To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

My mum was on life support. The Dr's told us they would be switching off the next day. But it still felt like a shock. I knew from when she was put on life support the outcome was poor and she told me her wishes for her funeral, so i think she knew....but it still felt like a shock. I think that maybe part of your mind is in denial even though rationally you know what is going to happen.

Similarly with my dad - He was in a care home and they had said his condition was deteriorating and he would likely die within the next few days.i was expecting a phone call....but it was still a shock when it came. (And I know that doesn't make sense!!)
But emotions don't always make rational sense.

Hmm, I don't class late 60s as very old tbh, nor would it be 'expected' I am thinking older!!

No, I suppose when it comes to emotions maybe it doesn't all have to make sense! I am just comparing that sort of situation to say, a child's parent dying or a parent's young child dying. That's what I class as tragic and/or shocking and get why it can or could ruin and affect someone's life massively. I don't really get it when its an old/ill person or it's expected. It's sad, yes. But I get that everyone is different.

Unfortunately, it is a fact of life that in normal circumstances, our parents will die before us. It's sad, very sad, but I see so much performative grief on social media over elderly parents "being taken from me too soon" - from middle aged and older people.

I moaned about my Mum over the weekend - and was sternly told "You will regret this when she dies, you can't imagine what it is like without your parent". I lost my Dad when I was 18. He never met my husband. Never met my kids. Never saw me as an adult, and never walked me down the aisle. So yeah, I do get it. But, I also know that losing your parents is something nearly all of us have to go through at some stage.

But they are still alive. You may think you know what you will feel when they die but you can't possibly know, because it hasn't happened yet.

Because they are your parents. They gave you life and hopefully love. And no matter how long they have been ill for it still hurts so much when they do pass. Until it happens to you you will never know the horrible horrible feeling when it actually happens. My mum was told by the hospital consultant they're was nothing they could do. Let nature take its course. She lasted a year. In the end she had dementia and didn't know me. That is truly heartbreaking. I broke down in tears when she finally died......so until it happens to you don't be so bloody horrible

Well my dh’s parents are alive too. It’s entirely possible that my dad might die before his does!

Yeah ok, 90s + and you should definitely expect it is coming !

For me it was partly regret. I wish I’d said x, done y etc. but we were in the 8th year of vascular dementia, so really, she’d been dying for a very long time. Even so, I thought I was hard, like you, but when it came, it made me ill. lots of physical manifestations of grief I just want expecting - a tide of illness.

I really hope my children don't think this when I'm old. My parents are mid 60s and I hope I don't lose them for a very long time.

They are the people who gave me life and without them I wouldn't have my children. DH lost his mum when he was a teenager and he said it changed him and he dreads the day I need to go through it.

And? If you read my post properly you'll see that I said it was the speed that it happened that made it a shock.

Ok

Maybe it means I'm cold hearted but I agree with you OP.

My mum died at 64 within a few weeks of being diagnosed with cancer. In my opinion that's quite young. She'd not even started claiming her pension yet.

I just couldn't believe it could possibly be happening.

Now if she'd died at say 84, I feel like I would have come to terms with it so much more easily.

I think that being able to look back at someone's life and know that they lived a long life is comforting.

My mum still had places she wanted to visit, holidays she wanted to take with us, home improvements she wanted to do.

She was only 64 and felt relatively healthy. She thought she had time but she didn't. That's so much more gutting than losing someone in their 80s who is now happy and content with what they have done in life (not saying there aren't people in their 80s who still go on holiday, but yswim)

Having said all this I would never ever say it to someone in real life!

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve parents, although I think is likely much more life altering if your parents die when you/they are young or die in a sudden and traumatic way.

But the thing with age - is it the age of the parent or the child that makes things more sad....? and where do you define the cut off between the "expected/not shocking/you should be able to deal with it" category, and being OK to be unbearably sad about it? If someone died at 59 is that more sad than dying a few months later when they're 60 because that's "old"?

My mum died in her early 60s. I was in my early 30s, with my own children. If my DH died at a similar age he would leave 2 teenagers...which would likely have more of an impact on them.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve parents

This is often said about grief in general, but I dont think it's entriely true. For some people the grief doesn't ease. They get stuck for years. That's not good and they need help. And as in the case with the DH in the OP, (whose parent hasn't actually died yet and could live for another decade) the anticipatory grief is affecting his family, as he can't cope with the kids and (sometimes) work. That's a wrong way to grieve, as his children are being affected and there's no sign of that changing.

The 'there's no wrong way to grieve' trope actively prevents people from recognising when their grief is turning into a mental health issue, and/or damaging the people around them. Consequently they don't seek help, and react badly to anyone who shows concern, because 'I'm entitled to feel this way because theres no wrong way....'

In OPs defence, neither she nor her DH have lost any of their parents. Yet DH is suffering from anticipatory grief to the point his work and home life is affected, I'd argue that is unfair in her.

Wow. You’ve made a few assumptions there. I was with my Mum when she passed but I didn’t get to say goodbye, she was sedated due to her pain.

I do have comparisons, my Mum isn’t the only person I’ve lost. I can ‘compare’ to knowing whether someone is going to die and a sudden death. Grief for someone isn’t a clear definition. As this thread has proven.

I seem to be in the minority in the poll, but I think YANBU. My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly in his 60s. My DP’s dad is in his late 80s and quite unwell. But my DP seems to be unduly focused on his eventual death at the expense of enjoying the time they still have to spend together. I think it’s a kind of catastrophising that sacrifices today’s pleasure because of the fear of tomorrow. The last five years have been about “this could be his last Christmas” etc. Yes it could, but maybe just let it be Christmas? Maybe I’m cold or something. But, having lost a parent relatively young, I wish my DP could just enjoy the time he still has with his dad.

OP is taking a right kicking here.

My dad died earlier this year. He had dementia but it was not the dementia which killed him, it was another short illness. He was just short of his 80th birthday. Obviously it was sad. Funeral was difficult - not because dad had died, but because mum was so upset about how she was going to manage going forward. But when you have a parent who has dementia the OP is right, it's only going one way.

And even if your parent doesn't have any underlying conditions, in their 80s you better get your head around them dying because it's certain to happen at some point.

Jesus Christ what a horrible op. You don’t have a clue do you?

you clearly have never lost anyone significant in your life, I lost my dad 15 years ago 2 weeks after having dd2 and it broke me, my mum is pretty ill too and I am going to be heartbroken when she dies. I don’t have any extended family, no aunts uncles cousins, my dh is also dead

can’t believe I’ve read anything so awful tbh

The first person I "lost", I was 12, my maternal great grandmother, who we visited once a year. Went over my head. The first person I lost that affected me was my paternal grandmother, I was 16 and devastated.
My dad died when I was 33 and 3 months after my ds2 was born, I was totally grief stricken, he died 3 days after I found out he had cancer.
This meant that I accepted that it doesn't matter whether you are healthy or not, life ends whenever.
My mother was diagnosed with mnd 4 years after that and died 5 years later. Because of how my mother was when I was growing up and how she was when my dad wasn't good enough anymore I felt nothing when she finally died.
Until you have been in the situation your dh is in empathy is your only go to.
I've had both situations and wouldn't wish either on anyone.
I hope your dh helps you understand when you like someone "close"

*lose, not like

Hi OP
I lost my mother when I was pregnant, and although she wasn’t right for a couple of years before this, I feel absolutely robbed. She was 75 and never met my children. My father isn’t in the best of health. I can tell you that my life is split into two distinct parts. Life with, and life without my mother. Everything changes. Also, when someone has a degenerative illness, it’s very hard for others to understand. You feel so helpless, I can’t put it into words.
So, yes, you can be more accepting when someone has a decent innings, but your DH is a human with valid feelings, and I think he’d be understandably upset to know what your thoughts on this are.

"Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish?"

Yes.

More and more people are agreeing it seems!

And I couldn't agree with your last paragraph any more!