husband reaction to family staying over

[Ippagoggy]

Some context: my father and his wife (my mum passed away long ago) have come to visit. They are in their 70s and have retired in South America. They love to see their grandchildren (my children, ages 7 and 3). However, given the long flights (10+ hours) and the fact that we can’t fly very often, we are limited to visits once every year or two.

My father is staying for 3 weeks this time. We have a big enough house (garden and separate guest room with en-suite) so it’s not an issue of space. But my husband is pissed off.

to be fair, I also think 3 weeks is excessive and I’m a little annoyed my dad booked such a long trip — I even told him over the phone to keep it to 1-2 weeks but he ignored me. I feel like 10 days would have been sufficient as a compromise.

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home. Whereas my husband is very progressive and believes men and women should approach housework 50/50. This has led to a lot of passive aggressive comments and snide remarks from my husband to my dad.

while I understand my husband, I also feel that at 70 my dad isn’t going to change and as he’s here for only a while every 1-2 years we could just live with it for the benefit of the kids having some kind of relationship with their grandparents. I want him to get to know my kids and it’s nice to see him after all this time even with all his faults.

my husband is fed up — even though I am the one who takes on the burden of housework and feeding and managing the extra people. and I’ve even told my husband to take advantage of this time to work late these days (something he doesn’t get to do often but wants to).

anyway, I’m now almost in tears because my husband has blown up at me at how this situation is unacceptable. Like I said I understand his feelings but he’s really not said it in a nice way : he is being aggressive and shouty. And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me. He’s really really worked about it.

I’m also annoyed at my dad for not being more thoughtful and seeing how much work this creates for me to look after so many people (not just my kids but him
and his wife). But my dad has always been like this — he’s not a bad man but quite entitled. That said he would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help.

but most of all I’m annoyed at myself for not having been more assertive about my boundaries with my dad.

so open ended question :

1. who is being unreasonable?
2. how do I salvage this mess? (Please constructive comments only, I know I am to blame for this and in future I need to be very firm about boundaries).

I couldn't cope with DH's parents being here for 3 weeks. I just couldn't. To be honest, there are not many people I could live with for that long.

Surely the answer here was that he stayed nearby; but not with you?

Your husband has been unreasonable in his tantrum but he sounds like he's at the end of his tether; and 75% of your opening post is you letting off steam about your parents, so it's not hard to see why he'd find it difficult. I'm guessing they don't have much of a bond if your Dad lives so far away, either.

The solution here isn't that your kids see your Dad less - it's that you make it work for all of you. That means they can come for as long as they like, but they don't stay with you, and you can choose how many days you spend the majority of the day together.

Of course men can't criticise their in-laws, that's the woman's prerogative. How often do women complain about her in-laws on here and are considered reasonable?

Sounds like you are being squished between the wants of two demanding men.

3 weeks is a hugely long time for someone to come and stay and I'm not surprised your DH is grumpy about it.

However you didn't ask them
To come for 3 weeks but you're the one dealing with the fallout.

I'd tell your DH to wind in his bottom lip and stop sulking. It's far too long a visit, but it's not your fault.

It's 3 weeks in 2 years.............it's hardly a big ask is it!
Do you have other family you spend time with?
How much do you do for his family?

Sorry I think both of you YABU. He's 79 and South America is a long way away so coming for 1 or 2 weeks would be very short for such a long flight. And you have SO much space for them.
So this is 21 days and you may only get one more of these ever given he's elderly and in a few years may not be in a position to fly such a long trip many more times.
Grandparent relationships IMHO are best when they can share little moments with the kids rather than big set pieces (lunches, dinners etc) especially with 3 year olds who can't stay still for any length of time.
Your dad won't change and I don't think it's reasonable for your DH to expect this. Maybe just ask your dad to do some specific tasks that help that he would be able/prepared to do. Even if it's just minding the kids whilst you clear the table! Does your step.mum help?

In terms of salvaging, I think all you can do is to say to DH that he can rant and rail all he wants but they are here now and it's not that long and this may be only of the last couple of times they ever visit. So whilst you agree that it's very long and you agree your dad should help more, getting angry with you isn't productive and just makes you upset so can he please just try to hold his nerve for the rest of the stay

I mean I couldn’t cope with house invaders for a week let alone three so I get where your dh is coming from.

He shouldn’t have had such an outburst though.

I get the posters who say - it’s 3 weeks out of 2 years , get over it . And logically, this is true . But while you are living those particular 3 weeks, things can be very tense.

I think your Dad , regardless of his age, should be more considerate. He is 70, so not a huge amount older than me or my husband. No way would we impose ourselves on anyone for 3 weeks, no way would we not pick up the hoover, the kids, the dog, do some cooking, out to dinner etc.
It’s not generational, your Dad is behaving like someone from the 1950s , when he should be a 1970s/ 80s man at least !

Your husband though has not shown himself in a great light. I would ask my Dad and his wife to go out , take a trip, just give you some space, so you be DH can decompress for a bit, and perhaps talk about things more calmly.

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home.

What’s actually happening-does your dad expect to be waited in for every cup of tea and meal and isn’t lifting a finger to take his plate out? Or does your DH think your dad should be hanging washing out and hoovering?

I would just tackle this logically with your husband. If your Dad is in his 70’s, in the best case scenario, he probably only has another 15 years max in which both he and his wife are fit enough to travel long haul and visit you. If he visits once every 2 years, after this visit, there will probably only be a further 6 or 7 visits if you’re lucky and they both remain in good health.

Let that sink in with your husband, that you’ll probably only get the chance to see your Dad a further 6 or 7 times before he dies and you’d prefer he didn’t ruin these few occasions for you. Ask him how many weeks holiday he might book to see his kids if he knew he’d only see them 6 or 7 times more. Maybe that will help him show some compassion to you and your Dad.

Our family guests usually like to do chores if they stay for more than a night or two. Even my 85-year-old mother likes to dry up glasses or set the table or pick fruit in the garden.

How on earth do you describe your husband as progressive? It sounds to me he is the absolute opposite!

I think your DH is bring horrible. You describe him as a progressive man but he seems to be completely lacking in kindness and empathy. Is your DH jealous of your father? I find his behaviour very odd (unless your father was a complete bastard why would he so strongly object to you spending time together?)
My in laws live abroad. They come for a couple of weeks several times a year. We stay with them for a similar amount of time. I don't mind at all.
I really think family is important. There's more to life than you and your husband - you have a father who won't be around for ever. Seeing him for 2 or 3 weeks every couple of years is nothing.
I personally look after my guests and wouldn't want them helping too much (it kind of stresses me out!) but if its too much you could have a very gentle conversation with them just asking for a bit of help. You don't mention if your step-mum gets involved or also wants to be waited on?

And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me. He’s really really worked about it.

This is making me wonder whether there is a lot more to your dad's behaviour than you've described. The fact that he's describing the family relationship as dysfunctional (and potentially deal-breaking for him) sounds like a really, really extreme reaction to having to put up with an ageing guest who is a sexist dinosaur once a year. Is that really the only issue with your dad?

I'm with your husband on this I'm afraid, just having people in your space for that long is horrible, you can't live as normal because they and their needs have to be factored into everything

Although how he expressed it was not on at all!

If my dh had said he wished he had never met me there would be one less adult in the house..

I’d struggle having someone in my home for 3 weeks regardless who it’s is so I’ll give him that

but man or woman I would expect or want any help from a guest in my home
there a guest

Wouldn’t

You say that your husband is progressive but he’s being nasty to your dad and aggressive to you. That’s far worse than not making a cup of tea etc. He sounds like he’s gaslighting you into thinking he’s a “good guy” when actually he’s behaving like a manipulative bully to you both.

As you say it’s 3 weeks, happens no more than 2-3 times a year. He’s your own father. You’re doing the extra work. Your husband could make himself scare for a few days if it’s really that annoying for him. It’s completely awful to pit you and your dad against each other when you spend so little time together. Nothing you’ve said so far makes me think the relationship is dysfunctional.

Does he do this with other friends too, or belittle and find fault with your ideas/ plans?

Don’t worry about boundaries with your Dad and don’t give your Dad a hard time. Tell your husband he either stops the comments and bullying or he can piss off for the rest of the stay.

I think your husband is being really unreasonable. When you only see your father every two years, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to stay for three weeks, particularly given the long journey.

I think the issue of your dad being of a generation where the man would not be expected to help around the house is irrelevant to a point - he is a guest on your home, and I would never expect a guest to help out with housework etc.

it sounds as though your father is being made to feel thoroughly unwelcome.

Your husband sounds like a wanker, how dare he say he wished he'd never met you!

Do his family ever stay over?

It’s every 2yrs, he’s elderly. Your DH is being a dick

If this were a woman posting about her lazy mil staying for 3 weeks the replies would be different.

I'd be livid if I were your dh.

However, he should speak to you about it. Not be an arse hole.

Your DH is an arse.
Your poor dad, I get it he is of a different generation, but we only get 1 set of parents. Would you not want to see your DC when they are older? 3 weeks is nothing
You H is out of order. Stop being a passive person and let him know its your home too and your family can come and stay when ever you want.
Make things easier for yourself to get a cleaner, if you can afford it, or batch cooking

Your H is out of order in the way that he spoke to you. Before your dad leaves have an honest chat with him in a non-confrontational way and tell him your boundaries for his next trip. Maybe a week is fine for a visit where you are hosting but longer than that then they are part of the household and will be expected to chip in. You can also gently nudge them this time 'dad come help me with these dishes' kind of thing.

You're probably right though about your dad being unlikely to change his ways. My dad is the same and it doesn't matter that he sees my DH changing nappies and clearing up and making dinners. My mum tells me I'm lucky to have such a hands on husband 🤔