To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

When my dad died from Alzheimers 11 years ago (he was 87), I felt upset and sad but not devastated. In some ways I was relieved as my mum was really struggling and I wanted some relief for her in her older age. However, my mum died in March this year from a stroke (she was 86) and I was completely and utterly devastated despite her age and knowing full well that day was coming.

I think it was a combination of knowing both parents had died and I knew that whatever happened in life my mum would ALWAYS be there for me and I always had a room in her home if needed and now that safety net had been taken away.

The moments that really upset me (and still do) were the realisation of many 'firsts' or that should maybe read 'lasts'. My son's birthday was not long after she passed away and when the birthday cards arrived in the post I had a fleeting thought that maybe one of them would be from my mum which quickly became the realisation that my sons would never get a card from her ever again. Then seeing the for sale sign up at her house was another moment that hurt so badly. Seems silly but those small moments really, really hurt. I'm in tears again now just thinking of that, I miss her so much. I was clueless about grief before and you cant understand it until it happens to you.

Everything you said resonates with me @pain1nthearse. 💐

I agree. My mother is 91 and has vascular dementia as a result of a stroke years ago. I'm her carer. She's relatively robust physically, and comes from a family of long-lived women (one of her sisters reached 100), but it's hardly going to be a huge shock when she dies. It'll be more of a surprise if I grieve greatly; years of being her full time carer have eroded my affection for her (which has declined over the years anyway).

OP, I don't think you're a cold fish at all from your post.

I don't think there is a right or wrong to how anyone experiences grief. I do think though as a Nation we handle death and dying poorly. To my mind the Irish seem to have a better grasp on it and appear to consider a death although sad, as an occasion to be remembered with a celebration of the persons life.

I think we hide from death a lot a lot in this country/aren't educated on normal end of life things like how dying people don't need hydration ( I've seen threads over people upset fluids are withdrawn at the end of life ) the death rattle, terminal agitation etc
I don't fear my own death after witnessing my dad die as much now but fear out living my own children.
My nan is alive at almost 90 but dad ( her son) is dead .
Grief isn't to be compared though but I want to go first

@OCaptain I get that, and I am not talking about the sadness of it. You're going to be sad. But to be grief stricken before it's even happened and affecting the lives of the living around you is just a bit OTT in my opinion, when it comes to a v old person!

@Erinisland You lost your parents very young!!! This is NOT what the OP is talking about. Of course life is hard without your parents, you were bloody 7 when your mum died, that is beyond awful and tragic. It's not the same as when you are in your 60s or 70s and your 90 year old mum dies!

@PinkSparklyPussyCat but I'm not talking about being sad, of course you're going to be sad!

Losing your parent young like that really does change you, and you miss out on SO MUCH with them. It's nice that with your mum you had that feeling of being happy to have had her for so long. If only more people could be like that. They don't realise how lucky they are.

That’s the point isn’t it, if you have much loved parent who lives until their 80’s you are lucky.

You have no idea how you will feel until you are facing the reality of the death. You may think you will be fine/accepting about it when it comes to you - but you may be in for a horrible surprise here.

One of my parents (late 70s) became suddenly catastrophically ill. The impact this had on me was immeasurable. The most difficult thing I have ever faced. It is not only the impending loss that you feel but the questions it raises about your own mortality. It made me much more vulnerable as a person, everything became poignant and raw. Life became real. If I didn't have empathy for those who faced the loss of their parents before this happened to me, I certainly do now. How those who suffer early and tragic losses of loved ones cope I will never know.

Be grateful that life hasn't humbled you yet.

Exactly.

I had a very odd, distant and pretty awkward relationship with my dad. He suffered dementia for the last eight years of his life, and when the end finally came out was pretty much a blessing. Didn't stop me being devastated. There's nothing wierd about it.....

I've had open conversations with both my parents (in their 70's) around funeral arrangements, probate etc. Checked all wills are in place and where everything is. It's not cold, it's extremely sensible! It will massively reduce the stress knowing all this info is known when the awful days come.

Being a carer is extremely hard work (even if it isn’t all physical). I remember the minister who did my Dad’s funeral telling my Mum that she would remember him more fondly as time went on. She was just completely burnt out by the time he died (and was quite unwell herself).

Because the entire foundation of your world is gone. You have literally never known a world or life without them in it. No one will ever love you completely unconditionally again.

This. But only if your relationship with them was close and loving. Understandably people who haven’t had that won’t get it.

Stuff that will make things much easier for your children:

• Have a lever arch file with all your financial stuff so they know who to get in touch with and what account / membership number etc you had;
• If you have weird financial arrangements (cryptocurrencies, accounts overseas), make sure that they are easy for your children to find;
• Clear out your cupboards so there aren’t any surprises. I found $1k + worth of Amex travellers cheques in a cupboard a while after my Dad died so it was another job to get that transferred over to my Mum;
• If you have life insurance, make sure your children know about it. My Mum assumed that a letter about life insurance was a scam and was about to shred it;
• If you do your own tax return, it would be great if you could write some of where you got your figures from down. I had to do my Dad’s tax return from 5 April 2022 to the date of his death and ended up going through his cupboards to get the info; and
• If you have an Apple account, you can nominate someone to take over your account on death. Otherwise you need to get probate (so far the only organisation that has required this for my Dad. Probate costs a bit under £300 and I dunno when it’ll be done).

This. But only if your relationship with them was close and loving. Understandably people who haven’t had that won’t get it.

Nice wee dig there, did that wee snippy comment make you feel big and clever? Lots of people (like me) had a great childhood and a close and loving relationship with their parents and STILL didn't fall to bits when they died in their 70s. Everyone's different. Personally I don't get why anyone would be shocked and grief-stricken about someone dying at 105 like the poster upthread mentioned, but I wouldn't be as crass as to come on a forum and make snidey comments about it.

I’m really sorry it came across as snide, it wasn’t meant to be. It was intended to be taken at face value. I apologise.

What I mean is, once a parent dies, you can’t just fall apart. There is so much to do, particularly if the other parent won’t be able to cope with it by themselves.

I do know a few people who have fallen apart after the death of an elderly parent. Two of them were made redundant from their jobs. I am sure that they and their families said how appallingly they’d been treated but, realistically, once head office have said they need to reduce headcount, what is going to happen? Are they going to cut the person who is not perfect but is in pretty much every day or the person who has been off for 2+ months?

There was none of that TV bollocks where everyone sits around the bed happily as the parent slips peacefully away with a smile on their face. Both my parents had such terrible deaths, along with mass family fall out. They did not deserve that, & it breaks me to this day & it always will.

Be grateful that life hasn't humbled you yet.

Bit of a shitty thing to say to someone whose first boyfriend died in a car crash.

OK. I'm going to start by saying I'm autistic and will readily admit that I don't understand emotions in either myself or others. I've been told more than once that my emotional response to things is not normal.

Saying that, I've experienced death many times in my life, come from a big family and with my Dad being a lot older than my Mum, I've experienced that from being a young child through my 50+ years.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't understand why people grieve intensely or for months and months. When my Dad died I was sad, but also relieved, he'd been ill and dying in pain for well over a year. There was a part of me that thought he'd live forever (he'd been given 3-4months and was still going a year after), but obviously I didn't want him in pain anymore. I didn't cry when I got the news, but I did at his funeral (that shocked me too, I don't "do" crying generally). But then within days I was back to getting on with things, yes I do reminisce about our chats etc, but my own brain won't allow me to go to pieces.

When my partners Grandmother died during lockdown, aged 100 after years of being confined to her bed (this woman was a force of nature until the age of 95 and I couldn't imagine that she really wanted to hang on as long as she did needing other people to wipe her bum), I actually felt relief. But I kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself, because I knew how badly my partner and children were affected. The same when his Mum died suddenly, I didn't have any emotional attachment, other than from my partner and children, I was devastated for their sake becausei could see what they were going through.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you're not unreasonable for feeling the way you do, but you are unreasonable if you say anything to your partner and do anything but support him in how he feels.