To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

You have NO idea….

Maybe you should meet my husband. In the past year I’ve lost my mother, my cousin and two good friends. He acknowledges that my cousin and friends went too soon but is mystified as to why I was upset about my Mum. He has never, ever been bereaved and really doesn’t understand why people get upset.

Like him, you’ve no fucking clue and won’t have until it happens to you.

Jesus. Can you not even guess. Having a relative with a degenerative disease bring a whole other level of stress and distress to deal with.

Because when you are young you believe they will be there forever. They give so much. You can try and repay them but you never will.

And then they are gone.

And just typing that made my eyes water.

My father was suffering at the end and his death was not unexpected and could be considered a release - but when I got that phone call my legs went from under me and I sank to the floor, unable to speak. I am so not the dramatic type but logic and rationality don’t fit with the death of a beloved parent.

My mum is 82, when anything happens to her I will crumble. She is my absolute rock and the most amazing person ever. The thought of losing her is unbearable.

My grandma was almost 100 when she died and I was still devastated because she was a huge, important, wonderful part of my life and I'll miss her immeasurably.

Grief isn't always rational.

Because it's your Mummy / Dada, always 😭

Because you love them, and they're gone.

Your parents are still alive and you've started a thread criticising people who aren't as lucky as you in that regard for being too sad?

Trust me, you are not an "empathic person In real life".

Wow.

My husband is currently sitting vigil by his Mother's bedside. His mother. The woman that gave him life, was everything to him in childhood, and a touchstone that he could rely on in adult hood.

Yeah, he's devasted that she's about to die. She's been there his whole life, the most important woman in his life for so much of his life. She taught him to ride a bike, she taught him to drive, she dried his tears when he was hurt, gave him love, cuddles and chocolate when he needed or wanted them. She taught him how to treat women (Thank you MIL!), how to value women, how to perceive women, how to respect women.

It doesn't matter that they are old. It's always too soon for those left behind. Even if it's a long term disease and diagnosis, you always hope that maybe this time, they might just make it? Just for a little bit longer. . .

My Dad died when I was 28. When asked, I told a friend my Dad was 75. They scoffed, saying, 'well you can't complain, he had a good innings!' My reply was 'well I didn't!'

A good parent is a touchstone. For my DH, it's pretty much the loss of all their parents, because they are estranged from the utter fucking loser of a father.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish

In a word - yes

Think of this thread once one of your parents dies & see what your thoughts are then

Depends on the person. Theres an element of attention seeking. You see them in SM doing death and birthday memorials. You either fall to bits and grieve head of time, finding the actual event closure. Or you just get on with it and find it hits you unexpected later on. There's not rhyme or reason to it.

'm NC with mine. I might go to the funeral, just to make sure they're dead like. Good riddance.

You haven’t lost anyone do you do not know.

Wow. My DF died, in his seventies, from a cancer brought on exposure to asbestos this year. I guess I'll just pull myself together and and not feel devastated about losing him earlier than we should have done, thanks for the advice 🙄

YANBU. I do wonder if advances in medical technology mean we never really prepare for the inevitable and almost any death seems preventable and 'too soon'.
I worked with a woman who said her mother was taken early. ..the mother was in her late 80's and the woman I worked with was in her 60's!

You just don't know.until it happens to you. My Dad died aged 77 earlier this year. It was quite sudden. It was an awful, traumatic death. It changes everything. Seeing my Mum windowed and vulnerable. It makes you feel your own mortality and just a ton of emotions. I don't think anyone is ready for it. It's huge and mundane all at once.

Indeed.

My Dad died on 21st December last year, aged 89. He was deep down the dementia rabbit hole and died of sepsis. He was no longer the man I knew and didnrecognise me as his daughter in his last 18 months.

I grieve his loss more today than on the day he died. I wasn't very close to my mother, who died 6 years ago, but losing my Dad as well has made me grieve her all over again - and especially the relationship we never had.

Losing your parents tilts your world - permanently.

OP I feel similar to you, but then I know I’m not as close to my mum as other people I know are.

We’re not friends, we just spend time together because I feel like I have to because I’m her daughter.

YANBU. The same was true during Covid and all the sanctimonious "people are dying" comments. Yes, people die every day. It is not a tragedy if they are in their 80s, although it's sad for their family (assuming they are not complete bellends who will not be missed). But on the whole, if your parents die in their 80s, it's normal to feel that they had a good innings and to celebrate the fact that they were great, not be poleaxed that they have done the normal thing and die.

Yeah you are cold

What a horrible post.

Wait till it happens to you. You'll eat your words.

Assuming there's a normal relationship with them, it's not just their loss as people but also what they represent, security, home, roots. There's no one else who would literally walk through fire for you.

I feel adrift since losing mine, despite having a son, family, friends I love

This post is absolutely horrendous. It's made me feel really quite upset.

Yes, you're being awful 😢