easy for people to say it's "only" 3 weeks when they've never had the pleasure of hosting an entitled, self centred man child for a prolonged period of time.

Your husband is reacting terribly, regardless of how your dad is behaving. Telling you he wishes he never met you is a complete overreaction, and bloody nasty. Also, how awful if your dad is picking up on any of it. He's 70 and set in his ways, but deserves a chance to have a nice time with his daughter and grandchildren.