husband reaction to family staying over

[Ippagoggy]

Some context: my father and his wife (my mum passed away long ago) have come to visit. They are in their 70s and have retired in South America. They love to see their grandchildren (my children, ages 7 and 3). However, given the long flights (10+ hours) and the fact that we can’t fly very often, we are limited to visits once every year or two.

My father is staying for 3 weeks this time. We have a big enough house (garden and separate guest room with en-suite) so it’s not an issue of space. But my husband is pissed off.

to be fair, I also think 3 weeks is excessive and I’m a little annoyed my dad booked such a long trip — I even told him over the phone to keep it to 1-2 weeks but he ignored me. I feel like 10 days would have been sufficient as a compromise.

my dad is also from a generation where he doesn’t really know / believe he has to help much around the home. Whereas my husband is very progressive and believes men and women should approach housework 50/50. This has led to a lot of passive aggressive comments and snide remarks from my husband to my dad.

while I understand my husband, I also feel that at 70 my dad isn’t going to change and as he’s here for only a while every 1-2 years we could just live with it for the benefit of the kids having some kind of relationship with their grandparents. I want him to get to know my kids and it’s nice to see him after all this time even with all his faults.

my husband is fed up — even though I am the one who takes on the burden of housework and feeding and managing the extra people. and I’ve even told my husband to take advantage of this time to work late these days (something he doesn’t get to do often but wants to).

anyway, I’m now almost in tears because my husband has blown up at me at how this situation is unacceptable. Like I said I understand his feelings but he’s really not said it in a nice way : he is being aggressive and shouty. And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me. He’s really really worked about it.

I’m also annoyed at my dad for not being more thoughtful and seeing how much work this creates for me to look after so many people (not just my kids but him
and his wife). But my dad has always been like this — he’s not a bad man but quite entitled. That said he would drop everything if I or the grandkids were to need his help.

but most of all I’m annoyed at myself for not having been more assertive about my boundaries with my dad.

so open ended question :

1. who is being unreasonable?
2. how do I salvage this mess? (Please constructive comments only, I know I am to blame for this and in future I need to be very firm about boundaries).

Imo your DH is being totally unreasonable/unpleasant. It's a long way to come for 1-2 weeks, you have the space and being there longer is good for building a relationship with his grandchildren. Maybe his value lies in entertaining the children? Not everyone can afford to stay in hotels or rental properties if they have spent a lot on flights.

Unless there are other family members/friends they can visit while they are over I would try and keep things civil/friendly for now. Can they afford to take you all out for a couple of family-friendly meals to break up the endless catering? Could you ask your dad's wife to cook? Sent them to the shops with a list?

I do totally get that he sounds like an entitled guest and in future would put a 2 week limit on they staying, however I would be absolutely fuming at my DH being so unwelcoming to my family.

You need to take your DH for a walk and tell him your DF staying for three weeks once in a blue moon is not such a big deal. Yes it would be more manageable if he could come for a week three times a year or so, but that's not possible. Yes, he can be irritating, but for the children's sake just shut up!

Can you take them and the DCs out for a day, to give your DH some free time at home to compose himself? A trip to the zoo or something.

Your husband sounds like an arse. Your dad sounds ridiculous - he's not 90, he can empty the dishwasher sometimes.

I'm torn.
There are plenty of posts of OPs saying they don't want their MiLs stay with them and they are often supported.
At the same time, your DH is going about this the wrong way.
I think you need to speak to your dad - in my book, if you're here for a weekend, relax and let me take absolute care of you as my guest, no chores etc. If you're staying for a week or longer- please make yourself at home, let me show you how everything works.
I absolutely love my dad to bits and he's a bit eccentric so a little out there maybe, but if he was staying with us and making passive aggressive remarks to my DH, that would be nipped in the bud.

You and your DH can't tolerate a visit from your father once a year for 3 weeks? You are high unreasonable

Sorry meant to say both being unreasonable

Book the air B&B/ hotel for the 2nd week with option to extend for 3rd week.
Tell dd in advance
" because we have the builders booked in".
Visit dd at his location and maybe drop your kids off there whilst you go to the gym/ hairdresser/backto bed.

Both of you are overreacting, 3 weeks a year or even 2 years. I would be thankful family visited that often from overseas.

If it burdens you so much, speak to his wife and let her treat him.

Your dh can book himself into a hotel/b&b. He can say that he’s away for his job or doing a training course. Your parents have travelled far to see their family. You have a separate guest room so it’s no bother on space. Your dh needs to grow up and not complain.

If someone just booked 3 weeks and expected to stay at my house, they would be in a hotel pronto.

Your husband didn't handle it well, but more fault lies with your Dad.

Dunno about the situation with DH, his reaction is excessive.

But with your DF and his wife, this needs to not be extra work for you and I don't see why it should be. Cooking for 6 is not that much harder than cooking for 4 (don't offer to do fancier food, separate from the kids, because they're staying they can just have what you always have). The two of them between them should be providing some of the meals on a 3 week visit I'd suggest every other night -- and if he won't cook and it's always her, that's between them. If they're coming to spend time with grandkids then they should be doing exactly that, freeing you up.

I suggest you think through what tasks you're worrying will take you time and work out a convenient way to delegate as much as possible to them, and then tell your Dad and his wife exactly what your plan is. Be clear up front, before they arrive, don't rely on dropping hints. You might also explicitly say that you're doing this because (a) they are staying longer than you said, and (b) both you and DH agree that both genders should be involved with household tasks in front of your children as it's important to set a good example.

How would you feel if your mil dropped in against your husband’s wishes to stay for 3 weeks? He absolutely isn’t being unreasonable - you are for allowing this. Tell your dad he’s causing marital problems and recommend local hotels

Your dh is a bully. But I’m from a culture where if a relative comes to stay they are treated as a guest. Also they could end up staying for a while- a month plus isn’t unusual.

3 weeks is too long, 2 weeks is the maximum anyone should ask to stay. I would have said go for a few days somewhere in the middle to break it up.

However the things your H said were horrible and way beyond this visit. I'd address that first.

Both your DF and your DH are being unreasonable. Your DF has been unreasonable for not doing as you asked and keeping his trip (or at least his stay with you), to the length of time you requested i.e. 1-2 weeks. And your DH is being a dick for making passive aggressive comments, which just make an already difficult situation worse. In future, could they come for a week, go elsewhere for a week, then come back to you for another week? That might make it easier on you all. Is there anyone else they could stay with or other parts of the country they'd like to see?

No, ideally, your dh shouldn't have lost his temper, but I don't really blame him.

Just can't understand how anyone can minimise the dh's behaviour here. We've all got upset about things - especially family stuff - but to shout and say things like "I wish I'd never met you " is just appalling!

I think your df is the least of your worries op.

I also think your husband is unreasonable. For this sort of irregular visit I treat people , family like guests and don’t bark at them to do chores. Your husband sounds horrible and you sound like you’re trying to please him, placate him, even though you know he’s an arse.

Even a parent? If I had a parent who lived thousands of miles away and I had a separate space for them then I don’t understand the issue to have them stay in my home for 3 weeks every couple of years

Difference for OP is that the husband is making a mountain out a molehill (wonder if he would have the same reaction if it was his family) and her dad sitting down expecting to be waited on hand and foot. That’s the two issues to be addressed OP

A 10 hour flight is bloody hard on a 70 year old. Tell your man child to grow up. I would be at the divorce lawyers this morning.

OP you need to understand that while 2 week visits annually are the least expected in your culture, if your DH is a white Brit it won’t be his culture. It’s all well and good wanting your DP to have a good relationship with your kids but this shouldn’t be facilitated at the expense of your DH’s boundaries. You should expect your DF to make similar arrangements to the ones your in laws make.

I also think that hiring a cleaner when your DF comes and planning dinners out of the house would help.

They live thousands of miles away - they can't just pop in. Your OH is being ridiculous to grumble about it; and frankly cruel to be saying the things he is saying.

I am sorry you are the piggy in the middle in all this.

I would signpost dh to the local travel lodge.

Op, you should have been more assertive with your dd front the beginning. You can stay for x time but if you would like a long we trip please book a hotel.

Now he is there, and your guest of course you can’t do that much beyond minimising the work load. Can do pay for a few takeaways and/or dinners out.

It’s three weeks every two years. We all put ourselves out for our loved ones. And this isn’t much of an ask.

Your husband is a selfish prick. Especially as he’s not taking on any of the extra work, just being a prick to you about your dad.

And this, is not ok:

And saying nasty things about how dysfunctional my family is and how he wishes he had never met me

The men in your life are massively unreasonable. Your DF is mega entitled and you should tell him he can only stay for 2 weeks. He chose to move to SA, he can pay for a hotel. Your Dh is being awful and you need to tell him to back off and then reconsider your relationship because it sounds almost abusive. He should be supporting you, not berating you.

As someone who also has to host family for 2-3 weeks at a time, I really feel for you. It's hard. Some family members are wonderful guests and some are terrible. My DH's side are all pretty bad guests, I'm exhausted AND BROKE at the end of every visit as they don't help, don't cook or shop, don't treat us to anything and use our cars leaving us without one. However, it's once a year. So I bite my tongue but no longer allow visits over 2 weeks.

Erm I'm white British and happy to have my in laws stay for 2 weeks as they come from abroad. I wouldn't expect them to pay hundreds for a hotel or stay for a few days after coming so far. Family are important right?