To ask why your parents dying is so catastrophically awful

[NCdoinggriefwrong]

obv talking about parents who die of natural causes and who are elderly…(not those who die with young kids or at age 50 etc - am talking the 75+ cohort)

Have NCed for this as think I might be U.

my DH’s father has Parkinson’s alongside what is increasingly looks like dementia and is dying. He was diagnosed at 81 and is now 86 and obviously declining. My DH has been in an absolute tailspin about this on an ongoing basis, which at some level I understand but I also sort of think he needs to manage a bit better and pull
himself together - he’s had 5 years to get used to the idea his dad has a progressive disease, he knows it’s only going in one direction, and at the end of the day, his dad is 86, how long do people really live?

and it got me thinking (and searching MN threads) about why people are so devastated when their parents die. I have a fabulous relationship with my parents and ofc I will grieve them and miss them when they’re gone (dad in his 80s, mum in her 70s). But I can’t imagine falling apart because my parents do something utterly foreseeable and get old
and die. I’ve been through my parents’ funeral wishes and probate stuff etc with them and we’ve acknowledged they won’t be around forever and are just enjoying the time we do have.

Am I a horrible person and utterly cold fish? I feel like I’m missing something major. FYI I am a compleyely
empathetic person irl so it’s not that I am an emotionless robot in my day to day life. I just don’t understand why a parent dying is anything other than expected and, well, just sad.

I think I probably felt this way when I was younger. But losing my parents was tough and life altering. It changed me. You can’t understand it until it happens.

What an excellent and interesting post - I agree totally.

This. You can’t know how you’ll feel til it happens OP, as you will find out when it does happen (and friends who haven’t lost a parent try to act like everything is normal).

‘Grieving is fine. Falling apart is not.

Get a grip.’

Luckily the people around me when DM died were full of compassion- I’d have punched someone who told me to ‘get a grip’.

I am so very sorry for your loss ❤️
I feel the same, I wish I hadn't read this.
I recently lost my brother and grief is not what I ever expected it to be, its a million times worse and a million times more complicated than I could have ever imagined. This OP has no idea, I feel deeply sorry for her husband 💔
My condolences to you xxxx

I've been bereaved. I lost my husband, my Dad and my MIL (who was the mum I never had and who I loved dearly).

It was awful of course. But I know what OP means. There was a lead up to all those bereavements. Cancer, cancer, dementia. The grieving happened gradually along the way. I didn't fall apart, even at my husband's death. Or at least not in any of the ways I've noticed other people emote about. I miss my husband dearly, especially now that there are grandchildren he never met. But I was always aware that I needed to keep things together for others, and probably for myself.

But clearly we're all different. I don't think I'm a cold fish. My husband's diagnosis and the inevitability of his death, and supporting him and our children through it was so hard. But I don't relate to the extensive and and vocal kind of grief that some people endure. And I'm glad I'm made that way. I don't think I could cope with it.

If I'm honest, I have to work on not feeling a bit eye roll-y sometimes. I absolutely know it's unfair, but there it is.

Wait until it happens to you.

This x 100

My father died after a prolonged illness.

I was not expecting him to live forever (that is irrational) so I prepared myself for that eventuality.

Its also completely different when you have had a whole lifetime of said parent.

Your parents dying young is something that I would describe as life changing. That would really impact you.

I haven’t lost my parents, and I dread the day I do I’m a grown woman but they make me feel secure and loved , I cannot comprehend a world without them.

My DP has lost his mum unexpectedly and lost his dad prior -I remember as clear as day him saying to me- I have no parents anymore, I don’t have a mum 😢Its devastating and I can’t imagine his pain.
I’ve lost a husband, so understand grief (not a parent I know) but you cannot understand it until it happens to you.

This.

I know what you mean, op. Did your grandparents die when you were fairly young? Mine did and I've always thought death is just the circle of life. I know that it is gutting to become top of your tree, so many new feelings and fears. And to be distraught, even mad, is understandable. It's the fact that people seem shocked that gets me.

Maybe because we live in an age when we're very separated from death until it blindsides us.

I did not grieve at all when my bloody awful mother finally died. Her death brought nothing but relief.

I shall be lost when my dad dies.

It's not black and white.

Come back to this when you've been there yourself.
Then you'll understand.
Wow. Just wow.

I do think that an unexpected sudden death with no time to say goodbye, would finish me, though. That would be agony.

Because it's a massive change to your internal landscape.

From before you were born, your parents have been a significant part of your life. As you move from total dependence on them, through your individuation stages and into your independent adult life, they continue to be the people who shaped you, who've cleaned up your poo & puke and guided through your youthful cockups. They're present in your life and how you think of yourself, even during times when you barely see them and rarely speak.

Then they aren't. It's a humungous readjustment, in some ways like being dumped on an unfamiliar planet where you are somehow expected to be the most senior person. The shock can be slow or fast, but the readjustment itself takes two years on average.

If your parent's dying of a degenerative condition, you've already been through some of this but the physical death still represents the permanence of this change - it's real, it's final.

I was, technically, quite pleased my father died young. But the shock & readjustment were the same.

This. 100%

Empathy isn’t putting yourself into someone’s position. It’s about seeing it from their point of view, as them
I am low contact with parents. Horrific abuse. They are alive and yet I grieve them every day. It’s a gaping wound.

Your DH feels what he feels. A long illness means grief without closure. Hes in the thick of it. Get your own thoughts feelings out of the way and support him.

Perhaps wait until you've experienced it to comment rather than making assumptions? Of course losing a parent to many is heartbreaking (acknowledging some sadly don't have good relationships with theirs for legitimate reasons and it can be complex), you've never known life without them. My beautiful darling dad was poorly and so death was objectively a sweet release for him, he also reached a decent age; that doesn't mean I didn't grieve, that I don't miss him and wish I had another chance for a cuddle, to hear his voice, to tell him how much I loved him and how much I appreciate everything he's done for me. Of course for some who lose parents young and unexpectedly there are extra layers of loss, but personally assuming a healthy parent/child relationship I think yes you'd be cold to not feel anything.

I agree. But I suspect from other responses you and I are the outliers@NCdoinggriefwrong . I think part of being human seems to be an irrationality and this is definitely that

It is interesting - but I disagree in this case. Dementia is an awful illness and the devastating effect it has on close relatives is not time limited.

If it helps OP, I think I'm a worse person than you. I have lost a parent, and I don't feel anything like any of these other posters. I don't feel much of anything

Maybe op phrased it badly but her point is not invalid. How to deal with grief is very different for all, grieving. it's very long, never goes away. but facts are facts. We do know that our elderly parents are going to die, at some point.

Interesting.

When my father died aged 73, after a long illness that led to various hospital stays, I was relieved for him. He went through a lot.

Yes, I cried, and yes I was very sad, but I expected him to die and was emotionally prepared for it.

When MIL died at a similar age, a few years later, DH was flabbergasted. He actually said he had never ever considered that his mother might die. The grief he felt was enormous and lasted a very long time. His mother would have hated to see him like that.

So I think there’s some merit in preparing yourself for the inevitable.

Ugh this post is horrible. If you genuinely think like that and aren't on the wind up then no, you aren't a "really empathetic person in real life".
Something can be expected and still really sad. Just because the shock isn't there doesn't mean that the sadness isn't. My DF is dying of a degenerative neurological condition in his 80s and I'm finding it incredibly difficult to deal with. Just glad I don't have a spouse like you tbh and glad that my husband is properly kind and supportive!